Note: Some years ago when I was still in NYC, one job I had included occasionally staying home to review TV shows set to debut on cable. It wasn't exactly heavy lifting: Sit at home all day and watch videos of TV shows with no commercials while eating junk food and lounging in an easy chair. Lunch time was nap time and I could easily ditch any phone call by saying "I have to get back to work."Friends thought this was a kick ass gig. But there was also a downside. It's not just that I didn't know what to do when I got off work (What? Sit around and watch TV?) It's that the vast, vast, vast majority of the shows I was screening totally sucked. I'm talking original movies for USA Network. or Lifetime. Shows about ants for Discovery and Adam Ant for VH1. There were occasional standouts but it was like being a restaurant critic who only reviews prison food.
This comes to mind because I believe the tedium of that endeavor uniquely well qualified me for Anti-Cap judging duties. As I did then, I some times have to muster the enthusiasm it takes. I am mustering as best I can.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE"No need to go all-Google on me. I'll show you how. It's simple. All you need is time, patience and the carcass of a dead rodent."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has its charm. People often Google things because they are too lazy to think. But if you are fast tracking your mustache by using a dead animal you don't really need time or patience. It also seems that dust mop might be a better choice. Overall, a pretty good cap for an awful cartoon..)
SECOND PLACE"Lefty-mouser, you crazy bastard. How are you?" --Rollie Fingers (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a classic and a classic baseballer who had an obnoxious handle bar moustache.)
THIRD PLACE"Well, since you asked, what I'd really like for Christmas is..." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes you to a site selling ski masks that look like beards. If we had a list of most cherished cappers Kathy H would be on it. But we don't, so we simply smile, nod and move on.)
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE"No need to go all-Google on me. I'll show you how. It's simple. All you need is time, patience and the carcass of a dead rodent."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has its charm. People often Google things because they are too lazy to think. But if you are fast tracking your mustache by using a dead animal you don't really need time or patience. It also seems that dust mop might be a better choice. Overall, a pretty good cap for an awful cartoon..)
SECOND PLACE"Lefty-mouser, you crazy bastard. How are you?" --Rollie Fingers (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a classic and a classic baseballer who had an obnoxious handle bar moustache.)
THIRD PLACE"Well, since you asked, what I'd really like for Christmas is..." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes you to a site selling ski masks that look like beards. If we had a list of most cherished cappers Kathy H would be on it. But we don't, so we simply smile, nod and move on.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS"Clip-on!"--Ole School (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Might have been better if it said "Shut up Bob, every body knows you moustache is a clip-on." But this is more vague. )
"No mustache, Bond? I expect you to try." --RL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, which makes it better, I suppose.)
"Name's Fur-Lippy, a crazy bastard, and I'm fine, thanks." --Rich Lather (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Further proof that I will keep the classics alive at all costs.)
"Al, I'm going to have to let you go. You've fallen too far behind on judging anti-caption contests. Frankly, you were never very good at it in the first place."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me go? Where? I do this from home. And if I suck at it, why would the absence of my comments prompt this vicious attack?)
“Did you hear the good news? The North Pole lockout is over. Alinla’s got all of his elves working again and everything’s back on schedule for Christmas Day! . . . I hope he brings me a nose hair trimmer this year.”-----left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Count on it wayne, industrial strength model--and thanks old buddy. There was a time when I had elfs helping me, but after a little good natured horse play in the shower, they were taken away. The litigation is still pending so I will not comment any further.)
"No mustache, Bond? I expect you to try." --RL (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Even worse, which makes it better, I suppose.)
"Name's Fur-Lippy, a crazy bastard, and I'm fine, thanks." --Rich Lather (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Further proof that I will keep the classics alive at all costs.)
"Al, I'm going to have to let you go. You've fallen too far behind on judging anti-caption contests. Frankly, you were never very good at it in the first place."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Let me go? Where? I do this from home. And if I suck at it, why would the absence of my comments prompt this vicious attack?)
“Did you hear the good news? The North Pole lockout is over. Alinla’s got all of his elves working again and everything’s back on schedule for Christmas Day! . . . I hope he brings me a nose hair trimmer this year.”-----left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Count on it wayne, industrial strength model--and thanks old buddy. There was a time when I had elfs helping me, but after a little good natured horse play in the shower, they were taken away. The litigation is still pending so I will not comment any further.)
84 comments:
"Be honest. Am I too tall for Hulk Hogans Midget Wrestling?"
"Toilet bowl sealer. And yes, there is a faint potty odor!"
"Landing strip wax. And yes, there is a slight odor!"
Has anyone lost a baby sperm whale?
"Al, I'm going to have to let you go. You've fallen too far behind on judging anti-caption contests. Frankly, you were never very good at it in the first place."
"I think Free-Mustache-Ride-Friday is gonna be a hit!"
"I hate when food gets caught in the hair, but that's what tongues are for. Also, do you like my moustache?"
"I am the walrus, coo coo kachu!"
"Grandpa Sal would certainly disapprove of our work in Cubism."
"Can you google 'how to get a chinchilla that crawled up your nose and died out"?
"Well, maybe it was me, but what were you doing on a gay porn site?"
"Hey Larry, where's Moe?"
"It hides my stretch marks!"
"You know the policy, Jenkins. All documents must consist entirely of horizontal lines."
"Does this snail make me look fat?"
"Tom, could you help me? I've got a salamander stuck up my nose."
"Johnson, have you seen the other half of my handlebar?"
This thing is starting to smell rancid. Any idea where they put the moustach-erator?
"Yes, I may not be able to stop snorting snakes but at least my eyes don't pop out of my head."
"Clip-on!"
Ole School
"I had the weirdest dream last night; Snidely K. Whiplash gave me a Dirty Sanchez."
"And in my left pants pocket --- Steel Wool?"
"A little autoerotism never fails to convert my Walrus to a Handlebar!"
"Gentlemen! In my hand I hold the male genital organ! ---Which Hand?"
Hi, I'm here to repair the wormhole to the late 19th century.
"And in my left pant's pocket, we have ... wait for it ... Steel Wool!"
"When I say that I like moustache wax, it's not a euphemism."
"I can never get this tie straight with this goddamned moustache in the way!"
"Yeah, I've got one arm. No, I didn't kill Richard Kimball's wife. How 'bout you?"
Jim Cavanaugh
"You shouldn't stare at the screen so long. It's hard on your eyes."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Yeah, and monkeys might fly up my nose."
"Houston, we have a Moustach Problem! One of my Friends Moustach is growing only half you can say....The remaining part of face no hairs are growing.He shown to doct and they said that this is due to Mosquito bite....And they are nt able to give solution....Looking for solution Pls help."
"You should try growing one. It totally deflects attention away from your missing chin."
"There's a rumor going around that it's me on the receiving end of the glory hole in stall 3- go figure."
[Take Two...]
"When I say that I like to wax my moustache, it's not a euphemism."
"Why not Don DeVito?"
"Name's Fur-Lippy, a crazy bastard, and I'm fine, thanks."
"No mustache, Bond? I expect you to try."
"In Soviet Union, mustache grows you"
"My kid's math book calls them circle graphs. But they're pie charts, too. You could call them pie graphs. Circle charts sounds weird. And dice - the book calls them number cubes and they can't have dots. Gambling, or something. They use circle graphs with number cube data..."
"Ted, people keep wiggling their noses every time they see me. You, you just stare straight ahead, so I know you'll tell the truth. What's going on?"
"It's the Rollie Fingers model."
"Every time I play with myself at work, I get a horrific nosebleed."
Any messages for me? No?
How about for my 'stache?
"Larry would you go out with me? Would I, Wood Eye! Hairlip! Hairlip! Hairlip!
"Dude! Your hand is smaller than your nose. What's up with that?"
"Mine? I vould guess around ten pounds. Vy? How much does your PC vey?"
"Geez, I can't find my knees."
"You think this is awesome, you should see my pits."
---blw
"I don't mean to split hairs, but your peace symbol is upside side down."
"Side effects of pubic hair transplants. Right there - follicle priapism."
"Don't judge me!"
Can we talk about that promotion now? I grew the 'stache like you wanted. Are we conducting the oral interview here or in the bathroom?
"Thank God I shaved off that stupid-looking beard!"
"Chick magnet and an alternative habitat for winter's less fortunate creatures. It's a 'win-win' as far as I'm concerned."
---blw
"Charlie Sheen stole my other half!"
"Do goats have goatees?"
"Do goats have goatees?"
"Do you know why gift wrapping freaks me out, Louie? My coach took me to a wedding shower."
"I keep my stomach flat by letting it rob me of nutrients. Oh, and I'm bulemic."
"Have you ever been hypnotized by a mustache?"
"In the Southern Hemisphere, they think I am a pessimist."
Half the man I used to be / Maybe that's because / You're the other half of me ... Yo-Yo-Ma
"It's a cookie duster, and if you've ever had your cookie dusted, you know how painful that can be!"
-- Dex
(RIP Steve Allen)
I feel as sexy as Gene Shallit!
"I may be a hirsute hombrero uptown, but it's all Benny Brazilian downtown, if you know what I mean."
"Less chins than a Chinese phone book."
I believe the missing variable is wind speed
graphed as an anti logrithmic function of the probability of "x" contest being judged.
"Yeah? Well your eye looks like a white beetle propped up on a bone."
“Did you hear the good news? The North Pole lockout is over. Alinla’s got all of his elves working again and everything’s back on schedule for Christmas Day! . . . I hope he brings me a nose hair trimmer this year.”
---left coast wayne
"Let me show you what I mean by lickety split."
"Try to jazz it up a little"
I've had my breasts removed and my clitoris turned into a makeshift penis, but the testosterone shots only make me grow hair in two places. Guess where the other one is? I'll give you a hint. It looks a LOT like Arnold Horshack.
Are you listening to me, Washington?
"Yeah, we get stuck sometimes. She crab-walks with my head down there until we find scissors."
"I'm going for Teddy Roosevelt meets Rollie Fingers, and I've divorced two of my uglier wives. Will I resonate with the American public now?"
"The 'stache diverts attention from my perpetual wood."
"Yeah, well, if this barbershop quartet thing doesn't work out, I'm thinking of trying out as shortstop for the New York Mets."
"No need to go all-Google on me. I'll show you how. It's simple. All you need is time, patience and the carcass of a dead rodent."
---blw
...it was the craziest dream. I'm flying through the air and - POW! - I land right on top of the Wicked Witch of the East...
"Well, since you asked, what I'd really like for Christmas is..."
"I got a lot of brown swirlies when I was a kid."
Its all urban cowboys and illegal aliens up in this office today...
"I really mustache you a question."
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