Monday, April 2, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #329




 WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
Re. Contest #328:

Personally, I thought "The joke's on her. I was wearing a condom." by Anonymous was by far the best anti-cap last week. --Anonymousse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was entered and overlooked in the previous week's contest which, you'll recall, had two headless Praying Mantises strolling down a city street. This cap sucks/succeeds in the tradition of jokes about Polish people and/or blondes being dim witted. [Example: "How did the Polish blonde actress try to get a head in Hollywood?... She fucked a writer.] It suggests that the insect is really really stupid while making a comment on the politics of sex. While I do not encourage backseat judging, it does merit a nod. The entire entry works for the above cartoon if you assume the museum workers and discussing the contest .)

SECOND PLACE
"And we'll get 'Apple' to sponsor ... Dem bones, Dem bones, Dem 'Iphones'!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works on two levels: You can almost see an ad that has animatronic fossils gyrating to this song while the voice over commands you to consume superfluous technology. Also, when phone chips are embedded into our cerebral cortex iPhones will become a dinosaur. I'd like to think this cap is a statement about that, but I'm guessing it's not.)

THIRD PLACE"We've all had to step up our game since that fucking BODIES exhibition came to town" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like a blind pig finding a truffle, Rich unwittingly sticks his snout into a great cap. The highly acclaimed traveling exhibit simply known as "Bodies" uses actual human remains to uniquely depict anatomy. [Donated, no doubt, by elderly museum volunteers.] Imagine the success of a spin off exhibit called "Fucking Bodies." Way to back in to the winner's circle, R.H.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS Remember when you said what's the harm in having the exhibit sponsored by the Sammy Davis Jr. Foundation? --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bland and dated. This would be suitable if the cartoon was running in McCall's or Family Circle. Readers there would find it mildly amusing. A more edgy pay off would be "sponsored by that old gay couple.")

"Come let's mix where Dinosaurs
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
In a show that really shits." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We so seldom get entries that rhyme. Also to say something is "the shit" is praise, without the "the" it changes completely.)

"I’m so thankful to Jesus for being able to work for the Creation Museue.." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If this was the fantasy-land exhibit in Kentucky, the dinosaurs would be ridden by Adam and Eve. His hair would be neatly trimmed and she would have lion cloth tastefully covering her breasts.)

"Since this is the Creation Museum, we need to include some primitive people scolding, 'They shall become extinct since they seem SO gay.'" --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Same vein but a bit heavy handed. Primitive people shouldn't be hard to find there.)

"You're fired." --Steve_O"You are so fucking fired." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe in Steve's world the guy was fired but refused to leave prompting Steve to enter the second cap several hours after the first. This is common among hardcore anti-cappers, of which Steve_O is one. )

"You think, therefore you're fired."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bosses seldom offer this level of candor when cutting you adrift. There are instances where intelligence is a liability in the work place. In those cases they fire you by saying "It's just not working out.")

 “Oh, yes, they left their mark on the Late Cretaceous Period . . . just he and his shadow.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is historically, if not grammatically, accurate but how does a shadow leave fossil remains? Once again I beg you people to think these things through.)
And here 's the Trannies on the farewell tour soft shoeing it to the melodic tones of KT and the No Sunshine Band- -Blonde (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once while writing in a obcure b2b magazine I erroneously attributed the song "Play That Funky Music White Boy." to KC and the Sunshine Band. I actually got an angry email from the president of their fan club. This reminded me of that.)

Why does he have such funny little front legs?-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link brings you to an old commercial for the Museum of Science. Thanks, I guess.)

"Anorexia was big in the entertainment industry even then." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Quick Anti-Cap tutorial: "Big" does not work here because it is counter to anorexia which makes women bone thin [or "employable" as they say here in L.A.]. Maybe if you said "was a problem" or somehow tied it to starvation due to famine it would be funnier.)

"The dinosaurs here are upstaged." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A weak nod to a classic. "Up beat" may have worked better then "upstaged" even though it sounds less like "obscene." )

Fusuisauri, you crazy bastard! How are you going to explain this?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Also weak. Please don't make up your own words. )
[Take 2...] "I wonder what one of these looks like with skin on." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes us to a photo of a trim but wrinkled toffee colored older woman trotting on the beach in a bikini--the photo also appears on the blog of JohnnyB whose every move is closely tracked by Anti-Cap HQ. The Take 2 refers to the poster's "oh fuck" moment.)

Not a caption:
Al, I think you should move this contest to a Facebook group. Then people could "like" the good captions and give you some guidance. (explaining to you what the captions mean would still be an issue). Mrs. Al might be some support, but she married you so her judgement is suspect. To get you atarted, "Blackface" "Vaudeville is dead" and "Aristocrats" are just three examples of good ones this week.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is the case with the unique brand of wit and merriment that you bring to us week after week. your suggestion will be given all the consideration it merits. )

Not a caption:
I know I speak for "Tim H," and possibly, "Kathy H," and in a pinch, "Anonymouse," (not their real names -- just noms de caption) when I say that we have avoided Facebook like the plague. Or something. I -- we -- vote "no" on JohnnyB's thoughtful, yet not very amusing, suggestion. Now, you will have to excuse me, I have to tend to some nutty salmon on a wooden plank. --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay so we all agree: Johnny's suggestion is as dead as the fish Tim has so tastefully dispatched, Also I believe the more compassionate term is "emotionally disturbed salmon." )

Ironically, Glenn forgot the quotes in "Ahh, minstrelosaurus. All that's left to add is the blackface" when transferring his waiting caption from Word after Al so graciously noted... well, you get the point. --Shmuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Talk about computer screw ups: This is the second time I am doing this. When I tried to cut and paste the text into my blog depository, I lost the whole thing. It was like dropping a bottle of cheap whiskey: more annoying than heart breaking. It is frustrating because I had a few really good cheap shots insightful observations that I don't now remember. This is why these are so late. Anyway Glenn already knows he is on double-secret probation.)

They were called "Al and JohnnyB"; their act sucked. They were thrown into the tar pit. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speak for yourself! What's most alarming about this is that it was entered by Johnny who apparently obsesses about me to the point where he wants to parish in some gruesome murder/suicide pact. In MY fantasy it's not a tar pit, its a tub of canola oil; and I'm not paired with JohnnyB, I get tossed in with Mika Brzezinski from msnbc's Morning Joe.

Johnny B and al, here's a better suggestion. Get a room. Just get it out of your systems already. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! See previous comment! )

"They died waiting for the results of the caption contest." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They knew the risks when they tromped through a dark and dreary prehistoric wasteland inhabited by hideous beasts eager to prey on the weak: I speak, of course, of this contest.)

127 comments:

Glenn said...

Ahh, minstrelosaurus. All that's left to add is the blackface.

Glenn said...

"I’m so thankful to Jesus for being able to work for the Creation Museum."

Dex said...

"They're not bad for a couple of armatures."

Dex said...

"It's a temporary exhibit, but they'll be here all week."

Hello My Baby said...

"Strangely, Dr. Hogan often refers to the Jurassic period as 'Ragtime'."

Blonde said...

Empirical proof that Vaudeville is dead -

REX said...

"This one? Booed into extinction."

Anonymous said...

""Extinct' is such a harsh word . . . let's just say they died in the Catskills."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Oh, yes, they left their mark on the Late Cretaceous Period . . . just he and his shadow.”


---left coast wayne

Blonde said...

Ahhhh - I believe that this they are in their farewell performance at the KT event-

Blonde said...

And here 's the Trannies on the farewell tour soft shoeing it to the melodic tones of KT and the No Sunshine Band-

Sue said...

"They were an American burlesque act."

"Striptease?"

smuck said...

Why does he have such funny little front legs?

Blonde said...

They're still big! It's the pictures that got small!!

Shuffle A. Long said...

"One was still wearing his ol' soft-shoe."

Hello My Honey said...

"Strangely, Dr. Hogan often refers to the Cretaceous period as 'Ragtime'."

Boneguy said...

They cut the official greeter from our budget.

Boneguy said...

I caught their act and believe me they were "terrible lizards.".

Hello My Ragtime Gal said...

Thank you, 'Anonymous'.

NAMBY said...

"It's believed they were done in my a pre-historic critic: the T Rex Reed."

Utellme said...

"So, what do you think of their act?"

"Extincts."

Anonymous said...

"Tell you where to go, and it ain't where fashion sits."

JohnnyB said...

It's really NOT historically accurate; either switch the hats or switch the canes.

JohnnyB said...

Their career had a meteoric rise. Ironically, it ended with a falling meteor. BOOM!

JohnnyB said...

They are Stageosauruses, of course.

JohnnyB said...

They were called "Al and JohnnyB"; their act sucked. They were thrown into the tar pit.

Kathy H said...

Dino No.1: "Did you hear about the Tyrannosaurus rex with hemophilia?
Dino No.2: "No."
Dino No.1: "He tried to cure himself with acupuncture."

boneguy said...

You think this is weird? Check out the brontosaurus pirouetting in a tutu.

Damon said...

"You're fired."

Anonymous said...

I call these two the "lounge lizards".

Jim Cavanaugh

smuck said...

"I named them Fred and Ginger. Fred Flintstone and Ginger... whatever... the hot chick from Gilligan's Island."

Anonymous said...

"They'll be here for a week, then the Natural History Museum, then putting on the Ritz."


---blw

Tim H said...

"This is why I became a paleontologist."

Anonymouse said...

"I wonder what one of these looks like with skin on."

Anonymouse said...

[Take 2...]

"I wonder what one of these looks like with skin on."

boneguy said...

Most amazing factoid: Their agents were Jewish.

JohnnyB said...

Seriously, Ross? Could you BE any more fired?

Shmuck said...

Ironically, Glenn forgot the quotes in "Ahh, minstrelosaurus. All that's left to add is the blackface" when transferring his waiting caption from Word after Al so graciously noted... well, you get the point.

Anonymouse said...

"I think we need a taller ladder."

Shelly said...

"Since this is the Creation Museum, we need to include some primitive people scolding, 'They shall become extinct since they seem SO gay.'"

Anonymous said...

"Come let's mix where Dinosaurs
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
In a show that really shits."

Anonymous said...

I call it Dance Dance Evolution, just to piss off the science-deniers.

Jim Cavanaugh

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bob Fossil said...

One more time:

"Is this where they're holding the 'Dancing with the 'Saurs' audition?"

"No, we're casting for the roles of Lizard Minelli and Dino Shore for our new musical 'Jew Wop, Jew Wop, Jew Wop!'"

- NOT Utellme

Anonymous said...

Those posts should have been deleted by the author.

Dr Sumguy said...

Megasorass and Lickalottapuss doing their 'Kill Something and Eat It' snap dance!

Dr Sumguy said...

Megasorass and Lickalottapuss doing their 'Kill Something and Eat It' snap dance!

Dr Sumguy said...

"We shoulda done the 'Lap Dance'!"

Anonymous said...

"Under phylogenetic taxonomy, dinosaurs are usually defined as the group consisting of "Triceratops, Neornithes [modern birds], their most recent common ancestor, and all descendants".[10] Stop me if you've heard this before. It has also been suggested that Dinosauria be defined with respect to the most recent common ancestor of Megalosaurus and Iguanodon, because these were two of the three genera cited by Richard Owen when he recognized the Dinosauria.[11] Both definitions result in the same set of animals being defined as dinosaurs: "Dinosauria = Ornithischia + Saurischia", encompassing theropods (mostly bipedal carnivores and birds), ankylosaurians (armored herbivorous quadrupeds), stegosaurians (plated herbivorous quadrupeds), ceratopsians (herbivorous quadrupeds with horns and frills), ornithopods (bipedal or quadrupedal herbivores including "duck-bills"), and, perhaps, sauropodomorphs (mostly large herbivorous quadrupeds with long necks and tails).
small bird with pale belly and breast and patterned wing and head stands on concrete
The common House Sparrow (Passer domesticus) is often used to represent modern birds in definitions of the group Dinosauria
That being said, what's with the fucking hats and canes?"

boneguy said...

Remember when you said what's the harm in having the exhibit sponsored by the Sammy Davis Jr. Foundation?

Kathy H said...

"I forget. What comes after The leg bone's connected to the knee bone. The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone.?"

Tim H said...

"The act was called Joe & Dator and, in their day, they killed."

Anonymouse said...

"Between their singing, their dancing, their comedy AND their murderous rampages, they were what we now call "A Quadruple Threat."

Kathy H said...

"I'll say one thing. These guys have a good press agent."

Anonymous said...

"C'mon, they're New York all the way. They'll take Port St. Lucie by storm, Digital Domain Park ain't never seen the like . . . of course, they'll still have a shitty season."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"No, Beeker, it's science. Fuck art."

Austin said...

The Aristocrats!

JohnnyB said...

Not a caption:
Al, I think you should move this contest to a Facebook group. Then people could "like" the good captions and give you some guidance. (explaining to you what the captions mean would still be an issue). Mrs. Al might be some support, but she married you so her judgement is suspect. To get you atarted, "Blackface" "Vaudeville is dead" and "Aristocrats" are just three examples of good ones this week.

smuck said...

"The dinosaurs here are upstaged."

Blonde said...

If you think this is somethin' you should see the timeline on their Facebook page!!!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Feathers? We're going to have to change the name to 'T. Rand'!"

Anonymous said...

Johnny B and al, here's a better suggestion. Get a room. Just get it out of your systems already.

Brucie said...

"I assume this is your way of telling me that you want to cuddle my junk."

Tim H said...

Not a caption:

I know I speak for "Tim H," and possibly, "Kathy H," and in a pinch, "Anonymouse," (not their real names -- just noms de caption) when I say that we have avoided Facebook like the plague. Or something. I -- we -- vote "no" on JohnnyB's thoughtful, yet not very amusing, suggestion. Now, you will have to excuse me, I have to tend to some nutty salmon on a wooden plank.

smuck said...

"Maybe we shouldn't store ladders and modular scaffolding so close to the exhibits."

Anonymous said...

What's next Johnny B? Instant reply rule for baseball? The umpire (al) is and must remain an integral part of the game.

Anonymous said...

What's next Johnny B? Instant replay rule for baseball? The umpire (al) is and must remain an integral part of the game.

Braad said...

"Oh, and then, Johnny B, I assume you'll have a carnitas al fuego burrito, wait twelve hours, and then do scooties on my great-grandma's white angora carpet. What is it with you?"

Anonymous said...

Johnny B., what it was like being born in Kenya?

Anonymous said...

"I see we finally got Aliosaurasinla and JohnnyB Rontosauras in synch."

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"Well, now we finally know what killed Vaudeville."

Anonymous said...

JohnnyB angry, JohnnyB mad
Give al the biggest lecture he's ever had
We want a brave man, we want a caveman
Johnny show us that you can really care for us.

Anonymous said...

Fusuisauri, you crazy bastard! How are you going to explain this?

Jim Cavanaugh

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Their style is reminiscent of the late Bob Fossil."

Dr Sumguy said...

"The're singing in the reign!"

boneguy said...

They were the opening act. A really big asteroid closed the show.

Dr Sumguy said...

"And we'll get 'Apple' to sponsor ... Dem bones, Dem bones, Dem 'Iphones'!"

Shuffle A. Long said...

"The show is called the JohnnyB is Back! revue."

"Which one is JohnnyB?"

"The short one with the female pelvis.

Anonymous said...

"I've had it with your saurcasm."

Anonymous said...

"Noooo, BIGGER!!!!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Is that a penis bone in your pants, or are you glad to see me?"

Anonymous said...

JohnnyB went yard.

Glenn said...

"Anorexia was big in the entertainment industry even then."

Richard H said...

"We've all had to step up our game since that fucking BODIES exhibition came to town"

Tim H said...

"This I believe more than the fact that the Mets are in first place and the Yankees are still winless."

Anonymous said...

Here at the American Museum of Natural History, we acknowledge the great impact Facebook has on our philanthropic endeavors. Historical accuracy aside, 1,300 "likes" in an hour tells me this display by our curator Jo B. is the shit.

Anonymous said...

(explaining to you what the captions mean would still be an issue). Amen.

Anonymousse said...

Re. Contest #328:

Personally, I thought "The joke's on her. I was wearing a condom." by Anonymous was by far the best anti-cap last week.

Trojan said...

Agree with the above

Anonymous said...

"I mean seriously, how could they fuckin' dance?!!"

Jim Cavanaugh

Steve_O said...

"You're fired."

Utellme said...

"The one on the left is Ben Vereen, star of Broadway's 'Pippin'."

"He looks so much younger in person."

Dino De Laurentiisaurus said...

Congratulations, Dr. Sheridan; Barney's Lap Band procedure was a success.

Rich Lather said...

Alt-Universe Hugh Jackman and Neil Patrick Harris are about to rumble!

Anonymous said...

"God is the curator."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"If variety had saved the dinosaurs, we wouldn't be here."

Glenn said...

"Open the door, get on the floor
Everybody walk the dinosaur"

smuck said...

"They died waiting for the results of the caption contest."

Dr Sumguy said...

"There Puttin' on the Rex!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"There're Puttin' on the Rex!"

Anonymous said...

"You think, therefore you're fired."

Kathy H said...

“I’ll give ‘em this, they’re synchronized.”

Utellme said...

"Is this the Dancing with the 'Saurs audition?"

"No, these are the Rex Factor tryouts."

Utellme said...

"Is this the Dancing with the 'Saurs audition?"

"No, this is Speed Carbon Dating. The one on the right already asked for my number. I don't know, do you think she's a Trannysaurus?"

Steve_O said...

"You are so fucking fired."

Anonymouse said...

"After standing here for over two weeks, these guys kinda grow on you. Now, where's the bathroom?"

Tim H said...

"Big hats, huh?"

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