Otherwise, my first full week back in Southern California reminded me why I moved here. I was away for 10 weeks. It was nice to go back to NYC and see Citi Field and New Yankee Stadium and eat at my favorite restaurant in Chinatown. Also, if you don't mind the mosquitoes, upstate NY can be gorgeous in the summer. As for South Florida, lets just say it is best to visit during spring training. It is nice to be home.--that's all I'm saying.
As for my dad, I am delighted to report he's doing great in his new place upstate. He swears the food is better than anything I served him during the two months I was his cook, chauffeur and care provider. He would often ask what I was doing when I spent hour after hour on my laptop. I was too embarrassed to tell him I was judging lame-ass anti captions so I simply told him I was watching porn. He was fine with that. Thanks to all those who sent encouraging notes, by the way.
WINNERSFIRST PLACE“The taxidermist refused to stuff the Chink with the shopping bag.” --Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Brilliant! Glenn trivializes the heroic act of a Chinese man who stood defiantly in front of tanks dispatched to Tiananmen Square during the 1989 uprising. And yes! The man was indeed holding a shopping bag [from Neiman Marcus, I think]. This cap thus draws on a obscure detail from a heart wrenching historical incident, yet manages to do so while being insensitive and juvenile. You also have to appreciate the accuracy. Taxidermists typically will not work with human remains. Not to quibble, but there was no need to uppercase "chink." "China-man" may have worked better and "student," although less edgy, would have given us some alliteration. Even so, this is the best anti-cap we have seen in weeks.)
SECOND PLACEWell, sir, since Fort Bliss is right next door, I'm pretty sure it IS one of your and the U.S. Army will pay to have my house repaired. ---JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The fundamental premise is worthy of recognition: A tank has crashed through the man's wall -- in the exact spot above the fireplace where there was already a plaque in place. Johnny gets Second Place desite some uncharacteristic sloppiness [it should be "yours" ] and a bit of tortured logic. He also followed this entry with a riff on Dylan's "Masters of War," so it is obvious that Johnny wanted to win very, very badly [which is usually the way he caps.])
THIRD PLACE"That's right. I have a very small penis." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which explains why he has amassed a collection of dead animals and weaponry. Got it. Ironically, tiny caps often have the biggest bang. Remember, short beats long if long is limp.)
"It's a German Tiger, complete with it's crew of four rotting inside."--Dan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gross, ironic and historically accurate. With its powerful 88mm gun and nearly impenetrable front armor, the German King Tiger Tank was one of the most feared weapons of WWII. It was named for a big game animal and manned by crews trained to never surrender, so the tiger part makes sense -- as does the rotting part.)
She insisted on a Panzer and all I could do was Fokker. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gotta give credit: the bone man found a tank name that sounds like a sex act. Further proof that there is a thin line between smart and stupid.)
My son was killed in it. He went to war with the Army he had, not the Army he would like to have had. -- Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rumsfeld is our generation's Rommel, on that much Jim and I agree. But why would a grieving dad erect such a display? Jim goes along way to vent his distain. More impressive than amusing.)
"No, it was a gift." -Harry Whittington --Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The signature makes this one work. Whittington, of course, is the poor bastard who was careless enough to get between Dick Cheney and the defenseless quail he was trying to kill. Harry was rewarded with a face full of buck shot and -- in the most incomprehensible response ever seen in the history of the world -- publically apologized to the man who shot him. This cap suggests that Cheney reciprocated as only he could. Well done.)
You might own guns and you might even own tanks. You might be somebody’s landlord, you might even own banks -- Minny Bob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Dylan's "Serve Somebody," Yes...and? In a bid to gain recognition, Minny Googled "Dylan" and "tanks."That's what I suspect. )
"He went surprisingly far on a half a tank." --Got Gas (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Sunday night entry, which tells us it took this person all week to come up with a lame, obvious pun. It is, I admit, slightly cleaver.)
"He was my C.O. in the Army. His name was Fusilli. And, yes, he was a crazy bastard."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whereas the above entry took all week to hatch, Timmy coughed up this little gem only a few minutes after the contest was posted. It doesn't suck any less, but you have appreciate the expediency.)
Even the swap meets around here are getting pretty corrupt. --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Please. This is from an epic Dylan song, "Brownsville Girl." Don't try to out-Dylan me, Aggie. You look like a rookie pitcher trying to sneak a fast ball by a veteran slugger.)
"Don't worry, it's for showin' not for blowin'" --Henry Porter (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whoever submitted this knows that Henry Porter is the character in "Brownsville Girl." Turns out the only thing they knew about Henry Porter was that his name wasn't Henry Porter.)
Al: Methinks everyone is red-faced after posting here, and the term is "mea culpa." So yes, let's be more careful in the future. --Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tell ya what: You do the caps. I'll do the comments. Besides copa, culpa -- who the fuck cares? You misquoted Dylan. And that I can not forgive. Now go home and get your shine box.)