Monday, April 23, 2012

The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #332







WINNERS
FIRST PLACE

"No, squeeze her from the bottom up, like she's a toothpaste tube!" --NJ-to-TX  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes it's crude, nasty and painfully idiotic but it is also somewhat flawed. This assumes that there is some advantage to the technique suggested. It also assumes the octopus can understand English.  Even so, it made me chuckle a mild but unmistakable chuckle. Some weeks that's all it takes.) 


SECOND PLACE
What the fuck do you expect me to do? --boneguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Really, what can this poor guy do but scramble for the cel phone camera and get this thing up on YouTube. Diving in to help would be laudable but ultimately futile. This works even better if you see the woman as a symbol for all those who struggle in vain; the tentacle as a metaphor for something evil [any thing you like], and the guy as a total self-absorbed asshole.)

THIRD PLACE
"You keep him busy while I get him a refund from the psychiatrist in #326." --Damon  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "You can go for years without an octopus in a New Yorker cartoon then you get two within weeks--what's up with that?!?" That, I'm guessing, is the query that rattled around the head of devoted anti-capper Damon. Like many others, he noticed that they had an octopus on a shrink's couch not too long ago. Unlike everyone else, Damon channeled his bewilderment into an Anti-Caption. For this he gets a well earned Third Place nod. )


HONORABLE MENTIONS

"Maud! ... The car keys! ... THROW the car keys!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  If memory serves the actress who played title role in the Bond film "Octopussy" was named Maud so this may have historical significance. Why she was ever allowed to have the car keys is the real question here. )



"You were right- a wring worth two months salary definitely shows better." --Shelly  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Often the need to spew forth a pun overwhelms the desire make sense. Anti-caps can also be used to vent pent up anger. This suggests that the guy is taunting the woman for demanding expensive jewelry. If her phone rings he can tell the caller "she's a bit squeezed for time right now." He is not marriage material but he is very clever.)

"What war on women?"--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again this can be seen as topical political commentary if you get the symbolism. Hence: The guy speaking is some Fox News jerk off like Hannity or O'Rielly, the octopus represents oppressive backward policies advanced by idiot scumbags like Rick Santorum, and the woman, of course, is a woman. When she washes up dead, Rush Limbaugh will wonder why she'd go swimming in such revealing attire. "Maybe the slut was asking for it." he'll opine. I think I've made my point.)

"Should I take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? And what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?" --Captions by Shakespeare  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just want to thank who ever posted this for trying to class up the joint. It didn't work but we acknowledge the effort.)

It wasn't right, but all Matt could think about were those breasts landing right in his hands. --Glenn  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not to be gross but we're left wondering if these body parts will still be attached when he gets a hold of them. And thanks for pointing out that it wasn't right.)

Octopi Wall Street takes a vacation. --Anonymouse  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Twisted but the symbolism is unmistakable: Some get squeezed while others watch helplessly. You don't have a problem with that, do you?  )

"Here! Catch my jewels, Verne!" --Sam Antic  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can just hear her saying this when you look at the image. )

"Isn't it exciting, honey? 
The Mets just swept the Marlins!" --Kathy H  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: His "honey" is about to meet a gruesome death but he is crowing about a team headed for fifth place. A true Mets fan indeed. )

 Feels oily, you crazy bastard! How are you coming with the clean-up?--Jim Cavanaugh  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Poking through some old posts on this blog I see Jim's been with us since 2009. Seems longer.)

(Roger Corman's remake of 'Monsters from the Ocean Floor') ... FASTER! BIGGER! LOUDER! more SUCTION! --Dr Sumguy  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't drag Corman down into our snake pit.)

"Mikaaaaa!"
"Aaaaaaal!"--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  I wish I could save her from the clutches of that nimrod Joe Scarborough.)


"Sylvia! Al's all caught up judging the contests! Where should we go to celebrate?"--Anonymous  (JUDGE'S COMMENT:  Anyplace where octopus is not a health treat and the captions are better than this one.)


alinla thinking...
"This would never happen on Staten Island's South Beach." --Anonymouse  (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How would I know? I don't live there anymore.)

96 comments:

boneguy said...

What the fuck do you expect me to do?

boneguy said...

If what I think you mean by all the wild hand waving, then yes, calamari would be great for dinner.

This Beach is Octopied said...

"Just give 'im some octopussy, Janice! He'll bring you back to shore, guaranteed."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Maud! ... The car keys! ... THROW the car keys!"

boneguy said...

I said, "Can I watch while he eats you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Maud! ... The Lamaze! ... Use the Lamaze technique!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Maud! ... The 'Lamaze'! ... Use the 'Lamaze technique'!"

Anonymous said...

"Tell him you've got a headache!"

Anonymous said...

"Jeezus! I know what you're going through—I married her."

Austin said...

You have to make a scene everywhere we go, don't you.

Austin said...

Next on "Ripley's Believe It Or Not," Joran van der Sloot talks to police in Aruba.

Glenn said...

It wasn't right, but all Matt could think about were those breasts landing right in his hands.

Tim H said...

"Honey, hold on while I get the camera! You're being attacked by a rare Marine Bass Clef!"

Damon said...

"You keep him busy while I get him a refund from the psychiatrist in #326."

JohnnyB said...

Come and get your hat yourself.

Anonymouse said...

Octopi Wall Street takes a vacation.

Sam Antic said...

"Here! Catch my jewels, Verne!"

Insensitive Pete said...

"See, Honey, I told you your box smells like fish."

Sandy Beech said...

"Don't swallow, it's ink!"

This Beach is Octopied said...

"What? Bringing her back already?"

Satireguy said...

"You knew when you married me that I couldn't swim."

Utellme said...

"While you're down there, say hello to Leonardo Di Caprio!"

smuck said...

"Help! It's a unipus!"

smuck said...

"You're obviously not wearing a high enough SPF."

Kathy H said...

"What's that, honey? What's up? Turf's up? Murph's up? Oh, surf's up! Yes! Yes it is! You're right! 'Surf's up!'"

Dr Sumguy said...

Dos suction cups, dos suction cups,de on the 'D' cups!

Anonymous said...

"First word—how many letters?"

Anonymous said...

"You're so fucking high-maintenance, Monique!"

Anonymous said...

"I don't understand, there's usually a lifeguard."

Jim Cavanaugh

Glenn said...

"What for are you yelling 'kelp', Rachel"?

Anonymous said...

"Mikaaaaa!"

"Aaaaaaal!"

Boy Yancy said...

"No, Mindy, I'm a Negro. I can't get in there, I'll sink!"

Robbie Wagner said...

"Honey, I finally understand what you meant by the 'ocean of difference' between us."

boneguy said...

I can't take the chance. I'm allergic to seafood.

Dr Sumguy said...

(Roger Corman's remake of 'Monsters from the Ocean Floor') ... FASTER! BIGGER! LOUDER! more SUCTION!

Dr Sumguy said...

Poem: 'A Day at the Beach' ... The sun on my face the sand in my toes makes any day a delight. Hunting for seashells and surfing the waves makes everything seem alright, except for the clouds which hung ponderously on the horizon like steel-gray, loosely formed gorilla turds!

Anonymous said...

"It's always ME ME ME with you! What about MY needs?"

Kathy H said...

"You'll never make it on Dancing with the Stars with that routine! Too many lifts!"

JohnnyB said...

Hey, Sandy, I "sea" you "shore" are "wave"ing hard at me. L O L.

Glenn said...

"Grab his balls!! Grab his balls and squeeze hard!!"

"Jesus, I hope it has balls."

boneguy said...

You're right, it sucks.

Aw, Schlitz!! said...

"Then you won't mind if I have the last beer eat these two chicken wings? You're a peach."

Renal 911 said...

"Hey! This is Wife Swap!Where's mine?"

Anonymouse said...

alinla thinking...
"This would never happen on Staten Island's South Beach."

Richard H said...

"Hold On, Sandra. I'm Gonna Get This... I Think the Third Word Rhymes With Kelp"

Suzanna L. said...

Sticky situations in Texas, where Hook 'em Horns has more power than the middle finger.

Dr Sumguy said...

'BOSTON HERALD' Headline the following day! ... 'BOOBIES BOB OVER 'LITTLE TITTIES BANK'!

Reciprocifuckoff said...

"Look, I be much more inclined to help if we still ever had sex."

Aw, Schlitz!! said...

"Then you won't mind if I have the last beer and eat these two chicken wings? You're a peach."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ten Tacles and a Touchdown said...

"Nancy! Where are the car keys?!" Oh yeah, they're in my pocket. "Never mind, honey!"

Utellme said...

"Look! There's the Goodyear blimp! No, Martha, over there!"

smuck said...

"Alas, these hands will never hold those breasts again."

boneguy said...

Give the locavore thing a rest, Martha.

boneguy said...

Fuck if you can't get a meal these days that isn't covered in foam.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Adios Alvin ... email me @kamasutra.come!"

Anonymous said...

"I'll be with you in ninety minutes. I just ate."

hannibal said...

"I'll be with you in ninety minutes. I just ate my wife."

Lady Di Ichi said...

"Oh, I know, Honey. Club Med Fukushima kicks ass!"

Anonymous said...

It's looking like he can't find your clit either.

Anonymous said...

"Without my glasses I can barely see the inner tube."

Tim H said...

"You're gonna need a bigger...something!"

Kurtz said...

"The whore. The whore."

Dex said...

"Hey, don't go all Laocoön on me."

Captions by Shakespeare said...

"Should I take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? And what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil? When he himself might his quietus make
with a bare bodkin?"

Anonymouse said...

"Honey, what's the number for 9-1-1?!"

Kathy H said...

"Isn't it exciting, honey? The Mets just swept the Marlins!"

Satireguy said...

"I'm ready. Let her rip."

Blonde said...

You're kidding right? - Cuz I just spent 20 minutes applying sunscreen~!

Blonde said...

Personally I think you'd have a much wilder ride with a Sperm Whale but, as usual, what the fuck do I know?

Anonymous said...

"Marco!"

Anonymous said...

"I hear he makes an awesome tit and tentacle chowder!"

Anonymous said...

"C-monnnn, Heather! You're a survivor!"

Dr Sumguy said...

Sea World's newest ride ... 'Foreplay di Mare'!

Shelly said...

"You were right- a wring worth two months salary definitely shows better."

Kathy H said...

"Jeez, Sally! First you convince me to come to Asbury Park with you and then I find out that Bruce is touring in LA. And now this!"

Hier Allweek said...

"Honestly, in your case it's more like fatty-dipping. Holy crap, an octopus!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, squeeze her from the bottom up, like she's a toothpaste tube!"

Anonymous said...

Feels oily, you crazy bastard! How are you coming with the clean-up?

Jim Cavanaugh

Utellme said...

"The car keys! Throw me the car keys, Mildred!"

Anonymous said...

"Sylvia! Al's all caught up judging the contests! Where should we go to celebrate?"

smuck said...

"You're blocking my view, bitch."

Greta Van Suspect said...

This is a police sketch documenting Van Der Sloot's latest explanation for the disappearance of Natalie Holloway.

Grandma said...

"that octopus makes your cleavage look downright fuckable, dear."

Austin said...

"Be a doll and get me a beer while you're up. Thanks!"

Austin said...

"See? I told you there were no sharks here!"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Land ho!"

Anonymous said...

"Is there a place, ANYPLACE, we can go where you won't get hit on?"

Air Stein said...

"Kick it in the tentacles!"

Air Stein said...

"Jesus Christ, Connie. I think you just woke up a coma patient in North Dakota."

Anonymous said...

"I'd help...if my fat ass wasn't glued to a chair!"

Anonymous said...

"What war on women?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Steve_O said...

"I'll miss you! And, uh, are you okay with me dating your sister?"

Anonymous said...

"Keep pointing out his faults till he goes limp!"

price per head said...

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Brad said...

"Jeez, Sally! First you convince me to come to Asbury Park with you and then I find out that Bruce is touring in LA. And now this !"

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