NOTE: Sorry these are so late. There's been a lot of stuff going on. Most important: My dad Al senior passed away a few weeks shy of his 85th birthday. Those who visit this blog regularly will recall that earlier this year I was in Florida for three months hanging with him.We went to Walmart. Home Depot and the Goodwill store where he would lounge on the sofas while I sorted though vinage clothing and $2 CDs. [I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when I called him over to assure I got the senior discount on a Metallica CD.]
We also went to the beach. Talked more than we ever did and ate lobster washed down with wine that he deemed too expensive when I bought it, but great when we drank it. There will be no eulogy for him here or any place else because he thought that kind of thing was bull shit. But still, I can confirm that he died as he lived: with dignity, courage and completely on his own terms. I can also confirm that he will be missed.
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE (TIE)
"...it's like they've never seen colored people before." --Damon
“Doesn’t it feel weird to be the only colored folks on the subway?” --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Although neither of these captions is particularly compelling, they both call attention to the first-time use of color in the caption contest. Even so, on a NYC subway no one cares who you are, what you look like or where you are headed. Kind of like this contest.)
SECOND PLACE
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is either very lazy or enormously insightful. Either way, no one ever enters classic caps verbatim. Until now.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Imagine my surprise getting on the subway and finding another alligator." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could get props in the real contest. But since it's Kathy I know there is a deeper meaning that has sailed over my head)
"I'm not the one who made the allegations! I am not an allegator!"-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the other one would say "That's a crock.")
"Hey! Look at the front page of the Post. 'Headless Spurrier Found in Topless Jar.' We're famous!" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great little spoof on a classic NY Post headline coupled with an esoteric reference to Steve Spurrier, who was once head coach of a Florida college team known as the Gators. I got it, is all I'm trying to prove.)
"And I'm like, 'Fuck you and your fucking ark,' and he's all 'Oh, yeah, eat this, motherfucker,' and I'm like 'I don't mind if I do, dipshit.' And then the old fucker's in 3 pieces and the hyenas and shit are all going nuts, and his wife's all screaming and yelling and crying at us to get off the fucking ark, like we're gonna be bothered by water, for God's sake! Like why the hell were we even on the damn ark?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Riding anNYC subway train you hear things that make this sound like Shakespeare.)
“Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn . . . I just feel so last week.” ---the Hibbing Harbinger (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It still works. Although, to me, the Hibbing Harbinger remains a creature void of form.)
Well, la is too far to swim, and al wants a pair of Crocs for his birthday.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was submitted on my actual birthday [which is also the birthday of Mickey Mantle and Tom Petty], so it is both touching and a bit creepy. I mean, like, how did you know? Thanks, I think.)
104 comments:
"What does Iron Mike Ditka have in common with Sewer Gators? They both have reptile dysfunction!"
"My cloaca's full! I'll never make Flushing Ave!"
Sure I look vicious but trust me, I taste just like chicken.
"These Vandal Squad uniforms are really cool! How're doing on perfecting your death roll?"
I feel perfectly safe in New York. Alligator meat isn't kosher.
"Are those real alligator shoes?"
Man is it stuffy in here.
"...it's like they've never seen colored people before."
"Uncross your legs. Everybody already thinks we're gay."
"Uncross your legs. Everybody already thinks we're gay."
"Brucie, do you know five hundred dollars will get your head blown off? It will!"
“I can deal with the anthropomorphism, but it’s the stares that creep me out.”
“So, I sez to them, ‘If Mrs. Paul McCartney can be on the MTA Board of Directors, then why can’t I?’
Then, BINGO! I’m the first Alligator-American on the MTA Board of Directors!”
“Why, yes, I do have a blog. It’s called Alligator Alley.”
“Uh, oh. Do you have a feeling that they see something and they’re gonna say something?”
“Damn! I forgot to bring something to read.”
“Doesn’t it feel weird to be the only colored folks on the subway?”
"Well, this is my stop. Let's meet again in the future, alligator."
"Yes, I believe this is the dining car."
"It takes so long to get to the outer boroughs that I always appreciate having a snack or two."
"I told you we should have worn clothes."
"Oh sweetie...seriously? Dark gray rain overcoat, grandma's earrings, and no makeup? See these tears? Real."
"Was that 'What time is it?' a crack about the clock ticking in my stomach?"
"Fish, mostly. Sometimes small animals. An occasional dog or child if they get too close. What do you hump?"
"Let's eat the one who was singing 'She Caiman Through the Bathroom Window.'"
"These are the whitest people I've ever seen."
"Every single time I go into Brooks Brothers, they show me a repp tie! I mean. Really!"
"Let's go down to the soap sale at Costco and pick up a crock o' Dial."
"Thank god there's no Mexicans on this car!"
"Sure, it beats the sewer, but I still feel out of place. Are we there yet?"
---blw
"C'mon, we're in San Francisco. It's OK to be naked here."
---blw
Well, la is too far to swim, and al wants a pair of Crocs for his birthday.
Jim Cavanaugh
I never get tired of eating at Subway.
Jim Cavanaugh
"DADT was repealed last month, Lovee. It's just going to take some time."
With husband a Colonel in the Army, I saw an in for a green-suiter comment...
With husband a Colonel in the Army, I saw an in for a green-suiter comment...
"ALRIGHT. Next person who even looks at me gets to watch their decapitated corpse bleed out. Understood!?"
"Next time, let's not stay at a hotel with a luggage convention going on, OK?"
"We've been asked to go down to Times Square and scare some protestors. What else do we have to do on Saturday night?"
"Halloween for me? Let's see. Oh, oh oh...GREEN LANTERN!"
"Who knew there were so many continuing education courses available in the city?"
I credit Wally Gator for paving the way towards social acceptability.
Listen AL- just do what I do- Just think of them as "the other white meat" and you'll do fine.
"I win the bet! I told you that they would let in someone who's green before someone who's black."
"I'd rather have an alligator handjob, than a handbag!"
"I wish you'd stopped saying, Thats a Crock, Thats a Crock!"
"I'd rather have a cloaca in front of me, than a postop episiotomy!"
“Well . . . this is my stop . . . ‘See you later, alligator?’ In a while, crocodile?’ Parting IS such sweet sorrow . . . but I think it’s all been said before.”
---left coast wayne
"Flushing? No, that's not where we got on. That's how we originally got into the sewer system."
"Y'know, you're not the first guy to confuse me with a litigator."
"If that woman doesn't stop staring at me, she's gonna be part of the Occupy My Stomach movement."
"Last time I ordered a Footlong Subway, he turned out to be a double amputee!"
"...and for my birthday I would like a handbag made from human baby skin."
"What does Iron Mike Ditka have in common with Sewer Gators? They both have ereptile dysfunction!"
"I call dibs on the tasty broad across from us."
"Hey! Look at the front page of the Post. 'Headless Spurrier Found in Topless Jar.' We're famous!"
"Hey, lady - want good eats? Tender Touch Daycare for the Blind. All you have to do is bark."
Why so shocked? Just try hailing a cab in this town!
"It's nice to be able to sit down after a long day on my stomach"
"I know people are staring. But you're the one who said 'let's get the F out of Brooklyn'"
"Don't cross your legs Gunther—you look like a gaytor."
dwilk
"Apparently she said to bring your gaiters on the subway with you, not your gators."
"So you're sure? This will take us all the way to Gainesville?"
---blw
"I'm elder Stephen and this is Elder Virgil. Do you believe in salvation and eternal life? Have you ever read Awake! or The Watchtower?......"
"I'll say this for New York: At least they don't call their subway the Metro."
"Jeez. One knucklehead in the subway, and we all get smeared."
"I'm bummed because rock photgrapher Barry Feinstein just died. And the world asks once again, 'Why not Bil Keane?'"
"You are kidding, right!? Why not just have Grandma and that little fuck from Geico play golf with Hitler and Louis Vuitton?"
"I feel dirty."
I'm going back to gator country where the wine and the women are free.
"Subterranean? Check. Homesick? Check. Well, two out of three ain't bad."
We just fucked bin Laden’s bloated corpse and came ashore to brag about it on The Daily Show.
Alligator #1 – You didn’t have to hump the old broad…
Alligator #2 – Well you didn’t have to eat her seeing eye dog.
"Eat both squares, please."
"I'm not the one who made the allegations! I am not an allegator!"
"He was one of us . . . now he's a Bronco??? What's up with Tim Tebow???"
---left coast wayne
“Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn . . . I just feel so last week.”
---the Hibbing Harbinger
Face it lady. With global warming there are going to winners and there are going to be losers.
I feel LACOSTEd by their eyes!
"You can close your legs, Lady. You may smell like fish, but believe ME, I know the difference."
"Are you SURE they're giving me a speaking role in 'Crikey!: The Steve Irwin Story'?"
"Trust me, it's a DundeeL."
"Let's stop at the post office and visit Glenn."
"I don't know about this. Allan said that pantyhose has a different mouth-feel than denim."
Don't you just hate fabric seats in this cold weather?
What do you mean you don't recognize me? You flushed me down the toilet in 1968.
"We're actually going to dinner. Bronx Zoo."
"I love fast food."
"I think we got out of Zanesville just in time."
---left coast wayne
"The sewers are backed up."
Yeah, Baby. We've come a long way from Zanesville, Ohio.
"Imagine my surprise getting on the subway and finding another alligator."
"Perhaps they shouldn't have taken down those signs that said,'La vía del tren subterráneo es peligrosa'."
"I'm haunted by the genitalia of my victims."
"Why'd you quit your piano lessons?"
"How many times do I need to practice the scales?"
"Damn, Lady, you're GOOD. He's the Creole and I'm the Caw-Cajun."
"How'd you like the swamp meat?"
"Kinda' dry."
"Perhaps we'll have better luck at the flea market."
"Next stop, GREENwich Village!"
"Oh my gawd! You wouldn't believe the stench Barney left in the bathroom this morning."
"Doesn't he Ever Glade?"
No, I said we're on our way to a greet and eat.
"We got on the subway so long ago that we've gone though the tube and now we're in the underground."
"Are you sure they're giving me a speaking role in 'CROCky VII'?"
"God! Zilla get off my back?"
"We're very well trained."
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