Sunday, May 20, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #336






WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"So in conclusion I'd like to say, I'm out now, Linda. Deal with it, bitch."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Far from being a bitch, Linda is the victim of a vindictive self loathing little prick. He hid his crossdressing from her until they divorced for reasons unrelated to his sexuality. What doomed their marriage was the petty jealousy of a chronic underachiever. She ran the department and he was a low  level manager. He used a sales meeting to drop this little bomb. This falls in the category of  "NOW he Tells Me!" Linda fired him the next day. That's my take on this AND further evidence of how much thought I put into this shit. Nice work Steve_O.)

SECOND PLACE

"And this is me when I was overweight, indiscreet and transexual."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hate to get all technical but "transsexual" usually refers to a guy who has had the snip and tuck operation [or lopitoffofmy as the doctors call it]. This guy is more of a crossdresser--he'd need hair and make up to be a transvestite. Why he is showing these people this photo is the real question.  Also, notice how I'm the one with the correct spelling.)

THIRD PLACE
After a 15-year stint, Ted (last name withheld) toured high schools and juvenile detention centers with an array of prison photos, hoping to convince youngsters to steer clear of a life of crime.--Scarred Straight (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me get the straight, Straight. He shows photos of himself lounging in lingerie as as means of discouraging  crime? Are you saying "do something bad and we'll put you in panties and bra?" This can backfire if the kid has, you know, certain needs. )

HONORABLES MENTIONS
Since I brought the wrong thumb drive, my lecture will be "What I did on my vacation".--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The NY Post headline may say "Sleazy Slideshow: X-Dressing Perv Flashs Sick-O PiXXX," but the NYer's Cap Contest will harbor no cap that judges this guy's choice of undergarment.  His only foible is bad luck. He is only annoyed because it was supposed to be a slide on economic trends. That's why this cap could win the real contest. His willingness to discuss it suggests it was no accident and he doesn't care who knows it.)

".....while in San Francisco, the original intent of casual Fridays had taken a turn for the worse."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A bit more heavy handed but lets face it even the most progressive gay-friend people don't want to work along side a middle aged guy in bra, panties and fishnets.)

At the Future Porn Stars of America seminar, Ted D. Rosenfeld aka "Long John Silverman" or, simply, "Tootsie", demonstrated to flesh-trade hopefuls how lighting, costuming, and proper coaching helped make "Torah, Torah, Torah!" into a classic.--It's Okay, I'm Jewish (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is deeply flawed but the name dropping gives it an edge while the ethnic slant has merit. Even so: The preferred industry term is "Adult Entertainment" not "Porn."  The biggest problem is this is not an image anyone would use to promote anything--a real jew would know that.)


"This is my night gig. Come see me this weekend at the Perry Combover Follies."--NJ-to-TX  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Once again a pun too good to ignore weasels into the winner circle.)

"And this is our emperor, Ted."--jimM (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I too conjured the image of some mythical kingdom where an unprincipled narcissistic crossdresser named TED seized control and is now showcasing the new flag. I also immediately thought of Karl Rowe for some reason.)

"I love to use this final slide to demonstrate the ability of our imaging software to operate on systems as old as the 1989 Macintosh. Please note that I have done a damn good job of maintaining my overall shape and hairline."--Suzanna L.  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A little confusing but the intent is clear and there is a certain highbrow quality to this.  The guy could also be like stand-up comic/crossdresser Eddie Izzard. He dresses and he don't care who knows it. Maybe he goes by the name Suzanna.)

"TED, what an asshole!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  TED is all full of himself. We get it.)
Fishnetties, you crazy bastards! How are you?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Jim throws classics  to the wind in the hope that a sudden gust will send his words aloft to the comic heavens. What I guess I'm trying to say, J.C., is that your entries blow.)
The hooters here are obscenely small.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)
"The hose here are obscene."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Although much better than Jim's that is low standard. Does anyone really call them hose?)

"I brought a couple of... oh crap, this is supposed to be the midgets slide."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Midgets in lingerie would have been more Anti-Cap worthy. )

I brought a couple of fishnets. Do you mind?--
JohnnyB 
 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: We don't mind Johnny. Why don't you slip a pair on?)



"The first time I dressed like this for JohnnyB all he could manage to say was "wheeeeeee"."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  At least you got that. When I did it, he said "Ick!" Then I reminded him it was his idea. Long story short: we're cool now. )

"I'm beggin' you, please! No standing ovation!"--Kathy H LINK TO NYT STORY (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This linked to a story in the NY Times that discussed the epidemic of standing ovations for even the lamest plays. As I read it I remember going to a horrable play that went on forever. When it was finally over I could not wait to stand-up because it made it easier to walk away. No one mentioned that in the story.)


"...and lastly, TED is Esperanto for men in lingerie."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why no link Kathy? Surely you know where such images can be seen. )

"I think this is a good time to point out that the 88th running of the Wood Memorial was not an arbitrary number, but, in fact, was, last month, the 88th running of the Wood Memorial. But, I digress..."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So the guy is giving a presentation and a photo of him in women's lingerie flashes on the screen and he wants to nit pick about the previous week's comment. How exactly is that a "good time" to do this? A cap from boneguy about his FAO Schwartz cap had a similar gripe. Even exact numbers have arbitrary consequences. Precision is the enemy of passion. That's what I say.)

And with this shot I venture into sensitive terrine.--Paul Arnold (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One in an occasional series of  cheap shots aimed at shaming me into spelling every word exactly as it should be spelled. [Notice how I didn't say "spelt."] Type-os and misspelling keep it real. Jay Z will tell you that.)
"And I call this one 'alinla' because I can't spell at all, especially hard words like 'lingerie'."--Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You're the one who used "hard" and "lingerie" in the same sentence.)

"Here's the goddamned 100th comment. Now, what do I win?!"--Ish Kabibble (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My people will be in touch. )



108 comments:

boneguy said...

".....while in San Francisco, the original intent of casual Fridays had taken a turn for the worse."

smuck said...

Ted: Oh dears worth spreading.

Anonymous said...

"That's male fraud!"

Anonymous said...

"Here's the kicker...that's actually me."

Paul Arnold said...

And with this shot I venture into sensitive terrine.

Grandma said...

"And I call this one 'alinla' because I can't spell at all, especially hard words like 'lingerie'."

Tim H said...

"The irony here is that the only thing I won't wear is a teddy."

Kathy H said...

"This will not be on the test."

boneguy said...

Since I brought the wrong thumb drive, my lecture will be "What I did on my vacation".

Hot Carl said...

"Does this slide make me look fat?"

Evil Mark said...

The Dissemination of Adam

Anonymouse said...

"The hose here are obscene."

Kathy H said...

"...and lastly, TED is Esperanto for men in lingerie."

Tim H said...

"J'accuse!"

Anonymous said...

Fishnetties, you crazy bastards! How are you?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymouse said...

"I feel pretty.
Oh, so pretty.
I feel pretty and
witty and bright!
And I pity any girl
who isn't me tonight."

jimM said...

"And this is our emperor, Ted."

Anonymous said...

Oops!

Jim Cavanaugh

LR said...

"And this is me when I was overweight, indiscreet and transexual."

Damon said...

"Where's that bitch with the hammer when I need her?"

Kathy H said...

"I'm beggin' you, please! No standing ovation!"

Anonymous said...

"One could also use those two useless little balls to play croquet atop my head."

NJ-to-TX said...

"This is my night gig. Come see me this weekend at the Perry Combover Follies."

Anonymouse said...

"I'm sexy and I know it."

boneguy said...

Come to think of it, we all could use a little "manscaping".

boneguy said...

Every time I show up to my doctor's like this, he forgets to check my prostate.

Anonymous said...

"And my centerfold for 'Play matron'!"

boneguy said...

"As you get older, you want to create a legacy your kids will be proud of."

Suzanna L. said...

"I love to use this final slide to demonstrate the ability of our imaging software to operate on systems as old as the 1989 Macintosh. Please note that I have done a damn good job of maintaining my overall shape and hairline."

Dex said...

"TED, what an asshole!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And from this angle, I can see the 'Tampax' string where it shouldn't be!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And this is my Barry Manilow look, listening to 'Can't Smile Without You'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Note how the accoutrements are even more striking, without the use of jewelry!"

smuck said...

"I brought a couple of... oh crap, this is supposed to be the midgets slide."

boneguy said...

Here's the cool part. I'm wearing this shit right now.

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
It's Okay, I'm Jewish said...

At the Future Porn Stars of America seminar, Ted D. Rosenfeld aka "Long John Silverman" or, simply, "Tootsie", demonstrated to flesh-trade hopefuls how lighting, costuming, and proper coaching helped make "Torah, Torah, Torah!" into a classic.

Anonymous said...

At the Playgirl Centerfolds of the 70s reunion, Ted E. Bare gave a slideshow presentation demonstrating how he still had 'it', but 'it' was finally coming out of the closet.

Steve_O said...

"And, of course, a big thanks to the J. Edgar Hoover Institute for underwriting my research."

Kathy H said...

"I think this is a good time to point out that the 88th running of the Wood Memorial was not an arbitrary number, but, in fact, was, last month, the 88th running of the Wood Memorial. But, I digress..."

boneguy said...

I think this is a good time to point out that FAO Schwartz is indeed 150 years old and that this was not an arbitrary number...however they do not have a horse race, even a toy one.

Dr. Sumguy said...

I know they're edible, but has anyone been there ahead of me?

Uniball Stephenson said...

"Oh, I almost forgot. I had my cock and ball pulled so far back between my legs that I would still appear to be a hot chick even if I was naked."

Anonymous said...

"Something else often left out of my curriculum vitae . . . I used to be the stand-in for Joe Namath."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Sure, Frederick's of Burbank has a long way to go, but I am confident that this particular line will push us right up there with the big boys."


---left coast wayne

Anonymouse said...

"I truly believe I would still be at large if it hadn't had been for this spot-on police sketch."

Jerome said...

"In closing, please remember one thing from today: All well-endowed, wanna-be tranny-humpers are welcome in room 3415 at 6:30pm for what is shaping up to be one heck of a gang-bang."

boneguy said...

In conclusion, my 3 month all milkshake diet can put anyone within striking distance of becoming a credible titty fuck.

Anonymous said...

"...and here we see me going all Marv Albert on the Tonight Show..."

Anonymous said...

"The first time I dressed like this for JohnnyB all he could manage to say was "wheeeeeee"."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Next up, Suze Orman will explain the TED spread."

Anonymous said...

"I miss my Jockeys."

Anonymous said...

How many cocks could a cocksucker suck if a cocksucker could chug wood?

Slideshow Bob (er, Ted) said...

I think this is a good time to point out that 150 centimeters of wood is not an arbitrary number and can be contained in women's lace panties without bursting the seams or 'peeking'. In fact, lace panties are quite efficient at keeping the nuts cool and, thereby, preventing sterility.

Air Stein said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

In addition to discussing video surveillance tape replacement, Scratch-Off deciphering, and hot dog cookery, Abhijeet "Ted" Utpal went over the Yoga Sutras at the 7-11 new employees orientation. Such practices (and a well-fitting bra) helped him cope with a minimum wage income and the routine risk of death at the hands of gun-wielding gang members high on PCP, and helped him forget having earned a Ph.D before emigrating to the land of milk and honey, which, could be found with a past due expiration date in the refrigerator section, and on aisle four, respectively.

Satireguy said...

"That's me in the spotlight losing my religion."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And, 'Tiny's Erect Dickette', can be seen shadow boxing every half hour on the hour!"

Kathy H said...

"I want That Girl !"

Tim H said...

"...and, ladies and gentlemen, I contend that if this is the only skeleton in my closet, then I would make a perfect running mate for Mitt Romney."

Anonymouse said...

"It all started when Nan Talese said to me, 'My husband is Gay.'"

The [5 o'clock] Shadow Knows! said...

Try as she may, Sharon could not convince the board members at Trixie's Escort and Dating Service that she too deserved to have her photo featured in phonebook and internet ads despite her hormone problem.

Scarred Straight said...

After a 15-year stint, Ted (last name withheld) toured high schools and juvenile detention centers with an array of prison photos, hoping to convince youngsters to steer clear of a life of crime.

Utellme said...

On [How Not to Manage Your] Career Day, Oscar De La Hoya, by then known simply as "Ted", explained to the graduating class of 2024 that he was once told by a trusted female acquaintance that being photographed in women's underclothes would prevent hair loss.

Steve_O said...

"So in conclusion I'd like to say, I'm out now, Linda. Deal with it, bitch."

boneguy said...

Kids, it started with a small teardrop tattoo and quickly got out of control.

Kathy H said...

"So, tell me. Does that Van Dyke beard make me look gay?"

boneguy said...

And now, the identity of Ted Mosby's future spouse is finally revealed from "How I Met Your Mother."

Fitness Guru Ezra said...

"...and this one is an amazing stretch for loosening up the lumbar region and glutes."

Anonymous said...

"Hence, the TED motto . . . 'Ideas Worth Spreading'."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Welcome. TED is our name . . . Technologically Enhanced Depravity is our game. Care to play?”


---blw

Tim H said...

"I went through 433 photos and this is the best one."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pull my finger and watch meFart!"

boneguy said...

"'Exhibit A': Separation of twin sets at birth may result in slight behavioral divergence."

JohnnyB said...

"Ted"

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what a vag hole

JohnnyB said...

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

NJ-to-TX said...

"Who did that?! That's supposed to be a video of 'Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies!'"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And from this angle, I have a clear view of the 'Codfather'!"

REX said...

"Now, I ask you: Are the Democrats STILL going to say I am out of touch with women?"

Anonymiss said...

The students at St. Mark's Episcopal now understood what Principal Maxwell meant by "Going co-ed would ruin everything".

Baby You Can Wear My Bra said...

"Sorry I'm not facing the camera in this one. My wife walked in and busted me. Needless to say, she's pretty flat-chested."

Quit Stocking Me said...

The dean at Grant Memorial Middle School regretted letting Chris Cross the cross-dressing crossing guard lecture his students on pedestrian safety, especially when he got to the segment on going, uh, that is to say, looking both ways before crossing the street.

Don't Ask, Don't Yell said...

"Wait, everybody! This is the part where my friend, Rufus, does me with a bat."

Talk to the Hand said...

"Due to the economic downturn, I've decided to marry myself. This way, I don't have to worry about incessant chatter about nothing and save about half on movies and expensive restaurants."

NAMBY said...

"The concept behind TED is simple: Comfortable, affordable lingerie for men that is sexy, sensible and maybe even a bit naughty...Questions?"

Quit Stocking Me said...

The dean at Grant Memorial Middle school regretted letting Chris Cross the cross-dressing crossing guard lecture his students on pedestrian safety, especially when he got to the segment on going both ways, uh, that is to say, looking both ways before crossing the street.

Anonymous said...

GUY IN FRONT ROW: I see a hole under there.

TED: Under where?

GUY IN FRONT ROW: Ha ha! I made you say underwear!

REX said...

It was during the morning assembly that Mr Silverstein realized the down-side risk of failing a member of the AV crew.

Anonymouse said...

"Yes. You are correct. There is a run in my fishnets."

Dex said...

"Sorry for the PowerPoint®"

Dex said...

"...and that's where one of Bill Gates' mosquitoes bit me!"

I Did Danny Bonaduce said...

On Tranny Employment Day, Marvin Middleshmertz discussed his illustrious career as Concubine to the Stars.

David Macharelli said...

"For the final piece of evidence to support my theory that all couples eventually look alike... my wife, Ted."

JohnnyB said...

I brought a couple of fishnets. Do you mind?

Richard H said...

"If you look closely you can see the mosquito bites I got during that mofo Bill Gates's speech"

Richard H said...

"According to The Huffington Post, in this shot I'm showing too much sideboob"

Anonymous said...

"The inspiration for this outfit was Ted Nugent."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

The hooters here are obscenely small.

Jim Cavanaugh

Ish Kabibble said...

"Here's the goddamned 100th comment. Now, what do I win?!"

Anonymous said...

"Ted 101."

Anonymous said...

One oh! tutu.

JohnnyB said...

Here I aam wearing an abbreviated Teddy

Anonymous said...

I'm gone to say to my little brother, that he should also pay a quick visit this weblog on regular basis to get updated from most recent news update.

Feel free to visit my web page: Louis Vuitton Bags

Anonymous said...

Excellent post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I am impressed!
Very helpful information specially the final part :
) I take care of such info a lot. I was seeking this certain
info for a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.


Feel free to visit my page; Read More Here

Anonymous said...

Hmm it seems like your blog ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I'll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I'm thoroughly enjoying
your blog. I too am an aspiring blog writer but I'm still new to everything. Do you have any tips and hints for beginner blog writers? I'd definitely appreciate it.


Review my web blog Louis Vuitton Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

Hi, yeah this paragraph is in fact fastidious and I have learned lot
of things from it regarding blogging. thanks.


my site - Air Max Pas Cher

Anonymous said...

That is a good tip particularly to those fresh to the blogosphere.
Simple but very precise information… Appreciate your sharing this one.
A must read article!

Feel free to surf to my homepage: Louis Vuitton Pas Cher [nysacpr.org]

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.