Monday, July 18, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #295

NOTE: Some surprisingly good Anti-Caps, counter-balanced, as usual, by a bunch of crap. (You believe there are three entries that offered a variation on "Tanks for the memories?" It would be nice to think we have advanced beyond that.) There was some pretty good obscure references--naturally I Googled got them all.
Otherwise, my first full week back in Southern California reminded me why I moved here. I was away for 10 weeks. It was nice to go back to NYC and see Citi Field and New Yankee Stadium and eat at my favorite restaurant in Chinatown. Also, if you don't mind the mosquitoes, upstate NY can be gorgeous in the summer. As for South Florida, lets just say it is best to visit during spring training. It is nice to be home.--that's all I'm saying.
As for my dad, I am delighted to report he's doing great in his new place upstate. He swears the food is better than anything I served him during the two months I was his cook, chauffeur and care provider. He would often ask what I was doing when I spent hour after hour on my laptop. I was too embarrassed to tell him I was judging lame-ass anti captions so I simply told him I was watching porn. He was fine with that. Thanks to all those who sent encouraging notes, by the way.


WINNERSFIRST PLACE“The taxidermist refused to stuff the Chink with the shopping bag.” --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Brilliant! Glenn trivializes the heroic act of a Chinese man who stood defiantly in front of tanks dispatched to Tiananmen Square during the 1989 uprising. And yes! The man was indeed holding a shopping bag [from Neiman Marcus, I think]. This cap thus draws on a obscure detail from a heart wrenching historical incident, yet manages to do so while being insensitive and juvenile. You also have to appreciate the accuracy. Taxidermists typically will not work with human remains. Not to quibble, but there was no need to uppercase "chink." "China-man" may have worked better and "student," although less edgy, would have given us some alliteration. Even so, this is the best anti-cap we have seen in weeks.)

SECOND PLACEWell, sir, since Fort Bliss is right next door, I'm pretty sure it IS one of your and the U.S. Army will pay to have my house repaired. ---JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The fundamental premise is worthy of recognition: A tank has crashed through the man's wall -- in the exact spot above the fireplace where there was already a plaque in place. Johnny gets Second Place desite some uncharacteristic sloppiness [it should be "yours" ] and a bit of tortured logic. He also followed this entry with a riff on Dylan's "Masters of War," so it is obvious that Johnny wanted to win very, very badly [which is usually the way he caps.])

THIRD PLACE"That's right. I have a very small penis." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which explains why he has amassed a collection of dead animals and weaponry. Got it. Ironically, tiny caps often have the biggest bang. Remember, short beats long if long is limp.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS
"It's a German Tiger, complete with it's crew of four rotting inside."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gross, ironic and historically accurate. With its powerful 88mm gun and nearly impenetrable front armor, the German King Tiger Tank was one of the most feared weapons of WWII. It was named for a big game animal and manned by crews trained to never surrender, so the tiger part makes sense -- as does the rotting part.)

She insisted on a Panzer and all I could do was Fokker. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gotta give credit: the bone man found a tank name that sounds like a sex act. Further proof that there is a thin line between smart and stupid.)
My son was killed in it. He went to war with the Army he had, not the Army he would like to have had. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rumsfeld is our generation's Rommel, on that much Jim and I agree. But why would a grieving dad erect such a display? Jim goes along way to vent his distain. More impressive than amusing.)
"No, it was a gift." -Harry Whittington --Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The signature makes this one work. Whittington, of course, is the poor bastard who was careless enough to get between Dick Cheney and the defenseless quail he was trying to kill. Harry was rewarded with a face full of buck shot and -- in the most incomprehensible response ever seen in the history of the world -- publically apologized to the man who shot him. This cap suggests that Cheney reciprocated as only he could. Well done.)
You might own guns and you might even own tanks. You might be somebody’s landlord, you might even own banks -- Minny Bob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Dylan's "Serve Somebody," Yes...and? In a bid to gain recognition, Minny Googled "Dylan" and "tanks."That's what I suspect. )
"He went surprisingly far on a half a tank." --Got Gas (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Sunday night entry, which tells us it took this person all week to come up with a lame, obvious pun. It is, I admit, slightly cleaver.)
"He was my C.O. in the Army. His name was Fusilli. And, yes, he was a crazy bastard."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whereas the above entry took all week to hatch, Timmy coughed up this little gem only a few minutes after the contest was posted. It doesn't suck any less, but you have appreciate the expediency.)

Even the swap meets around here are getting pretty corrupt. --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please. This is from an epic Dylan song, "Brownsville Girl." Don't try to out-Dylan me, Aggie. You look like a rookie pitcher trying to sneak a fast ball by a veteran slugger.)
"Don't worry, it's for showin' not for blowin'" --Henry Porter (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whoever submitted this knows that Henry Porter is the character in "Brownsville Girl." Turns out the only thing they knew about Henry Porter was that his name wasn't Henry Porter.)
Al: Methinks everyone is red-faced after posting here, and the term is "mea culpa." So yes, let's be more careful in the future. --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tell ya what: You do the caps. I'll do the comments. Besides copa, culpa -- who the fuck cares? You misquoted Dylan. And that I can not forgive. Now go home and get your shine box.)

108 comments:

Tim H said...

"He was my C.O. in the Army. His name was Fusilli. And, yes, he was a crazy bastard."

Kathy H said...

"I got it for taking out P.E.T.A."

Anonymouse said...

"That's right. I have a very small penis."

Eric G said...

"Tanks for the memories."

Hopeless said...

"...and on the hour, that clock plays Tanks for the Memory."

Hopeless said...

Mea culpa, Eric G. You were too quick on the trigger.

Kathy H said...

"I'm getting one of them there space shuttles next week."

Anonymous said...

"It's a German Tiger, complete with it's crew of four rotting inside."

Dan

Anonymouse said...

"We got it in return for trading Carlos Beltrán, but I have no idea what we're going to do with it."

Minny Bob said...

You might own guns and you might even own tanks
You might be somebody’s landlord, you might even own banks

Kathy H said...

"It gets minus 35 miles per gallon."

Glenn said...

“The taxidermist refused to stuff the Chink with the shopping bag.”

Anonymous said...

"I'm not proud of this, Winston, but I used a bazooka to bring down the rhino too."

PG 13

chucka said...

"Oh don't get so worked up. It's fake!"

Glenn said...

"Part of the Bin Laden Collection. I bid on it for the porn, but that does add a sort of je-ne-sais quoi to the room, don't you think?"

JohnnyB said...

Well, sir, since Fort Bliss is right next door, I'm pretty sure it IS one of your and the U.S. Army will pay to have my house repaired.

JohnnyB said...

You that build the big guns
You that build the death planes
You that build all the bombs
You that hide behind walls,
..that is up until you drove this through mine.

JohnnyB said...

I told you just to mount the head and I wanted to have the body skinned and butchered. You got it all wrong.

Tim H said...

"Boy, these 3-D glasses are great!"

boneguy said...

The season closed for good in 1945.

boneguy said...

I'm thinking of loaning it out if for some reason Rupert Murdoch and Casey Anthony go on a date.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Gotham City HOV lane impound.Great tailgater!"

Anonymouse said...

"...and the beauty part is that it slices, dices and juliennes, as well."

Lance said...

"The wife doesn't know it, but it's got a working vagina in the rear."

Anonymous said...

My son was killed in it. He went to war with the Army he had, not the Army he would like to have had.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"Rent controlled since 1945!"

Anonymous said...

"Couldn't help myself; I've got turret syndrome."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"The bear? Collateral damage from a rectal Schwerpunkt!"

Anonymous said...

"We've been in Afghanistan so long someone needed to light a fire under it."

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

She insisted on a Panzer and all I could do was Fokker.

Anonymous said...

Field Artillery, you crazy bastard! How are you killing them?

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Give it a rest, Cavanaugh. JohnnyB already lapped you.

Anonymous said...

"Here's to killing whatever motherfucker gets in your way."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Hey, Anonymous, I've got something you can lap.

Jim Cavanaugh

The Beatles said...

"Happiness is a warm gun."

Saul Krautsniffer said...

"i'm totally Jonesing for Rommel right now. i admit it"

Anonymous said...

Finally. A cartoon with balls.

slick

Satireguy said...

"It's my wife's trophy. She likes to use armor-piercing bullets."

chucka (cta) said...

"No, no, they'll never be in danger of going extinct."

LR said...

"I like to include tanks for the memories."

LR said...

Oops- replace above comment with:
"No, silly, I used a tanksidermist."

Shitler said...

"I give up! Are we human or are we Panzer?"

Eric G said...

...and if you join me in the bedroom, I'll show you my Howitzer.

chucka said...

"It's from a giant version of Axis and Allies I tracked down in a dusty flea market. Truly, there's nothing like the thrill of being a successful big game hunter."

Gary P said...

"Caterpillar. What did you think it was, an elk?"

J. Dunbar said...

"I only took the outer shell. I left the innards out in the open plains with the other tatanka."

Anonymous said...

"I dunno, I just use it to shoot the shit."

Anonymous said...

"You shoulda seen the nutsack on that one."

Satireguy said...

"That was before I had my eyes tested and I thought it was a giraffe."

smuck said...

"Christ, what an arsenal!"

smuck said...

"Oh, outrageous!"

Dex said...

"Panzer? I barely knew her!"

Utellme said...
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Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

Amazingly, it still smells like Jane Fonda's twat.

- U. Hanoi Mee

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Viagra Falls said...

"The wife says it reminds her of me when I was in college. I'm not sure I get what she means."

Anonymous said...

"My tiger's inside that tank."

Peter Keough

Anonymous said...

"I like it better than that Maxwell Parrish you had hanging there, but I don't know shit about art."


maimed for life

Anonymous said...

"Would it be redundant to have the head of your ex wife hanging waist high?"

Nils Norem

Anonymous said...

"Quite a haul there, Franklin, but can you make it stop playing 'Don't worry, be happy'?"

PG 13

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, I wasn't having much luck with these rifles, so I up and bought this...um, tank."

Tim H said...

"I'll tell you one thing. My defense budget is not being cut."

Eric G said...

"Sure, man, it's got a hemi."

Rich Lather said...

"You bet I'm proud! Having conquered severe myopia,anxiety, and mild dementia I was able to bring down this beautiful Indian elephant"

Anonymous said...

If you look close you can see it's little tanksticles.

Anonymous said...

Tied to bag me a mama grizzly once, but she was impenetrable.

Jim Cavanaugh

Austin said...

"No, it was a gift." -Harry Whittington

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......

David Macharelli said...

"...and this was the tank I used while hunting because, frankly, I'm a giant pussy."

Glenn said...

"Dead I guess. I don't care if it was one of ours or one of theirs. It's on my wall now, bitches."

Angus Podgorny said...

Al: Methinks everyone is red-faced after posting here, and the term is "mea culpa." So yes, let's be more careful in the future.

Angus Podgorny said...

Even the swap meets around here are getting pretty corrupt.

Angus Podgorny said...

Leave it to a guy named Cheney to treat war like a big game.

Angus Podgorny said...

Why should I buy gas? I still have half a tank.

Tim H said...

"Yeah, just let them try to touch my debt ceiling!"

Anonymous said...

"Had mea culpa a drinks before I brought that baby down." Get it!!? MEA CULPA A DRINKS!!! HaHaHaHaHaHa!! Who's your Daddy now!?

Demetrius

Satireguy said...

"And I bagged this Russian one in Afghanistan on a hunting trip with Dan Rather back in the 80s."

James said...

"Speaking of your wall, why is that up yours?"

Anonymous said...

"I got the bear with that."

Henry Porter said...

"Don't worry, it's for showin' not for blowin'"

Kathy H said...

"Sometimes you eat the tank, sometimes the tank eats you."

Anonymous said...

I took it to a tanksadermist.

M. Theresa said...

"You think the tank's cool? I can open beers with the rhino's mouth and the caps land in the ocelot's asshole"

NAMBY said...

"It is old Soviet tank...in Russia, asshole mounts you."

Dex said...

"It's a half-track."

Anonymous said...

"This one took five rounds up the arse."

PG 13

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"That animal had the freshest breath of any dying mammal over 3 tons that I've ever come across. We call it our Spearmint Rhino."

Utellme said...

"We once had the head of a chicken there. The heat from the fire sort of seared off its feathers."

Utellme said...

"The chimney? Uh ..."

Utellme said...

"Yes, Felix had to die, and I hope he rots in HELL!"

Utellme said...

(I'm speaking of the stuffed cat displayed on the table.)

Satireguy said...

"And I finally put this baby down with fifty rounds from my anti-tank rifle."

Anonymous said...

"They mounted the fucker upside down."

Peter Keough

Trooper Bob said...

"In the basement, it came under fire."

Glenn said...

"Dad was almost completely deaf and blind when he took that one down. Thank God for Charlton Heston and the NRA."

Johnny Bench said...

"The trick was catching it in mid-air."

Small Change said...

"Too bad Jiffy Lube doesn't make house calls."

Enebriated said...

"Are we tanked, or what?"

Howitzer Your Mother said...

"Do you know anything about Turrets Syndrome?"

Baboom Shhhh said...

Panzer?hardly even knew her!

Anonymous said...

"I'm a patriot not a sportsman, Hargrove. Shooting animals is just target practice."

Rob

Jess said...

"I never married and I'm in my mid-forties. I guess I wanted something that say's 'HE'S NOT GAY!'"

Grandpa said...

"You can only display them this way because now that them gays can serve openly even the tanks are getting rear-ended."

Andrew said...

After they got rid of gun laws, I started shooting guns with my guns.

Got Gas said...

"He went surprisingly far on a half a tank."

Got Gas said...

"It runs on high test."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.