Monday, October 17, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #307

NOTE: Sorry these are so late. There's been a lot of stuff going on. Most important: My dad Al senior passed away a few weeks shy of his 85th birthday. Those who visit this blog regularly will recall that earlier this year I was in Florida for three months hanging with him.
We went to Walmart. Home Depot and the Goodwill store where he would lounge on the sofas while I sorted though vinage clothing and $2 CDs. [I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when I called him over to assure I got the senior discount on a Metallica CD.]
We also went to the beach. Talked more than we ever did and ate lobster washed down with wine that he deemed too expensive when I bought it, but great when we drank it. There will be no eulogy for him here or any place else because he thought that kind of thing was bull shit. But still, I can confirm that he died as he lived: with dignity, courage and completely on his own terms. I can also confirm that he will be missed.


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE (TIE)

"...it's like they've never seen colored people before." --Damon

“Doesn’t it feel weird to be the only colored folks on the subway?” --Anonymouse
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Although neither of these captions is particularly compelling, they both call attention to the first-time use of color in the caption contest. Even so, on a NYC subway no one cares who you are, what you look like or where you are headed. Kind of like this contest.)


SECOND PLACE
"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is either very lazy or enormously insightful. Either way, no one ever enters classic caps verbatim. Until now.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Imagine my surprise getting on the subway and finding another alligator." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could get props in the real contest. But since it's Kathy I know there is a deeper meaning that has sailed over my head)


"I'm not the one who made the allegations! I am not an allegator!"-- smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To which the other one would say "That's a crock.")

"Hey! Look at the front page of the Post. 'Headless Spurrier Found in Topless Jar.' We're famous!" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Great little spoof on a classic NY Post headline coupled with an esoteric reference to Steve Spurrier, who was once head coach of a Florida college team known as the Gators. I got it, is all I'm trying to prove.)

"And I'm like, 'Fuck you and your fucking ark,' and he's all 'Oh, yeah, eat this, motherfucker,' and I'm like 'I don't mind if I do, dipshit.' And then the old fucker's in 3 pieces and the hyenas and shit are all going nuts, and his wife's all screaming and yelling and crying at us to get off the fucking ark, like we're gonna be bothered by water, for God's sake! Like why the hell were we even on the damn ark?" --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Riding anNYC  subway train you hear things that make this sound like Shakespeare.)

“Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn . . . I just feel so last week.” ---the Hibbing Harbinger (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It still works. Although, to me, the Hibbing Harbinger remains a creature void of form.)

Well, la is too far to swim, and al wants a pair of Crocs for his birthday.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This was submitted on my actual birthday [which is also the birthday of Mickey Mantle and Tom Petty], so it is both touching and a bit creepy. I mean, like, how did you know? Thanks, I think.)

115 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"What does Iron Mike Ditka have in common with Sewer Gators? They both have reptile dysfunction!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"My cloaca's full! I'll never make Flushing Ave!"

boneguy said...

Sure I look vicious but trust me, I taste just like chicken.

Dr Sumguy said...

"These Vandal Squad uniforms are really cool! How're doing on perfecting your death roll?"

boneguy said...

I feel perfectly safe in New York. Alligator meat isn't kosher.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Are those real alligator shoes?"

Anonymous said...

Man is it stuffy in here.

Damon said...

"...it's like they've never seen colored people before."

Ally Gaydar said...

"Uncross your legs. Everybody already thinks we're gay."

Ally Gaydar said...

"Uncross your legs. Everybody already thinks we're gay."

Molly said...

"Brucie, do you know five hundred dollars will get your head blown off? It will!"

Tim H said...

“I can deal with the anthropomorphism, but it’s the stares that creep me out.”

Kathy H said...

“So, I sez to them, ‘If Mrs. Paul McCartney can be on the MTA Board of Directors, then why can’t I?’
Then, BINGO! I’m the first Alligator-American on the MTA Board of Directors!”

Anonymouse said...

“Why, yes, I do have a blog. It’s called Alligator Alley.”

Kathy H said...

“Uh, oh. Do you have a feeling that they see something and they’re gonna say something?”

Tim H said...

“Damn! I forgot to bring something to read.”

Anonymouse said...

“Doesn’t it feel weird to be the only colored folks on the subway?”

smuck said...

"Well, this is my stop. Let's meet again in the future, alligator."

Damon said...

"Wanna put your head in my mouth? Just kidding, sourpuss - you have a vagina. Oooo, I'm terrible!"

Satireguy said...

"Yes, I believe this is the dining car."

Satireguy said...

"It takes so long to get to the outer boroughs that I always appreciate having a snack or two."

Satireguy said...

"I told you we should have worn clothes."

Damon said...

"Oh sweetie...seriously? Dark gray rain overcoat, grandma's earrings, and no makeup? See these tears? Real."

Kathy H said...

"Was that 'What time is it?' a crack about the clock ticking in my stomach?"

Damon said...

"Fish, mostly. Sometimes small animals. An occasional dog or child if they get too close. What do you hump?"

Glenn said...

"Let's eat the one who was singing 'She Caiman Through the Bathroom Window.'"

David Macharelli said...

"These are the whitest people I've ever seen."

Tim H said...

"Every single time I go into Brooks Brothers, they show me a repp tie! I mean. Really!"

LV said...

"Let's go down to the soap sale at Costco and pick up a crock o' Dial."

Steve_O said...

"Thank god there's no Mexicans on this car!"

Anonymous said...

"Sure, it beats the sewer, but I still feel out of place. Are we there yet?"


---blw

Anonymous said...

"C'mon, we're in San Francisco. It's OK to be naked here."


---blw

Anonymous said...

Well, la is too far to swim, and al wants a pair of Crocs for his birthday.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Frankly, it's been a huge relief since I quit trading for Goldman. Those guys are fucking sharks.

Anonymous said...

I never get tired of eating at Subway.

Jim Cavanaugh

Suzanna L. said...

"DADT was repealed last month, Lovee. It's just going to take some time."

Suzanna L. said...

With husband a Colonel in the Army, I saw an in for a green-suiter comment...

Suzanna L. said...

With husband a Colonel in the Army, I saw an in for a green-suiter comment...

M Patinkin said...

"Brushes with fame? I dunno? I fucked Steve Irwin once."

overreacting Scopophobic Gator said...

"ALRIGHT. Next person who even looks at me gets to watch their decapitated corpse bleed out. Understood!?"

Anonymouse said...

"Next time, let's not stay at a hotel with a luggage convention going on, OK?"

AW said...

"We've been asked to go down to Times Square and scare some protestors. What else do we have to do on Saturday night?"

Kathy H said...

"Halloween for me? Let's see. Oh, oh oh...GREEN LANTERN!"

Angus Podgorny said...

"Fuckin' morons from PETA wouldn't believe we were real. You'd think they would at least use eco-friendly paint."

smuck said...

"Who knew there were so many continuing education courses available in the city?"

boneguy said...

I credit Wally Gator for paving the way towards social acceptability.

BLONDE said...

Listen AL- just do what I do- Just think of them as "the other white meat" and you'll do fine.

Steve_O said...

"I win the bet! I told you that they would let in someone who's green before someone who's black."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'd rather have an alligator handjob, than a handbag!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I wish you'd stopped saying, Thats a Crock, Thats a Crock!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'd rather have a cloaca in front of me, than a postop episiotomy!"

Anonymous said...

“Well . . . this is my stop . . . ‘See you later, alligator?’ In a while, crocodile?’ Parting IS such sweet sorrow . . . but I think it’s all been said before.”


---left coast wayne

Glenn said...

"Flushing? No, that's not where we got on. That's how we originally got into the sewer system."

Tim H said...

"Y'know, you're not the first guy to confuse me with a litigator."

Anonymouse said...

"If that woman doesn't stop staring at me, she's gonna be part of the Occupy My Stomach movement."

Hope N. Mysoul said...

"I'd rather have a crocodile my phone than a phony dilly my cock"

Saperstien Jimenez said...

"Then Telly Savalas would say "Hey, Crocker", and I'd be all 'mom, dad he said 'croc', I'm on Kojak', and I'd act and say shit like 'hey, give me a fucking Tootsie Pop, you bald piece of crap', and dad would say 'go to your room, Mailman-spawn'. I just remember those good times and how being a kid was so awesome. Oh, yea, don't even get me started on Ally McBeal"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Last time I ordered a Footlong Subway, he turned out to be a double amputee!"

Steve_O said...

"...and for my birthday I would like a handbag made from human baby skin."

Dr Sumguy said...

"What does Iron Mike Ditka have in common with Sewer Gators? They both have ereptile dysfunction!"

Satireguy said...

"I call dibs on the tasty broad across from us."

Glenn said...

"Hey! Look at the front page of the Post. 'Headless Spurrier Found in Topless Jar.' We're famous!"

Damon said...

"Hey, lady - want good eats? Tender Touch Daycare for the Blind. All you have to do is bark."

boneguy said...

Why so shocked? Just try hailing a cab in this town!

Richard H said...

"It's nice to be able to sit down after a long day on my stomach"

Richard H said...

"I know people are staring. But you're the one who said 'let's get the F out of Brooklyn'"

Anonymous said...

"Don't cross your legs Gunther—you look like a gaytor."

dwilk

Paul said...

Two of us riding nowhere
We're on our way home
We're on our way home
We're going home

Satireguy said...

"Apparently she said to bring your gaiters on the subway with you, not your gators."

Anonymous said...

"So you're sure? This will take us all the way to Gainesville?"


---blw

Gary P said...

"I'm elder Stephen and this is Elder Virgil. Do you believe in salvation and eternal life? Have you ever read Awake! or The Watchtower?......"

Kathy H said...

"I'll say this for New York: At least they don't call their subway the Metro."

Tim H said...

"Jeez. One knucklehead in the subway, and we all get smeared."

Anonymouse said...

"I'm bummed because rock photgrapher Barry Feinstein just died. And the world asks once again, 'Why not Bil Keane?'"

Sam Antic said...

"You are kidding, right!? Why not just have Grandma and that little fuck from Geico play golf with Hitler and Louis Vuitton?"

AW said...

"I feel dirty."

holden_c said...

I'm going back to gator country where the wine and the women are free.

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angus Podgorny said...

"Subterranean? Check. Homesick? Check. Well, two out of three ain't bad."

Homer J Simpson said...

We just fucked bin Laden’s bloated corpse and came ashore to brag about it on The Daily Show.

Alfred E. Neuman said...

Alligator #1 – You didn’t have to hump the old broad…

Alligator #2 – Well you didn’t have to eat her seeing eye dog.

Anonymous said...

"Eat both squares, please."

smuck said...

"I'm not the one who made the allegations! I am not an allegator!"

Anonymous said...

"He was one of us . . . now he's a Bronco??? What's up with Tim Tebow???"


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn . . . I just feel so last week.”


---the Hibbing Harbinger

boneguy said...

Face it lady. With global warming there are going to winners and there are going to be losers.

Utellme said...

I feel LACOSTEd by their eyes!

Harry Mound said...

"You can close your legs, Lady. You may smell like fish, but believe ME, I know the difference."

Utellme said...

"Are you SURE they're giving me a speaking role in 'Crikey!: The Steve Irwin Story'?"

"Trust me, it's a DundeeL."

Glenn said...

"And I'm like, 'Fuck you and your fucking ark,' and he's all 'Oh, yeah, eat this, motherfucker,' and I'm like 'I don't mind if I do, dipshit.' And then the old fucker's in 3 pieces and the hyenas and shit are all going nuts, and his wife's all screaming and yelling and crying at us to get off the fucking ark, like we're gonna be bothered by water, for God's sake! Like why the hell were we even on the damn ark?"

Anonymous said...

"Let's stop at the post office and visit Glenn."

AW said...

"I don't know about this. Allan said that pantyhose has a different mouth-feel than denim."

Anonymous said...

Don't you just hate fabric seats in this cold weather?

boneguy said...

What do you mean you don't recognize me? You flushed me down the toilet in 1968.

Anonymous said...

"We're actually going to dinner. Bronx Zoo."

Quinn the Eskimo said...

"I love fast food."

Anonymous said...

"I think we got out of Zanesville just in time."


---left coast wayne

Lawrence Wood said...

"The sewers are backed up."

Irving R Schyster said...

Yeah, Baby. We've come a long way from Zanesville, Ohio.

Kathy H said...

"Imagine my surprise getting on the subway and finding another alligator."

Anonymouse said...

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Tim H said...

"Perhaps they shouldn't have taken down those signs that said,'La vía del tren subterráneo es peligrosa'."

Glenn said...

"I'm haunted by the genitalia of my victims."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"Why'd you quit your piano lessons?"

"How many times do I need to practice the scales?"

Utellme said...

"Damn, Lady, you're GOOD. He's the Creole and I'm the Caw-Cajun."

Sherlock Holmes' Cousin's Dumber Twin's Half-Sister said...

"How'd you like the swamp meat?"

"Kinda' dry."

"Perhaps we'll have better luck at the flea market."

Take the A (for Alligator) Train said...

"Next stop, GREENwich Village!"

Vanish Dropinzz said...

"Oh my gawd! You wouldn't believe the stench Barney left in the bathroom this morning."

"Doesn't he Ever Glade?"

boneguy said...

No, I said we're on our way to a greet and eat.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, fuck A-Rod. I just love when Ronan Tynan sings God Bless America."

Glenn said...

"We got on the subway so long ago that we've gone though the tube and now we're in the underground."

Utellme said...

"Are you sure they're giving me a speaking role in 'CROCky VII'?"

"God! Zilla get off my back?"

Anonymous said...

"We're very well trained."

The Almighty Jah said...

No. We're not Crocodiles, we're Alligators. Americans... I bet you think all reptiles look the same.

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.