WINNERS
FIRST PLACE"Why not Bil Keane?" --Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Long time anti-cappers will get this one. The creator of the highly durable corn-ball cartoon, Family Circus, died on Nov. 8 at age 89. His link to this contest: When a well liked person passed on, the founder of the Anti-Cap, Daniel Radosh, would often blog: "Why not Bil Keane?" It was an ironic and slightly sinister expression of frustration. [Like wondering why, say, Paul Wellstone dies in a plane crash while Dick Cheney survives five heart attacks.] It was a comment on Keane's bland, trite and almost-never-funny cartoon. Radosh wondered why someone of such limited perspective could endure for decades while far more edgy and creative types are swept away. As it happens Mr. Kearne is gone--may he rest in peace--but his awful little cartoon continues in newspapers across America. It is now penned by his son Jeffy. Finally a touch of irony.)
SECOND PLACE"My German's a little rusty, but they're offering some sort of vacation. A free train ride to go camping. To help with your concentration I think. It's in the scenic Dachau region of Germany." --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's actually more of a working vacation. A bit long winded but edgy and obnoxious.)
THIRD PLACE"Occupy Czechoslovakia." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical and historically significant. It is also a country I could never spell, so I was glad to see it go.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS""I said cartoon, not platoon!"-- Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And we asked for humorous, not obvious.)
"He's on the furniture again. Down!" --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An invading army is not nearly as troublesome as an untrained dog. That's what this tells us.)
"If you're looking for Anne, she's behind the bookcase."
"Chronicles 29:11-13 - Now, our Lord, we give you tanks."
"Oh, don't worry, dear. They're only looking for Jews." --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Glenn is one of the best Anti Cappers we have left--and he's even comfortable with a dumb pun. These three entries show why.)
"`The internet is an anonymous playground', you said. `Nobody will care about one guy looking at infant porn', you said..." ---Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests that he was comfortable telling his wife. That part I don't buy.)
There's a battle outside and it is ragin'.It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls.For the times they are a-changin'. --butt kisser (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And let's not forget that the present now will later be past. That is one concept that gives me comfort these days.)
"This is the end," Alifalfa sobbed, clutching her heaving bosom & pausing only occasionally to scratch her itching left armpit while her sapphire eye, brimming with salty tears, turned helplessly towards the gibbous moon that hung in the brooding sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring. --- Plagerized.-- Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice one, but the word is "toward." Not "towards.")
74 comments:
"Sure it was cheap . . . but what about 'location, location, location'???"
---blw
"Honey, what did you say when I told you we could get a house real cheap overlooking the proving grounds?"
"No tanks."
""I said cartoon, not platoon!"
"Dear, did you pay our ES 1040 estimated tax this quarter?"
"If you're looking for Anne, she's behind the bookcase."
"That's just a painting, you moron. The window's behind me."
"Relax. If we're not terrorists, we have nothing to fear."
"Honey, if those are the Girl Scouts, I ordered six boxes of mint thins."
"Dear, please inquire with those brave young men whether they'd care to friendly-fire all over my décolletage"
"They're just soldier zombies, Dan. Put out the vampire dog."
"`The internet is an anonymous playground', you said. `Nobody will care about one guy looking at infant porn', you said..."
"According to Old Moore's Almanac, this is the month when the first economy-class Space tourists are signed up. The Russian Army isn't supposed to reach our doorstep till December"
"Says here in the TV Guide that tonight there's a 'very special' Mike & Molly."
"If it's all the same to you, I don't like being a person of interest."
"Chronicles 29:11-13 - Now, our Lord, we give you tanks."
"Well, since they're here, Bill, check to see if they'll move the citrus trees to the porch and remove that darn oak stump."
"Close the blinds."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Tell then dinner's at six and not a minute sooner."
"Tell them dinner's at six and not a minute sooner."
"I don't care if they're sins or dwarves. Just tell them to get in here and scrub my mutt."
"You mean not one of the IUDs exploded?"
Turns out "Red Dawn" is their favorite movie too.
"He said he was taking them out of Iraq, but he didn't say nothing about putting them here."
Jerry stop farting around and just tell them where Sarah Palin's place is.
"He's on the furniture again. Down!"
"I said...Semper Fi!"
"Dear. Did you foreget to hang the yellow ribbon,- again?"
"Dear. Did you forget to return the VFW nickel?"
"Tell them this is 'Occupy Bungalow' and we're not moving until Michael Moore shows up."
Hi, we're selling cookies to help pay for our next war and wonder if you'd be willing to buy a box or two.
"I'm sure they're just curious about why the legs on our coffee table are so short."
Jim Cavanaugh
"Why do you two look so surprised? You're the ones who insisted on buying a home on the Internet. It's so close to the beach, you said. There's no one around, you said. Lots of places to do my business, Fritzy said. Well, this is a fine mess."
"Why do you two look so surprised? You're the ones who insisted on buying a home on the Internet. It's so close to the beach, you said. There's no one around, you said. Lots of places to do my business, Fritzy said. Well, this is a fine mess."
"Hun? I think we have company. Charlie Company."
"Ask them if they have turrets syndrome."
"Wanna tell me about the parking ticket?"
"The Camp Pendleton Library sent them. Something about an overdue military book, Lose the Love Handles!"
"It turn's out that Winkle, is actually the most decorated war dog, Sergeant Stubby!"
It looks like Amazon still has close air support available and it comes with free shipping.
"Rod Serling's probably smoking another cigarette and rolling over in his grave."
("Roll cameras. Action!")
Obviously they love the smell of burnt toast in the morning!
"Why not Bil Keane?"
"...indeed..."
"Osama-honey, you didn't actually think anyone fell for that, did you?"
"Just B.A. them, sweetie. They'll run for cover, screaming "ICBM, ICBM!!"
"What did the German army say when Herman Cain demanded they surrender?"
"9-9-9".
"The smiling one wants to hump Muffy."
The Second and Third Amendments exercising the First Amendment.
"This is the end," Alifalfa sobbed, clutching her heaving bosom & pausing only occasionally to scratch her itching left armpit while her sapphire eye, brimming with salty tears, turned helplessly towards the gibbous moon that hung in the brooding sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring. --- Plagerized.
"My German's a little rusty, but they're offering some sort of vacation. A free train ride to go camping. To help with your concentration I think. It's in the scenic Dachau region of Germany."
"Finally, it was Bill Keane."
"Oh, they're from that eastern college with the name like oil or insurance- something about the long, hard hours you put in with those boys."
"Must have something to do with Joe Paterno. Everything does."
"You're the one who didn't put the flag up for Veterans Day."
"With my three, your two, and the dogs two, we ought to be able to accommodate them."
"Nice to have someone watching our backs. Happy Veterans Day, Henry."
Ask them if they know anything about the armor piercing shell that just went through the guest room and killed Grandma.
"I'm haunted by the faces of my veterans."
Jim Cavanaugh
"I hope this retreat comes with a spa."
"It's not that I mind getting invaded by mistake, Stan, it's just I'm not sure that Michele Bachmann is really qualified to be Commander-in-Chief
"I told the colonel what I caught you two doing together."
"Relax, Harry, they're just part of that fucking occupy movement."
"You handle it. I'm reading My Pet Goat."
There's a battle outside and it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls.
For the times they are a-changin'.
"I'm 82, and they have tanks. Ask me again if I shit my pants."
"I'm 83, and they have tanks. Ask me again if I shit myself."
(Edit for the skirt; 1+ year for the funny.)
"Is it an invasion of privacy if you are an exhibitionist?"
"Occupy Czechoslovakia."
"Is this when we thank the troops for our freedom?"
"Look on the bright side: At least we don't have a hippo in our living room."
Can we use your bathroom?
And so the little farmhouse lay right smack on the Soviet Polish border. When asked what country they would like to belong to. The meek vertically challenged farmer replied --- POLAND, I can't take another Soviet winter!
It's the Guestapo. Make them feel at home, honey.
"We probably would have a fighting chance if we had a hippo in the room."
---blw
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