Monday, March 21, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #280

(I am sorry but this came out as one big block of type. No time to fix. True Anti-Cappers will barely notice.)............................................................................................ Note: For the first time in the history of this contest, the entries are being judged from above. While that may have, in the past, been figuratively true, I am actually writing this while flying home on a US Airways flight from Philly to L.A. [This is not to be confused with the judge being high when commenting, but let's not split hairs.] Luckily, I cut and pasted the least crappy caps to a word file before taking off and am working on that for as long as my battery holds-up. . . It turns out US Airways has wi-fi "available" on its flights, but it's $12.95. Pro-rated over a month that comes to like $1,540. Add in a few $6 beers and some of those $7 little bottles of booze and it starts to run into real money. Screw that, I figure. (The wi-fi, I mean, not the booze which is necessary to do this.) . I do like the novelty of doing this on a plane. I feel like I am multi-tasking and using what would otherwise be useless down time to do something that’s inconsequential but expected of me. Besides I can never sleep, read or watch movies on a plane. Usually I doodle and drink. Also without Mrs. al in la, the "Mile High" club isnearly impossible. Also of note: The number of entries seems to be dipping. This is the second consecutive week where the contest did not surpass the 100 mark. I honestly have no problem with this. (Think about it, if fewer people are throwing-up, why would the janitor mind?) On any given week at least one-third of the caps are pointless and boring—and when Johnny B spits up his baker’s dozen I feel like I need hip-boots to wade through. Still, I must consider the possibility that the popularity of the Anti-Cap is slipping. I accept that. Even “Gunsmoke” finally went off the air. But if you want to hype the contest using Facebook or Twitter, feel free. We could use some new blood. Besides, if we get new players it my mean less ridicule for the regulars. WINNERS FIRST PLACE. For fucks sake, man, buy a suit like the rest of us.--Austin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This stands out like a beacon in a swamp of banality. It is well-placed satire, mingled with irony and social commentary. It suggests that repugnant behavior is frequently the domain of men in suits. Austin--who's been around the block a time or two-- knows this is true--unfortunately he didn't know that "fuck's"should have an aposthrophy.) SECOND PLACE Darth Suit and Obi-Wan contemplate the latest iteration of the Galactic Empire's Collective Bargaining Agreement. --2dumPO (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here we have Sci-Fi mingled with Karl Marx: A rare narrative cap that makes a commentary on management's greed and insensitivity. Possibly a comment on the NFL’s labor situation. May also be the first time we've seen the word "iteration" in this contest. This is very insightful and creative. Why didn't it win? Because as you know [or should know] I'm a Trekie--not a Jedi.) THIRD PLACE “Just like a frog to bring a guillotine to a fraudulent disclosure of earnings burning.”--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, of course, is a riff on the Sean Connery character's classic line from "The Untouchables." Kind of works--although I don't really see a frog under the hood and the joke makes no sense. And if the earnings report is being burned, it’s not being disclosed, is it dwilk? Actually, this cap sucks!) HONORABLE MENTIONS “My last editor wasn’t quite so cutting.”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whether it's the existence of standards, miss-placed anger, or feelings of inadequacy, some editors can be very heavy handed. That's what this cap says.) "Have you ever considered, sir, the many advantages of owning a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica®?" --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I honestly don't get this one, but I suspect it is funny or ironic or something. Tim also continues to impress us by adding a trademark symbol AND italics. Someday he'll do those things and offer an interesting cap. Someday.) "I'm going to miss this when we go paperless." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When that happens, the guy in the hood can go back to down-loading porn and sending out viruses on the internet--when he is not rooting for his beloved Boston Red Sox, I mean.) Antoinette finally got me the "Cake Eater" report --Francois (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The pieces are in place, but where's the pay-off? Are we to assume the masses are being put to death, or is it that Marie Antoinette now sees the folly of her ways? Also, given the propensity of poor people who are also chubby, wasn’t the “let them cake line” more of an observation than a cold-hearted aside?) "I want them all decaptionated."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Get it? Good! Cause I sure don't. Still, dwilk is like a veteran slugger who gets the benefit of the doubt when there's a close pitch. The best I can figure, the guy in the hood in an intern at the New Yorker whose job it is to get the cartoon’s ready for publication in the contest.) "Done testing? We have to haul that thing up the beanstalk for a bris at noon!" --David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Gross! I once went to a bris because I heard there would be lox and bagels. I made the mistake of watching the rabbi preform the procedure. From that day forward, I would never look at a pencil being sharpened the same way.) Nice work Death. Here's the Sendai phone book.-- Blue Oyster (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is stupid. First, no one uses a phone book anymore--especially not in tech-savvy Japanese. And while the concept may be topical, the Reaper would not shred the names of his intended victims. Also I never liked that song.) "And here's the New Testament. When can I pick them both up?"--xs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short yet deep. In a week where there were scant few Dylan references, this reminds me of a line from the song "Slow Train Comin'" which chastises "all-night-believers and men-stealers talkin' in the name of religion." People with an agenda will often manipulate religious doctrine to their advantage--that's what this tells us.) "I'm here to remind you that HR's position is that yelling "Hassan Chop!" is both racist and inappropriate. You should be referencing Napoleon Bunny-Part." -David (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is confusing, but it appears some thought went into it. Also, does HR ever say "Yes, it was racist, but highly appropriate?") I don't that that's what the attorney meant when he asked you to execute the contract. [A FEW MINUTES LATER] Previous cap should have said:"I don't think that's what the attorney meant when he asked you to execute the contract."(Note to self: don't cap before second cup of coffee) --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don’t you hate it when someone posts a dull, listless, unimaginative and very lame Anti-Cap—then goes back to tiddy-it-up? Eric, how about this: “I see you have decided to execute that contract.” Still a dumb pun but you can almost hear the rim-shot.) "Oh, and bring me the heading of alfredo-in-la."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The “heading” could be a reference to info included on a blog, but this is another cap that I don’t really get. I know it evokes my alias so what was I gonna do, ignore it?) "Origami, you crazy bastard!" --Paper Boy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Japanese art to which you refer involves folding paper—not cutting it. Also, where is the rest of this classic cap? [See comment below.] ) "Feel shreddy, you crazy bastard...." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't give me that dot, dot, dot, shit. What do I have to do to get you people to add the "How are you part?" Is it really that hard? ) Christ, what a neck hole.--Jim Cavanaugh (Sorry al, I'm trying to quit) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to the dozens of people who read this blog--and the billions of people who don’t but could easily reach into their asses and come up with better stuff than this. You know the difference between you and a crack-head, Jim? Crack-heads make me laugh.) Has Liz Taylor been through here?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What? Why would you suggest this graceful and wonderful actress be subjected to decapitation? Just when I think you have posted the lamest shit possible, you out do yourself. RIP, Liz.) These are my pages from back in the day. I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now.--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Count on Johnny B. to class it up with a touch of Bobby D. The song you quote “My Back Pages,” also says “good and bad, I define these terms, quite clear no doubt somehow…” And that, my friend, is the standard I use to judge the Anti-Cap.) Here you go, al. How's the new Johnny B. Decaptionater working out?--alas poor Johnny B. (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No need. The technology is redundant. The machine to which you refer is better known as the “Del” button on my keyboard.) "I don't care if you're haunted by the pages of your victims- just shred!" [A FEW MINUTES LATER] Apologies to Johnny B.- just saw your post. As penance:"After these take my head, for I am an unwitting plagiarist."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If “unwitting” is the same as “witless” you are correct. Yes, there a special place in hell for those who steal ideas from the creatively impoverished, but in this case it would be petty larceny at best.) "Sorry, but as a public servant, this new budget has cut your position."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There are many politicians in our great country who would do away with food, water and shelter before firing the executioner. Killing people is what makes us a civilized society. Maybe someone needs to beat that into your stupid head.) Great service. And I thought lugging a cello around by subway was a giant pain in the ass.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Almost but not quite a good cap. We have all seen people lugging big things on the subway. Maybe “schlepping” would have worked better than lugging. Maybe “inflatable lovemate” would worked better than cello.) "Spielberg sent me to see you about 'processing' my movie script. If I understood him correctly, I will get ten cents for every twelve tickets sold!" --smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes a statement on how people in Hollywood get screwed over by “the man.” A few years ago cops caught a stalker on Spielberg’s estate. He had with him duct tape and handcuffs. Maybe he was a writer coming to collect.He didn’t get anywhere near his intended victim, not this time anyway.) "Great visual aid! This will definitely help al with the difference between cleaver and clever." --Hit the Bawel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One is a sharp comment and the other is a sharp knife. I know this, but my spell check does not. ) "The bicycle messenger wants it velo bound."-- Coup D. Coeur (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This references a niche brand. It could be a brazen product-placement cap. I am open to that. Let’s talk. I accept Pay-Pal.) Here's another week's worth, al.---Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice one Rocko. Trouble is, they are not dropped off in one bunch, they drift in slowly like refugees. Many are hungry. Almost all of them smell bad. Your metaphor also suggests that I chop-up the caps. I process them—not unlike a cow processing grass)

98 comments:

Austin said...

You know what to do with these mortgages, right?

Austin said...

For fucks sake, man, buy a suit like the rest of us.

Igor said...

What Hump?

Shred G. Sanford said...

This new job-share is Bullshit!

Francois said...

Antoinette finally got me the "Cake Eater" report

Kirby said...

I know ,Richard.Timesheets in on time this month or heads will roll!!

Anonymous said...

"I want them all decaptionated."

dwilk

Steve_O said...

"I'm going to miss this when we go paperless."

Eric G said...

I don't that that's what the attorney meant when he asked you to execute the contract.

Eric G said...

Previous cap should have said:

"I don't think that's what the attorney meant when he asked you to execute the contract."

(Note to self: don't cap before second cup of coffee)

JohnnyB said...

Just cut any black people out of these cartoons before I send them to the New Yorker.

JohnnyB said...

I am haunted by the pages of my victims.

JohnnyB said...

I was told to give these to Guy O'Teen.

JohnnyB said...

These are my pages from back in the day. I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now.

Damon said...

"Here's a list of two thousand reasons why dressing like an emo douche after age twenty doesn't get you laid. Enjoy."

smuck said...

Ah, you must be the engineering department. Please cut each of these 8.5 by 11 inch sheets of paper into four strips of 4 by 32 inches. And if they happened to end up encrusted in diamonds, that would be great too. Thanks.

Steve Cabeza said...

"I assume removing this document's header won't be a problem"

1 hour fan said...

"Can you selectively remove the N-word from this copy of Huck Finn? Mark Twain just isn't dead enough yet."

Anonymous said...

"Oh, and bring me the heading of alfredo-in-la."

Rob

CABE said...

These are my taxes,
now do me a favor and get it over with.

One of those Crazies said...

"Mr. Obama wants you to 'take care' of the US Constitution."

Bill Lumbergh said...

Did you get the memo about the TPS reports?

Anonymous said...

Here's another week's worth, al.

Rocko

boneguy said...

Get these to the Tokyo office ASAP.
Given the prevailing winds they should get them in about 7 months. God, I love working for Old School Retro Corp.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, we're cutting off the headshots of that paper tiger Gaddafi."

xs

ShoeBdoBdoBox said...

"Hey, these shoes don't fit me. Maybe you can use them."

Lop said...

"Here, my op-Head piece got rejected"

Damon said...

"Get rid of this for me. I've already got `Marie Antoinette' on my Kindle."

Damon said...

"Finished going through your resume. Too long. For starters, I'd leave out the part about you circumcising black men."

Blue Oyster said...

Nice work Death. Here's the Sendai phone book.

Anonymous said...

"I want French mats on each of these too."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

What does he expect, a democratic East Libya? What? Yes, this situation is incongruous. Anyway, like I was saying . . .

-Carol Lou Ellen

2dumPO said...

Darth Suit and Obi-Wan contemplate the latest iteration of the Galactic Empire's Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Grandma said...

"Let's see. We just killed his son. We killed his 3-year-old daughter 25 years ago. Wouldn't it be more civilized to just put Gadhafi's schvanstuka in this guillotine?"

Pi Lo Faith said...

You got Files on Gill?

Anonymous said...

"Do you even read these manuscripts while you're editing them?"

Rob

Anonymous said...

There won't be a 'necks' time!

Anonymous said...

"Atlas Shrugged. No mercy."

xs

Tim H said...

How Chop Sue-y Was Invented

Kathy H said...

"The publisher loved your book, Heads, You Lose: The Autobiography of a Gay Blade."

Anonymouse said...

"Sorry, but as a public servant, this new budget has cut your position."

Kathy H said...

"Nope. The IRS said that your diamond-encrusted blade is not a business-related expense."

David said...

"I got you an interview at the Carnegie Deli."

David said...

"Done testing? We have to haul that thing up the beanstalk for a bris at noon!"

Anonymous said...

Belated St. Paddy's day wishes for Mr. Gill O'Teen.

Irishman

boneguy said...

Fucking Hobbyists.

Anonymous said...

I miss the death penalty, too. Why don't you move to Texas?

Jim Cavanaugh

Hit the Bawel said...

"Great visual aid! This will definitely help al with the difference between cleaver and clever."

Anonymous said...

"C'mon, coach Belichick. Do you really think the Jets have copies of these playbooks?"

xs

Anonymous said...

"I found it! The original manuscript for Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity-Surveying."

Bev

Paper Boy said...

"Origami, you crazy bastard!"

Anonymous said...

"Book 'em, Daneau."

dwilk

Tim H said...

"It's my recipe for Nutty Salmon en Papier."

Anonymouse said...

"Be careful handling this. I just got a paper cut."

Anonymous said...

Has Liz Taylor been through here?

Jim Cavanaugh

Kathy H said...

"Here. And make sure it goes in the GREEN recycling bin this time."

Tim H said...

"After you're done with this can you shorten my pants cuffs a tad?"

boneguy said...

Great service. And I thought lugging a cello around by subway was a giant pain in the ass.

Satireguy said...

"And after this pile you can decapitate yourself. We just got a new Royal Powershred HT700X."

reid savid said...

"When you get a sec, the Guttenburg7500X is jammed again."

Typo said...

"This is full of boldface lies, so I want you to reduce the font."

Medium Rare said...

"I couldn't find a square jpeg, but I like your round hole."

Anonymous said...

“Just like a frog to bring a guillotine to a fraudulent disclosure of earnings burning.”

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"You know, I was thinking. My wife has excruciating neck pain."

Rob

Anonymous said...

Ever-evolving, William Shatner discovers pre-nups while Robert Blake just can't shake his thoist for moider

Kathy H said...

"Good news. Consumer Reports here rates your guillotine as 'Acceptable with Reservations.'"

Tim H said...

"Yes, I totally agree. This Spring, black is the new black."

Anonymouse said...

"Look. The union says you have to take a break after every three executions."

Anonymous said...

"Feel shreddy, you crazy bastard...."

David said...

"I'm here to remind you that HR's position is that yelling "Hassan Chop!" is both racist and inappropriate. You should be referencing Napoleon Bunny-Part."

Upper Management said...

"Read this and then shred it, you fucking douche!"

Satireguy said...

"I'm just telling you that you don't need to collate them first."

Austin said...

You've been served.

Anonymous said...

"And here's the New Testament. When can I pick them both up?"

xs

Anonymous said...

Next year we'll fill out our brackets online.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Here you go, al. How's the new Johnny B. Decaptionater working out?

alas poor Johnny B.

Anonymous said...

Christ, what a neck hole.

Jim Cavanaugh
(Sorry al, I'm trying to quit)

Shelly said...

"I don't care if you're haunted by the pages of your victims- just shred!"

Shelly said...

Apologies to Johnny B.- just saw your post. As penance:
"After these take my head, for I am an unwitting plagiarist."

Steve_O said...

"If this doesn't work out, my synagogue needs a new mohel."

Steve_O said...

"Sorry things didn't work out in HR."

Satireguy said...

"I just don't want these to end up becoming the next Pentagon Papers."

Tim H said...

"Have you ever considered, sir, the many advantages of owning a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica®?"

Anonymous said...

"Im told you can make a hella pop-up book out of this."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"You know, I was thinking. My wife has execruciating neck pain."

Rob

Anonymous said...

“My last editor wasn’t quite so cutting.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Wait, that thing drops a grand total of about 3 feet. How does it get enough momentum to cut through anything?"

Anonymous said...

Here's the Pat's last game plan, since they couldn't execute it.

Rocko

Austin said...

How Charlie Sheen won his last part in a television show, tentatively titled "Three Men."

Anonymous said...

"And everybody knows that a real guillotine blade's angle is 45 degrees, not the 30 degrees pictured here. Back the drawing board Dernovich!"

xs

Eric G said...

Suffice it to say we won't accept their terms.

smuck said...

"Spielberg sent me to see you about 'processing' my movie script. If I understood him correctly, I will get ten cents for every twelve tickets sold!"

Oyitz Humid said...

"Sweet, free circumcision! Can I at least leave you a tip?"

Glenn said...

"Look, you're going to have to drop that thing more than a few hundred times; this is really sensitive information."

Coup D. Coeur said...

"The bicycle messenger wants it velo bound."

Satireguy said...

"And after this, I'd like you to shred our VP of Human Resources."

Anonymous said...

And if my thought-dreams could been seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.

Xavier said...

Belated St. Paddy's day wishes for Mr. Gill O'Teen. Irishman

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.