Sunday, March 4, 2012

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #325


















WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"It must be Palm Sunday." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get it? They all beat off and now they have a big grin. It came as no surprise that many anti-cappers interpreted the smiles as the byproduct of a sex act. This one says it was self inflicted. Confusing, simplistic, slightly provocative, totally tasteless...all the elements. Best of all: Many won't get this, but I did! Extra credit: It evokes a religious rite related to Easter. Anti Capper bliss.)


SECOND PLACEDamn you, Disney! --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why so condescending, bone? For decades the good folks at Disney have turned frowns into forced smiles. Check the price of their stock, it's a business formula that works.)

THIRD PLACE"Easter Island Pez." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They do look like industrial strength pez dispensers. Probably some kind special collector's set like Stars Wars or Harry Potter.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS"Looks like we're standing right above a colony of tunnel-dwelling Amazon nymphomaniacs- get the shovel!" --Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wishful thinking and highly imaginative. Many men remain convinced that there exists a thriving underground of horny sluts with minimal standards and poor eye sight. They wait to be unearthed by sad sack losers who can't get any. [How I know this is not important.] This is also a reminder to those under 30 that "Amazon" has other meanings.)

All I thaid wath “your pithe helmet ith thtupendouth” --cubshlub (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sounds like he has rocks in his mouth. Proof that even sedentary objects chiseled it stone will mock someone's speech impediment.)
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."---Michael Pritchard (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Touching but woefully inaccurate. You grow old no mater how often you laugh. It's not negotiable. This is more fortune cookie propaganda than anti cap drivel. Nothing like this ever again, okay?)
Living stone, I presume?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim likes obvious puns and simplistic ideas. That's why he is so at home among us.)
"Unlike their counterparts at Easter Island, the figures of Fellatio Island beam with the eternal optimism of afterglow." --David Macharelli (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we have a cap that equates smiling faces to sexual satisfaction. Even so, afterglow has nothing to do with optimism.)
Empirical proof my dear boy that when you've, "seen one, you have indeed seen them all..." --BLONDE (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This may be a dick reference from a jaded women [or gay man]. If not, how else to explain it? )
"The plaque here says: The name Easter Island was given by the island's first recorded European visitor, the Dutch explorer Jacob "Turn That Frown Upside-Down" Roggeveen, who encountered it on Easter Sunday 1722." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The take away: Those who were sad when Jesus was crucified where happy when he came back to life. This I learned from Catholic school. [Which is why I want to make clear that I am observing the resurrection, not mocking it.] One minor point: No plaque is evident in this image.)
"Moai? I wanted to see Maui, you id... Hey, shut up, it's not funny!" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: "It's not funny" could aptly describe any of Glenn's caps but this is good use of "Maui" as an obscure pun.)
"Fossil weenie, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic but it's no surprise that the author withheld his or her name because it's really awful.)
Five Smileys, you crazy bastard! How are you gonna explain this?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just as bad but not quite as imaginative. )
'I'm having a hard time coming up with something igneous to say''My sediments exactly'Quit taking me for graniteI'm feeling boulder lately he said in a gravelly voice(heres hoping Al likes my expossed aggregate of captions) --Stone Cold Jaime Sommers (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Remember the film Red Dragon (a prequel to Silence of the Lambs)? Remember Ralph Fiennes' line to Philip Seymour Hoffman right before he glued him to wheelchair, set him on fire and pushed him down a steep hill into busy traffic? "It is in your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble." Granted it's a bit of a reach but this cap reminded me of that.)



“’And that smile’s so hard to resist; they smile to your face, but behind your back they hiss’ . . . I’d say these were left here by Infidels.” -----A Sweetheart Like You (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty good Dylan reference. You could be known as the most beautiful anti-capper to ever crawl across cut glass to make a deal...)
How’d ya like to spend Easter on Easter Island? How’d ya like to spend the holy day away with this rock guy? How’d ya like to spend Easter on Easter Island? How’d ya like to bite the head off a chocolate coconut Moai? --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty amazing Dylan reference. Bob's remarkable holiday collection from a few years back,"Christmas in the Heart" includes a little ditty about celebrating the holiday in Hawaii, "Christmas Island." Johnny's deep and prolonged slump is now officially over--unless of course he didn't realize he was conjuring Dylan.)
"Until they, too, got their backsides plundered and suffered horrible ends,(....something unfunny a 50s reference something even less funny...)Rock Hut, son." --Got Nothing (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A rare instance when laziness and lack of creativity actually works. Yes you got nothing but you are the rare anti-capper who will admit it. And remember when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.)
After this disaster, I doubt I'll be back for my 50th Wagner College reunion. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Stalker alert! Recently I referenced a headline I wrote 30 years ago for my college newspaper. From that, bonehead was able to identify the small liberal arts school from which I earned my coveted B.A.in Political Science. First job after school: security guard in Manhattan working the mid-night to 8 am shift.)
"They're laughing because alinla thinks that Pride goeth before the fall is something the Beatles thought up, instead of from the Book of Proverbs, 16:18. Yeah, he's going straight to Hell."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Are you new here? Are you not aware of my rich history of playful word play and my deep devotion to The Beatles irony? You mock the very ignorance you exemplify. Besides, didn't that same book of yours say "judge not lest ye be judged?" [Matthew 7:1, if you're scoring at home.] And before anyone says anything, the good book specifically gives dispensation to an Anti-Cap judge. [Different kind of judge, sayeth the lord.])

94 comments:

boneguy said...

Look it's going to be either Proctor Island or Gamble Island but not both.

Shelly said...

"Looks like we're standing right above a colony of tunnel-dwelling Amazon nymphomaniacs- get the shovel!"

Anonymous said...

"Clearly a violation of the statue of imitations."

Dr Sumguy said...

"We're too late! Somebody's already given them head!"

boneguy said...

Damn you, Disney!

Dr Sumguy said...

"No prep required for your colonoscopy!"

Damon said...

"So much for your `worms don't give blowjobs' theory."

Glenn said...

"Moai? I wanted to see Maui, you id... Hey, shut up, it's not funny!"

Blonde said...

Obviously Stanley what led to their extinction was that they failed to realize till it was too late that, "Moai IS less..!!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Whoops! ... This is 'Cheshire Cat Island'!"

Damon said...

"I know that grin. Are you sure your wife's only 58?"

David Macharelli said...

"Unlike their counterparts at Easter Island, the figures of Fellatio Island beam with the eternal optimism of afterglow."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Look Ma, no cavities!"

kpledwnk fsdl;kj said...

"Ah shit, I forgot my mallet. I love 'Whack-a-Moai'®!"

Satireguy said...

Doc and Woody investigate the famous statues of Ipana Island.

Anonymous said...

"Ok...enough, I got the shots....quit saying cheese."

Anonymous said...

"Sure, you're stand-up is huge here . . . but back in the First World, I don't think Letterman is buying it."


---blw

Anonymous said...

" . . . uhh . . . that would be 'your' instead of 'you're'."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“No one brings a Paleolithic Comedy Club to its knees like you, Dr. Laffmeister.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."


---Michael Pritchard

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"I'm haunted by the victims of their faces."

Ell E. Ahhht said...

"Wow, looks like we were visited by frickin' space faggots at some point in our rich, vast history."

Anonymous said...

"How can you think of oral sex at a time like this?"

Sorosis said...

"Apparently, they were Hell-bent on frowning until we voted a Muslim into the white house."

Anonymous said...

"Judging by the shadows, it must be high noon."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And on the back side, they have a 'Happy Face'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"These moai were the test group for Viagra!"

boneguy said...

Man,these guys look stoned.

Austin said...

Their eyes follow you wherever you go.

Austin said...

On New Yorker Isle, even pre-historic megalithic statues are white.

REX said...

What Mount Rushmore would look like if Mormons ran America.

Austin said...

Unbeknownst to the general public, Scott Adams possesses the world's only functioning backwards time machine but uses it only to play practical jokes on archaeologists.

Anonymous said...

"....to get to the other side. Christ! These stiffs will laugh at any stupid joke you tell them."

JohnnyB said...

Because we've been here a month and a half and haven't found ONE colored egg they hid; THAT'S why they're smiling.

JohnnyB said...

How’d ya like to spend Easter on Easter Island?
How’d ya like to spend the holy day away with this rock guy?
How’d ya like to spend Easter on Easter Island?
How’d ya like to bite the head off a chocolate coconut Moai?

Dr Sumguy said...

"Looks like we've stumbled upon an enclave of Mitt Romney delegates!"

boneguy said...

Let me be the first to welcome you to Up With People Island.

Satireguy said...

"Welcome to Happy Filter Tip Island."

Anonymous said...

"Check your compass, Thornhill. I think we've landed on Gay Head."

boneguy said...

Maybe I should explain "scaling up" our suppository business.

boneguy said...

Maybe I should better explain "scaling up" our suppository business.

(sorry)

cubshlub said...

All I thaid wath “your pithe helmet ith thtupendouth”

Dex said...

"Why is this man laughing?"

BLONDE said...

And here Yogi stands a very early example of "deja fool-"

BLONDE said...

Empirical proof my dear boy that when you've, "seen one, you have indeed seen them all..."

Glenn said...

"The natives are all so happy. Let's kill them."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Why the smile? ... These are the Sphinxtered Moai!"

Anonymous said...

"So the guy with the shit eating grin goes 'Do you have any Grey Poupon?' Naturally, the audience ate it up."

Anonymous said...

"This reminds of when the Nazis buried the Jews up to their necks... except for the part where they bring in the tanks."

Tim H said...

"The plaque here says: The name Easter Island was given by the island's first recorded European visitor, the Dutch explorer Jacob "Turn That Frown Upside-Down" Roggeveen, who encountered it on Easter Sunday 1722."

Anonymous said...

“’And that smile’s so hard to resist; they smile to your face, but behind your back they hiss’ . . . I’d say these were left here by Infidels.”


---A Sweetheart Like You

Kohl Drinc said...

"Hey KOOL-AID! What the fuck did you expect going all sugar-free and shit. Word!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"That one over there, looks just like Jack Nicholson ... In 'The Shining'!"

Sam Antic said...

"Who knew? The Earth provides a Happy Finish."

Glenn said...

As they thought of their thoroughly miserable lives and unhappy marriages, it became clear they'd found the perfect spot for the next hydrogen bomb test.

Anonymouse said...

"They're laughing because alinla thinks that Pride goeth before the fall is something the Beatles thought up, instead of from the Book of Proverbs, 16:18. Yeah, he's going straight to Hell."

Glenn said...

Naive hikers with no clue as to the horrors in store for them from underground.

boneguy said...

After this disaster, I doubt I'll be back for my 50th Wagner College reunion.

Damon said...

"Did he...just offer to sell me a car?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"These statues have Sphinxters!"

Kathy H said...

"Wait until I tell TripAdvisor® about this!"

Tim H said...

"I understand that this is where Sondheim wrote the song Comedy Tonight."

Anonymous said...

Living stone, I presume?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

“We have met the joke . . . and it is us.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Shiny exterior, no evidence of wind erosion and lack of fungus buildup around the surface tells me one thing, Hastings—they've recently been laid."

Anonymous said...

"Reminds me - got any cigarettes?"

Anonymous said...

Everybody must get stoned likenesses of themselves erected.

Anonymous said...

Above cap courtesy of

Jim Cavanaugh

Stone Cold Jaime Sommers said...

'I'm having a hard time coming up with something igneous to say'
'My sediments exactly'
Quit taking me for granite
I'm feeling boulder lately he said in a gravelly voice
(heres hoping Al likes my expossed aggregate of captions)

Close Encounter said...

"Have you ever countenanced so many countenances?"

Wal-Mart Greeter's Farm said...

"Hello! My name is Jerry Sandusky! Do you like my vest?"

Kathy H said...

"I can't help but think that they're laughing at our hats."

Kathy H said...

"Are we in Michigan?"

Anonymous said...

“The civilization that built these is gone as are many others . . . thus giving little credence to the old aphorism, ‘When you smile, the whole world smiles with you’.”


---blw

Dr Sumguy said...

"And these statues face the nude beach!"

Ken L said...

Apparently, getting 'stoned' originally meant : "Thank ye, O gods, for that fine weed".

Got Nothing said...

"Until they, too, got their backsides plundered and suffered horrible ends,(....something unfunny a 50s reference something even less funny...)Rock Hut, son."

Anonymous said...

"Fossil weenie, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Think about the poor schmuck who has to mow around them."

Anonymous said...

Five Smileys, you crazy bastard! How are you gonna explain this?

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"There was a sixth statue! ... Unfortunately, he cracked a smile and died of lockjaw!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"This one had a sign that read ... 'Piss on me and you're dead!"

Anonymous said...

“In a field of idiots, we still have to choose.”

Richard H said...

"Fuck. The Eli Lilly reps beat us here"

Richard H said...

"For some reason, while other islands focused on tourism, they emphasized cosmetic dentistry"

smuck said...

"The idols are pleased with our sacrifice of Cub Scout troop 248."

Anonymous said...

"It must be Palm Sunday."

Anonymous said...

Looks like someone's had a little face work done

Glenn said...

"This captures the moment when they exiled all their women."

Austin said...

"HOW... DO... YOU... DO. Christ these natives are dense."

Jerry's Wife said...

"Unable to sheer sheep or grow cotton, this merry band of natives used Mother Earth as their loin cloth to keep their private parts private. This self burial ritual had a downside, however, which J.J. Thompson chronicled in his thesis 'They Soiled Themselves in the Easter Island Soil,' also known as the 'Oh Shit' hypothesis. Of course, this was published after the Shit Eating Grin theory was disproved in 1959 shortly after Hawaii became a state.

So Jerry, how do I know this? I read it on the internet after I posted those pictures I took of your private parts."

Anonymous said...

"The natives are not restless. They're dead."

Anonymous said...

"Daily flossing might have saved these poor bastards."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Easter Island Pez."

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