Monday, April 16, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #331
















WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"Back-off, you mother-fucking alien piece of shit, and go back to your own planet you uninsured little green cock-sucker." --Angry Xenophobe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Alien haters seldom speak this frankly but there is social commentary here and a bit of irony. The space vehicle is clearly in a position of strength, yet the driver in the car is unloading this nasty tirade. Wait until he finds out that their mission  is to serve man.)
.
SECOND PLACE
"Couldn't we have used a green screen? I feel like Vic Morrow." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's nothing to lose your head over. Good use of morbid Hollywood trivia. )
.
THIRD PLACE
"Don't panic Alice. The LAPD is only making changes for the better. Did you notice? These new recruits even have their own motto, 'to protect and to serve man'. Let's see what they want." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Recently, there have been many stories about how the LAPD has changed in the 20 years since the cops beat the living shit out of Rodney King. Still, they remain very aggressive and will one day most certainly use space craft and proton torpedoes to maintain order. That's why this works. )
.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Kang: "Ha! Their transportation devices don't even levitate, much less go warp speed."
Kodos: "Fucking Earthbillies." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The recurring space aliens seen in The Simpsons do come off a bit snobbish. Many believe other life forms around the galaxy see Earth as a primitive, uncivilized place that's not worth invading, conquering or harvesting.)







"I call that I totally get firstsies on the anal probe!" -- Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a predictable string of caps that assume advanced alien beings who have mastered space travel would come all the way here to do rectal exams. This is vanity or, as this cap suggests, wishful thinking. There's other fun stuff to do on this planet, you know.
. .
"Well, honey, you're just asking for it when you drive around in a Probe."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From 1989–1997 Ford did in fact offer a sports car by that name. Jim, always the class act, doesn't over do it. He merely hints at the horror that awaits this couple. Note how the woman can't help but get in a snotty comment even as they are about to be abducted. Mrs. alinla would never be so condescending. )
.
"Go ahead and pull over, hon- it's probably just a routine scan for anal worms." -Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, however, is exactly what Mrs. alinla would say if an alien space craft was on our tail. And I would likely acquiesce. We'd both test negative [at least I know I would], so why resist? This may be a comment on how we tolerate increasingly intrusive measures in the name of security. )
.
"Martian cops are jerks. Get ready to show your anus." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been funnier if it said "Uranus." The seventh planet from the Sun has long been scoffed at because it sounds like "your anus." It also has 27 moons so a high school kid can write a paper titled "The Many Moons of Uranus." and chuckle like Bevis and Butthead when he turns it in. If he were to call it "The Many Moons of Your Anus" there would be issues. You get my meaning, Damon? )
.
Well we're really F*cked now - it's the Roswell HP and I hear their sobriety test is a real pain in the ass!!! --Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What's being implied here is that the alien cops can determine sobriety by ramming something up your ass. It's a technique perfected by ex-NYPD cop Justin Volpe. You can spell out "fucked" here by the way. Doing it your way only makes you look weak.)
.
"OMG, we're being followed by a corny unimaginative cliché!" --Glenn (JUDGE'SCOMMENT: Glenn, we have come to expect better from you. This is not funny, it's just cynical -- and cynicism is the mother's milk of apathy which often prevents the incompetent from meddling in areas best left to others. One more thing: Please don't use test message shorthand here, okay? [Note I didn't even say "ok."])
.
"OK, Scully, you owe me a blowjob."--jimM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which she'd say: "Sure Mulder, right after I do every 15 year-old nerd who has me imbedded in his spank bank.")
.
"Captain, the alien ship continues to approach. I suggest you deploy your middle finger." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That's the way people you don't have proton torpedoes settle this kind of thing. We appreciate Star Trek nods.)
.
"QUICK SERPENTINE! ... Klingon Incoming! ... The're about to drop the 'Captains Log'!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe not ALL Star Trek nods. Still, this is not without its charm.)
.
The UFOers here are high-beamed.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We can always count on Jim for a classic--not that there's anything right with that.)
"Flew spacely, you crazy bastard. Who are you" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You forgot the question mark...You also forgot to enter something that makes sense.)
Christ what an asshole! What? An alien? Oh, I thought you said al in la was following us. -- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Following, avoiding...whatever. )
.
"Hide the weed!" --Hella-Trippin' Jeff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If they are in California there is no need. Anxiety, along with life threatening illnesses, is just cause to get medical marijuana. You only have to hide it if they don't have their own.)
.
"Relax, we just left Al's place in Los Alamos where residual radiation makes objects seem closer than they are and egos and cartoons bigger." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lot to chew on here. I did find a way to make the cartoons bigger. Unfortunately better, I can NOT do, even as impressed with myself as I apparently am.)
.
"Holy shit! It just became gigantic in a split second! Only an extraterrestri al has the power to do that!" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another apparent reference to the up-sized image. It all about consumer satisfaction at each point of contact.)
.
alinla speaking:
"Mika, before I forget, did you remember to bring the canola oil?" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for keeping hope alive, Tim.)
.
In car, Mrs. alinla to Mr. alinla::
"I told you JohnnyB was an alien!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually she sees him as a valued member of the Anti-Cap family. She is very tolerant of even the most pathedict luckless souls, is all I'm trying to say.)
.
“Relax, Hubert, it’s just al ien la out cruising for clues.” --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My ten-year-old car has about 140,000 miles on it. Well short of the 238,855 miles that separate the earth from the moon. I point this out to keep things in perspective. )
.
No rush, honey. Alien abduction seems like a good Saturday night alternative to judging a three week old cartoon.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I disagree and since I'm the judge...)


108 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"Thank god ... We've got a closed-end lease!"

Anonymous said...

"Fucking beamers."

Anonymouse said...

"You had to get a Ford Galaxie!"

Kathy H said...

In car, Mrs. alinla to Mr. alinla::
"I told you JohnnyB was an alien!"

Tim H said...

"Honey, quick, call the Car Talk guys on NPR!!"

Glenn said...

"Couldn't we have used a green screen? I feel like Vic Morrow."

Damon said...

"When we get home, you're taking off that Scientology bumper sticker."

Damon said...

"Martian cops are jerks. Get ready to show your anus."

smuck said...

Coupe Encounters of the Third Kind.

boneguy said...

Have you ever wondered what Steven Spielberg did with all his money?

boneguy said...

Awesome tow package, Ralph.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Elliot! ... It' E.T.! ... That wasn't his finger you pulled on!"

boneguy said...

Let's pull over, jump 'em, and then look for Obama's birth certificate.

Kathy H said...

"Damn! And I just had Earl Scheib paint this sucker!"

Utellme said...

"Don't panic Alice. The LAPD is only making changes for the better. Did you notice? These new recruits even have their own motto, 'to protect and to serve man'. Let's see what they want."

JohnnyB said...

Just jam on the brakes; that'll teach him to tailgate.

JohnnyB said...

When I get to the end, I want to start all over again.

JohnnyB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanna L. said...

"Shotgun!"

Anonymous said...

“Relax, Hubert, it’s just al ien la out cruising for clues.”

Anonymous said...

The UFOers here are high-beamed.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"QUICK SERPENTINE! ... Klingon Incoming! ... The're about to drop the 'Captains Log'!"

Kathy H said...

"I think they want your Honk If You Like Geese bumper sticker."

Grandma said...

"I call that I totally get firstsies on the anal probe!"

Angry Xenophobe said...

"Back-off, you mother-fucking alien piece of shit,and go back to your own planet you uninsured little green cock-sucker."

Anonymous said...

"I'm doing 58 in a 55 and the entire New Hampshire State Police Force is fucking me up the ass!"

Glenn said...

"Remember that really weird, slimy looking guy you flipped off back there?"

smuck said...

"No, Gary, I don't believe you are having a heart attack. The racing pulse and sense of impending doom are more typically indicative, as explained in the DSM-4, of a panic attack. However, in this case, I think it's safe to say that your discomfort is a perfectly rational nervous-system response to the current situation in which we find ourselves, racing at breakneck speed, mowing over cyclists, and basically doing anything we can to flee from an alien ship hell-bent on killing us."

Tim H said...

"Damn those relentless AP reporters!"

Anonymous said...

"Pull over, Newt. They've come to colonize your asshole."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Satisfied, Harold? I'm working on my abs."

Anonymous said...

"The only thing that can save us is if you give me a blowjob right now."

Dex said...

"Saucer? I barely..."

Glenn said...

"OMG, we're being followed by a corny unimaginative cliché!"

Anonymous said...

"Well, honey, you're just asking for it when you drive around in a Probe."

Jim Cavanaugh

Walt said...

"Fucking weather balloons!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"No Headlights? ... Change to 'Space Fockers.com' for all your auto insurance needs!"

Dr Sumguy said...

No Headlights! ... Switch to AAA (Alien Automobile Association)!

Ken said...

Could you change the station? That five tone song is getting repetitive.

Anonymous said...

"If you want to pay $3.97 a gallon go ahead, asswipe, because this new swamp gas is a helluva lot cheaper."

Anonymous said...

"Stand your ground, dear."

Anonymous said...

"Hand me the 38. I'm gonna give this fucker a new navel."

Shelly said...

"Go ahead and pull over, hon- it's probably just a routine scan for anal worms."

Anonymouse said...

"I almost forgot. It's the feast day of Cinco Luces."

Anonymouse said...

Spotlight on Lou Rawls y'all
Ah don't he look tall y'all
Singin' loves a hurtin' thing now
Oh yeah, oh yeah

Spotlight on Sam and Dave now
Ah don't they look boss y'all
Singin' hold on I'm comin'
Oh yeah, oh yeah

Spotlight on Wilson Pickett
That wicked picket Pickett
Singin Mustang Sally
Oh yeah, oh yeah

Spotlight on Otis Redding now
Singing fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa
Oh yeah, oh yeah

Spotlight on James Brown now
He's the king of them all, yeah
He's the king of them all, yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah

Kathy H said...

"Well, what did you expect from Kim Warp?!"

Satireguy said...

"Must be the new laser anal probe."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I said take 'ROUTE 66' to 'CLUB 54', not 'PCH' to 'AREA 51'!"

Utellme said...

Ever since Joey Greco was stabbed, Cheaters has upped the ante.

Satireguy said...

"It's those goddamn tailgaters from Alpha Centauri again."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's the 'Costa Concordia', and she's trying to pass on the right!"

NAMBY said...

"Captain, the alien ship continues to approach. I suggest you deploy your middle finger."

Austin said...

Since we're not going to remember the next three hours anyway, I've been fucking your brother for the last six months.

Anonymous said...

"Holy shit! It just became gigantic in a split second! Only an extraterrestri al has the power to do that!"

Austin said...

Pull over and let them pass.

Austin said...

The swamp gas is awfully bright tonight.

Loyal Royal Douche said...

It's the Parisian papparazzi Pippa!get me my toy gun!

smuck said...

"Christ, what an asshole!"

smuck said...

"Punch it, Margaret!"

Tim H said...

"Damn you Joshua Light Show!"

Glenn said...

"This is how they killed Princess Di."

boneguy said...

No rush, honey. Alien abduction seems like a good Saturday night alternative to judging a three week old cartoon.

Satireguy said...

"I told you to take a left at the last intersection but, no, you wouldn't listen."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I think we're being followed by a large balloon payment!"

Hella-Trippin' Jeff said...

"Hide the weed!"

Zachary Smith said...

"William, I'm not sure whether it's arousal or exposure to lethal levels of gamma rays, but my nipples are really starting to tingle."

Blonde said...

Well we're really F*cked now - it's the Roswell HP and I hear their sobriety test is a real pain in the ass!!!

I-beam said...

"I'm feeling a little light headed."

REX said...

"Relax, it's just the local cops. Some of these small town got a ton of homeland security money and they don't know what to do with it."

Jan Brewer said...

"Ai Dios mio! We barely made it across the border."

"I toll ju, in America, it's alien against alien."

Jean Bethell said...

"Poor Bam! I think that little monkey has lost his shit up there. Captain Jim is gonna have to euthanize that little guy"

Tim H said...

alinla speaking:
"Mika, before I forget, did you remember to bring the canola oil?"

Anonymous said...

"Flew spacely, you crazy bastard. Who are you"

Anonymous said...

"Try tapping on the brakes."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Relax, we just left Al's place in Los Alamos where residual radiation makes objects seem closer than they are and egos and cartoons bigger."

Anonymous said...

"The saucer wants your plates."

Anonymous said...

"Your finger could be put to better use right now, Fred."

Steve_O said...

Kang: "Ha! Their transportation devices don't even levitate, much less go warp speed."
Kodos: "Fucking Earthbillies."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I'm surprised how light the traffic is."

Dr S,s,s,sumguy said...

"D,d,d,don't p,p,panic! It's only a 'F,F,FUO'! ... F,f,fucker of unknown origin!"

Kathy H said...

"I think I see something and I think I'm gonna say something."

H.E. Doubletoothpixlers said...

"Ah, yeah?! And next they'll be saying there's life on earth. Ha. Ha-ha."

Our Favorite Martian said...

"All of our friends said it'd be cheaper to hire illegal aliens."

"Yeah, but these guys don't do any work, they follow us everywhere, and my butt hurts."

Utellme said...

"Why is your ex-husband still stalking you, honey? Did you let him go where no man has gone before?".

Mama Giancarla said...

"Hey, let's pull over and get caught. I hear Martians have really cute snatches."

Miles Standish said...

"The odometer on that thing is longer than your shlong."

Dr Sumguy said...

"We're being sucked (in) by the 'Death Starlet'! ... Time for the 'Burrito Torpedo'!"

Rich Lather said...

"Suck it, Space hobo!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"We're screwed! ... The police won't come! ... They're 'Resident' Aliens!"

JohnnyB said...

Christ what an asshole! What? An alien? Oh, I thought you said al in la was following us.

Tim H said...

"Boy, this satellite radio tech support is outstanding!"

Anonymous said...

Don't blame you, Johnny B. He's on your ass most of the time.

Jim Cavanaugh

Former Abductee said...

"Let's lose 'em, Carl. I bet they can't fit through that tunnel up ahead."

"It's not that tunnel I'm worried about."

Anonymous said...

"We'd better pull over, Jack. It's a District K-9 unit."

Anonymous said...

"Do you think those spacemen want to abduct us?"

"Probeably."

Anonymous said...

"Get this mother-fucking-ship off my motherfucking ass!"

Anonymous said...

"Ok ok!...so try Klattu Barada Fukyu."

Back to the Future Perfect said...

"Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it will have been."

Anonymous said...

"Don't fuck with the Grateful Dead Aliens asshole."

Air Stein said...

"Who puts 'MTHRSHP' on their plates?"

Air Stein said...

"They've come to take you home, numb nuts."

Dom Istever said...

"Evrolet Girl has a high-heel shoe with headlights and now she's gonna crush us. Floor it, Timmy."

Utellme said...

"Why is your ex-husband still stalking you, honey?"

"He's pissed that I married a gringo."

Kathy H said...

"Not another Pepsi Light commercial!"

jimM said...

"OK, Scully, you owe me a blowjob."

Unmentionable said...

"They've come for your Presidential Medal of Freedom."

price per head said...

wow… what a post i like it very much thanks for publishing this article thanks again

sohbet said...

very blog
sohbet odaları & sohbet & sohbet
chat sohbet & kelebek sohbet & kelebek chat
kelebek indir & mirc indir &kelebek sohbet
kelebek chat & sohbet odalari & sohbet
cinsel sohbet & cinsel chat &
urfa & urfa haber
sohbet & chat
kelebek sohbet & kelebek chat
chat yap
sohbet & chat & sohbet kanalları
sohbet kanalı & chat kanalı & sohbet
mynet sohbet & mynet & mirc indir
mirc & mirc indir

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.