Sunday, May 13, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #335











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WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Shoot 'em, dammit! I want a stuffed Elmo doll."-- NJ-to-T(JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This suggests the jockeys riding hobby horses are actually targets in a shooting gallery. That's just stupid enough to work. But it seems the horse is the one talking.  Why would he be the one who gets the prize if the shooter plugs the rider? This makes no sense. It is, however, creative enough to nip the others at the wire. Also my granddaughter loves her talking Elmo doll--which was her first Christmas gift from me. So there's that too.)

SECOND PLACE
Knowing it was Ray Charles Day at the races and the stands were filled with blind people, management opted to fuck with everybody and, not to mention, save on feed. --That bush looks like a goat face  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very dumb but this also takes a stab at explaining why they are racing this way. If they are going to fool the blind folks they'll need galloping sounds and the smell of fresh horse shit. Blind people are not fools, you know.)

THIRD PLACE



"So it doesn't strike you as odd that a stuffed horsehead appears to be the only one speaking?-- Steve_O  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for pointing something so obvious that many missed it. "Odd" is a polite way of describing something that is totally fucked up. )
 HONORABLE MENTIONS 
The NYPD picnic kicks off with the running of the Abner Louima Memorial.--JIm Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very nasty and highly topical if the year is 1997.  Adner Louima wasn't killed, so a memorial would be premature; but the cop who violated him with a broom handle got 30 years.  Jim reminds us that some people have not forgotten this ugly incident. )

'I've Had Enuff' winning the 'Home Depot' stud claiming race!--Dr Sumguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to this year's it-horse, I'll have Another.  Imaginative, but in a confusing way.)



Wonderland Raceway decides to forego actual horses and run the race clockwise.--Satireguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The horses are moving from left to right which means they will hang a right turn and run the oval clockwise. Nice catch, but what's your point?)


Move it Jockey! There's a flower wreath and massive illegal doses of Lasix, phenylbutazone and cortacosteroids waiting for you at the finish line.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Due to his well established track record, let's just assume boneguy is using the real names of drug that makes horses run faster. As such, this is topical and makes a statement of some type.)

Man, HBO will do anything to get "Luck" back on the air.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As it happens "Luck" was filmed at Santa Anita Park, which is less than a mile from where Mrs. alinla and I reside just outside L.A.  The inside dope: The series was a big disappointment despite the a great performance from Dustin Hoffman. Sadly it claimed the lives of three racehorses including one who reared up at the starting gate and landed on his head. Remember luck can be good, bad or dumb.)

"If you think the Preakness Stakes have a weird new look, wait 'til you see the stud farm."--LR  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember, it is the horse who is saying this. It would be better if the jockey was saying it to the horse as kind of threat.)

"As CEO of Yahoo, you can put this on your resumé as 'experienced professional jockey.'"--smuck  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical but in a Jay Leno kind of way. Also, imagine you are being ridden by someone holding a whip, would you really make wiseass remarks? )

The 150th running of the FAO Schwarz Derby produces a classic down to the wire finish.--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The spoiled kids who make this retailer possible would insist on motorized hobby horses. One of several caps that include a random number in an apparent effort to give it a more realistic feel. We see through that kind of stuff. Read on.)

Welcome to the 101st 'Churchill Downs' shitless derby!--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In fairness the horses almost never take a crap when they are on the track. They have too much class for that. Which is also why you never see them enter something in this contest.)

"It's the 144th running of the Belmont stakes."--Greenie Stik-M-Caps  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nothing to see here. Move on. )

The 88th running of the Wood Memorial.--Kathy H   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worst but notice this one has a arbitrary number. )



Despite Vito Corleone's best efforts, Jack Woltz breeds Khartoum anyway for a stable full of bodyless champions.--Slack-a-gogo  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Very imaginative. Fun fact: The only African American to appear in The Godfather is the stable hand who leads the horse out of the stall so Tom Hagen can have a look.  Also, The horse has a white spot on its head, but the horse's head in Woltz's bed does not. [I know my GF trivia is all I'm saying.] )
"Well, Obama did promise change."--It would seem that the toy horse  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  To Romney's way of thinking, the guy racing with a hobby horse has just as much chance to win as the steed who galloped by twenty minutes ago. He just needs the government to get out of the way so he can catch up.)
Wheeeeeee!--JohnnyB  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thank you Johnny, very nice. We are all very proud of you. This is the best cap you entered for this contest.)
"It's good that you did that to the horses, Anthony. Real good. Now wish them into the cornfield."--J. Bixby  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, Anthony little buddy, before you do that, could you make sure the five horse wins and maybe  arrange for a trifecta with the three horse and the seven horse?)
SeaTriscuit knew that it might be the broom factory after this. If he could choose, it'd be the popsicle plant. At least then he'd have a chance to be licked or used by a 3rd grader to build a church.--That Horse Has Wood!  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  SeaTriscuit is a great mock name for a cartoon like this. The rest of the cap is awful.)

"The dowels here are equine."--smuck  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well they are not really dowels but the effort is appreciated. )

"Toy filly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--Willie  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Another A for effort.  )


Futurity, you crazy bastard! How are you betting?--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: WIth his head but not over it, we can only hope. )

"It's `Can't Caption This' in the lead, with `Not That Funny' close behind, and `Feels Like An Old Joke' on his heels..."--Damon  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  "As they head for home  it's 'Dumb Pun' along with 'Bastardized Classic' followed by 'Kathy's Pointless Link' and 'Johnny's Pointless Caption'... At the wire it's... it's: 'Crappiest Cap' by a nose!")

The Three Horsemen of the al's pack o' quips.--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Reminds me of this Far Side cartoon.  )    



















73 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shit On A Stick wins the Derby by a shit on a stick.

Lawrence Wood said...

"Shooting a horse for breaking its leg is one thing, but putting its decapitated head on a stick is inhumane."

NJ-to-TX said...

"PETA decries New Yorker cartoon"

It would seem that the toy horse said...

"Well, Obama did promise change."

Anonymous said...

In case you people don't know, Lawrence Wood has won the real contest 4 times...which is twice as many times as I've won it.

Kathy H said...

Tip: When wagering on fake pony races, always bet on the jock in the argyle silks.

Slack-a-gogo said...

Despite Vito Corleone's best efforts, Jack Woltz breeds Khartoum anyway for a stable full of bodyless champions.

JohnnyB said...

Winning!

JohnnyB said...

I'm not a professional, this is just a hobby.

JohnnyB said...

Wheeeeeee!

Dr Sumguy said...

A new slant on the Gallup Poll.

Tim H said...

Off-Season at Saratoga

Anonymouse said...

Mid-race during the Epsom Downs Steeplechase with Pole-Vaulting.

Kathy H said...

"This is how I like my fake pony races."

boneguy said...

Just look at the empty stands. Fucking UFC has ruined everything!

boneguy said...

The 150th running of the FAO Schwarz Derby produces a classic down to the wire finish.

Willie said...

"Toy filly, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

Welcome to the 101st 'Churchill Downs' shitless derby!

Horse Whisperer said...

"Neigh, Neigh. Quit kicking me, you mother-fucker. We're way ahead. One more, and I'll buck the shit out of you. Neigh, Neigh."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Shoot 'em, dammit! I want a stuffed Elmo doll."

Anonymous said...

"Get off! You're high!" - Horse

smuck said...

"As CEO of Yahoo, you can put this on your resumé as 'experienced professional jockey.'"

Damon said...

"It's `Can't Caption This' in the lead, with `Not That Funny' close behind, and `Feels Like An Old Joke' on his heels..."

boneguy said...

Move it Jockey! There's a flower wreath and massive illegal doses of Lasix, phenylbutazone and cortacosteroids waiting for you at the finish line.

Dr Sumguy said...

David Carradine rides 'Choke Me', to a win at the 'Prickness Stakes'.

LR said...

"If you think the Preakness Stakes have a weird new look, wait 'til you see the stud farm."

Paul Arnold said...

Hey, stop riding me so hard. It's just a hobby, you know.

Anonymous said...

Futurity, you crazy bastard! How are you betting?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

The Three Horsemen of the al's pack o' quips.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dex said...

"Meh, its just a one stick pony."

Slack-a-gogo said...

The races just aren't the same since the Glue Factory took over the track.

boneguy said...

Man, HBO will do anything to get "Luck" back on the air.

Dr Sumguy said...

'Stick it Out' leads 'Stick in the Mud' and 'Sticky Wicket', in the 'Rheumatoid 500' (feet)!

Moneypenny said...

Previous entry translates roughly to "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

Anonymous said...

and then stick-horse shock overtook the crowd

smuck said...

"The dowels here are equine."

Kathy H said...

Off-Off-Off Broadway production of Equus

Anonymous said...

It's sad. Once they stop winning, it's off to the toothpick factory.


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

FOR SALE! 'Jockey Club Pinball', circa 1952, by 'Exhibit Supply Co.', $4200.00, ask for big AL.

William Hung said...

"Through her binoculars, Mrs. Turnbull could clearly see that horse #23 had the biggest stick, but felt suddenly ashamed that she'd noticed."

Anonymous said...

Since retiring, Willie Shoemaker now only raced as a hobby.

Austin said...

The minefield should thin the field.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Fuck D.H. Lawrence and the rocking horse winner he rode in on."

Steve_O said...

"Split the winnings with me or I tell the racing commissioner where you put my stick at night!"

Steve_O said...

"I was thinking about what the NBA would be like if they only employed white guys and somehow this idea jumped into my head."

Satireguy said...

The fifth shareholders' race at JP Morgan Chase Downs.

Satireguy said...

Wonderland Raceway decides to forego actual horses and run the race clockwise.

Anonymous said...

The Belmont Sticks

NJ-to-TX said...

The three jockeys were charged with rape with a foreign object, resisting arrest, and fleeing aboard their nasty objects.

That Horse Has Wood! said...

SeaTriscuit knew that it might be the broom factory after this. If he could choose, it'd be the popsicle plant. At least then he'd have a chance to be licked or used by a 3rd grader to build a church.

JohnnyB said...

Nobody pays attention to the gallop pole anymore.

Anonymous said...

"Stick Horse still leads by a length over Stick Horse - but here comes Stick Horse along the rail!"

That bush looks like a goat face said...

Knowing it was Ray Charles Day at the races and the stands were filled with blind people, management opted to fuck with everybody and, not to mention, save on feed.

Dr Sumguy said...

'I've Had Enuff' winning the 'Home Depot' stud claiming race!

Anonymous said...

The NYPD picnic kicks off with the running of the Abner Louima Memorial.

JIm Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

The New Yorker playing the race card again.

Steve_O said...

"So it doesn't strike you as odd that a stuffed horsehead appears to be the only one speaking?"

Anonymous said...

"Can you come up with a better name for me than Masturbation?"

Anonymous said...

"Your grip reminds me of the 69 Cubs."

Yim Neigh-bores said...

"You're better off a head! Neigh, Neigh"

Kathy H said...

The 88th running of the Wood Memorial.

Anonymous said...

So you are in third place fir the real contest, behind Wood (4) and Carl Gable (3). Will you ever overtake Wood?

Anonymous said...

Ash me again when I'm sober.

Dr Sumguy said...

"'Hear Ye, Hear Ye'! Proceeds from this race will be donated to the 'GIANT FLOPPY HORSE COCK' association!"

boneguy said...

It's amazing how far you can come in this business claiming to be 1/32 cherry tree.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"It's the 144th running of the Belmont stakes."

Anonymous said...

"...And Steve Cauthen in down on the track having totally raunched his balls"

Anonymous said...

"Only a fucking moron would put money on the human race."

Dr Sumguy said...

'THEY'RE OFF'! --- Start of the 'Castration Derby'!

Satireguy said...

I'll Have Another contends to be the first Triple Crown winner and the first hobby horse to retire to stud.

Anonymous said...

"My father was a stud."

Anonymous said...

"We'd both be better off sticking with the two year olds."

J. Bixby said...

"It's good that you did that to the horses, Anthony. Real good. Now wish them into the cornfield."

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