The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #296

NOTE: By now, we are all aware that this cartoon looks an awful lot like a cartoon already used for the caption contest. Yes, it was five short years ago that we met "Evrolet Girl," a scantily clad, pissed-off beautiful giant. She was squatting slightly, holding a car in her left hand while her right hand was strategically positioned in her lower region to shoo away flys and confound Paparazzi. She was shown towering above an auto plant while an auto exec and his son looked on from inside a nearby office window.
The image was framed in such a way that only the last seven letters of the word "Chevrolet" were visible on the building being straddled by the woman. Hence she was forever branded Evrolet Girl (or, alternatively, Evrolet Woman, Evrolet Chick and, inevitably, Evrolet Bitch.) She has popped-up in the Anti-Cap Contest with a regularity that is exceeded only by that crazy bastard Fusilli.
The woman in this more recent cartoon meanwhile, is wearing a similar towel/dress. She holds in her left hand a hapless man while her right hand is also is in a prom-night position. She looks more annoyed than our beloved Evrolet Girl, who is drawn as a more classic beauty. This blatant regurgitation of a caption cartoon is reprehensible. And yes, I wrote a letter to the editor (I really did.).

WINNERS
FIRST PLACEYou managed to stay out of sight for nearly five years, but now a lazy-ass cartoonist has traced you. --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you look at both cartoons, the parallels are remarkable -- and, for the New Yorker braintrust, certainly embrarassing. Walt channeled the sense of betrayal and outrage we all feel into a coherent and slightly funny Anti-Cap. And he did so with a good little pun: "Trace" can mean tracking, copying or a tiny amount [that's why I said "good little." See how it works?] At the New Yorker, "lazy-ass" is to "cartoonist" as "bitter, cynical and condesending" is to this contest. Nice work Walt.)

SECOND PLACE (Tie)
"Fine, take the car! But the curtains and circus tent are mine."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Is it safe to assume the curtains are her fingers and tent refers to her dress? If so, why would he want them and what would he do with them? And is this guy in a position to be dictating terms? This is confusing and dim witted, but it was entered on Sunday evening and I want to prove that I read all of entries right up until the moment that I don't. I also leave room for the possibility that it is really funny but I just don't get it.)

"Can't..... breathe... you're crushing the life.... out..... of me.... and.... it's.... agonizing.... oh crap.... that's.... my cellphone.... can.... i.... take.... this call?" --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A dog with different fleas. This cap does nothing more than poke fun at our servitude to cel phones. I like ellipses [only three dots at a time next time...okay?] and I like the small "i." It's either a type-o or a statement on the guy's low self esteem. Either way, it's good enough to share Second Place--but no better than that.)

THIRD PLACE"No, seriously, it's perspective. I am not bigger than my car. Put me down next to it so I can show you." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A valid point. The man and the car seem to be the same size. But we can chalk that up to artistic license coupled with the fact that the person who submitted this cap had nothing to say. Still, not as bad as running a cartoon that is the mirror image of one that ran five years ago in the hope that no one notices. We notice! And don't taunt me with that "Get-a -life!" shit.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS"Honey, my choice of words notwithstanding, you have to admit it makes fiscal sense for us to shop at a big box store." --Mr. Insensitive Box reference (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like someone driving five miles to save a nickle on gas, this cap goes a long way for a stupid pun. There was an old George Carlin bit where he observed that only in a Disney film could you get away with using "snatch," "box" and "pussy" in the same sentence: As in: "Let's snatch that pussy and put it in a box." He was right you know.)

"Look lady, picking up hitchhikers is illegal. Besides, I'm headed yeast, uh, EAST." --Will Wurkferfuud (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you had only stoped after the word "illegal." The rest is just a gross, terrible pun made worse by the need to insert a rhyming word for "yeast." Even so, the picking up hitchhikers part has merit and I guess a yeast infection might explain the fumes rising up and the woman's sour disposition.)
What's wrong, is there a toll to go through your underpuss?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can't help but wonder how long Jim sat and looked at this on his screen before hitting "submit." Now he can take credit for introducing the word "underpuss" into the lexicon of degenerate lazy thinkers.)
"Babes like you always have the right of weigh." --Turn I. Quet (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It does not look like she is in the mood for sweet talk but the pun is not any worse than the others.)
"Don't worry, Evrolet Girl, Motor Trend magazine isn't always right." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is confusing but it references the previous huge-woman cartoon that is very similar to this one. In fact the person submited with a link to the previous cartoon which was unneccesary since I had already done that with my note next to this week's cartoon. Please pay attention--okay?)
"Please don't hurt me evrolet lady. It was my father who called you a monster." --Rex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references the Anti-Cap winner of that previous cartoon that looks a lot like this one: "Son, All women are monsters." It was picked by the previous judge who appaerently was having a spat with Mrs. Radosh at the time.)
Frustrated, Evrolet girl seeks Ojan man. --Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have no idea what "Ojan man" refers to but Austin knows and that's good enough for me.)

[If one wants to see the comments which were submitted to the original "Evrolet Girl" cartoon back in November 2006, click on the link below. Curiously, the term "Evrolet Girl" can be found nowhere in that week's comments. Apparently, they came later, retrospectively.] --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Teaher's pet and Anti Cap historian, Tim H did some digging and apparently found the old entries for Caption Cartoon No. 77 [aka Everolet Girl]. I say apparently because when I went to the site and tried to get the old entries, it just said "loading..." After what seemed like an enernity [about 10 seconds], I figured "Fuck this. If I want to see crappy caps I can look at this week's." Thanks for nothing Tim.)

Let's just say if the situation were reversed, I would take the thirty seconds to urinate on your house to save it.-- boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: He would, you know. In fairness men have apparatus more akin to a fire hose--at least some of us do.)
"Michele, this officially makes you a more terrifying candidate than Sarah Palin, but just barely."-- Bo Jiden (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With that curvy figure, wind swept brunette hair and angry grimace, the woman in the cartoon does resembal Michele Bachman. Is she a more menacing figure than the former governer of Alaska? You betcha she is! In fact, if Michele is Curly, Sarah is Shemp.)
The whores here are obscenely large. --Daemon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very few classics this week so I will give this props. It is, of course, a riff on the "The hours here are obscene." Classic-wise, I was thinking of something like "No Mr. Bond, I expect to crush you against my thigh." But that would only work if the women was talking and her threat was a bad thing.)
See someone has gotten too big for her britches.--I Married a BBW (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The woman does look as though she has out grown her dress. This is also the case in the cartoon from a few years ago that is almost exactly like this one. Here's my theory: the only way you can get away with drawing a sexy, scantily clad babe in a New Yorker cartoon is to empower her my making her a gargantuan figure who can squeeze the life out of a man. In most New Yorker cartoons that power is only medaphorical. Also what the fuck are "britches?" )
"Leave the shitbag, take the shitbox."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is deeper than it first appears. It is, of course, a riff on "Leave the gun, take the canolis" from GF I. "Shitbox" can be a pejorative discription for a car [you almost never see it in ads] and, when it comes down to it "shitbag" can describe a human. So the man is really saying "Take my car, just don't hurt me." But he is saying it in an Anti-Cap way. Noted.)
"You made it there somehow. You're a big girl now." --Lucky form Malibu (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A great song from "Blood on the Tracks. Legend has it that Dylan wrote it when his wife at the time unexpectedly put on a few extra pounds. It's stands as our requist nod to Bob. Who, by the way, lives in Malibu and went by the alias "Lucky" when he recorded with the Traveling Wilburys. Trying to get this stuff past me is like playing soccer with a beachball and I'm the goaltender.)
♪ ♫ If I ever lose my face in you, there'd be nothing left for me to do... ♫ ♪ --Joe (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We have seen musical notes before. Nothing new there. Still, by replacing "faith" with "face," this wimpy ass song from Sting takes on new meaning, If she did ram the man's face into her buxom body and he suffocated, he would be one lucky stiff.)
Mr Anonymous is hung like a hamster, leaving Mrs Anonymous to find gratification elsewhere.--This Contest Blows (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Blows. Sucks. Bites. Whatever. The hampster is a close cousin of the gerbil and we not a well aware of the vital role gerbils have played in the sex lives of officers, gentleman and American gigolos.)"No, no, you got it all wrong! Carlos Beltrán is much happier, now that he's playing closer to al in la!" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't get me started. I still havn't gotten over the Seaver trade. And please know that I like the Giants only slightly more than I like the Dodgers, and I like the Dodgers only slightly more than I like al-Qaeda. )"Ok, I'm sorry you expected Sir Paul when you clicked the link and all you got was us pointing out our seats an hour before the concert, Jesus. My videos are all about me and my family - you should know that by now, Nancy." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There are many video clips on YouTube that include highlights from the concert. I wanted to make a vid to thank my wonderful sister for flying my wife out from L.A. and giving us tickets to the show. So spare me your idignation. To paraphrase Michael Corleone in GF II: "We're all part of the same hypocrisy, Anonymous. But never think it applies to my family.")
Hey, al, I'm glad you're back, everything's good with your father, and as judge of this contest we have your complete divided attention.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No problem happy to...wait a sec...ESPN highlights..Holy shit I can't believe he caught that!...be back where I can do some good. )
If I promise to judge the anti-cap contest fairly will you put me down? Please!? --alinla (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Meow. Sounds like it was entered by a perenial loser who has been subjected to abuseive comments. [Is that you, Johnny?] I know I did not submit this. In fact I would never submit an entry under "al in la." If it won, everyone would suspect I gave preferential treatment to myself -- which is something I'm prone to do. And if you are looking for fairness try the skin of a debutante because you ain't gonna find it here. )
OK, I'll stop being an asshole! --alinla (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again, this was subbmited by someone who is not me so I feel no oblication to live up to a promise I would never make and certainly can not keep. )