xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Shoot 'em, dammit! I want a stuffed Elmo doll."-- NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests the jockeys riding hobby horses are actually targets in a shooting gallery. That's just stupid enough to work. But it seems the horse is the one talking. Why would he be the one who gets the prize if the shooter plugs the rider? This makes no sense. It is, however, creative enough to nip the others at the wire. Also my granddaughter loves her talking Elmo doll--which was her first Christmas gift from me. So there's that too.)
SECOND PLACE
THIRD PLACE
"So it doesn't strike you as odd that a stuffed horsehead appears to be the only one speaking?-- Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for pointing something so obvious that many missed it. "Odd" is a polite way of describing something that is totally fucked up. )
'I've Had Enuff' winning the 'Home Depot' stud claiming race!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to this year's it-horse, I'll have Another. Imaginative, but in a confusing way.)
Wonderland Raceway decides to forego actual horses and run the race clockwise.--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The horses are moving from left to right which means they will hang a right turn and run the oval clockwise. Nice catch, but what's your point?)
Move it Jockey! There's a flower wreath and massive illegal doses of Lasix, phenylbutazone and cortacosteroids waiting for you at the finish line.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Due to his well established track record, let's just assume boneguy is using the real names of drug that makes horses run faster. As such, this is topical and makes a statement of some type.)
Man, HBO will do anything to get "Luck" back on the air.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As it happens "Luck" was filmed at Santa Anita Park, which is less than a mile from where Mrs. alinla and I reside just outside L.A. The inside dope: The series was a big disappointment despite the a great performance from Dustin Hoffman. Sadly it claimed the lives of three racehorses including one who reared up at the starting gate and landed on his head. Remember luck can be good, bad or dumb.)
"If you think the Preakness Stakes have a weird new look, wait 'til you see the stud farm."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember, it is the horse who is saying this. It would be better if the jockey was saying it to the horse as kind of threat.)
"As CEO of Yahoo, you can put this on your resumé as 'experienced professional jockey.'"--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical but in a Jay Leno kind of way. Also, imagine you are being ridden by someone holding a whip, would you really make wiseass remarks? )
The 150th running of the FAO Schwarz Derby produces a classic down to the wire finish.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The spoiled kids who make this retailer possible would insist on motorized hobby horses. One of several caps that include a random number in an apparent effort to give it a more realistic feel. We see through that kind of stuff. Read on.)
Welcome to the 101st 'Churchill Downs' shitless derby!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In fairness the horses almost never take a crap when they are on the track. They have too much class for that. Which is also why you never see them enter something in this contest.)
"It's the 144th running of the Belmont stakes."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nothing to see here. Move on. )
Despite Vito Corleone's best efforts, Jack Woltz breeds Khartoum anyway for a stable full of bodyless champions.--Slack-a-gogo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very imaginative. Fun fact: The only African American to appear in The Godfather is the stable hand who leads the horse out of the stall so Tom Hagen can have a look. Also, The horse has a white spot on its head, but the horse's head in Woltz's bed does not. [I know my GF trivia is all I'm saying.] )
"The dowels here are equine."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well they are not really dowels but the effort is appreciated. )
"Toy filly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--Willie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another A for effort. )
Futurity, you crazy bastard! How are you betting?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: WIth his head but not over it, we can only hope. )
Futurity, you crazy bastard! How are you betting?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: WIth his head but not over it, we can only hope. )
"It's `Can't Caption This' in the lead, with `Not That Funny' close behind, and `Feels Like An Old Joke' on his heels..."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "As they head for home it's 'Dumb Pun' along with 'Bastardized Classic' followed by 'Kathy's Pointless Link' and 'Johnny's Pointless Caption'... At the wire it's... it's: 'Crappiest Cap' by a nose!")
The Three Horsemen of the al's pack o' quips.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Reminds me of this Far Side cartoon. ) 
66 comments:
"Shooting a horse for breaking its leg is one thing, but putting its decapitated head on a stick is inhumane."
"PETA decries New Yorker cartoon"
"Well, Obama did promise change."
In case you people don't know, Lawrence Wood has won the real contest 4 times...which is twice as many times as I've won it.
Tip: When wagering on fake pony races, always bet on the jock in the argyle silks.
Despite Vito Corleone's best efforts, Jack Woltz breeds Khartoum anyway for a stable full of bodyless champions.
Winning!
I'm not a professional, this is just a hobby.
Wheeeeeee!
A new slant on the Gallup Poll.
Off-Season at Saratoga
Mid-race during the Epsom Downs Steeplechase with Pole-Vaulting.
"This is how I like my fake pony races."
The 150th running of the FAO Schwarz Derby produces a classic down to the wire finish.
Welcome to the 101st 'Churchill Downs' shitless derby!
"Get off! You're high!" - Horse
"As CEO of Yahoo, you can put this on your resumé as 'experienced professional jockey.'"
"It's `Can't Caption This' in the lead, with `Not That Funny' close behind, and `Feels Like An Old Joke' on his heels..."
Move it Jockey! There's a flower wreath and massive illegal doses of Lasix, phenylbutazone and cortacosteroids waiting for you at the finish line.
David Carradine rides 'Choke Me', to a win at the 'Prickness Stakes'.
"If you think the Preakness Stakes have a weird new look, wait 'til you see the stud farm."
Hey, stop riding me so hard. It's just a hobby, you know.
The Three Horsemen of the al's pack o' quips.
Jim Cavanaugh
"Meh, its just a one stick pony."
The races just aren't the same since the Glue Factory took over the track.
Man, HBO will do anything to get "Luck" back on the air.
'Stick it Out' leads 'Stick in the Mud' and 'Sticky Wicket', in the 'Rheumatoid 500' (feet)!
Previous entry translates roughly to "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."
and then stick-horse shock overtook the crowd
"The dowels here are equine."
Off-Off-Off Broadway production of Equus
It's sad. Once they stop winning, it's off to the toothpick factory.
---blw
FOR SALE! 'Jockey Club Pinball', circa 1952, by 'Exhibit Supply Co.', $4200.00, ask for big AL.
"Through her binoculars, Mrs. Turnbull could clearly see that horse #23 had the biggest stick, but felt suddenly ashamed that she'd noticed."
Since retiring, Willie Shoemaker now only raced as a hobby.
The minefield should thin the field.
"Fuck D.H. Lawrence and the rocking horse winner he rode in on."
"Split the winnings with me or I tell the racing commissioner where you put my stick at night!"
"I was thinking about what the NBA would be like if they only employed white guys and somehow this idea jumped into my head."
The fifth shareholders' race at JP Morgan Chase Downs.
Wonderland Raceway decides to forego actual horses and run the race clockwise.
The Belmont Sticks
The three jockeys were charged with rape with a foreign object, resisting arrest, and fleeing aboard their nasty objects.
SeaTriscuit knew that it might be the broom factory after this. If he could choose, it'd be the popsicle plant. At least then he'd have a chance to be licked or used by a 3rd grader to build a church.
Nobody pays attention to the gallop pole anymore.
"Stick Horse still leads by a length over Stick Horse - but here comes Stick Horse along the rail!"
Knowing it was Ray Charles Day at the races and the stands were filled with blind people, management opted to fuck with everybody and, not to mention, save on feed.
'I've Had Enuff' winning the 'Home Depot' stud claiming race!
The NYPD picnic kicks off with the running of the Abner Louima Memorial.
JIm Cavanaugh
The New Yorker playing the race card again.
"So it doesn't strike you as odd that a stuffed horsehead appears to be the only one speaking?"
"Can you come up with a better name for me than Masturbation?"
"Your grip reminds me of the 69 Cubs."
"You're better off a head! Neigh, Neigh"
The 88th running of the Wood Memorial.
So you are in third place fir the real contest, behind Wood (4) and Carl Gable (3). Will you ever overtake Wood?
Ash me again when I'm sober.
"'Hear Ye, Hear Ye'! Proceeds from this race will be donated to the 'GIANT FLOPPY HORSE COCK' association!"
It's amazing how far you can come in this business claiming to be 1/32 cherry tree.
"It's the 144th running of the Belmont stakes."
"...And Steve Cauthen in down on the track having totally raunched his balls"
'THEY'RE OFF'! --- Start of the 'Castration Derby'!
I'll Have Another contends to be the first Triple Crown winner and the first hobby horse to retire to stud.
"My father was a stud."
"We'd both be better off sticking with the two year olds."
"It's good that you did that to the horses, Anthony. Real good. Now wish them into the cornfield."
Post a Comment