Monday, May 7, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #334



WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"This is the dumbest cartoon yet!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a rare bit of meddling, I took the liberty of adding quotation marks. This way you won't think of this entry as just another cranky Anti-Capper whining about the material. Instead, the line is being huffed by the guy in the suitcase who is forced to execute this really idiotic concept.  How bad is this cartoon? So bad the character is fuming as he squirms uncomfortably in his suitcase. And it gets worse: As a number of Anti-Cappers pointed out, he also has all manner of toiletry items wedged up his ass. )

SECOND PLACE
"What do you mean, 'Let's roll'?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to 9/11 hero Todd Beamer. While on board the doomed jet plane that crashed in a Pennsylvania field that day, he said those two words before leading an attack on the hijackers that is believed to have saved many lives. It's use here seems non-sensical and insensitive. But what if the suitcase guy symbolizes pampered, self-indulgence lazy people people whose only discomfort is the baggage they have created for themselves? The man in the window seat got sick of his complaining. With Todd's courageous war cry he tried to remind this passage on the jet called life that his aches and pains are trivial. Suitcase guy doesn't get it. Never will. Also, many suitcases do in fact roll, so there's that too.)

THIRD PLACE
I have to travel this way. My entire family got wiped out in the Cargo Holdacaust.--
boneguy 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A pun too dumb to be harmful, too nimble to ignore. This also ventures into sensitive terrain  but that's what we're here for I guess.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Oh, Helen! Oh, Helen! Oh, oh...watch the zipper! Watch the zipper!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to tell if Helen is humping him or hurting him, but this suggests the suitcase guy is not alone. Implausible but that certainly would explain a lot. )
"I told you I had a lot of baggage when you met me."--Tim H 
"Oh shut up, Tad. You knew when you gay-married me that I have some baggage."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Two similar caps, but whereas Tim coughed  up a bland and simplistic entry that is, at best, a mildly funny quip, REX made it more topical and biting. By specifying "gay-married" he made it playfully absurd which is in keeping with this terrible cartoon. Also, Tad is a well established gay-name. Even so, Tim's entry was posted well before the one from REX so we give him props the way a carmaker credits the inventor of the wheel.)

"I hate flying Coach."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The uppercase "C" confirms that this is a pun inspired by the upscale retail chain. But they sell handbags and wallets--not the type of luggage seen in this cartoon.  It's no wonder you were too ashamed to give your name!)

"What makes you think I'm an American Tourister?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? This one is much better because it uses the name of an actual suitcase brand. And since it is also from "Anonymous," it could be the same person evolving humor-wise. That's always nice to see--even if they're too lazy to come up with some type of fake name so we know who's who.)

"I'm just escaping from a flock of vultures. They all think I'm carrion."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Tim, Tim, Tim...What can we say? You search and search and come up with this fowl cap? It feels like you are giving us the bird. Well pluck you! )

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away.--Fiona (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Some touching lyrics from the lovely and talented Fiona Apple. Tim take note: This is how to class up the joint!)

"That noise you're hearing is my electric toothbrush. If it's bothering you, I'll try clenching."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This is representative of the entrees that suggested items had shifted into his butt during takeoff. What sets this apart is the commendable effort to remedy the noise problem. Still, it suggests that the guy in the next seat is annoyed by a buzz that is originating in the deepest recesses of the image. Damon reached deep for this--too deep.  )
"In Russia, baggage carries you."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A sort-of classic that is seldom used and very very seldom used well. )

"Christ, there's no ass hole."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Leave it to Jim to mine for humor on Hershey Highway while invoking His name. Remember this Jim: In every random gathering of five or more people there is always one asshole. If you can't figure out who it is, it's a good bet the others in the group have.)

"Flew silly, you crazy packer. How are...yippee a classic cap reduxing mofo."--
Anonymous 
 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calm down. You do have something mildly not sucky but did you have to stop mid-way to pat your self on the back? )

"Why, if it isn't Carry On, my wayward son."--Kansas  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  And if the door opens you'll be in pieces when you are done. The same rock ballad says "I was soaring ever higher. But I flew too high." So this works on numerous levels.)

 "Of course it's wearable, that's why it's called a suitcase. Same as how a baseball is the lowest form of sports equipment."--Put A. Sokkinitt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted three minutes after a botched version said "...that's why the call it a suitcase..." It always impressive when Anti-Cappers come scrabbling back to fix their screw-ups. The take away: The capper went down the block and back to explain how a suitcase can be a suit and a case, but when it came time to pull the trigger he misfired. To echo the accolade I have often heard: Nice try. )

For your consideration. Harry "suitcase" Simpson, third baseman for six different teams in two years, on an all to familiar flight to the new city that just acquired him. You see, Harry is good enough to play in the majors, but not good enough to play for very long in any one place. Life keeps throwing Harry the one thing he can't get a bat on—a curve ball low and away from the Twilight Zone.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A bit long but this has merit and sheds light on the human condition. Harry, of course, is flying some place where they want him; not just away from a place where they don't-- so it's not as glum as it seems.)

PS: If Dylan gets you an automatic honorable mention I'm sure Kansas lyrics will result in an automatic disqualification, but I thought the Wayward Son entry was hilarious.--





Mike Mariano 
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: You know nothing about your quirkly but well rounded judge. Kansas kicks ass--no where near Dylan's level, of course but somewhere between Rush and REO Speedwagon. Also Fun Fact: When the NY Mets had a player named  
Mark 
 
Carreon from 1987–1991, they would play the opening lines of this song when he came to bat because "Carry On" sounds like his last name. )

"First, it's called a "seat." Second, how dare you tell me to "get out of [your] chair!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  A reference to a previous winner. What's with the brackets? )











97 comments:

Jess said...

"The add-on fees here are obscene."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Do I look like I can get up for you to go to the bathroom?"

boneguy said...

Maybe you can explain to me why people laugh hysterically every time I tell them my name is Sampson Knight.

Tim H said...

"I told you I had a lot of baggage when you met me."

Kathy H said...

"This part's OK. It's that goddamned baggage carousel that's a pain in the ass."

Anonymouse said...

"Next time you see that Travelocity® gnome, tell him to go to hell."

Damon said...

"That noise you're hearing is my electric toothbrush. If it's bothering you, I'll try clenching."

NJ-to-TX said...

"It's a kidney dialysis machine. It's just designed to look like a suitcase."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's a new concept. It's called 'Carry on Huggage'!"

boneguy said...

I'll tell you which container I got on board with more than 3 fluid ounces of liquid. My bladder! Oh, never mind.

Dr Sumguy said...

The 'Gary Coleman' version can be stored in the overhead bin!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Going thru security, TSA confiscated my colon! They said it was a source of toxic gas!"

Anonymous said...

"You can go...........to the bathroom........as soon as....AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh..I finish."

smuck said...

"Why do you do this to me, Dad?! Why!?"

Shelly said...

"Damn this turbulence- something inside is gonna blow. And the plane ride's a little bumpy, too."

boneguy said...

Somehow Seat Guru never works for me.

Anonymous said...

"I'm a shoe bomber and an underwear bomber all packed into one."

Kansas said...

"Why, if it isn't Carry On, my wayward son."

Mike Mariano said...

"I'm part Rimowa; my paleface son-of-a-bitch father left us and I'm finally going to confront him."

Mike Mariano said...

PS: If Dylan gets you an automatic honorable mention I'm sure Kansas lyrics will result in an automatic disqualification, but I thought the Wayward Son entry was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

"Would you mind scratching my nuts for me?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away.

Fiona

boneguy said...

After "The Fruit of the Loom" campaign ended, it's been pretty much downhill.

Anonymouse said...

"First, it's called a "seat." Second, how dare you tell me to "get out of [your] chair!"

Anonymous said...

"So, Dad, does one more Boston to New York ticket really cost all that much?"

Jess said...

"In Russia, baggage carries you."

Anonymous said...

"Christ, there's no ass hole."

Jim Cavanaugh

Kara Jan (Kansas hater) said...

"Holy crap! You're Herbert Von, Carry-On."

Tweach Jisown said...

"Dude, I'll give you thirty bucks if you nuzzle my undercarriage as we approach Phoenix"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I've cut back to one pack a day, and I still feel miserable!"

boneguy said...

I have to travel this way. My entire family got wiped out in the Cargo Holdacaust.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, Helen! Oh, Helen! Oh, oh...watch the zipper! Watch the zipper!"

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"My Tumi is upset."

Rich Lather said...

"Wake me when we're a mile high and you can help me empty my sack."

Anonymous said...

The Holdacaust one is a great anti-caption in the classic tradition.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm British! I'm trying to 'KEEP CALM And CARRY ON'!"

Anonymous said...

"My mother turned her lovers into lampshades and my father is a couch."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I made the mistake of giving my wife a chastity belt."

Tim H said...

"I'm just escaping from a flock of vultures. They all think I'm carrion."

JohnnyB said...

Well why the fuck are you laying across the seats like that?

Sam Antic said...

"Me? I guess I'm just another patriotic kid from Sheboygan, returning home to my family in a body bag."

Dr Sumguy said...

'Suitcase' Si! 'Cigarette' Nada!

REX said...

"Oh shut up, Tad. You knew when you gay-married me that I have some baggage."

Anonymous said...

For your consideration. Harry "suitcase" Simpson, third baseman for six different teams in two years, on an all to familiar flight to the new city that just acquired him. You see, Harry is good enough to play in the majors, but not good enough to play for very long in any one place. Life keeps throwing Harry the one thing he can't get a bat on—a curve ball low and away from the Twilight Zone.

Austin said...

Tick... tick... tick... tick....

Steve_O said...

"What the fuck was I thinking?"

frot with danger said...

"I've found this to be true in many facets of life: The crazier you dress, the less they notice when you rub your genitals on the seats. Ungggph."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's Rush Limbaugh's old carry on, and it's filled with little blue M&M's!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"PS ... Why do I have two right upper extremities?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I had a choice of colostomy bag."

samuel said...

"I have had it with these motherfucking suitcases on this motherfucking plane."

Satireguy said...

"Quick, open my bag and reduce my load."

Anonymous said...

"Flew silly, you crazy packer. How are...yippee a classic cap reduxing mofo."

NJ-to-TX said...

"What do you mean, 'Let's roll'?"

Anonymous said...

"My Packers lost to the fucking Giants!"

Anonymous said...

This is the dumbest cartoon yet!

Anonymous said...

"Would you unzip me? I need to drop my kids off at the pool."

Pan Am said...

"I'm wearing 14 pairs of underwear. There'll be skidmarks on more than one runway tonight!"

Friend Lee Skyes said...

"Would you ask my wife to save me her peanuts? She's in a garment bag in seat A17."

Austin said...

The name is Robe. Ward Robe.

Anonymous said...

"I can't look - Is Homer Simpson coming out of the front of my bag?"

Tim H said...

"I might lose my job, so don't tell anybody. I'm the air marshal on this flight."

Utellme said...

"I'd have stayed in the carry-on compartment, but I couldn't see the movie screen. Oh, my God, is this Terms of Endearment?!"

Put A. Sokkinitt said...

"Of course it's wearable, that's why the call it a suitcase. Just like a baseball is the lowest type of sports equipment."

Put A. Sokkinitt said...

"Of course it's wearable, that's why it's called a suitcase. Same as how a baseball is the lowest form of sports equipment."

Dr Sumguy said...

"For my in-flight meal, I ordered the baggette."

Anonymous said...

"So I slapped the bitch and told her to start packing."

Anonymous said...

"I got tired of living out of my suitcase."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Can't...breathe"

Anonymous said...

"Worst curbside manners ever."

Dr Sumguy said...

"When I asked for a seat next to the head, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind!"

smuck said...

"Yeah, baby, this is what I call flying first class! Woo hoo!"

boneguy said...

Is it really Mother's Day tomorrow ? Remind me to send flowers to the old bag.

Anonymous said...

I seriously have no clue what's between his head and the baseball cap.

Dex said...

"Pink and wrinkled."

REX said...

"I'm a passanger, I'm baggage, I'm a cartoon subject, I'm a cautionary tale...I wear many hats."

boneguy said...

This thing is packed with ice. I'm donating my kidneys when we land.

Anonymous said...

"I hate flying Coach."

Utellme said...

It was bad enough that Marty had to buy a plane ticket for his new sex doll, Rico. But why did he have to keep farting and staring at other guys?!

- The Catcher in the Sky

Pan Am said...

"Suck my zipper tab!"

T.W.A. said...

"It's a rare condition called Samsoniteopilepsy. My infant son, Satchel, has it too. Do you mind if I take the window seat? If I don't get enought sunlight I won't make it through customs."

T.W.A. said...

"Oh, I can walk well enough. But I'm still trying to find out a way to take a bath without floating."

Steward S. said...

"No, a website called 'Dating for the Defected' is sending me on this trip. I'm going to meet a steamer trunk and, boy, is she hot!"

Anonymous said...

"What makes you think I'm an American Tourister?"

Anonymous said...

"So I says to the lady in the Porsche, would you like to see my pound of flesh?"

Satireguy said...

"Could you just reach into the lower compartment and shake up my medicine for me?"

Steve_O said...

"What're you staring at, fuckface?"

Steve_O said...

"Fucking Spirit Airlines."

Richard H said...

"Why is it I add 10 pounds every time I go on vacation?"

Zawahiri said...

The Glorious Evolution of the IED

BloNde said...

Whoa- had to consume massive quantities of liquids to get past the TSA !!

Anonymous said...

"These nipple clamps are killing me."

cubshlub said...

That's not my elbow, it's my spleen. My contents shifted during take-off.

Steve_O said...

"Maybe I shouldn't have packed our pets into the same case. WHOAH! There went our gerbil."

Damon said...

"Yeah, I sweat ink. But that doesn't mean I'm some kind of...octopus."

Satireguy said...

"I can't move. If you have to pee, use one of the specimen cups in the top pouch."

Penny, Penny, Penny said...

"If I hear penny wise and pound foolish one more time, I'm going to SCREAM!"

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.