Monday, March 19, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #327




WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"Your massive decorative sculpture is a way of overcompensating for your small diving board. Your disappointingly small, flaccid diving board." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Granted, diving boards are not commonly viewed as phallic symbols, but that's not the point. The woman's disappointment has festered into bitterness and derision. She hates this man yet she remains at his side. A reminder that if you have a nice house with a pool you can attract women who would otherwise be disgusted by you. Of course, the real culprit here is a lazy cartoonist.)

SECOND PLACE
"I love you, Brad, but I need drama in my life." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests it is the woman's house. She has hooked up with a new guy, but her old boyfriend is still invited over to use the pool. This creates tension because the old boyfriend is a huge dude with anger issues and lots of tattoos -- and yes he hates Brad. Not a funny cap but this makes a statement about pampered people living uneventful lives.)

THIRD PLACE
"I told you already, I'm not sleeping with the pool boy. My cigarette lighter must've singed my twat hair." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is dumb, tasteless and -- worse -- confusing. Why would this woman allow a fire breathing dragon to perform oral sex on her? [All obvious jokes aside, that's really a foolish thing to do.] And how in the world did she singe her downstairs carpet with a cigarette lighter? A lot of clutter here, but it marks the first ever use of the word "twat" in this contest. So there's that.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Have you ever seen a dragon fly...or swallow something?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: During a celebrity roast on TV many years ago, I recall pretend drunk Foster Brooks saying that Dean Martin was "the man who made Lucille Ball...and she has been smiling ever since." I got the joke and I was only like 10 at the time. It was obvious that I would one day become an Anti-Cap judge.)



"Move dear. It's time for Norbert to heat the pool!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of only a handful of caps that suggest the dragon in the pool has a practical purpose. The name "Norbert" softens the dragon a bit.)

Okay, so you were born with a snake in both your fists - what happened to the other one?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Freedom, just around the corner for you. But with truth so far off, what good will it do?" This doesn't really fit the image but it is a line from the Dylan song "Jokerman." I would tell Johnny his caps suck but what good would THAT do?)

Be careful. My last boyfriend got drunk and literally tried to Enter the Dragon. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two minutes after posting this gem bone came back with this: "Not exactly what I had in mind when you asked me over to the chase the dragon." You can just see him sitting there thinking "Dragon, Dragon...what the fuck can I say about a Dragon?" With that he downs another shot of gin, takes a hit from his pipe and comes up with two of the worst caps he has ever submitted.)

"The pool hours here are dragonian." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We love the classics here, but perhaps the word you are looking for is "draconian." According to the first thing that popped on Google, "dragonian" is "a member of an advanced race of dragon-like people, who live and thrive on planet Drago." So this is either really creative or just lazy.)

"Feels scaley, you crazy bather. How are you?" --Tootsie (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A huge reach but one would assume that a dragon would be scaley. And swimmers are seldom called bathers anymore.)

"A dragon? Yeah, right. Next thing you'll want me to believe that Cheney already had a heart."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very topical. Vice did in fact have a new ticker installed which, not surprisingly, set off an avalanche of jokes about him being a heartless, ruthless, treacherous, piece-of-shit chicken-hawk, scumbag, war criminal with no honor or decency --and certainly no right to a new heart. It was all in good fun, of course. Get well soon Dick, so you may live out the rest of your life as a cautionary tale.)

"As the years rolled by, my visits to Jackie Paper became increasing depressing." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But why? The kid grew up to have a hot wife, a nice house and a pool...all the trappings. This assumes that Puff and Jackie stayed in touch. The song suggests they did not.)

Jackie, I thought we agreed that Puff would stay in Honnalee. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And this one assumes that the wife is whining about Jack's old friend coming to visit. Happens all the time.)

"Isn't it nice, dear, to have Cecil home for the holidays?" --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This reminds us that some Dragons are loveable. Still, we wonder if they would be so welcoming if their beloved dragon was a nobody, like the one who frolicked with Jack.)

"Honey, do you know what ever became of Danny the Dragon from the 1960's Bronx amusement park, Freedomland?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy struck a cord with this one. While I have no recolection of a Dragon-themed ride, I recall my dad once loaded us all into the station wagon and took us to Freedomland in the Bronx. [When you live in Brooklyn, that's like going to Beijing.] It was the only time we went and, even years later he would still complain about high-prices, long lines and a parking lot that he would repeatedly describe as "a God damn joke." )

"Danny landed on his feet in San Jose, CA and got an extreme makeover" --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kathy asked a question and boneguy retrived an answer.)

"Ha, it just peed in the pool!" - Some Caption Guy. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Who appointed her pool piss police? Mrs. alinla says as a child she was frequently reminded that "tattlers get their own!" In contrast, I grew up in a large family where "telling" on each other was encouraged and rewarded.)

"You're fucked, therefore you am." --Anonymous This caption suggests a complex universe in which dragons cross the boundary of realms, from imaginary to very real. The fact that the dragon not only is capable of urination, but the he actually has done so seems to reflect a modern take on ancient Japanese writing forms; the direct lineage of Murasaki Shibiku is present here. Of course I realize I could be over thinking this. - Fake Al In LA. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "Fake Al In LA" is redundant [as is "very real"], but the faux comment pokes fun at my assessment of the previous week's winner. I for one never heard of the Japanese dude you mention. It sounds like a motorcycle to me. And only hack writers use phrases like "the fact that." So you manage to simultaneously mock and flatter me while revealing your own inadequacies. My actual comment on your cap is not nearly as highfalutin, but here goes: A nod to the previous week's winner but this is dumb and confusing. If it said "You're fucked, therefore so am I." it would lose its edge, but it would be a more realistic assessment of their situation... I am not playing to the crowd here, my friend, I just call them as I see them--once I get around to seeing them.)

Hey Al
re: Why would the doctor admit this to his patient? - he isn't talking to his patient. The caption has no quotation marks.-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Glenn entered a cap this week to clear up the intent of a cap he entered the previous week and challenge my comment, which he clearly believes was not consistent with his cap and therefore inappropriate. Noted.)

97 comments:

Jess said...

"I'm confused. Why does you ex-wife still live here?"

Austin said...

Just because its crap is buoyant doesn't mean you have to play captain on it.

Anonymouse said...

"Did you say 'draggin' ass' or 'dragon ass'?"

Kathy H said...

"Look. It's got a nice pool, great schools, convenient to downtown. So what if there's a freakin' dragon thrown in?"

boneguy said...

It's your turn to take her for a walk.

Tim H said...

"He just said that he'd knee-cap me if I didn't pay up. I think he's a dragoon."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Move dear. It's time for Norbert to heat the pool!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Did you buy 'Red Eric' from that guy?"

JohnnyB said...

Jackie, I thought we agreed that Puff would stay in Honnalee.

JohnnyB said...

I thought you said he disappeared by a tree near a lake.


Okay, so you were born with a snake in both your fists - what happened to the other one?


Fine, it's the face of God, but I don't see the "eyes of obsidian".

I think it's going to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle 'til it vomits fire.

Anonymous said...

"Have you ever seen a dragon fly...or swallow something?"

Steve_O said...

"Why, yes- I do have a big serpentine monster that rears its ugly head when you least expect it. Oh wait, did you mean the dragon?"

boneguy said...

We should have another child. She's hungry.

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is the third viking ship this week! ... Where are the whoresmen?"

Anonymous said...

"You know how it says 7ft. in the deep end. That's total bullshit."

boneguy said...

What do you mean, "What virtual reality sunglasses?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Well! ... This is the 'Year of the Dragon'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"When's the last time we chlorinated the pool?"

Anonymouse said...

"I got an idea. Why don't you tell him his NCAA bracket bit the big one?"

Damon said...

"The chlorine is strong enough for a man, yes. But the dragon is pH-balanced just for me."

Damon said...

"We usually don't have Asians over, so this is nice!" Whispering: "Harold, where's the cat?"

Glenn said...

"Yes, I might know exactly why the water just turned bright yellow."

Damon said...

"I told you already, I'm not sleeping with the pool boy. My cigarette lighter must've singed my twat hair."

Kathy H said...

Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent, all growed up.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Dear. ... When he starts eating you, can I watch? (2nd attempt)

Tim H said...

"How many times do I have to tell you?? The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that's true! Sheesh!"

Satireguy said...

"Isn't it nice, dear, to have Cecil home for the holidays?"

Blonde said...

Bob always looks so self-satisfied whenever he unleashes his Kraken!!!

Blonde said...

- Artist Rendering of the Community Pool Area at the lovely and exclusive Loch Ness Estates-

boneguy said...

It's time to lay off the "Mutant of the Month Club", Bob.

Blonde said...

Glen's one lucky SOB. He's finally learned how to to drain his dragon without having to get off that rubber raft...

Dr Sumguy said...

"Nessie? ... She's a 'Geek of Nature'!"

Anonymous said...

"I'm feeling like Chinese tonight."

Satireguy said...

"This isn't exactly what I had in mind when you suggested a threesome."

Dex said...

Draggin'? Been a tough week, damn right I'm draggin'!

KenL said...

Honestly George, I'd feel more secure if you were more like your namesake Saint than that Curious monkey

Steve_O said...

"He wants to see your tits."

Anonymous said...

He's a flamer alright, but you can't get aids from the water.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"I asked for 'Dragon Voice', not 'Dragon Joyce"!"

Dr Sumguy said...

STUCK ... " Midway in reproduction, his balls got caught in the pool suction!"

boneguy said...

News flash. You're not the only cold blooded fuck in the pool.

Anonymouse said...

"So I told RuPaul, 'I said dragon, not in drag.'"

Anonymous said...

"Oh, it wasn't [dragon appears in pool] THAT Zimmerman."

Glenn said...

Hey Al
re: Why would the doctor admit this to his patient? - he isn't talking to his patient. The caption has no quotation marks.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I Wants'ed some black 'Betsy Wetsy' wid ha' own plastic tub, and instead he gots de giant pool dragon. Right On!"

Utellme said...

"It's the new Al Jolson At-Home Swimming Pool Artificial Suntan Machine. Just put on your sunglasses honey and I'll press the button."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"Don't worry, it's safe. I already used it on Timmy. How do you think he got the starring role in that new Lifetime movie, 'Gary Coleman: 4 Feet of Despair'?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Don't look now, but your shallow end is near."

David Macharelli said...

"As the years rolled by, my visits to Jackie Paper became increasing depressing."

smuck said...

"Your massive decorative sculpture is a way of overcompensating for your small diving board. Your disappointingly small, flaccid diving board."

Kathy H said...

"Honey, do you know what ever became of Danny the Dragon from the 1960's Bronx amusement park, Freedomland?"

boneguy said...

"Danny landed on his feet in San Jose, CA and got an extreme makeover"

Satireguy said...

"When you said your old college roommate was visiting, I didn't have this in mind."

JohnnyB said...

Whatever happened to that crazy octopus we had in there?

Tim H said...

"I think it's time we told him he's adopted."

Anonymous said...

"You're fucked, therefore you am."

Anonymous said...

"James Carville is violating the restraining order again."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Either the Chinese New Year Parade made a wrong turn or you're screwed."


---blw

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Did you rear its ugly head, Ted, or did its ugly head rear you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Well, the fortune cookie did read. ... 'Hoping one's gay son would become a dragon'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So we ignored that pool turd from 'Caddyshack', and look what we got!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"

KenL said...

Banana Flambé coming right up.

boneguy said...

Be careful. My last boyfriend got drunk and literally tried to Enter the Dragon.

boneguy said...

Not exactly what I had in mind when you asked me over to the chase the dragon.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Reminds me of 'Hot Tub Time Machine'! ... Are my BMW keys stuck up that dog's butt again?"

Tootsie said...

"Feels scaley, you crazy bather. How are you?"

Cook from Bonanza, Li Po said...

"You got dlips on dlagon!"

Anonymous said...

"Can we have Japanese instead?"

Anonymous said...

"Ha, it just peed in the pool!" - Some Caption Guy.

This caption suggests a complex universe in which dragons cross the boundary of realms, from imaginary to very real. The fact that the dragon not only is capable of urination, but the he actually has done so seems to reflect a modern take on ancient Japanese writing forms; the direct lineage of Murasaki Shibiku is present here. Of course I realize I could be over thinking this. - Fake Al In LA.

Anonymous said...

"What's the matter, honey? Forget to drain your lizard before you got in?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"I think we're going to have to fire the pool guy."

Anonymous said...

"Do what he says, honey, and get the re-moat."

cubshlub said...

Howard this is rich! Do you know how you just said "how sharper than a serpent's tooth"?

Keith Glidewell said...

"I told you to ignore him. I knew that feeding Newt's ego was a bad idea."

Keith Glidewell said...

"Now I wish I'd paid more attention to the warning label on that bacon-scented sunscreen."

Anonymous said...

"The pool hours here are dragonian."

Anonymous said...

"A dragon? Yeah, right. Next thing you'll want me to believe that Cheney already had a heart."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"This beats getting your head chewed off at work."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"That's exactly how the kids feel about adult swim."

REX said...

"Took me two hours to inflate the fucking thing and now the kids won't even play with it!"

Anonymous said...

"Eight ball in the corner pocket."

Anonymous said...

"If you're so worried about inflation, dear, I'll call Bernanke for you. Did I mention I'm his call girl?"

Gretchen said...

"I'm telling you, Hon', it's not a Baby Ruth. It's a deuce, and it looks strikingly familiar to that missing Paper boy from our milk carton."

Anonymous said...

"Pooping in the pool is the only way you'll get him to leave."

Anonymouse said...

"He said he's a registered Republican and that he's running for President of the United States."

Anonymous said...

"I love you, Brad, but I need drama in my life."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Dear, is cavorting with dragons considered a 'Dangerous Activity Exclusion' on your life insurance policy?"

Wade in the Water said...

"I thought you said you slayed the dragon?"

"I thought you said you laid the dragon?"

"I did."

"Oh, so I'm supposed to want his sloppy seconds?"

Made in Hong Kong said...

"I got him at Wal*Mart to fire up the barbeque."

"What does he eat?"

"Well . . . that might be a problem."

Made in Schlong Kong said...

"I got him at Wal*Mart to fire up the barbeque."

"What does he eat?"

"Besides pussy?"

Dragon and On and On said...

"He's got really short legs, but the rest of him? CowaBUNGA!"

Wade in the Water said...

"I blew it up myself."

(dead silence)

"What?"

Anonymous said...

“When consumables are ideally positioned, I say pounce.”

Anonymouse said...

"I'm teaching him how to swim. First lesson: The Draggie Paddle."

price per head call center said...

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