Monday, April 9, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #330

 










WINNERS





FIRST PLACE
"Are you becoming a bed or not?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very crafty. No doubt inspired by tiny little NY apartments. The take away: Their place is so small the dude doubles as an easy chair, which, in turn, converts to a bed. [Or as Rodney Dangerfield used to say: "So small you have to go out side to change your mind."] The woman of course does double duty as wife and curfew enforcer. [Note the hands on hips.] It's an awkward arrangement for everyone.)

SECOND PLACE
No sex until you put on a plastic slip cover! --cubshlub (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Insightful and provocative yet in a childish, clumsy kind of way. It's similar to a finalist in the "real contest" which says: “My sister’s coming over. You could at least throw on a slipcover.” [I predict it will win. Congrats to Karen Parker of Troy, Mich. if it does.] What makes that cap work is the "throw on" part. It confirms that it will take the guy only a few moments to make himself semi-presentable. It also tells us that she is the beleaguered wife of a couch potato-slob. In a similar vein, the anti-cap here would work better if, instead of "put on," it said "agree to wear." Prissy upper-middleclass men "wear" condoms [not "use" and certainly not "throw on"]. Makes it sounds like a fashion choice. It's all in how you phrase these things is what I'm trying to say. Still, a darn good cap.)


THIRD PLAVE
"I'm beat. Are you ready to turn into bed?"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very similar to [but not as good as] the winner. Still, Jim is a regular Anti-Capper who has demonstrated a great affinity for dumb puns and classic caps. My guess: He is actually very smart and witty but only enters the lamest caps imaginable as a means of mocking the contest and, by extension, all that we hold dear. Lets give him a bronze for this.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I want sex; switch off The Simpsons. It's my turn to see a couch gag." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A long reach and a brilliant pun, but there are some issues. If your partner gags during sex [or, even worse, just before] it is seldom a compliment, and if this is meant to suggest the couch guy is going to choke because of aggressive oral sex, we can only assume the woman is a pre-op transsexual who, as it happens, is particularly well endowed. Also, as long as we are being honest, I found the semi-colon pretentious.)
"I said turn it down or it's the plastic slipcovers." --Mrs. Davenport (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here the woman threatens to make him wear slipcovers as a punishment of some type. Kind of kinky. We like that. But wouldn't the covers make it even more difficult for him to hear and thus give him cause to up the volume even more? This contest draws illogical caps the way dog shit draws flys.)

"No, you sit on it, Richie!" -Anonymoose (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The mildly naughty taunt "Sit on it!" was frequently heard in the classic sit-com Happy Days. It was, in essence, a polite way to say "Ram it up your ass!" It makes no sense here but Fonzi wore a windbreaker in the first episodes because network execs where unconfortable with a leather jacket. That too made no sense.)

Former NFL flop Tim Couch studies game film in preparation for yet another comeback bid. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not completely unfunny. There is indeed a failed QB with that unfortunate last name. If his name had been Tebow, he would have gotter further. Also "former flop" is only accurate if you are no longer a flop.)

"Our son just called. He's been made chair of his department." --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Proof that even lazy dads can raise successful kids. A chip of the old rocker, I suppose.)

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your cover is a slip-on." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The least lame of the classics submitted. Tiny point: They seem to be alone so who's "everyone?")

"Sit Fully? You crazy barcalounger! How are you?" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes you gave as a classic but at what cost? )

"The towels here are obscene!" --REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who's got time to do wash when you have hundreds of channels and you're build like an easy chair?)

"Philadelphia experiment, you crazy bastard. What the fuck happened?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to an old  debunked story about the navy developing stealth technology to hide a warship in WWII. Nice historical reference with a very modest payoff)

Obama did promise us loose change.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A seldom used mini-classic. Reminds me of the anti-Barry bumper stick that says "You can keep the change." I HOPE they use their CHANGE to buy more sour grapes--maybe another four year supply. )

"Does his majesty now plan to conquer the ottoman empire?" --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No one does sarcasm like a neglected spouse. This refers to the ruling authority that prevailed in Turkey for more than 500 years. It is also references a thing on which you rest your feet. That's why this pun works a little bit.)

"Hey, chair man Mao, isn't it time you turned into bed?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get it? He's a chair AND a man which makes him a chain-MAN --just like that old Chinese guy you see in crossword puzzles all the time. "A" for effort Glenn.)

"Al, if you moved your extremely wide ass away from the television set, you might find the time to judge the anti-cap contest. By the way, JohnnyB said you were quite comfortable last night, albeit drab and outdated and could stand to be a few inches longer." -- I'm Going to Go Sleep with the Sofa (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I shouldn't even dignify this type of juvenile douche bag crap with a comment, but if I applied that standard across the board the contest would be kaput. Oh, and the jokes on you because I park my remarkable firm butt [for a guy my age, I mean] in front of the TV for several hours while I sift through the thicket. I think of it as the intellectual equivalent of hip boots.)

 "Alinla called. He said judging this contest is the highlight of his fortnight." --Celie Posturepedic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why would a guy shaped like a couch NOT have a phone beside him? More perplexing: Why would I call such a person and leave a message for someone who can not leave? More important: What the hell is a "fortnight?")

128 comments:

Lawrence Wood said...

And I don't for a minute believe that Helen was just digging around for loose change.

Damon said...

"You're sofa king lazy."

Damon said...

"I want sex; switch off The Simpsons. It's my turn to see a couch gag."

boneguy said...

God, I miss my late husband, Hyman Vibra-Bed Jr.

boneguy said...

Nice trick switching channels. Now, if you really want to impress me, go the store and get me more beer.

Damon said...

"We're not moving to Texas just so you can live on the porch."

Dr Sumguy said...

Decktater watching episodes of 'MASH'.

Dr Sumguy said...

Martin Crane's chair watching episode #19 of 'Frasier'.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Dear! Switch to channel #69,'Seat of Love'!"

Anonymous said...

"Sorry . . . not in the mood for a lap dance."


---blw

REX said...

"The towels here are obscene!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So you thought you had one more wish, when you asked for a little head!"

Richard H said...

"You can call yourself a loveseat all you want, but you'll always be a couch to me"

Richard H said...

"I preferred it when you had a penis"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So your 'Chairman Meow' ... What a pussy!"

Anonymous said...

"Harold.............., he prescibed morphine."

Satireguy said...

"Are you becoming a bed or not?"

Glenn said...

"Hey love seat! Turn it, I'm tired of the Upholstery Channel."

smuck said...

"Feel like a potato, couch?"

Jess said...

"Well it's a love seat so I guess I don't have to ask what you'll be doing witb your other hand."

JohnnyB said...

My mother warned me you were a lazy boy.

Anonymous said...

When Harry died, Alice had him stuffed.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"The bigger the cushion, the less the pushin'. That used to be a good thing."

Anonymous said...

"Philadelphia experiment, you crazy bastard. What the fuck happened?"

Sam Antic said...

"Sit Fully? You crazy barcalounger! How are you?"

Mrs. Davenport said...

"I said turn it down or it's the plastic slipcovers."

Dex said...

"I'm going over to Ed Gein's to see if he has a matching chair."

Anonymous said...

"no I don't want a 'little nappy-loo' time on your fold-out. My Hitachi and I are doing just fine "

boneguy said...

The doctor did say sleeping sitting up would help your reflux.

boneguy said...

Did I just hear you say, "Why do we have to go over to Chester Field's when all we do is sit around and watch TV?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Harold! ... My nose tells me it's time to change your under spring flow restrictor!"

Dr Sumguy said...

He's old and worn out. Best described as a lovesat.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I see your wood has gotten hard! You've been watching porn, haven't you!"

Glenn said...

"Hey, chair man Mao, isn't it time you turned into bed?"

JohnnyB said...

It's over, Jerry. I've been sitting on someone else.

JohnnyB said...

I can't see you anymore. This is a bedroom community. They won't accept your kind.

Anonymous said...

"Feeling comfy again, Alfred? You've re-covered nicely,"


---left coast wayne

boneguy said...

I'll give up the gin gimlets when you lay off the Pledge.

boneguy said...

Has that tramp Murphy bed been coming down to see you again?

Anonymous said...

"Oh, and the lamp. The calf muscle from your right leg."

Satireguy said...

"Sofa, so good."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Harold!!! ... Your tuber's showing and it's a whooper! ... Get a Dolie!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Harold!!! ... Your tuber's showing and it's a whooper! ... Get a Dolie!"

Celie Posturepedic said...

"I just want you to know I'm redecorating."

Grandma said...

"No, I'm not thinking about making dinner. I'm thinking about sitting on your face."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Harold, you've plumped your last cushion! ... Tomorrow, it's 'Tonys Hotel Liquidators'!" .... ... ... crane

Anonymous said...

"You're now a Morphy bed, Fred. That's what I said

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Yikes! I married a coach potato."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Ouch couch!"

Taxidermist said...

"Oh great, another stuffed animal."

Anonymous said...

When you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.

JohnnyB said...

Okay, I get it; the shrink let an octopus sit on you and it was creepy and smelly. But I don't see how a job in the OB/GYN office is going to be any better.

boneguy said...

I have not seen your 3D glasses. Have you looked under yourself?

Austin said...

Worst... X-Man... Ever.

smuck said...

"Voulez vous a couch-ay avec moi cest soire?"

smuck said...

"You're watching The Biggest Loser? No, that's actually what I'm doing."

Kathy H said...

"If I have a legal question about insurance, you'll be the first to know."

Glenn said...

"Those bastards at Gimbels Custom Reupholstery did this. I wish I'd never called Murray Hill 7-0700. That's MU7-0700. In New Jersey, ES3-0963. Out of town, call collect."

Unknown said...

I'm going to bed, you can pull out yourself tonight.

CWilly said...

I'm going to bed, you can pull out yourself tonight.

CWilly said...

I'm going to bed, you can pull out yourself tonight.

Dex said...

"This is divan madness."

Mrs. Davenport said...

"Your 'pull out' method didn't work. I'm pregnant."

Anonymoose said...

"No, you sit on it, Richie!"

Anonymous said...

Obama did promise us loose change.

Jess said...

"I have to go. Brad Pitt is waiting in the bedroom to fuck me. That was my other wish, by the way."

Anonymous said...

"Reducing you to mere furniture makes it easier to divorce your ass."

Glenn said...

"Yes, I know how that's how you escaped the Nazis. But why do you think they'll show you on the History Channel? What makes your story such must-see TV?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Harold! ... Have you seen the 'IKEA assembled return policy'?"

Glenn said...

"That's the last time I empty your bedpan."

Tim H said...

"If your raison d'être is to deflect attention from this horrible lamp, mission accomplished."

Anonymouse said...

"How many times do I have to tell you? The show you're looking for is Coach, not Couch."

Shelly said...

"That's what you get for poking around in the lab- you took all the 'loveseat' potion."

Shelly said...

"You're way too sensitive. I need someone who can let criticism roll off his back, someone ScotchGuarded."

Glenn said...

"Can I grope your crevice for loose change?"

Anonymous said...

"Simon says 'hands on hips.' Simon says 'hands on armrests'. Okay, that's weird."

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Tim H and Anonymouse. I would pay large sums of money for a murder-suicide. You work out the details, I'll come up with the dough.

Anonymous said...

To friends Jim was known as stable and supportive. To Susan he was a backache that had been refurbished for the last time.

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Louis XIV said...

"I'm leaving you for a French Provincial. Sure, he's effeminate, but he's not up all night watching ESPN."

Utellme said...

"You're damn right I got rid of it! Did you think I was gonna let you keep banging that cocktail table right here in the next room?"

Frank Lloyd Wrong said...

"Let's watch some porn. I've got Tallboy and Man, Hope's Chest, Rough Tuft, Ottoman Orgy 3, Bubble-Butt Buffet, Chair!, I Wanna Un-Dresser, No-Hands Headboard, Settee Does Seattle, and Put Your Futon My Crotch.. Pick one."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And I hate it when you come, and your screaming ... 'ah,ah,ah,Ah,Ah,Ah,AH.AH,AH ... GRATIN'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And when I asked for the baked potato with everything, I had no idea the chives would give me a raging vaginitis!"

Celie Posturepedic said...

"Alinla called. He said judging this contest is the highlight of his fortnight."

Steve_O said...

"You smell like ass."

boneguy said...

These Google augmented reality glasses absolutely suck!

Kathy H said...

“I’m taking Thoreau’s advice and changing the name of this area from the living room to the room of quiet desperation.”

Gretchen Flurg said...

"Role play is fun!! Furniture-Man, meet I'm-Gonna-Squat-on-your-Head-Woman. Tee-hee."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Your chances of getting any are remote."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Our son just called. He's been made chair of his department."

Doodie Howser, M.D. said...

"I told you, the doctor wants me to bring in a stool. God, you're an idiot."

Missionary Position Impossible said...

"Frankly, I'm sick of reverse-cowgirl."

I'm Going to Go Sleep with the Sofa said...

"Al, if you moved your extremely wide ass away from the television set, you might find the time to judge the anti-cap contest. By the way, JohnnyB said you were quite comfortable last night, albeit drab and outdated and could stand to be a few inches longer."

Claudette Coldbeer said...

"If you had a neck, I'd wring it."

Anonymous said...

"Ready or not, here I cum."

Anonymous said...

"I'm beat. Are you ready to turn into bed?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"Not until you get those springs fixed."

smuck said...

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your cover is a slip-on."

Anonymous said...

"Brad will be here shortly, and anyway, he likes to do things with the remote."

Anonymous said...

"Goodwill won't take you."

Anonymous said...

"Turn it down--the bed's trying to sleep."

Anonymous said...

"Not tonight Frank, I'm having my period."

Bears Fan said...

"Some guy from Chicago is at the door. Says he's the Fridge."

Anonymous said...

"I swear, if you don't stop watching that thing you're going to turn into a television."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"You don't understand."

Anonymous said...

"You're not the man I married."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"I like a man who puts his couch on one arm at a time."

Anonymoose said...

"Can you even see the remote or are you just going by feel?"

Anonymoose said...

I'm taking the remote and turning to the Roots marathon, which, by the way, includes Roots II, Roots: The Next Generations, Roots: The Gift, The Fryers Club Roast of Chicken George, and Fiddler Jumps Off the Roof.

Anonymous said...

"I need to use the couch. Ernie the toilet just crapped out."

Anonymous said...

"At least you are not wearing plaid."

Anonymous said...

"I think I left my vibrator inside you."

Anonymous said...

Former NFL flop Tim Couch studies game film in preparation for yet another comeback bid.

Satireguy said...

"You're turning into your father, Lord Chesterfield."

Anonymous said...

"How do you like my housecoat?"

NAMBY said...

"Does his majesty now plan to conquer the ottoman empire?"

cubshlub said...

No sex until you put on a plastic slip cover!

Walt said...

"Only $1.65 a day? Wow, you probably have that much stuck between your unspeakably horrible tumor growths!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"The 'Hazemat Police' are here! Apparently you removed your 'Flammable Material' labels!"

Satireguy said...

"I'm not falling for that 'come here and check for loose change' ruse again."

Barca Lounger said...

"The bad news is that you're not a convertible. The good news is that this marriage is now fellatio-free."

Barc A. Lounger said...

"What? You mean you're not gonna spring for dinner? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . (sigh), I kill me."

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