Sunday, April 29, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #333




















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
It looks like the Paul Ryan budget has worked out well for Paul Ryan--boneguy   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Catholic groups are among those who say the congressman's budget will "abandon the poor to their own devices." Fair enough, but after doing so, Ryan probably wouldn't go hang out with the folks he helped plunge into abject poverty. [Unless, of course, he just stopped by to masturbate.] So while the political commentary here is impressive, it's a bit heavy handed.) 


SECOND PLACE
"He says he's running for president and needs to relate to the average man. I say let's shit in his drink and beat the snot out of him. I say that'saverage enoudg."--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  More keen eyed political commentary but this one is also a bit over the top. Although it is certainly not unheard of, there are very few reported instances of people actually defecating into someone's beverage. By no means is it "average" behavior--at least not yet. Also a writing tip: Because you went with "shit" right out of the box you had nothing else to beat out of him but "snot." Maybe if you had said "piss in his beverage" you could then go on to beat the shit out of him. This way you would have something that works better linguistically and logistically.)



THIRD PLACE
"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear? Besides, he's not even Jewish."--Neander Thalburg  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us that Jewish moms have been kvetching since the beginning of time, but even back then she would be delighted that her bubala found a suit and tie guy. [And so handsome!] One housekeeping note: This was entered three times [!] but only the first time did it include the "Besides, he's not even Jewish" part, which is clearly the lynch-pin of the cap. So let's not over do it, okay?) 



HONORABLE MENTIONS

"They didn't finish erasing an older cartoon. Just pretend he's a rock."--boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At first this seems like just another mail-it-in, lame cap from a once-respected anti-capper who now struggles with personal demons--but look closer and it is a pointed barb at lazy-ass NYer cartoonists whose distaste for the Caption Contest is obvious. All this cartoonist did was take a guy from the fifties and stick him into a cave. [We know he's from the fifties because he is smoking, drinking a martini AND has a thin tie.] The caption suggests that they simply recycle the images erasing and redrawing as needed. Maybe boneguy is on the verge of a comeback.)

Whoops... last cap was mine  --Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  This was added one minute after Jim entered  this cap: "He says our lives will be better if we lower his taxes. I say we go along with him until someone discovers logic." First off: logic, common sense and fair play where all discovered long before this type of reasoning took hold, but the rich are better at getting their message out. More important, it is a rare degree of  narcissism pride that compels someone to go back and assure they are properly credited in this contest. The "Whoops...last cap was mine" part gets a nod because only a primitive person would say such a thing.)

"He called it a 'centerfold' and promised that it would be a tasteful shot"--David Macharelli   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hef got many girls to pose with that line of reasoning. Funny thing: whenever Playboy does a cave girl theme they drape a lion cloth over a stunning blonde who is perfectly made up and has silky smooth shaved legs--to keep it real they mess up her hair a little, but not too much.  I've done my research, is all I'm saying.)

"I have a mind to tell him to get out of my chair."--Kathy H   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a previous winner who was never heard from again. I assume by now she has out grown this type of thing. What's your excuse Kathy?) 

"Look, he's the only traveling Spackle® salesman in these parts. And from the looks of these walls, I think we should hear him out."-TimH (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  The addition of the ® is the only thing this has going for it. Spackle is indeed a registered trademark of the MuraloCo. but it was not introduced until 1927. So this cap is historically inaccurate--beside being completely lame, I mean.)

"Keep an open mind, Holgar. He calls it 'manscaping' and I think he'son to something."--Air Stein   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Holgar no like hygiene. Holgar like Red Sox.) 
.
"Christ, what a wormhole!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cute little nod to a quasi-classic.  ) 


"That's right, Fred. Mr. Hanna here says that if you ditch the beard, he can get us a TV series."--Utellme   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A slightly vague reference to William Hanna who together with partner Joseph Barbera hatched The Flintstones. He was a total Hollywood pro who would never cast an unknown for the lead, so this too is bogus.


Somewhere in small town America, circa 1959:
"My agent says the Wilma role would be a huge break for me. I would have to move to Bedrock, though."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See previous comment.)

"Get used to your hand, OogOog McCavedouche."--Penelope   (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  As is often the case with lazy cartoonists, the hand is not drawn well. This cap would not merit attention accept for the response it engendered.) 


"30,000 years from now, when his cursor changes into the shape of a hand, it will fit perfectly over your bare neck." (Anyone else notice this?)--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim, a veteran anti-capper who long ago put to rest all allegations of debauchery and malfeasance, made the same observation but knew how to dress it up a bit. But he wasn't done. Read on.) 

Hate to enter a non-caption, but what are the odds Penelope would enter a caption with a "hand" reference 2 minutes before mine? To top it off, he/she signs their last name "Cavedouche", a nickname that I have been affectionately called by some of my "friends" over the years.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cavedouche does have a nice ring to it and seems strangely fitting. I did some checking, Jim, and confirmed that the entry preceding yours was send from a computer in your home--in the basement. Be scared Jim. Be very, very sacred.) 

"Don't worry. It's just one of Don Draper's dream sequences. It'll be over in a minute."--Tim H  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A dedicated Mad Man viewer, Mrs. alinla confirms that Don does have dream things, but she has no recollection of time travel. The important thing is: Tim's creative juices are flowing. One day soon he is bound to enter something worth while.) 

"The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one....Well that's what he told me anyway. So I let him fuck me. He says his name's Don Draper."--Peggy   (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is actually something Don said on the show. It is unlikely that he would go back in time to make it with a cave-woman, but if he did she would probably be married and he would likely have a martini and a cigarette afterward. So this long winded cap has some bit of value. ) 


"Honey, you didn't catch my Jules Verne."--Anonymous   (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Yes. It was caught. I gave it to my friend Ben Dover.)











81 comments:

Corg said...

"Corg sorry, but he give fire if I blow him. some things never change."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Liar Liar Pants On ... What should we call this?"

Anonymous said...

"He's saying our print media skills are becoming obsolete."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I know ... Let's call it 'Friar' after an earlier Caption Contest winner!"

the usual suspects said...

"Christ, what an asshole."

David Macharelli said...

"He called it a 'centerfold'and promised that it would be a tasteful shot"

Anonymous said...

"He wants to download his file into my folder while you're not watching."

Anonymous said...

"It's his man cave, Org, and we're his guests, so stop scratching your balls."

Tim H said...

"Don't worry. It's just one of Don Draper's dream sequences. It'll be over in a minute."

Kathy H said...

"I have a mind to tell him to get out of my chair."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Morg, don't make eye contact! ... He's SOOO Flaming Gay!"

Anonymouse said...

"All he keeps saying is Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco."

Damon said...

"They didn't finish erasing an older cartoon. Just pretend he's a rock."

boneguy said...

It looks like the Paul Ryan budget has worked out well for Paul Ryan.

Kathy H said...

"Yes, I agree that a pocket square is so pretentious, but let's just keep it to ourselves, OK?"

Air Stein said...

"Keep an open mind, Holgar. He calls it 'manscaping' and I think he's on to something."

Dr Sumguy said...

"We owe him big time hon! ... Why dontcha stick a weenie up your ass, and do your Jimmy Durante impersonation!"

Eve O. Lution said...

"He mentioned something called Prohibition and wanting to try our hooch; I made him a martini."

Utellme said...

"Think he knows what we mean by 'have him for dinner'?"

Utellme said...

"What's a three-way?"

boneguy said...

He says our cave is in foreclosure and that if freeway underpasses existed, we could go live there.

Tim H said...

"Look, he's the only traveling Spackle® salesman in these parts. And from the looks of these walls, I think we should hear him out."

JohnnyB said...

He's a big wheel. You're fired.

Suzanna L. said...

"He's one of the modern Homo sapien sperm donors. You do want our children to have a genetic future, don't you?"

Kathy H said...

"He says what this place could use is a nice Christopher Weyant."

Anonymous said...

"Go invent the door and lock yourself out."

Anonymous said...

He says your wheel-thingie idea is impossible to monetize, but he's offering a couple of pelts as a favor.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dex said...

"Christ, what a wormhole!"

boneguy said...

He says he's eaten a debutante or two. It turns out we do have something in common.

Anonymous said...

"Rrrk mak px pryq!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He says for $20.99 a month we can get 'Home Fire Delivery', and he'll throw in bottled water!"

smuck said...

"Well, Ug did promise change."

Bob Kane said...

"Let's all beat it before Batman Returns."

Utellme said...

"That's right, Fred. Mr. Hanna here says that if you ditch the beard, he can get us a TV series."

Utellme said...

"Gosh, but Wayne Manor looks so much like home. Where's Alfred with that antelope?"

Anonymous said...

"Honey, you didn't catch my Jules Verne."

Penelope said...

"Get used to your hand, OogOog McCavedouche"

Anonymous said...

"30,000 years from now, when his cursor changes into the shape of a hand, it will fit perfectly over your bare neck." (Anyone else notice this?)

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Hate to enter a non-caption, but what are the odds Penelope would enter a caption with a "hand" reference 2 minutes before mine? To top it off, he/she signs their last name "Cavedouche", a nickname that I have been affectionately called by some of my "friends" over the years.

Jim Cavanaugh

Penelope said...

I'd say the odds are 100% and, by the way, it's "McCavedouche" to you!

Anonymous said...

Says his name's Cavedouche. James Cavedouche.

Neander Thalburg said...

"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear? Besides, he's not even Jewish."

Troglodyte Flight said...

"He'll give us 4 wildebeest and 88 chickens for the entire spread. This gentrification business is getting way out of hand."

Guest for Fire said...

"He was nowhere near as good as you, honey. I say we eat the sonofabitch."

Neander Thalburg said...

"He wants to marry out Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear?"

Eve O. Lution said...

"He's enamored with the smell of my muff, dear. Will you excuse us a moment?"

boneguy said...

He says thanks to our median life expectancy of 24.75 years, second hand smoke isn't really an issue.

LaTreena said...

"He's come from the future to apologize for Americanizing our fine family name to McCavendish."

smuck said...

"Your brother's smoking in our apartment again. What a fucking neanderthal."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Faggot faggoting faggots!"

Shelly said...

"He can turn his olive inside out with his tongue. What've you got??"

Satireguy said...

"He's my brother and I say he stays."

Steve_O said...

"He says there's a whole world of amazing technology right outside this cave. Unless we're stupid enough to go Amish."

Peggy said...

"The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one....Well that's what he told me anyway. So I let him fuck me. He says his name's Don Draper."

Neander Thalburg said...

"He wants to marry our Blgnuk. How can he provide for her if he can't throw a spear?"

Homo, Erect Us! said...

"I learn something new from him every day. Today I discovered I'm allergic to latex."

Homo, Erect Us! said...

"I learn something new from him every day. Today I find out that having 18 kids could have totally been avoided."

Material Girl said...

"You knocked me out cold with a club. Douglas here gave me a Bentley, which, by the way, we'll be driving back to the future. Say goodbye to the kids for me, huh?"

Utellme said...

"I think Rudolph is more of a 'gatherer'."

boneguy said...

He represents a couple of tap dancing dinosaurs and is looking for investors.

Anonymous said...

"The mid century decor includes an asshole with a job."

Anonymous said...

"He says our lives will be better if we lower his taxes. I say we go along with him until someone discovers logic."

Anonymous said...

Whoops... last cap was mine

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's making a porno sequel to 'Quest for Fire', called 'Fire Down Below'!'

Dr Sumguy said...

"He'd like us to star in his new sequel 'Request for Fire'! His past credits with stars in parentheses include ... 'The Towering Ember' (Gary Coleman), 'Deep Impact' (Roseanne Barr), 'Post Impact' (Kathleen Turner), 'The Black Hole' (Queen Lativa), 'Species II' (Danny Divito), 'Hard Rain' (Claud Raines), and 'Tremors' (Willie Nelson)!

kelley805 said...

Back to the contest... She says, "Next time I get to invite an old college friend." Mike Kelley

boneguy said...

He says Archaeopteryx is this year's Elopteryx.

Anonymous said...

"If he's the one percent, we must be the two percent."

REX said...

Somewhere in small town America, circa 1959:

"My agent says the Wilma role would be a huge break for me. I would have to move to Bedrock, though."

Satireguy said...

"I dunno. What does 'gay' mean?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He's a recruiter for 'The Church Of The Latter Day Saints', and want's to know if we're black!"

Blonde said...

Whoa - First, it was "fire" and then the "wheel," I bet that next he's gonna say that he can get us a "no income verified - no money down - below prime interest rate 40 year fixed mortgage on this dump!

Anonymouse said...

"He says he used to be the President of France -- whatever that is -- and that he and his hot wife are looking for a foursome -- whatever that is."

Anonymous said...

"He says he's running for president and needs to relate to the average man. I say let's shit in his drink and beat the snot out of him. I say that's average enoudg."

Satireguy said...

"He wants to know if we have any lemon twists or olives."

D. Sanchez said...

"Give him a chance. Would you like to taste the cream pie we made while were out failing as a hunter?"

boneguy said...

Somehow Seat Guru never works for me.

Bob Fossil said...

"He's from PETA. He's here to confiscate our entire wardrobe."

Utellme said...

"Mr. Gere wants to know if we still raise gerbils."

Homo, Erect Us! said...

"He's not wearing a hood, if you know what I mean."

Satireguy said...

"Well at least he's not as prissy as that Dick Cavett fellow."

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.