Sunday, May 27, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #337






WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"This place reminds me of Denver, Bob. And, of course, Bob Denver."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Those not in the winner's circle often huff that the worst possible caption is supposed to win this thing. My caveat is that the caption should be terrible yet have some type of edge to it  [i.e. it's perverted, racist, sexist, discussing, obnoxious or likely to be the only measure of joy JohnnyB ever knows.]  This week's winner is awful yet it demonstrates something that boarders on creativity. The author clearly does not care what people think. Just throw it against the wall and see if it sticks. We like that here.)

SECOND PLACE
Of all the gay resorts, you had to book us in at Santorum's Retreat?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gone but not forgotten, the former senator from Pennsylvania was never a serious candidate for the GOP nomination but he emerged as an affable asshole. His efforts to encourage domination and submission among married couples [boys on top, of course], and genocide for gays where equal measures entertaining and unsettling. Give him this: He managed to look sensible when standing next to Newt.)
THIRD PLACE
"They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot."--Joni (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first Joni Mitchell-inspired cap, this references her 1970 hit "Big Yellow Taxi."  Of course the island is not paved and this tiny spec of  land is hardly paradise, but more importantly Bob Dylan recorded a cover version of this song. He had no plans to release it, but in the early 70's when he left Columbia Records for Asylum, his former label retaliated by releasing the song and a bunch of other out-takes on a highly forgettable album simply called "Dylan." In his version, instead of singing about the "big yellow taxi" that "took away my old man," Dylan says "A big yellow bulldozer took away the house and land."  The point is: This cap is lame and I know a lot about Dylan.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Where the hell is that fairy? He was my wood's hole."--Kim H. (offspring of Tim and Kathy H.) (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  It would appear  the torch has been passed to another generation of H's, thus insuring a continued stream of unimaginative, incoherent, dribble with an occasional burst of sly wit. Kim, if you are who you say you are, you must realize your mom is a compulsive linker and your dad is as funny as a test pattern. (Although his "Girl from Ipanema" cap stands as a rare gem.) You knew this ab0ut your folks, right? No one is blaming you. Also: your cap is incoherent--but you are getting a nod because of your connections.)
 "You hold him down. I'll do the offshore drilling."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recalls a great wise crack attributed in 1989 to Howell Heflin, a hyper-partisan fat ass Senator for Alabama. At the time, the National Enquirer ran a grainy photo they claimed was Ted Kennedy banging a woman on his yacht. [They assured readers that the big white ass flapping in the breeze was his.] Heflin commented that he was "glad to see the Senator has changed his position on off shore drilling." He said it in a smug Southern drawl that made it more biting.) 
"Yeah, I tried to leave once. Then had second thoughts, changed my mind. So I backed up . . . Severe tire damage."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to metal teeth positioned on the ground at the entrance of parking lots. Although I never saw one in NYC, they are very common in L.A. The logical flaw here is that neither man appears to have a car.) 

"The toll booth always helped, but I'm feeling a whole lot safer now that the sharks are eliminated from the playoffs."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Sort of topical a few weeks ago. It seems the L.A. hockey team won the Stanley Cup. I was glad to see it mainly because I hate the Jersey Devils.  This being L.A., the  bandwagon jumpers were predictable and obvious. I heard one guy say he is a huge Kings fan, a real die hard. Asked for his favorite team member, he could not name a single player or identify any of the teams they beat in the playoffs. To be fair, he was wearing an authentic Kings jersey and matching cap.)

"The Islanders SUCK!" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works for me. Always has.)
"Yesterday, I caught a mackerel; today, a turnpike."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  So...he is stuck on a tiny island with a guy who enjoys puns like this and there is a guard stationed to prevent rescue. This cap, I submit, is a vivid depiction of what hell is like. )

"Don't get me wrong. You're cool and all, God, but Heaven fuckin' sucks."--Population: 1 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How do you know it's heaven? See above.)

"How come the parking attendant isn't starving and emaciated and hasn't grown a beard?"--




If Only This Made Sense (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The signature suggests unrealistic expectations. The caption suggests an anti-capper with a strong grasp of the obvious. )
"It's really wearing me down."..."This island sure takes its toll."---smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: These are the first and last lines of a long-ass cap that culminates with a serviceable line. Let's exercise a little more restraint and a lot more creativity moving forward, okay smack?)

This is actually a CONDE NASTE advertisement, disguised as a New Yorker cartoon!-- Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Advertisers use this ploy to gain attention and publishers let them get away with it because they are greedy bastards  it helps maximize revenue which is used to  facilitate a superior editorial product. This desert isle cartoon might work, for example. if it was an ad for expensive booze. It would  include a suitably high brow caption that strikes a cord with the target audience but comes off as smug and elitist to everyone else.  Something like: "It's not as bad as it seems. I have a bottle of  _______ stashed away. Hence the security detail."  The best anti-cap might say something like: "I got a bottle of ________. Now will you blow me?") 

104 comments:

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what an isle.

JohnnyB said...

Florida was much nicer before they turned every piece of land into a gated community.

boneguy said...

Hiring George Zimmerman was a stroke of genius. On the other hand, I really miss wearing my hoody.

boneguy said...

Of all the gay resorts, you had to book us in at Santorum's Retreat?

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"This place reminds me of Denver, Bob. And, of course, Bob Denver."

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Witness Protection'! And you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Witness Protection'! And you?"

boneguy said...

I will never again doubt you on global warming, Mr. Gore.

Dr.Sumguy said...

"'Robinson Crusoe Holdings Ltd'. And you must be 'Black Friday'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's called 'Palm Island'. Named after Ray Mckigney, who wasn't 'Master of his Domain'!"

Dex said...

"It could be years before we have exact change."

Anonymous said...

"They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot."

Joni

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I tried to leave once. Then had second thoughts, changed my mind. So I backed up . . . Severe tire damage."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis.”


---Jack Twist

Anonymous said...

"If we give him the day off, do you think he'll suck our dicks?"

Headly LaMarr said...

"Somebody go back into town to get a shitload of dimes!What'll that crazy nigger think up next"

Dex said...

"Yesterday, I caught a mackerel; today, a turnpike."

Satireguy said...

"And then I said 'No man is an island' and the next thing you know they put up this fence."

Jess said...

"What I really hate is that the guard won't let us use his fucking phone."

Steve_O said...

"All right then, you can have his thigh and I'll eat the liver."

Steve_O said...

"If only we had a nice Chianti and some fava beans."

boneguy said...

This is the last time I valet my cruise ship.

If Only This Made Sense said...

"How come the parking attendant isn't starving and emaciated and hasn't grown a beard?"

Sam Antic said...

"OK, sure. Let's keep in mind that being Siamese twins it could be considered equal parts masturbation AND incest."

Air Stein said...

"Were you a newyorker.com webmaster too?"

smuck said...

"It's really wearing me down."

"Wearing you down?"

"Yeah, all this sitting in the sun. At first it's fine."

"Sure."

"But after a while, it wears on you."

"Yup."

"The incessant heat."

"Mmmm hmm."

"Fish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

"Indeed."

"Yes sirree. This island sure takes..."

"Well, there are the occasional coconuts."

"True that. Fish and coconuts. But my point is..."

"And there was that tollbooth guy's sandwich we ate."

"Sure. But that was kind of a one time thing."

"I guess you have a point."

"Right, now as I was saying. This island sure takes its..."

"Maybe we can figure out some way to find some more food."

"How? There's nothing around."

"Well, we might be able to craft a boat out of the tollbooth. There's quite a bit of wood there."

"But then who will man the tollbooth?"

"Ah, that's a bit of a dilemma."

"But maybe you're on to something. We could take some bits of wood and make a fire, maybe some smoke signals."

"Do we have some sort of way to start a fire?"

"No, not that I know of."

"That's too bad."

"Well, like I was saying."

"Yes?"

"This island sure takes its toll."

Sing, Sing a Song said...

"Riker's Island was worse. Did I ever tell you about Bubba?"

Anonymous said...

"This island sure takes it's toll."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Atoll booth. What the hell did you think it was?

Tim H said...

"O.K. Whose turn is it to be Ginger?"

Kathy H said...

"Thank God I'm an accredited arborist."

Anonymous said...

long way to go for a lame joke, smuck.

Evil Mark said...

I don't know what's worse: Your breath or the #$@%ing jokes!

Satireguy said...

"I'd actually prefer to telecommute."

boneguy said...

"It's either the gardener or the pool boy. We can't afford both."

Satireguy said...

"Thankfully, The New Yorker has finally made desert island cartoons off limit."

Satireguy said...

"Thankfully, The New Yorker has finally made desert island cartoons off-limits."

Population: 1 said...

"Don't get me wrong. You're cool and all, God, but Heaven fuckin' sucks."

Anonymouse said...

"Alls I'm saying is, pace yourself. I mean, this is a two-week Contest, after all."

Kathy H said...

"Look on the bright side: We don't have to deal with building a lane for E-ZPass ®."

Anonymous said...

“I’m getting tired of waiting. Go ask the attendant if he’s heard from Godot.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"The toll booth always helped, but I'm feeling a whole lot safer now that the sharks are eliminated from the playoffs."


---blw

Tim H said...

"The Islanders SUCK!"

Shelly said...

"Saw a presentation last week by a guy who wears women's underwear and he sold me a place in a Gay-TED community. How about you?"

Anonymous said...

"What I wouldn't give for a pair of fishnets . . . but they'd probably never get past the attendant and, besides, that was last week."


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

This is actually a CONDE NASTE advertisement, disguised as a New Yorker cartoon!

Dr Sumguy said...

"And this was the toll booth, for the 'Tacoma Narrows Bridge'!"

Anonymous said...

"You hold him down. I'll do the offshore drilling."

Dr Sumguy said...

Welcome to the 'Isle of Man', where every man is an island!

The Guy in the Beard said...

"What I resent is the absence of Toll House Cookies."

Bob said...

"Chris, were we wrong putting Natalie in that dinghy?"

Uncle, ream us. said...

"Riker's Island was waaayyyy better than this. At least there I had a concrete slab and the Aryan Nation."

Utellme said...

"'Let's get a timeshare!', she says. The minute I do, she leaves me for her personal trainer. I'm only here 'cause I'm being ripped off to the tune of $10,000 a year. AND, they screwed up the scheduling because you're here!"

"Wait a minute. Last night you said it was fate."

"That was exposure and dehydration talking."

"Exposure and dehydration made you say, 'Oh, my God, I'm coming!'?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I wish we lived in a gay TED community."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch."

boneguy said...

I'm going for a jog. I'll be back in 0.87 seconds.

Steve_O said...

"Okay- We'll let blacks in, but I draw the line at Jews."

Anonymouse said...

"I don't get it. Springsteen just never comes here."

Tim H said...

"I gotta admit, this was on my bucket list."

Anonymous said...

“I am a rock. I am an island. I have the parking lot concession. What are you?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymouse said...

I love to be beside your side, beside the sea,
Beside the seaside, by the beautiful sea!

REX said...

First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because they always wanted to use my stuff

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because they over charged on even the simplest jobs

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because, frankly, I don't like jews

holden_c said...

"You're on my island."

LV said...

"Before global warming this was Rush Limbaugh's belly."

Pat Mynards said...

"Get your elbow off my knee, you fucking queerbait. It's day one."

Kathy H said...

"Y'know, somebody oughta give that Bob Dylan a medal or something."

Anonymouse said...

"Funny thing is that that beach over there is about 20 feet away. I think we can actually wade over there."

Wilson said...

"Look, no offense, but I'd actually kill you for some pussy."

Anonymous said...

69 hee hee

Anonymous said...

"We could have left months ago if you'd remembered to bring exact change."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Damn...Dylan gets the Medal of Freedom and we're still stuck on the Isle of Wight."

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"Man, I could use some sunglasses right about now."

Kathy H said...

"I don't think the toll taker is unionized."

Anonymouse said...

"Jeez, I just remembered. We're missing the Queen's jubilee!"

D. Lindelof said...

"Wow, J.J. Even God hated the end of Lost."

Anonymous said...

"Just because Keef fell out of the coconut tree, we had to give him a job?"

smuck said...

Tim H... "blah blah Ginger" 6:44 AM
Kathy H... "blah blah arborist" 6:45 AM
Anonymous... "long way to go for a lame joke, smuck." 6:48 AM


Look, Tathy, the point is to submit the worst caption, not merely mediocre ones. So I'll take your criticism as a compliment.

Anonymouse said...

Al, Al, Al,

I thought we were friends. I, too, hate to use the comments section to post non-comments, but...

smuck has misread the name of the person who actually posted that nasty comment. It was NOT "Anonymouse."

So, I wish you would allow me to set the record straight, in the name of all that is fair. That is all I am asking you.

Anonymous said...

"The difference is nobody in Rhode Island has a job."

Steve_O said...

"Do you think this is a metaphor for how neglected we feel while waiting for alinla to judge last week's contest?"

Steve_O said...

"I've got crabs."

Anonymous said...

"I wish we could get past the guard . . . if only to find out the winners of last week's contest."


---the Patients of Job

Anonymous said...

"He's been in there for over an hour and I gotta pee."

Anonymous said...

"Dylan is stealing our captions, although Obama did promise us change."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Don't forget, checkout time is 12 noon sharp!"

boneguy said...

Would it kill you to friend me?

Anonymous said...

"Oh hell. I just realized we're stuck on this island for one more week."

Anonymous said...

"We fooled 'em, Chief."

boneguy said...

Should I be the one to say, "Welcome to the Amelia Earhart Museum"?

Anonymous said...

"The sharks, the fence, the guard—it's like fucking Alkaseltzer."

Anonymous said...

"Remember Beth Herosy? Talk about a pair of coconuts."

It's Gil Again said...

"I thought you said no waiting on this aisle."

Anonymous said...

“Ever since they nixed the Redemption Island option from the show, it seems Jeff Probst has forgotten all about us.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You’re probably fine. I’m the one with the Immunity Idol and that guard over there in the booth is going to make sure I’m not voted off. Damn that Jeff Probst!”


---left coast wayne

Tim H said...

"Where the hell is that ferry from Woods Hole?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Papillon! And yours?"

Kim H. (offspring of Tim & Kathy H) said...

"Where the hell is that fairy? He was my wood's hole."

Kim H. (offspring of Tim and Kathy H.) said...

"Where the hell is that fairy? He was my wood's hole."

Austin said...

I'm just saying, we've got all these royalties rolling in from the New Yorker; at the very least we could have sprung for a bigger island.

Anonymous said...

"Who'd you blow to get in?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"You know! If it weren't for your ad in the 'Meat Rack', we never would of met each other!"

price per head call center said...

Hey great stuff, thank you for sharing this useful information and i will let know my friends as well.

business telephone lines said...

I Like your blog,will sharing this with my friends, excellent work.

business telephone lines

Anonymous said...

I don't understand why someone would use my name in this way in this blog. Please remove this post.

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.