"Don't be offended, but in case of an emergency, I'm going to use you as my personal flotation device!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is truly awful for a few reasons. Superman would not need a flotation device. In fact if the plane where about to crash he could go out the exit door and fly around the world so fast that he could go back in time and switch his flight to one that doesn't crash. That would be a lot less selfish than drowning some poor soul just to save his ass.)
"Look out the window, dude. It's a lake. It's a mountain. It's a bird. It's a plain. It's super, man."--
"And you must be Superman the Jew."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the other guy says, "Ah...I make a living.")
JohnnyB's "Nick Cage..." Game over man. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remarkably this was entered from someone who is not Johnny. Made me think of Bill Paxton's frantic character in "Alien." Cage should have got that part but he was 15 when it was made.)
"Trust me. The only thing I need secured snugly and low across my hips is a stewardess."--
Sam Antic
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: But first let's have her wiggle her cute little butt on over here with an extra dry martini. This is funny in a 1962 kind of way.)
"Sadly, the powers here are not keen."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cap classic the seems kind of bland until you imagine Superman is traveling to the Fortress of Solitude to reclaim his powers. As such this could be the first frame of a new story.)
Man and Superman.--Nietzsche (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The signature tells you all you need to know. Nietzsche [or "Freddy the Philosopher" as he was known to friends] felt good and evil were in constant conflict, rendering all existence a painful and pointless struggle. Turns out he had chronic health issues, which was the real reason he was always in a bad mood. Who knew?)
"Yes, and the airline is owned by my uncle El-Al."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This appears to be a nod to Jor-el, Superman's biological father who saved his infant son Kal-El [aka Superbaby] moments before Krypton went kablooey. Seems they all had weird names except his mom, whose name was Lara. Also, as crossword solvers know, El-Al is the name of the main carrier serving Israel.)
It's a Union thing.--Don Jr. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Last week's Silver Metal winer has fallen off the leader board but he is still a valued member of the Anti-Cap family. )
"Are you as excited about the post-pedophile era as I am?!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This shows that Tim reads my comments [Thanks Pal! Some weeks I think it's just the Mrs. and me.] So, I'd like to use this opportunity to ask what happened to little Kim? She swings by once, gets her ass kicked and stops entering? She does not seem to have the tough hide evident in the rest of the H family.)
"I won the ticket. I guessed all of the Dylan songs in the pictograph." --Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Guess? It is not something you guess at, my friend. And did you realize the answers are printed in small print at the bottom of the image? [I, of course, did not need them!] Also I saw the pictograph on Huff Post independently of this entry so I'm only kissing your butt a little.)
"Yes. I used to live in Staten Island, but now I live in L.A."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That is by bio but I am only Superman to a 17-month old adorable little girl who is amazed that I can make an owl dance with a star on the screen of my computer and appreciates that I would watch it again and again and again until she falls a sleep in my arms. Once again Tim shows a degree of familiarity with the judge that is both impressive and slightly creepy. )
111 comments:
"They gave me credit for MY frequent flyer miles"!
Did you know I changed my motto to "every man for himself"?
"As 'Superman Man of Steel', I had trouble getting through security!"
I'll tell you what's not so super. Trying to take a leak in this getup.
Did you say you were in insurance ?
"Yeah, the 'S' now looks like a masked white man holding up a bank...I get it."
"Don't be offended, but in case of an emergency, I'm going to use you as my personal flotation device!"
"Aren't you that famous lawyer who gets murderers acquitted?"
"Being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound is a useless talent."
"Sure, I can fly. But who wants to go all the way to Cleveland without at least one martini? Plus, I hear the baked chicken and au gratin potatoes aren't bad."
Because Nick Cage is a method actor and Nick Cage is on his way to a location shoot.
You can tell this is fake because of all the legroom. You are probably just dreaming.
"But Lois called me Drooperman until I started taking Viagra."
I'm more powerful than a locomotive but I think this airplane could take me in a fair fight.
"I have saved you all from Suitcaseman! Wanna join the mile-high club and celebrate with me?"
"Excuse me. I need to go take a superdump."
"No, it's not Elvis! Although my favorite song is 'Don't Ask Me Why'!"
Calmly but quickly, ask around for some kryptonite; otherwise, I will be utterly and uncontrollably destroying these air sickness bags...
"Dude! You're in an exit row! If you are unable or prefer not to perform the required functions, please let the flight attendants know and they'll be happy to find you another seat."
"Look out the window, dude. It's a lake. It's a mountain. It's a bird. It's a plain. It's super, man."
"Praise be to Allah. Which way to the cockpit?"
"No, that wasn't me. You'll know when I fart."
"And you must be Superman the Jew."
"Why, yes, I do work for Super Saver Airlines Tickets."
"Actually, I'm just a superintendent of a small brownstone on the Upper West Side."
"For the life of me, I don't know why they cancelled Pan Am."
"Yes. I used to live in Staten Island , but now I live in L.A."
I'll trade your peanuts for my oxygen mask.
Then one day I woke up and realized what Tony Robbins meant when he told me, "Don't
overlook the power of the unitard".
JohnnyB's "Nick Cage..." Game over man.
"And when they said I couldn't leave, I said 'Excuse me but I admitted myself and I can damn well check myself out if I want to'."
"Sorry pal, you must have me confused with the Green Lantern."
"Looking for some action?"
I'm not used to seeing civilians on the Gotham City- Metropolis shuffle.
I'm not used to seeing civilians on the Gotham City- Metropolis shuttle.
June 18, 2012 9:02 PM
"I'm Superman, and No, you can't have the window seat!
"I got tired of flying into guy wires...THAT'S why."
"Getting there is half the fun."
"You need any phone books torn up? 'Cause, I'm your man."
"My biographer is working as we speak. He said it's going to be a 'VERY BIG' book."
"Please...close...your...Krypto...quote...book...uhhhhhh....."
"I'm sorry you don't like the suit, but it's impossible to find a phone booth these days."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Trust me. The only thing I need secured snugly and low across my hips is a stewardess."
"I won the ticket. I guessed all of the Dylan songs in the pictograph."
"It's my armrest - What do you wanna do about it? Ready to step outside, dumbass?"
"Between you and me, I don't know how this thing stays up in the air."
"No, no relation."
"Because you look, Muslim, that's why."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Speeding bullet, locomotive, tall building in a single bound—that's all fucking Hollywood."
"Can't say the 'B' word on the aircraft! I understand the in-flight movie is the 'Hurt Locker'!"
"Please don't take the peanuts, I'm allergic."
"Superpowers are so Cold War, man."
Man and Superman.
"Christ, what an "S" hole."
You might recognize me. I was voted New York's Best Building Maintenance Person in 2011. You know, the Super
Super.
"I found my niche."
"I placed my curling iron where the sun doesn't shine and getting past security was a snap."
"I could get lost in your eyes."
"Mostly it's because I don't know how to tie my own necktie."
"Sadly, the powers here are not keen."
"My package never left Smallville."
"No, that's Batman you're thinking of. I've always been straight."
It's a Union thing.
It's a relief getting away. All I hear at home is Lois complaining about my one time performance .
It's a relief getting away. All I hear at home is Lois complaining about my on time performance .
"No, but I'm super drunk."
"Right now, in this chair, I could flex my muscle and kill you."
Amongst my many accomplishments, I'm most proud of inventing the Jeri curl.
"Oh, you noticed? Yes, my new uniform was made by the people at Spanx. There's a pee hole in the crotch, but no more cellulite!
"Wake me if anyone tries anything."
"Actually, I'm Supperman, so how's about we start you off with a knuckle sandwich?"
"And you expect logic from one of Brando's kids?"
"Supergirl's actually my first cousin, but boy can she suck a . . . Look! They're bringing more liquor."
"So I says, 'What does Shazam! mean anyway?'. But he's with Whiz Comics. Telling, isn't it? Look! Here comes the liquor!"
"Brylcreem, often referred to as greasy kid stuff. 'A little dab'll do ya', the girls will all pursue ya'. Look! Here comes the liquor!"
"Jor-El? Kal-El? Of course we're Arabs. The 'S' stands for 'Saharan'. Look! Here comes the liquor!"
"Say, Toni Morrison is my favorite too! Which one is that, 'Tar Baby' or 'Beloved'? Look! Here comes the liquor!"
Why yes, I do have x-ray vision. Speaking of which, you should probably get that testicular cancer looked at before it gets bigger.
"So what if the liquor's coming? I'm more powerful than a liquor motive."
"Of course I answer all prayers. It's just sometimes, the answer's 'no.'"
FYI, as part of my rebranding strategy I've renamed it MRI vision with everyone wigged out over too much radiation and all. Gotta keep up with the times, old man.
"Yes, and the airline is owned by my uncle El-Al."
"Based on the obvious cabin odor and my super keen sense of smell, I detect a detonated thong bomb. Protochol demands an upright 'Shake your Leg, Watch for the Turd' test and subsequent evacuation! Have a nice day!"
"I dare you to open the emergency door and jump. I promise I'll catch you. Really."
"I mostly work birthday parties now and molest children."
"We're testing new Air Marshal uniforms. Do you think the hairdo is too much?"
"It's a turd, it's in a plane...it's YOU!"
"Thanks to my recent exposure to pink kryptonite, I can no longer fly and I now have an unnatural affinity for Broadway show tunes."
“Perry White has more hair than you. Lots more.”
---left coast wayne
“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.”
---Jack Twist
"I have a bad feeling about you! You look just like Lex Luthor's landlady without the necktie. Drop your shorts cookie, it's time for a gender check!"
"the older I get the better I was".
"Would you believe I'm impotent?"
"Some business dude gave me his seat in first class when they announced I was on board. Happens all the time."
"It's origin was 'SS' during WWII."
one hundred and first!
"And when we land, I'm taking the Super Shuttle."
"Superheros in uniform fly for half-fare on Southwest. That's why."
"You're no Jimmy Olson. I knew Jimmy Olson and you're no Jimmy Olson."
---blw
"I'm am very sorry to shatter your illusions but, yes, I have to take a shit. Now will you please let me get out to the aisle?"
"Al attributed the 13th Century reference to the anti-capper instead of the wife. And a lot of people think I'm dead because I must be Christopher Reeve!"
"I know all about Nietzsche. He played for the Packers."
"I wish you hadn't worn lead undies."
"Are you as excited about the post-pedophile era as I am?!"
"This seatbelt is superfluous."
It says, "come in to dinner', not "come to dinner."
I know what your thinking...My jetpack's are out of order.
"Excuse me, I have to go to the toidy."
"Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"
...oops...
"Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!"
Meant for Contest No. 340.
"I've just accepted a CPA position in Tupelo. When I saw the ad, I said, 'This is a job for Superman.'."
"I am I am Superman and I know what's happening.
I am I am I am Superman and I can do anything."
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