NOTE: Just as I was trying to play catch up with the contest. a wind storm ripped through the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains, which is where Mrs. al in la and I live. The local news says it had the punch of a Category 4 hurricane. Worst one of these in 20 years. Gusts of over 100 mph sent debris flying. claimed countless trees and snapped utility poles like tinder. When the winds peaked in the middle of the night the sound was as fierce as a jet plane. We could hear our 50-year old home grown like it was under attack. We lost power for about two days and lost a bunch of food. Now it looks like we were nuked. Toppled lumber is everywhere, traffic is a mess and the sound of chain saws is a constant. Clean up will take weeks. It will take many decades for the foliage to completely return.
None of this is meant to explain why I've been dragging my feet with the anti-cap results for the past few weeks. I am trying to pick up the pace while there are still a few people doing it, It's just that the last couple of days I have had a really good excuse.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE Showering with cubs? Fuckin' nittany lion." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is slightly ironic. If the ex-coach/alleged child-rapist does end up in prison, it will be a lot like throwing him into the cage here--only with a whole bunch of pissed-off lions.)
SECOND PLACE
"That's right . . . things have changed. Now it's all hippos in the living room, opposing armies massing on the front lawn, roller coaster rides . . . and don't think wearing this tie is any picnic."---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We should give props to LCW for reminding us of contests past. Here's my nod to a classic cap: "On the subway, no one knows you're a predator.")
THIRD PLACE "When Sonny Bono died, did Cher receive the lions share, or did she share and Cher alike with Chasity---and buy her a belt! I'm confused, is this the "Worst Paragraph Ever Written Contest"?" --Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's caps like this that generate my level of enthusiasm. Nuff said.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS "Assimilatey, you crazy bastard! How are you?" --Dom (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The lion in the suit is saying that? He's the Uncle Tom-Cat.)
"I'm going to fight for you. Crooked judge or no crooked judge, good or bad jury, I'll show them. I may not win, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you to do.""What's that?""Talk me out of it!" --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure we smile about it now, but the showdown at the witch's castle could have easily gone the other way. That's something that is never discussed)
I tell ya, Frank, that wizard gave me courage and it's been nothing but pussy ever since! --Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A gentle-lion wouldn't brag about it. And why Frank? Why not Leo?)
Sooooooooooooooooo- how's that"Hakuna matata" thing working for you? --BLONDE (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That's a Swahili phrase that is literally translated as "There are no worries." It tells us with freedom comes anixety--or something. )
"Listen. Society will look upon you as a hero if you'll just come out and say it,'I ate alinla.'"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny thing: When I read this, the words "eat me" came to mind.)
"They call me alionla."--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I kind of like it.)
"I promise you, there will be no contest winners until I get you out of there!"---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He hired one of his own. That's understandable. But lawyer-wise he'd be better off with a pitbull, a vulture or, of course, a shark. That's just the way the system works.)
58 comments:
Fuck's sake, man, put some clothes on. It's a prison, not a zoo.
Lion's Warehouse. 2 for 1 sale. They guarantee it.
"Fer Christ's sake's Ben, uncross your legs. It's Lion's Pride Week, not Gay Pride!"
"It's about time you come out- it would be just fabulous for our gay pride."
"I lean more towards intelligent design, if you ask me."
"Listen. Society will look upon you as a hero if you'll just come out and say it,'I ate alinla.'"
"Bad news Coeur de Lion. You have a prolapsed mitral valve!"
"I can't get you bail but I should be able to get you some clothes and a decent haircut."
"Can you tell me why it is that those elephants are in the minority, yet they seem to have the run of the place?"
Jim Cavanaugh
"As your attorney, I advise you not to take a lion detector test."
Jim Cavanaugh
"It's a mad house, a mad house."
"Missy lioness has agreed to drop charges, if you stop eating her cubs!."
"I know you don't like Republicans, but sometimes an elephant is just an elephant."
"I am from Kenya, and I did promise change,"
"Don't judge me!"
"I know lions like to charge, but this $1406.07 Nordstrom's bill is just too much!"
"When Sonny Bono died, did Cher receive the lions share, or did she share and Cher alike with Chasity---and buy her a belt! I'm confused, is this the "Worst Paragraph Ever Written Contest"?"
"I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to come out of the cage."
"I blend right in, actually. There's a ton of lion on Wall Street."
Told ya it was a jungle out there !
"I'm going to fight for you. Crooked judge or no crooked judge, good or bad jury, I'll show them. I may not win, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you to do."
"What's that?"
"Talk me out of it!"
"I'm not your mane man anymore."
"If I'd known I was going from living in a cage to working in a fucking office, I'd never have volunteered for Moreau's little experiment. At least you get free steak."
Do you know how hard it is to get a tux without tails?
So----- I guess now we know who's really minding the zoo!
"I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lion eyes"
"In 1971, the Board of Directors of Lions Clubs International declared that henceforth June 1st would be remembered as "Helen Keller Day"."
As a middle class lion, I feel doubly threatened by extinction.
"Your semblance to Muammar Gaddafi is mind boggling! Is that an Amazonian Guard behind your fresh kill?"
Sooooooooooooooooo- how's that
"Hakuna matata" thing working for you?
Have you seen the hippo?
I know its a big change, but Dolly likes it and said I look like Randy Travis
"At least there's some good news. Lions 6, Gladiators 0!"
The New Yorker is forcing someone to cross their arms every week now.
"I don't recall your face, but your mane is familiar."
"There's no way they can connect your flatulence to the hole in the ozone layer. I'll have you out'a here in no time!"
"I'm still a lion. I'm just part of the 1%."
"You were right. It's a jungle out here. But on the plus side, I made VP."
"Sure, the haircut is lame, but so what? I get to eat Gazelle Bundchen whenever I want."
I just got tired of combing out the leo-fro, man.
"Well, no, actually I'm not a lion, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last might."
"I got whipped upstairs."
"So, I filed that anti-leonine suit against The Muppets. I mean, not one character! WTF!"
"They're casting for a remake of Clarence, The Crossed-Eyed Lion. So, whaddya say we carpe diem?"
"They call me alionla."
You know the weirdest damn thing about this cartoon? I couldn't view it using Explorer, Firefox, or Google Chrome. I had to go on Safari.
"It's not all it's cracked up to be . . . have you ever tried to tie a tie without opposable thumbs?"
---blw
"That's right . . . things have changed. Now it's all hippos in the living room, opposing armies massing on the front lawn, roller coaster rides . . . and don't think wearing this tie is any picnic."
---left coast wayne
It was tough deciding who to eat first, Barnum or
Bailey.
"I promise you, there will be no contest winners until I get you out of there!"
---left coast wayne
"As your attorney, I would advise you to tell the truth. In other words, no lion on the stand."
---Court Appointed Punlic Defender
"Dad ran off with a cub half his age and mom was killed by poachers. I know, once again more astute than funny."
"The tough part is getting them to tailor the pants to free my tail. Speaking of free tail, have you seen Nala lately?"
"Once Leo Burnett showed me the door, I had no choice but to come back here."
"It's like Dilbert's tie; when my tail's up, so is the rest of me."
"I hate to inform you that, while Santa Claus is coming to town, your claws ain't going nowhere."
"I can't save you. Lionviticus says 'You shall not lie with a lamb as one lies with a lioness; it is an abomination."
I told him "You're a Wall Street banker? Role reversal time" So I dragged him into the cage, stripped off his Savile Row suit, his tie, shirt, socks, Rolex, wallet and his Ferragamo wingtips and I left him naked and roaring on all fours.
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