Monday, March 12, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #326





WINNERS



FIRST PLACE "I ink, therefore I am." --Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works if you assume the patient on the couch suffers from self esteem issues and is now having some type of break through. As it happens, an octipus spews ink to elude predators who are fooled into thinking their prey has disapeared. So, in essense he "inks" to convince others he does not exist. In doing so, he survives and endures. Bottom line: this cap may not be as trite and obvious as it first appears. Of course I realize I may be over thinking this.)

SECOND PLACE
"...and don't get me started on the price of ink cartridges..." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Again with the ink. This makes no sense because the octopus can produce its own ink. Humans can not. I have an Epson printer that cost like $50. A set of ink cartridges costs a small fortune--and if one of the colors runs out it won't even let you print a black & white doc. Yes, that's how ruthless these bastards are and that's why this hit home.)

THIRD PLACE
"That's right, doc. I have undistended tentacles. I'm part of the "Freaks of the Pacific" show at Sea World; the only hermaphrodite discovered on the ocean floor. Tourists drink Tequila shots from my suction cups. It's a living." --Gene Gene the Dancing Machine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would he prefer to be chopped up, cooked with tomato sauce and served over liguine? The signature is a nod to the old Gong Show. Some where the Unknown Comic is smiling.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Do you know how close I was to being chosen the UC Santa Cruz mascot? --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT:What would they have called the teams? The Octopuses? [And calling the women's teams Lady Octopuses would be even more awkward, no?] This offers modest humor value if you know the Bay area school's actual mascot is the Bananna Slug. )

"Depressed! ... You have no idea! ... You try being a gay cephalopod, missing two arms, no exoskeleton, having a one week life expectancy after laying 200,000 eggs, and will never be able to use the 800,000 airline miles accumulated on AirOcto!" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works better if you imagine Woody Allen's agnst-ridden voice ranting on. How he racked up so many frequent flyer miles in a week remains a mystery.)This couch is very uncomfortable. And I can't breathe. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Speaking of laying eggs...Johnny checks in. If you can't be funny, be litteral--this is what we have learned from our prerenial runner-up and future Anti-Cap hall of famer.)

... then she said, "Don't go to a shrink - we need the calamari," and I said, "Bitch, I think I'm an octopus, not a squid."--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The slight wiff of humor here comes from an old joke involving someone who thinks he's a cow. He's discouraged from getting help because the family needs the milk. Johnny's bastardization of this gag flopped because the resource being exploited--octopus meat-- is not sustainable the way milk is. If only he had went with "ink" instead of "calimari," this would be on the leader board. If only. In other words: Once again Johnny screws up. )

"My family was wiped out by Red Wings fans. The horror of seeing them strewn on the ice to cheers." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice use of applied knowledge in the service of an absurd cap. Detroit hockey fans have been know to toss octopus on the ice. It is a gross and pointless excercise, but then again so is this contest.)

"Alls I'm saying is that I'm pretty good at picking the Elite Eight." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So, because he has eight arms he is qualified to pick NCAA tournamant winners? Really?Another painful sports related cap, this includes a link that explains what Elite Eight means [Hint: It involves eight teams that advanced from the Sweet 16.]. Kathy assumes we didn't know--that's what really hurts. )

"What are you saying, Doc? I need to get some octopussy?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a batch of caps that evolke the 1983 James Bond film "Octopussy." When it was released, some complained that the title was simply crude word play that demeaned women. When pressed to explain why, they were left to say "You know why!" It was awkward for everyone.)

"Yes, I had that dream again about Maud Adams."-- Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You don't find many leggy supper models named Maud, but the link confirms she is the hot swedish actress---now 67-- who was Octopussy. She is also the only Bond Girl to appear in three films (The Man with the Golden Gun in '74; and in '85 as an extra in A View to a Kill.) You wonder if now, nearly 30 years after the fact, she brags to people that she was the original Octopussy.)

"Doctor, No, I did not want her to Die. Another Day without Octopussy and I'd have gone mad! I warned her, Never Say Never Again. Does that not give me License to Kill? "-- Diners Club Gold Member (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Bond franchise includes more than 20 films, but the ones with Sean Connery are the only ones worth watching. I started to concoct a comment that used several Bond titles but figured, why bother?)

"No Dr. Bond, I expect you to diagnose my schizophrenia." --Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic twisted is still a classic. Extra credit: this has nothing to do with Octopussy.)

If Big Pharma was going to ply the good doctor with samples, perks, and "educational" training, he'd be damned if he was going to be selective with his patients and prescriptions. --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This narrative cap gets an "A" for effort but does not really have much going for it. Why would the doctor admit this to his patient? And the prefered term is "drug companies." [Only clueless bloggers call the industry "Big Pharma."] Once again I beg you people to think becore posting.)

"An old friend called and said, 'Scungilli you crazy bastard, how are you?' and I'm like, 'Crazy? That's what you think of me?' So I made an appointment to see you doc." --NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tourtured classic that reminds us that "crazy" is very overused. Expect the shrink to say "You're not crazy. You suffer from mental illness. Go to: alinla.blogspot.com and post something really dumb--you'll feel better.")

101 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"Depressed! ... You have no idea! ... You try being a gay cephalopod, missing two arms, no exoskeleton, having a one week life expectancy after laying 200,000 eggs, and will never be able to use the 800,000 airline miles accumulated on AirOcto!"

JohnnyB said...

I said, "I've got eight arms to hold you," and she told me to get help.

JohnnyB said...

This couch is very uncomfortable. And I can't breathe.

Glenn said...

"My family was wiped out by Red Wings fans. The horror of seeing them strewn on the ice to cheers."

Kathy H said...

"Alls I'm saying is that I'm pretty good at picking the Elite Eight."

Anonymous said...

"She left me for a giant squid who had a giant...well, you know."

Tim H said...

"...and don't get me started on the price of ink cartridges..."

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, I had that dream again about Maud Adams."

Depressed retired dry cleaner said...

"And I was a Feng Shui 8, and now I'm a 6!"

BLONDE said...

"So Doc - what's all this talk about Octupi Wall Street??"

Blonde said...

"Well Dr. Hartley, to begin with, I have an inordinate fear of frying."

Kathy H said...

"Here's the problem, Doc. My girlfriend likes hanging out at the snazzy Monterey Bay Aquarium, while I go for the grittiness of the New York Aquarium in Coney Island."

Ken L said...

Don't worry about your stupid old sofa. My ink doesn't leak out.
No, Dad, even if I am well-suited to it, I'm not interested in assembly line work.
I wish I had enough hair to do a comb-over.
I'm sure your daughter meant to say she didn't like the feel of my tenticles

Anonymous said...

"I need kelp really bad."

Tim H said...

"Yeah, I once tried that Primal Scream therapy. It scared the ink out of me!"

JohnnyB said...

... then she said, "Don't go to a shrink - we need the calamari," and I said, "Bitch, I think I'm an octopus, not a squid."

Satireguy said...

"When I was young, the other octopi would tease me and call me a sextapus."

Anonymouse said...

“It all started when I was in grade school and all the kids would tease me and call my mother Octomom.”

Dr Sumguy said...

"COCKLAPHOBIA"!!! ... "I like it!"

William said...

"If I wasn't fucking nuts before getting here, your ugly piece of shit lounger just through me over the edge. Doc, you're a dick!"

Anonymous said...

Through?

boneguy said...

So I started thinking, "If that bitch Ariel can give it whirl on dry land, why not me?"

boneguy said...

I know I look familiar but that was my cousin who popped out through
John Hurt's sternum

Kathy H said...

"So I said, 'Look, Ringo, you can take some tomatoes and cabbages, but leave me some zucchinis, why dontcha?'"

Tim H said...

"You think I'm crazy. Have you ever seen a Nutty Salmon?"

Damon said...

"I feel empty inside, like...I don't know how to describe it. Okay - pretend someone drew a cartoon of this session and missed the obvious humor of showing you holding a Rorschach inkblot. Like that."

Never Gets Old said...

"Alright already, Doc. You win! My Grandpa worked for Gorton's and, yes, he used to rape me."

Damon said...

"I've hit a wall, doc. And now I'm just slowly falling down it."

boneguy said...

What do you mean you don't prescribe Rogaine? What kind of doctor are you?!!

Anonymouse said...

"I'm just saying. I would have thought that having degrees from Johns Hopkins and the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution would make you more attuned to the particular psychological problems haunting octopuses."

Anonymous said...

I hate being considered cerebral just because I have a big head. I have no cerebrum!!!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Doc! ... Do you have a crepper? ... I'd feel a lot less vulnerable UNDER the couch!"

Blonde said...

So then she said, "Jules, you're just a spineless, suck-up and spit ink in my face....!"

Dex said...

"I ink, therefore I am."

Eric G said...

I'm glad you finally took me in. There are no good Jewish doctors in my reef.

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is very personnel Doc! ... Captioners look away! ... A hard beak and oral sex ... well you know ...At least I had a prenup!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"He said the lure of my charms, left marks on his arms ... So he left me!"

Glenn said...

"I didn't mean 'I can't go on' figuratively. I meant that if you don't get me into water, I'll be dead in minutes."

Kathy H said...

"I was feeling OK this week until that stupid Bachelor Ben gave that two-faced bitch Courtney the Final Rose. Oh, I hate them both!"

Anonymous said...

"Sorry about the ink and slime all over your couch, dude."

boneguy said...

As hard as I try, I have failed to grasp the concept of boneless chicken.

Blonde said...

No worries Doc- cuz if my juggling career falls flat, I've always got that backup gig with FOX as their political prognosticator..

Tim H said...

"Next week, you play the octopus and I'll play the psychiatrist."

Blonode said...

"Well- in answer to your question: Captain Nemo, Long John Silver and Bubba Gump and NOT particularly in that order...."

smuck said...

"No, it's not a sexual phobia. I have a fear of seamen."

Glenn said...

If Big Pharma was going to ply the good doctor with samples, perks, and "educational" training, he'd be damned if he was going to be selective with his patients and prescriptions.

boneguy said...

As an aside, the Little Mermaid ain't so little, if you know what I mean.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"My head is humongous and the rest of me sucks. Otherwise, I'm fine."

Diners Club Gold Member said...

"Doctor, No, I did not want her to Die. Another Day without Octopussy and I'd have gone mad! I warned her, Never Say Never Again. Does that not give me License to Kill? "

Dr Sumguy said...

"they say I have 3 hearts, but I have no idea where they are!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"They also say I have 9 brains scattered thru out my testicles er ah tentacles ... Interesting ...........!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"My detractors describe me as a water bag with a siphon! ... They stopped laughing during the gas crisis of 73!"

Gene Gene the Dancing Machine said...

"That's right, doc. I have undistended tentacles. I'm part of the "Freaks of the Pacific" show at Sea World; the only hermaphrodite discovered on the ocean floor. Tourists drink Tequila shots from my suction cups. It's a living."

Utellme said...

"Oh, she's cheating, alright. I pull up in the driveway and see fresh squidmarks in front of the house with smoke still rising from 'em."

March/Octopus Romance said...

She won't let me squirt ink in her face let alone swallow any.

Anonymous said...

"My wife says I'm a sourpuss."

Anonymous said...

"I'll be quick, Doc . . . I know you have a 1:30 with Jabba the Hut."


---left coast wayne

Satireguy said...

"I'm a freak, I tell you. With only six tentacles, all the other octopi make fun of me."

There for a Reason said...

"Together, we'd make a great enemy for Spider-Man. Get it? Doc Octopus. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I still got it!! Woop, dive. Woop, dive."

Kathy H said...

"Doc, do I have the mental toughness to coach the Knicks? Or am I just Linsane?"

Ken L said...

Guys are so shallow: I have about 400 cups, all size A. I'd trade them all for a couple of double Ds.

Anonymouse said...

"Is that even a real diagnosis, March Madness?"

Anonymous said...

"What are you saying, Doc? I need to get some octopussy?"

Glenn said...

"Fuck the tsunami victims. We should have made sushi out of them!

boneguy said...

Do you know a Jules Verne? I have a score to settle.

NAMBY said...

"An old friend called and said, 'Scungilli you crazy bastard, how are you?' and I'm like, 'Crazy? That's what you think of me?' So I made an appointment to see you doc."

Satireguy said...

"Sorry about the ink stains, doc."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Seinfeld had the 'Hello Kiss"! Cephalopods have the 'Hello Hug'! ... Last time it took 3 weeks to seperate Dick from Dickie!"

Dr Sumguy said...

" Lost 2 of my arms after having bizarre sex with Milo the Cuttlefish! ... Hence the stage name! ... 'Venus De Milo Arms'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"My ink sac is obstructed! ... You might say I have writers block!"

Anonymous said...

"Have you ever been sued for malapropism, Doctor?"

Anonymous said...

"I've got eight legs and still they all want head? Well, dig the size of it, Doc . . ."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“It’s all about the couch with you, isn’t it, Doc?”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“You want to talk about my background? Well, my family has a very impressive coat of arms.”



---blw

Anonymous said...

“Hey, Doc, does anybody ever get better on a couch like this???”


---left coast wayne

Steve_O said...

"Who the fuck picks out your furniture?"

boneguy said...

Oh, I thought you said come over and
sit on my comfortable conch.

Dr Sumguy said...

"You realize Victor Roberts M.D.! ... I'm not really here! ... I'm just your perverse fantasy!"

Jess said...

"No Dr. Bond, I expect you to diagnose my schizophrenia."

Glenn said...

"That must have been really traumatic?" Bullshit. It wasn't traumatic. I'm a fucking octopus!

Anonymous said...

"Comb over closer so I can hear you."

Shelly said...

"One thing I don't want to hear from a shrink- 'We're wrapped up here.' That's how I found my wife in the freezer at Whole Foods."

David Macharelli said...

"This couch is pretty tacky."

REX said...

"I have attachment issues."

Anonymous said...

"The Thalidomide seems to be working."

Anonymous said...

I'd like to be under the sea.

Jim Cavanaugh

You Octo be in Pictures said...

"Pull my tentacle."

And You Think YOU'VE Got Problems! said...

"I haven't heard from the kids since they moved to taht island of trash twice the size of Texas 3 years ago. Did I mention the wife was asphyxiated by a plastic grocery bag from Ralph's?"

And You Think YOU'VE Got Problems! said...

CORRECTION: "that"

This Couch is Octopi-d said...

"you're bipedal, I'm bi-polar, let's call the whole thing off!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm sure the 'squirt gun' therapy works! ... It certainly helped Aunt Baby's skin condition. ... I'm worried about the follow-up under water visit!"

Anonymous said...

"Endangered? Are you kidding? There's a sucker born every minute."

Angry Talosian said...

"I played a Talosian in "The Cage", and after that I was so typecast that I had to juggle for food. Fuck juggling and fuck you!!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Everything turned to shit after using the 'Ban Roll-On'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I had to stow two of my tentacles in cargo ... Not enough arm rests she said! ... I'll never fly 'Sucking Air' again!"

boneguy said...

Do you know how close I was to being chosen the UC Santa Cruz mascot?

Anonymous said...

"Do you have any dentil floss?"

Steve_O said...

"...and then about 10 seconds into it, I get excited and squirt ink all over her leg. Can you help me, Doc?"

Anonymouse said...

"Name's Al. I changed coasts. Oh, and I'm an octopus now."

price per head said...

I really appreciate it, I visit more often for updates, keep up the great work!

price per head call center said...

This is very great thing you have shared with us. Now I found enough resources by your tips about this issue, Thank you.

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.