WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
"This is the dumbest cartoon yet!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a rare bit of meddling, I took the liberty of adding quotation marks. This way you won't think of this entry as just another cranky Anti-Capper whining about the material. Instead, the line is being huffed by the guy in the suitcase who is forced to execute this really idiotic concept. How bad is this cartoon? So bad the character is fuming as he squirms uncomfortably in his suitcase. And it gets worse: As a number of Anti-Cappers pointed out, he also has all manner of toiletry items wedged up his ass. )
SECOND PLACE
"What do you mean, 'Let's roll'?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to 9/11 hero Todd Beamer. While on board the doomed jet plane that crashed in a Pennsylvania field that day, he said those two words before leading an attack on the hijackers that is believed to have saved many lives. It's use here seems non-sensical and insensitive. But what if the suitcase guy symbolizes pampered, self-indulgence lazy people people whose only discomfort is the baggage they have created for themselves? The man in the window seat got sick of his complaining. With Todd's courageous war cry he tried to remind this passage on the jet called life that his aches and pains are trivial. Suitcase guy doesn't get it. Never will. Also, many suitcases do in fact roll, so there's that too.)
THIRD PLACE
I have to travel this way. My entire family got wiped out in the Cargo Holdacaust.--
boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A pun too dumb to be harmful, too nimble to ignore. This also ventures into sensitive terrain but that's what we're here for I guess.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Oh, Helen! Oh, Helen! Oh, oh...watch the zipper! Watch the zipper!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hard to tell if Helen is humping him or hurting him, but this suggests the suitcase guy is not alone. Implausible but that certainly would explain a lot. )
"I told you I had a lot of baggage when you met me."--Tim H
"Oh shut up, Tad. You knew when you gay-married me that I have some baggage."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two similar caps, but whereas Tim coughed up a bland and simplistic entry that is, at best, a mildly funny quip, REX made it more topical and biting. By specifying "gay-married" he made it playfully absurd which is in keeping with this terrible cartoon. Also, Tad is a well established gay-name. Even so, Tim's entry was posted well before the one from REX so we give him props the way a carmaker credits the inventor of the wheel.)
"I hate flying Coach."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The uppercase "C" confirms that this is a pun inspired by the upscale retail chain. But they sell handbags and wallets--not the type of luggage seen in this cartoon. It's no wonder you were too ashamed to give your name!)
"What makes you think I'm an American Tourister?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See? This one is much better because it uses the name of an actual suitcase brand. And since it is also from "Anonymous," it could be the same person evolving humor-wise. That's always nice to see--even if they're too lazy to come up with some type of fake name so we know who's who.)
"I'm just escaping from a flock of vultures. They all think I'm carrion."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim, Tim, Tim...What can we say? You search and search and come up with this fowl cap? It feels like you are giving us the bird. Well pluck you! )
My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away.--Fiona (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Some touching lyrics from the lovely and talented Fiona Apple. Tim take note: This is how to class up the joint!)
"That noise you're hearing is my electric toothbrush. If it's bothering you, I'll try clenching."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is representative of the entrees that suggested items had shifted into his butt during takeoff. What sets this apart is the commendable effort to remedy the noise problem. Still, it suggests that the guy in the next seat is annoyed by a buzz that is originating in the deepest recesses of the image. Damon reached deep for this--too deep. )
"In Russia, baggage carries you."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A sort-of classic that is seldom used and very very seldom used well. )
"Christ, there's no ass hole."--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Leave it to Jim to mine for humor on Hershey Highway while invoking His name. Remember this Jim: In every random gathering of five or more people there is always one asshole. If you can't figure out who it is, it's a good bet the others in the group have.)
"Flew silly, you crazy packer. How are...yippee a classic cap reduxing mofo."--
Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calm down. You do have something mildly not sucky but did you have to stop mid-way to pat your self on the back? )
"Why, if it isn't Carry On, my wayward son."--Kansas (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if the door opens you'll be in pieces when you are done. The same rock ballad says "I was soaring ever higher. But I flew too high." So this works on numerous levels.)
"Of course it's wearable, that's why it's called a suitcase. Same as how a baseball is the lowest form of sports equipment."--Put A. Sokkinitt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted three minutes after a botched version said "...that's why the call it a suitcase..." It always impressive when Anti-Cappers come scrabbling back to fix their screw-ups. The take away: The capper went down the block and back to explain how a suitcase can be a suit and a case, but when it came time to pull the trigger he misfired. To echo the accolade I have often heard: Nice try. )
For your consideration. Harry "suitcase" Simpson, third baseman for six different teams in two years, on an all to familiar flight to the new city that just acquired him. You see, Harry is good enough to play in the majors, but not good enough to play for very long in any one place. Life keeps throwing Harry the one thing he can't get a bat on—a curve ball low and away from the Twilight Zone.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit long but this has merit and sheds light on the human condition. Harry, of course, is flying some place where they want him; not just away from a place where they don't-- so it's not as glum as it seems.)
PS: If Dylan gets you an automatic honorable mention I'm sure Kansas lyrics will result in an automatic disqualification, but I thought the Wayward Son entry was hilarious.--
Mike Mariano
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: You know nothing about your quirkly but well rounded judge. Kansas kicks ass--no where near Dylan's level, of course but somewhere between Rush and REO Speedwagon. Also Fun Fact: When the NY Mets had a player named
Mark
Carreon from 1987–1991, they would play the opening lines of this song when he came to bat because "Carry On" sounds like his last name. )
"First, it's called a "seat." Second, how dare you tell me to "get out of [your] chair!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a previous winner. What's with the brackets? )
WINNERS
SECOND PLACE
"What do you mean, 'Let's roll'?"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to 9/11 hero Todd Beamer. While on board the doomed jet plane that crashed in a Pennsylvania field that day, he said those two words before leading an attack on the hijackers that is believed to have saved many lives. It's use here seems non-sensical and insensitive. But what if the suitcase guy symbolizes pampered, self-indulgence lazy people people whose only discomfort is the baggage they have created for themselves? The man in the window seat got sick of his complaining. With Todd's courageous war cry he tried to remind this passage on the jet called life that his aches and pains are trivial. Suitcase guy doesn't get it. Never will. Also, many suitcases do in fact roll, so there's that too.)
THIRD PLACE
I have to travel this way. My entire family got wiped out in the Cargo Holdacaust.--
boneguy
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: A pun too dumb to be harmful, too nimble to ignore. This also ventures into sensitive terrain but that's what we're here for I guess.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I told you I had a lot of baggage when you met me."--Tim H
"Oh shut up, Tad. You knew when you gay-married me that I have some baggage."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two similar caps, but whereas Tim coughed up a bland and simplistic entry that is, at best, a mildly funny quip, REX made it more topical and biting. By specifying "gay-married" he made it playfully absurd which is in keeping with this terrible cartoon. Also, Tad is a well established gay-name. Even so, Tim's entry was posted well before the one from REX so we give him props the way a carmaker credits the inventor of the wheel.)
"I hate flying Coach."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The uppercase "C" confirms that this is a pun inspired by the upscale retail chain. But they sell handbags and wallets--not the type of luggage seen in this cartoon. It's no wonder you were too ashamed to give your name!)
"I'm just escaping from a flock of vultures. They all think I'm carrion."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim, Tim, Tim...What can we say? You search and search and come up with this fowl cap? It feels like you are giving us the bird. Well pluck you! )
My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away.--Fiona (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Some touching lyrics from the lovely and talented Fiona Apple. Tim take note: This is how to class up the joint!)
"That noise you're hearing is my electric toothbrush. If it's bothering you, I'll try clenching."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is representative of the entrees that suggested items had shifted into his butt during takeoff. What sets this apart is the commendable effort to remedy the noise problem. Still, it suggests that the guy in the next seat is annoyed by a buzz that is originating in the deepest recesses of the image. Damon reached deep for this--too deep. )
"In Russia, baggage carries you."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A sort-of classic that is seldom used and very very seldom used well. )
"Flew silly, you crazy packer. How are...yippee a classic cap reduxing mofo."--
Anonymous
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calm down. You do have something mildly not sucky but did you have to stop mid-way to pat your self on the back? )
"Why, if it isn't Carry On, my wayward son."--Kansas (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if the door opens you'll be in pieces when you are done. The same rock ballad says "I was soaring ever higher. But I flew too high." So this works on numerous levels.)
"Of course it's wearable, that's why it's called a suitcase. Same as how a baseball is the lowest form of sports equipment."--Put A. Sokkinitt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was posted three minutes after a botched version said "...that's why the call it a suitcase..." It always impressive when Anti-Cappers come scrabbling back to fix their screw-ups. The take away: The capper went down the block and back to explain how a suitcase can be a suit and a case, but when it came time to pull the trigger he misfired. To echo the accolade I have often heard: Nice try. )
"First, it's called a "seat." Second, how dare you tell me to "get out of [your] chair!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a previous winner. What's with the brackets? )
89 comments:
"The add-on fees here are obscene."
"Do I look like I can get up for you to go to the bathroom?"
Maybe you can explain to me why people laugh hysterically every time I tell them my name is Sampson Knight.
"I told you I had a lot of baggage when you met me."
"Next time you see that Travelocity® gnome, tell him to go to hell."
"That noise you're hearing is my electric toothbrush. If it's bothering you, I'll try clenching."
"It's a kidney dialysis machine. It's just designed to look like a suitcase."
"It's a new concept. It's called 'Carry on Huggage'!"
I'll tell you which container I got on board with more than 3 fluid ounces of liquid. My bladder! Oh, never mind.
The 'Gary Coleman' version can be stored in the overhead bin!
"Going thru security, TSA confiscated my colon! They said it was a source of toxic gas!"
"You can go...........to the bathroom........as soon as....AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh..I finish."
"Why do you do this to me, Dad?! Why!?"
"Damn this turbulence- something inside is gonna blow. And the plane ride's a little bumpy, too."
Somehow Seat Guru never works for me.
"I'm a shoe bomber and an underwear bomber all packed into one."
"Why, if it isn't Carry On, my wayward son."
"I'm part Rimowa; my paleface son-of-a-bitch father left us and I'm finally going to confront him."
PS: If Dylan gets you an automatic honorable mention I'm sure Kansas lyrics will result in an automatic disqualification, but I thought the Wayward Son entry was hilarious.
"Would you mind scratching my nuts for me?"
Jim Cavanaugh
My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away.
Fiona
After "The Fruit of the Loom" campaign ended, it's been pretty much downhill.
"First, it's called a "seat." Second, how dare you tell me to "get out of [your] chair!"
"So, Dad, does one more Boston to New York ticket really cost all that much?"
"In Russia, baggage carries you."
"Holy crap! You're Herbert Von, Carry-On."
"Dude, I'll give you thirty bucks if you nuzzle my undercarriage as we approach Phoenix"
"I've cut back to one pack a day, and I still feel miserable!"
I have to travel this way. My entire family got wiped out in the Cargo Holdacaust.
"Oh, Helen! Oh, Helen! Oh, oh...watch the zipper! Watch the zipper!"
"My Tumi is upset."
"Wake me when we're a mile high and you can help me empty my sack."
The Holdacaust one is a great anti-caption in the classic tradition.
"I'm British! I'm trying to 'KEEP CALM And CARRY ON'!"
"My mother turned her lovers into lampshades and my father is a couch."
"I made the mistake of giving my wife a chastity belt."
"I'm just escaping from a flock of vultures. They all think I'm carrion."
"Me? I guess I'm just another patriotic kid from Sheboygan, returning home to my family in a body bag."
'Suitcase' Si! 'Cigarette' Nada!
"Oh shut up, Tad. You knew when you gay-married me that I have some baggage."
For your consideration. Harry "suitcase" Simpson, third baseman for six different teams in two years, on an all to familiar flight to the new city that just acquired him. You see, Harry is good enough to play in the majors, but not good enough to play for very long in any one place. Life keeps throwing Harry the one thing he can't get a bat on—a curve ball low and away from the Twilight Zone.
Tick... tick... tick... tick....
"What the fuck was I thinking?"
"I've found this to be true in many facets of life: The crazier you dress, the less they notice when you rub your genitals on the seats. Ungggph."
"It's Rush Limbaugh's old carry on, and it's filled with little blue M&M's!"
"PS ... Why do I have two right upper extremities?"
"I had a choice of colostomy bag."
"Quick, open my bag and reduce my load."
"Flew silly, you crazy packer. How are...yippee a classic cap reduxing mofo."
"What do you mean, 'Let's roll'?"
This is the dumbest cartoon yet!
"Would you unzip me? I need to drop my kids off at the pool."
"I'm wearing 14 pairs of underwear. There'll be skidmarks on more than one runway tonight!"
"Would you ask my wife to save me her peanuts? She's in a garment bag in seat A17."
The name is Robe. Ward Robe.
"I can't look - Is Homer Simpson coming out of the front of my bag?"
"I might lose my job, so don't tell anybody. I'm the air marshal on this flight."
"I'd have stayed in the carry-on compartment, but I couldn't see the movie screen. Oh, my God, is this Terms of Endearment?!"
"Of course it's wearable, that's why the call it a suitcase. Just like a baseball is the lowest type of sports equipment."
"Of course it's wearable, that's why it's called a suitcase. Same as how a baseball is the lowest form of sports equipment."
"For my in-flight meal, I ordered the baggette."
"So I slapped the bitch and told her to start packing."
"I got tired of living out of my suitcase."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Can't...breathe"
"Worst curbside manners ever."
"When I asked for a seat next to the head, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind!"
"Yeah, baby, this is what I call flying first class! Woo hoo!"
Is it really Mother's Day tomorrow ? Remind me to send flowers to the old bag.
I seriously have no clue what's between his head and the baseball cap.
"Pink and wrinkled."
"I'm a passanger, I'm baggage, I'm a cartoon subject, I'm a cautionary tale...I wear many hats."
This thing is packed with ice. I'm donating my kidneys when we land.
"I hate flying Coach."
It was bad enough that Marty had to buy a plane ticket for his new sex doll, Rico. But why did he have to keep farting and staring at other guys?!
- The Catcher in the Sky
"It's a rare condition called Samsoniteopilepsy. My infant son, Satchel, has it too. Do you mind if I take the window seat? If I don't get enought sunlight I won't make it through customs."
"Oh, I can walk well enough. But I'm still trying to find out a way to take a bath without floating."
"No, a website called 'Dating for the Defected' is sending me on this trip. I'm going to meet a steamer trunk and, boy, is she hot!"
"What makes you think I'm an American Tourister?"
"So I says to the lady in the Porsche, would you like to see my pound of flesh?"
"Could you just reach into the lower compartment and shake up my medicine for me?"
"Why is it I add 10 pounds every time I go on vacation?"
The Glorious Evolution of the IED
Whoa- had to consume massive quantities of liquids to get past the TSA !!
"These nipple clamps are killing me."
That's not my elbow, it's my spleen. My contents shifted during take-off.
"Maybe I shouldn't have packed our pets into the same case. WHOAH! There went our gerbil."
"Yeah, I sweat ink. But that doesn't mean I'm some kind of...octopus."
"I can't move. If you have to pee, use one of the specimen cups in the top pouch."
"If I hear penny wise and pound foolish one more time, I'm going to SCREAM!"
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