Monday, March 26, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #328


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"..." (I mean, seriously, how could they fuckin' talk?!!) --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The expletive, the italics, the bold face, the two exclamation points...okay Steve, we get it: You're frustrated, angry, confused and maybe a little hurt by this odd little cartoon. What can we make of two headless bugs strolling down a city street? What could they be saying to each other and how would they say it? Why should we care? The questions haunted Steve until he could no longer stand it. Both JohnnyB and blw did something similar but Steve knew how to sell it.)

SECOND PLACE
Twin children of Peyton Mantis working on their 14-step drops. -- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Note to Steve: Asinine cartoons merit obsurd caps. Archie Manning, a so-so NFL quarterback some years ago, sired two boys--Payton and Eli-- who grew up to become two of the best QB's in the league. There are traces of insight here and the word play doesn't suck but this caption is utterly ridiculous because no QB would drop back 14 steps.)

THIRD PLACE

"I'm thinking we should have taken her to dinner before our threesome."-- Grandma (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice try but this is flawed. The female Praying Mantis does in fact bite off the male’s head, but it's business, not personal. She does it to assure the male’s movements become more vigorous as he delivers the goods. The sustenance is an added plus. Interestingly, the male engages the female with a courtship dance before she consents to sex. They don't do threeways, however, so the parallels to human behavior only go so far.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Headless Bugs Found Outside Tapas Bar ---Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to the classic NY Post Headline: "Headless Body Found in Topless Bar." Sort of works here.)



** Traffic noise. Faint, gentle pitter-patter of tiny insect feet on pavement. Behind large panes of glass, nearly inaudible chatter of diners in fine Italian eating establishment. **And . . . scene. --
Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice set up. A fair amount of effort went into this one, but where's the payoff? Point of order: Insects don't have feet and the eatery looks Spanish not Italian.)

"I was ridin' my grasshopper in a dyslexic posse when someone yelled, 'Let's head them off'." --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach but it references a previous cartoon that had a cowboy on a grasshopper. It's said that when dyslexic crooks burst into a bank they shout: “Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuckup!”

It took a lot of genetic engineering, but string beans that deliver themselves to market finally arrived today!-- Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But they look like bugs! And they come two at a time? Let me know when scientests find a way to get half-way decent caps to deliver themselves here.)

"That's the last time I go out to get some Skittles while wearing a hoodie." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few years back I was driving in Florida with a few folks including a women in her mid-80's. Traffic was slow. Two black teens were walking down the street--just walking. This promted the woman to say [closed window of course]: "Keep on walking...buddy, just keep on walking." That came to mind when the kid in Florida was killed recently. It's not the hoodie that did him in--you know that right?)

"I can see you haven't been getting any head either." --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Terrible. Just awful. Pointless and illogical. What's somewhat ironic is that the insect's head is removed as the result of a sex act. That's why this is also confusing. But the sexual reference gives it enough cred to be here amoung the top also-rans.)

What say we hit a head shop next?-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Less confusing but equally simplistic. Where I live just outside of L.A. headshops call themsleves "tobacco shops and have a few cigars next to the pipes and bongs. Everyone's happy this way.)

Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your head was a clip on --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A deep and pitiful reach to come up with a classic but it beats J.B.'s other lame entry this week: "Which one of us is talking?" If only there was some other way for other people to tell Johhny his caps suck.Perhaps a web-based platform where people could "like" or "unlike" something. If only.)

"The Cucina Cucina here is a chain." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to tell but this may be a nod to the classic: "The hours here are obsence." Six minutes after posting it smuck entered the seldom used: "Well, Obama did promise change." So the evidence points to this being the worst claissic ripoff we have ever had. Congrats.)

Even worse! She said I tasted like chicken! --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another reference to sexual canibalism [another great name for an alt-rock band, I say.] This assumes that a Preying Mantis would know what chicken tastes like. That's where it loses me. )

"No worries! We're Mets fans. We've survived plenty of doubleheader losses" --Mickey Mantis (JUDGE'S COMMENT: True, but they have the best opening day winning percentage of any team in MLB. This year they did it again. Welcome back old friends! )
Something something head. ---Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Lazy but completely understandable.)


Shit! Steve_O's right. They can't talk. So how do I fill the void in my life till next Monday?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So...he tapped this message out with his wings using morse code, I'm guessing. Fill the void by reading the 127* Anti-cap contests I have now judged . )

*Approximate number. Too lazy busy to check.


I'd say al judged us a little harshly this week. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's for your own good.)

202 comments:

1 – 200 of 202   Newer›   Newest»
Dr Sumguy said...

Projectile vomiting!

Dr Sumguy said...

Cerebrating 'Mike the Headless Chicken Day'.

Jess said...

Headless Bugs Found Outside Tapas Bar

Anonymous said...

"I don't know why it always makes the girls so damn hungry."

JohnnyB said...

Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your head was a clip on

Shelly said...

"I can see you haven't been getting any head either."

Anonymouse said...

Heads. You Lose!

Kathy H said...

"Pray tell, how did you lose your head?"

boneguy said...

If you don't mind, keel over to your right so I don't have to die in the gutter.

boneguy said...

What say we hit a head shop next?

boneguy said...

When you said let's go on a blind date, you weren't kidding.

Anonymous said...

"It's called Chicano or Casino or some fucking name like that."

Dr Sumguy said...

'And where would they beheading', or my 'Looking for someone to give them head' ... From a prior contest.

Tim H said...

"We may not have heads, but with four legs each, we'll beat everybody to the Springsteen concert."

Dr Sumguy said...

Submissive males go on a head trip.

Damon said...

Something something head.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah! That's right! We blind! Uh-huh."

Steve_O said...

"..." (I mean, seriously, how could they fuckin' talk?!!)

Richard H said...

"Mine said she was taking me to see The Hunger Games"

Richard H said...

"Actually, after all the build-up, I found it a bit of an anti-climax"

Anonymous said...

Shit! Steve_O's right. They can't talk. So how do I fill the void in my life till next Monday?

smuck said...

"That's the last time I go out to get some Skittles while wearing a hoodie."

boneguy said...

If I hear one more Mariachi Band playing "La Cucaracha" every time we leave, I'm gonna puke.

Damon said...

De-caption-tated.

Anonymous said...

"That's what you get for walking while green."

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, I like that Johnny Mantis. I mean, Mathis."

Tim H said...

"Yes, that Washington Irving sure weaved a spooking tale."

Anonymouse said...

"This summer? I dunno. I was thinking maybe Hilton Head."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Was it with Margaret DeCaprioni? ... Yes! ... I wonder if she keeps a head count?"

Shelly said...

"I was ridin' my grasshopper in a dyslexic posse when someone yelled, 'Let's head them off'."

Grandma said...

"I'm thinking we should have taken her to dinner before our threesome."

Pipps said...

"You could always remove it from your ass if you miss it so badly."

cubshlub said...

And you know the worst part? I never got my post-coital cigarette!

smuck said...

"The Cucina Cucina here is a chain."

smuck said...

"Well, Obama did promise change."

Anonymous said...

"Let the guy with the machete pass by qui

Anonymous said...

"We're fucked."

Jim Cavanaugh

Kathy H said...

"After all those years of playing with Head ® tennis racquets, I can finally use the term 'ironic' correctly."

Dr Sumguy said...

(Decaptioned sailors thinking) .. I've got to use the head!

Anonymous said...

"There's really nothing much to say anymore."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“I suppose it’s too late to say ‘I’m sorry’.”


---blw

Dex said...

Gesundheit!
Gesundheit!

Blonde said...

Katy did -Twice!!

Blonde said...

And you had to sit right next to the Benihana cook!

Dr Sumguy said...

Even worse! She said I tasted like chicken!

Blonde said...

Well- at least we left them wanting more-!

Anonymous said...

"If we're going to get a head in this life, we need to keep moving."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"No no no, it's shuffle ball change, airhead!"

Shaolin Temper said...

"I thought you were a Long Fist master?"

"I am, but those broads knew Wing Chun and that Monkey shit."

"Next time, let's get us some Karate bitches."

Mickey Mantis said...

"No worries! We're Mets fans. We've survived plenty of doubleheader losses"

They've Gotta Have It said...

"Lying bastard! He must've meant she was a PREYing Mantis."

"Yeah, 'Just give her head first.', he said."

"We've been hoodwinked!"

"Bamboozled!"

"Led astray!"

"Run amok!"

"Let's rent Malcolm X one more time."

"Nah. I like Crooklyn better."

"From now on, I choose the movies AND the brothels."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I want $25.00 for the rights to use "Hedda Hopper" in your caption.

Kaiser Lupowitz

Anonymous said...

"Dude, the answer to that question is always 'No'. No - your tiny head does not make your butt look big"

Dr Sumguy said...

Abstract ... Menage a trois ... A cure for migraine.

Anonymous said...

The joke's on her. I was wearing a condom.

David Macharelli said...

"Thanks to these turtlenecks, we get to be the first experienced mantis males ever."

Dr Sumguy said...

Menage a four play. ... Anybody seen Harry?

Glenn said...

"I don't care about being headless. I just hate not being able to smell that Italian food, without antennae."

boneguy said...

Why in the hell would anyone be trying to sell us
chocolate caskets
?

Utellme said...

** Traffic noise. Faint, gentle pitter-patter of tiny insect feet on pavement. Behind large panes of glass, nearly inaudible chatter of diners in fine Italian eating establishment. **

And . . . scene.

Tim H said...

These heads have been removed by the author.

Blonde said...

This is what comes of having a 3 some in the missionary position...

Anonymous said...

Newlyweds George Zimmerman and Casey Anthony out and about incognito.

Kaiser Lupowitz

Anonymous said...

"Ok, we voted for Santorum. Can we take 'em out of our asses now?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Blonde said...

So - The next time we go on a head trip I get to pick the restaurant right?

Dr Sumguy said...

Postcoital sexual cannibalism prayer followed by 'The Sign of the Cross' ... Vatch, Vallet, Spectacles, Testicles!

Dr Sumguy said...

"And when I asked for sex, she said she had an aching for heads!"

Anonymous said...

"We're not hoppers, we're choppers, baby."

Anonymous said...

“It’s just like the movie . . . ‘love means never having to say anything' . . . ever again.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“It’s just like the movie . . . ‘love means never having to say anything' . . . ever again.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Well, look, it hasn’t been easy for me, either.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Look who’s talking! I mean, just take a look at yourself!”


---left coast wayne

REX said...

"Don't worry. I know a place where we can get a little head."

Tim H said...

"I sense that we're still in the Cucina District."

NAMBY said...

"Sure, they'll fuck you on the first date, but then they bite your head off if you don't call...If you ever figure out women let me know!"

Anonymous said...

"Let's go grab some funnel cakes."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I swear the tee wasn't there when we fell asleep."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Let's go in here. At least we can hold the menu, and their 'Soup & Siphon' ain't bad!"

Anonymous said...

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are—Jayne & Mansfield.

Kaiser Lebowitz

KenL said...

I never believed Sister Evangeline would literally bite our heads off if we messed up the Lord's Prayer.

Anonymous said...

"My cousin, once removed, had his head once removed, but let's put that insect aside for now."

Tim Higgins said...

Rumor has it, they have the best chop salad in town.

Michelle Hatfield-Higgins said...

The restaurant guide says this place is head & shoulders above the rest.

Amy Holterman said...

Let's not loose our heads over this dinner decision.

Damon said...

"Worst Starbucks run, ever."

boneguy said...

I thought you knew the penalties around here are real stiff for insecst.

Anonymous said...

Twin children of Peyton Mantis working on their 14-step drops.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"We could stand on our heads if we could find them."

Anonymous said...

"Hey! Pray it, don't spray it."

Kaiser Lebowitz

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"It's not the headache that bugs me, it's the sore throat."

LV said...

"Must have been done by somebody who finds a tete offensive."

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, but think of the headline: Headless Praying Mantises Win World's Biggest Lottery!"

Anonymouse said...

"I got the Tim Tebow praying thing down pat, it's the kneeling down I have trouble with."

JohnnyB said...

Which one of us is talking?

JohnnyB said...

There is no prophet in this

JohnnyB said...

And then I called the President a government "nigg ... uh". What'd you do?

Anonymous said...

1st Praying Mantis: " . . . . . . . . . . . "
2nd Praying Mantis responds: " . . . . . . . . . "


---blw

Anonymous said...

The romanticide walk of shame.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"You're kidding. She cut off your tongue to spite your face?"

Steve_O said...

"Yeah, well why don't you look where you're going?"

Steve_O said...

"Mine was bitten off during a swim in the neighbor's pool too!"

Bro Man said...

"OK, who am I? 'Hey, let's get Mom a WeedEater for her birthday!'. You're an idiot."

G. SoreUs said...

"I agree. The Obamacare headache treatment is pretty effective."

Dr Sumguy said...

Hopscotch horrors!

Anonymous said...

"How do you take your coffee? Regular or decaffeinated?"

boneguy said...

I'd say al judged us a little harshly this week.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous sperm donors.

Anonymous said...

"That moron probably thinks Descartes is a senior citizen's van."

Glenn said...

"We're not true insects because we only have 4 legs. And no heads, duh."

"Well then what does 8 fingers make Homer Simpson?

"A cartoon."

Glenn said...

"We're not true insects because we only have 4 legs. And no heads, duh."

"Well then what does 8 fingers make Homer Simpson?

"A cartoon."

BORIS TALLSOFF said...

GOD JUST MANTIS TO BE TOGETHER ,DOUCHE

Taurus balzhoff said...

You mean you gave the nazi pope head, too. Wow!

Anonymuss said...

"Let's head off to the . . . . did you hear the one about the . . . have you ever seen a . . . how many licks does it take to get to the center of a . . . oh, never mind."

Anonymous said...

It took a lot of genetic engineering, but string beans that deliver themselves to market finally arrived today!

Tim H said...

Two Mets prospects checking out the Port St. Lucie scene one last time.

price per head said...

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