Sunday, March 27, 2011

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #281


Note: For some reason, there was a sudden surge or interest in the contest. We received 159 entries last week--an all time high for a one-week contest. Most of them were awful. The unexpectedly large number of caps put pressure on the staff here at Anti-Cap HQ to process them all and craft comments that are likely to make Kathy H. smile a knowing smile and put JohnnyB in his place.

Sorry I didn't get these posted until Wednesday evening but that is only because I had other shit to do they were all carefully considered. As I have said before, I don't really care how many entries come in, but it would be nice if you people put some effort into making them funny or ironic or some how worthwhile. (And, yeah, I'm talking to you JohnnyB!)


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE:..."Ah. Now those `U' `C' `K' `E' and `D' poles we saw make more sense."-- Damon. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Scratch the surface and this cap is a commentary on crass materialism and our lack of values. The couple impulsively bought a bunch of shit they don't need now they wander aimlessly in a desert of dispare--which is a metaphor for credit card debt. Added plus: It would never see the light of day in the real contest. Nice one Damon )


SECOND PLACE: ..."Fucking Mall of Arabia."--xs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short and cute. The Mall of America is a grostesquely garganuan shopping mecca with a huge parking lot. Saudi Arabia has a big desert where women are not permitted to drive a car and men wear dresses.)


THIRD PLACE:..."I was expecting Jesus to start carrying at least one of us about 3 miles back."--Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This calls attention to the footprints. Strangely they look as though the couple where attached at the hip and meandered across the desert with little baby steps. I found that weird--and yes I know the cap harkens back to a footprint metaphor about God carrying your flabby ass when you are down and out.)


HONORABLE MENTIONS


"That was really bright leaving Sparky in the car. Hell, at least we've got buns and relish. Hey! We can try out your new Remington!" ---O. Aces (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests they left their pet in the car and he became a hot dog. Like most responsible pet owners, these two will now dine on their dog to assure he did not die in vain. There is some good advice here especially for people with annoying dogs that bark too much.)



"Honey, sorry I shoved your handicapped placard up your stupid repetitive ass yesterday. I just could take another version of your joke"

Correction: "..crammed..."

Correction: I meant "nose"

Correction: swap 'iteration' for 'version'

Correction: Make it "I'm not sorry at all

"Bear with me, it's going to be worth it.

Correction: The joke simply is not that funny in any form{Deleted by author}-- Sam Antic 2 minutes Sam Antic said... "Sorry that was mean-Kirk" (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you are scoring at home this is good natured ribbing in the form of parody. It's is not at all funny but we can see that a lot of thought went onto it.)

"Remember that stupid shopping cart with the wheels that lock up once you're 100' feet from the entrance? I left the car keys in it." --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not at all funny or interesting. Pretty pathedic actually. Stll, once when I ventured into the "forbidden zone" with one of these carts, the wheels stopped so adruptly that my thumb jammed agaist the handle. It hurt like hell and there was a black spot on my thumb nail that remained for months. That's what this made me think about.)


“Relax, Harry. We’re flying Southwest standby and I brought plenty of food."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I will just say what a lot of regulars are thinking: we expect better from you, dwilk. )


Christ, Sendai was here when we parked. --Sue Nami (JUDGE'S COMMENT: But wouldn't there be debris and carnage? That would make it funnier.)


"see."-- reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get this but I like the minalmist approch. )


"The dog?"--reid savid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ditto. )


Are you sure this is where you left last week's contest, al? What the F? --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Completely by accident, Johnny has offered a very enlightened entry. The search for an outstanding Anti-Caption is not unlike wandering in a barren parking lot carrying a bunch of baggage while strangers make fun of you. )


Worst...Sand Trap...EVER.-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bold face type? A word in all caps? Italics? A witless and puzzling observation with little revelance to the cartoon? [I don't see any golf clubs, do you?] Kathy, I knew it was you well before I got to the signature.)


"I do not want to be late for the Bob Dylan and The Law conference at Fordham."-- Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link verifies that there is such an event planed. Way to stay on top of things, Tim. Remember, to live outside the law you must be honest.)


It's "F" for "Fusilli", you crazy bastard. How are you going to find the car?-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We were hoping the "F" might stand for "Funny." As always, thanks for playing Johnny.)


"Yeah, Herb, I remember. My personal said I liked to go for long walks in the fucking sand."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This really works if you imagine Herb has died and gone to hell. His eternal damnation involves shopping and wandering the desert in search of some woman's lost car. Otherwise it's not funny.)


"You know, Jeffy, as stupid as your dotted line pathway was when you were young, it's even stupider now." --Why Not BK (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Edgy and slightly esoteric, but not really funny. Whoever submitted this shows a pretty good familiarity with The Family Circus. That's something he or she will have to live with. Personally, I believe the Sunday cartoon strips that have Jeffy wandering about are the best thing Bil has ever done.)


"Even money says that the F train doesn't stop here anymore."-- Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the longest and thereby most unreliable train line in NYC. As always, Kathy provided a completely unnecessary link. )


"Just because it's Ford's ticker symbol doesn't mean our Lincoln is shot." --His Story Repeats Itself (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A ticker symbol has to be three letters but Lincoln was indeed shot, so there is something here.)


"I had no idea this LAX was so huge! I hope we didn't miss Al's flight from Philly." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Thanks for noticing K.H. It was a long and uncomfortable flight following a difficult week, but Mrs. al in la was waiting at LAX in a pick-up truck to take me home. )


"Ever wonder about the power of just one word? I mean, I would think that the word 'nearly' in the sentence '...without Mrs. al in la, the "Mile High" club is nearly impossible.' might be a bit problematic back home. But, hey, maybe that's just me." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It IS just you. Sex on an airplane is never completely impossible. Nuff said. )


"Wow, look at all those rats. You're like the Pied Shopper of Douchelin. And, where are the kids anyhow?" --Hairy Hamelin (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The footprint do look a bit like rats. They certainly don't look like footprints.)


Well al, I guess looking for the car and judging the anti-cap contest are like cleaning out the litter box. You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the occasional nugget.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Comparing a winning Anti Cap to a lump of dried cat shit diminishes the cat shit.)


"You couldn't park 'handicapped' just this once, huh?" A FEW MINUTES LATER: (what I meant was) "You couldn't park in 'handicapped' just this once?" --O. Aces (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once again we see someone swing back to fix a crappy cap. The second one isn't any better. And why is it okay for handicapped people to park in our spaces but we are demonised if we park in one of "their" spaces?)


Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. Lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Cavanaugh never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. JohnnyB wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.--Carol Lou Ellen (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This makes no sense but I believe Carol is new to the contest so I want to encourage her. It's good, Carol. It's good what you did! Now wish it into the corn field.)


"All you have to do is find the car. I have to say something insensitive, funny and cryptic that al will get."--xs (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon. Is that too cryptic for you?)


I can't figure out where everyone went. I worked hard to take over this anti-caption hosting. I've spent countless minutes crafting demeaning insults about those with the temerity to participate and made it clear that I am bored and dissatisfied with this task I coveted. Why the number of entries has dropped and this now seems like a barren desert with all the joy sucked out of it, I cannot fathom. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is so much wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Bottom line, I would never use the word "fathom" and we had over 150 entries. I guess the "B" stands for bitter.)


If Johnny B. were to edit his previous entry to make the 25-word limit it would probably be:Pound sand al.---Notjohhnyb (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Either JohhnyB don't like to play by no stinkin' rules or he never learned to count. Either way I'm fine with it. He's one of my favorite Anti Cappers and, paradoxically, the least talented.)

159 comments:

reid savid said...

"see."

grandma said...

"'F' as in 'Fuck you, Honey'"

reid savid said...

"I meant B."

Mike Mariano said...

"Muttsy should be fine; I left the window rolled down. And he's a scorpion."

JohnnyB said...

In a post-apocalyptic Disney World, only the F and cockroaches will survive

JohnnyB said...

Are you sure this is where you left last week's contest, al? What the F?

Anonymous said...

"The ice cream's starting to melt, and I'm thirsty and have to go to the bathroom."

Rob

Damon said...

"It's a good thing you bought all that Massengill. We're gonna be thirsty."

Glenn said...

Fail

Anonymous said...

"F-YOU!, you stupid bastard. Where the fuck are we?"

xs

Tim H said...

"Well, we finally found the memorial to Frankie Frisch, 'The Fordham Flash.'"

Kathy H said...

Worst...Sand Trap...EVER.

Anonymouse said...

"Now, where the hell did I bury The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #280?"

JohnnyB said...

What I meant to say was:
"In a post-apocalyptic Disney World, only the F 'n' cockroaches will survive."

Tim H said...

"I do not want to be late for the Bob Dylan and The Law conference at Fordham."

Anonymous said...

"And your carrion will be one less set of footsteps if we don't locate the goddamn car soon."

dwilk

David said...

"I thought they said the radiation was at 'Harmless' levels?

Richard H said...

"I really could swear right now."

Richard H said...

"I told you back there it wasn't worth walking all this way to the sign."

JohnnyB said...

It's "F" for "Fusilli", you crazy bastard. How are you going to find the car?

JohnnyB said...

And this is where I am haunted by the faces of my victims. Over by the "G", I am haunted by their gonads.

Anonymouse said...

[Sorry, JohnnyB. I inadvertently appropriated your "Where's-last-week's-Contest?' riff.

My...how you say?...bad.

Signed, Anonymouse (not my real name)]

Kathy H said...

"Well. For your information, when we started this walk on The Strip in Vegas, these high heels were very appropriate footwear."

Roger Kaputnik said...

So we must be in the Scratchy lot.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, Herb, I remember. My personal said I liked to go for long walks in the fucking sand."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Mall of Arabia."

xs

Freddie Fender Farrah FFFFF said...

"This is obviously where the Fantastic Four park. Get it, FF?! What? Would you have preferred a finger fuck joke? I've always hated you. F-F-F-F-F-F-F."

Why Not BK said...

"You know, Jeffy, as stupid as your dotted line pathway was when you were young, it's even stupider now."

Steve_O said...

"Wait a minute...didn't we take the bus here?"

Satireguy said...

"You're the one who insisted on taking the camel today."

Anonymous said...

"Is that our carcass up ahead?"

Bev

Hairy Hamelin said...

"Wow, look at all those rats. You're like the Pied Shopper of Douchelin. And, where are the kids anyhow?"

Anonymous said...

"Oh-oh . . . I think we left the kids back at 'A'."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"We may be a long way from the New Yorker, but I bet you they’ll have an F-ing lifeguard sitting up there in no time.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“No need to panic. I’m a photographer. This is what we call an ‘F-stop’.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

You're about a sand wedge away from a lifetime of celibacy.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"It's a nice beach, but a long way to the 'C' . . . which is where I think we parked."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I'm bored and want to start dating other men."

xs

Steve_O said...

"Is it too soon to start drinking our own urine?"

Eric G said...

You could be more direct and just ask me for a blowjob.

Steve_O said...

"That's right, Max, I'm pregnant. Your stupidity has killed not only me but also our unborn child."

Eric G said...

If it's any consolation, I have a camel toe.

Kathy H said...

"Even money says that the F train doesn't stop here anymore."

boneguy said...

Look Honey, another great turnout for this year's "Celebration of Global Warming" festival.

Anonymous said...

I think contest #280 was a mirage.

Anonymous said...

Well al, I guess looking for the car and judging the anti-cap contest are like cleaning out the litter box. You have to sift through a lot of sand to find the occasional nugget.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Take a good look. It's going to be a long time before you see any more effing.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

I guess it was inevitable. They've dropped everything on Libya except the F-bomb.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

“Well, at least we’re not lost. We know we’re at ‘F’.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“I appreciate the ‘F’, but I’d feel a whole lot better if there was an arrow that said, ‘You are here’.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“You wait by the ‘F’, honey. I need to check Macy’s return policy.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Quit bitching. You’re the one who said park at ‘Z’ so we’d be sure to remember where we left the car.”


---left coast wayne

reid savid said...

"I cracked the window for them."

reid savid said...

"The baby should be fine."

Blonde said...

Sooooooooooooooooo Dan- where the F~ are we?

reid savid said...

"The dog?"

reid savid said...

"There it, seriously...just kidding."

reid savid said...

you know what I meant

Save the Males said...

"One hump or two?"

Teddy G said...

"Big F, Little f, FFF, five fancy feathers on fiffer feffer feff"

Celeste said...

"You do realize that I'm never having sex with you again?"

O. Aces said...

"You couldn't park 'handicapped' just this once, huh?"

O. Aces said...

(what I meant was)

"You couldn't park in 'handicapped' just this once?"

Sandy Bachs said...

"I'd like us to start seeing other people."

Utellme said...

"And you let them talk you into LoJack."

Utellme said...

"Remember that stupid shopping cart with the wheels that lock up once you're 100' feet from the entrance? I left the car keys in it."

Utellme said...

"You know that pot roast we got on sale? It's done."

O. Aces said...

"That was really bright leaving Sparky in the car. You might as well have given him to the Changs when they were offering you $20 bucks."

Anonymous said...

"All you have to do is find the car. I have to say something insensitive, funny and cryptic that al will get."

xs

Glenn said...

"Maybe we should just sink to our knees and yell, 'You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!'"

JohnnyB said...

I can't figure out where everyone went. I worked hard to take over this anti-caption hosting. I've spent countless minutes crafting demeaning insults about those with the temerity to participate and made it clear that I am bored and dissatisfied with this task I coveted. Why the number of entries has dropped and this now seems like a barren desert with all the joy sucked out of it, I cannot fathom.

Anonymous said...

lol

Kathy H said...

"I had no idea this LAX was so huge! I hope we didn't miss Al's flight from Philly."

Anonymouse said...

"That's it! I am not waiting for Godot here!"

Anonymouse said...

"Ever wonder about the power of just one word? I mean, I would think that the word 'nearly' in the sentence '...without Mrs. al in la, the "Mile High" club is nearly impossible.' might be a bit problematic back home. But, hey, maybe that's just me."

Tim H said...

"Alls I'm saying is that even Nova from Zabar's goes bad in 115°."

Anonymouse said...

"Didn't they say they'd meet us at the intersection of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae?"

Anonymous said...

My mother warned me this would happen.

Austin said...

I knew you should have made that left turn in Albuquerque.

Austin said...

This was such a nice neighborhood before the no-fly zone.

Austin said...

Go ahead, let's see you blame this on me.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry, but this came out as one big block letter.

notal

Glenn said...

"You have one fucking bag. I have two bags and a heavy purse - stop picking at that!"

Anonymous said...

If Johnny B. were to edit his previous entry to make the 25-word limit it would probably be:

Pound sand al.

Notjohhnyb

Satireguy said...

"Now can we ask for directions?"

'lo Mutter said...

"Hon, you said that out loud. For the record, 'No', I will not 'shut up whore'."

Yeoman Rand said...

"Holy shit, Jimmie, look what happened to your pal Gorn. That must be section 'G'."

Luke Thersson O. Aces said...

(one more time . . .)

"You couldn't have parked in a 'handicapped' spot just this once?"

(because I think this joke is worth it and because the inability to delete sucks ass)

Post-Op Pockalips said...

"President Obama said there'll be 2grocery stores here on the moon in 2014. It IS odd, however, that there are 896 fried chicken places."

O. Aces said...

"That was really bright leaving Sparky in the car. Hell, at least we've got buns and relish. Hey! We can try out your new Remington!"

Sue Nami said...

Christ, Sendai was here when we parked.

Anonymous said...

"You could have parked in a handicapped spot for once, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you didn't park in a handicapped spot for once."

Folsom #5837645532

Shelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelly said...

"If you brought me all the way out here just to kill me, please do it and get it overwith already."

judgmental in la said...

"So tell me, honey, how many times did it take you to pass the IQ test?"

reid savid said...

"Don't be naive Bryan, the baby will be fine."

His Story Repeats Itself said...

"Just because it's Ford's ticker symbol doesn't mean our Lincoln is shot."

4 out of 5 Women said...

"The thought of being alone in the desert doesn't bother me at all. It's just that you're still here."

NAMBY said...

"I miss Shea Stadium,"

Utellme said...

"I was expecting Jesus to start carrying at least one of us about 3 miles back."

Anonymous said...

"Which one? The Black Sea or the Red Sea?"

dwilk

Miss Pronunciation said...

"That reminds me, I'm pregnant."

Anonymous said...

"You can keep searching, but this is the par 25 F-hole at Jubali."

Rob

Anonymoose said...

"Funny, I don't remember parking in pre-9/11 Dubai."

Sam Antic said...

"Honey, sorry I shoved your handicapped placard up your stupid repetitive ass yesterday. I just could take another version of your joke"
Correction: "..crammed..."
Correction: I meant "nose"
Correction: swap 'iteration' for 'version'
Correction: Make it "I'm not sorry at all"
Bear with me, it's going to be worth it.
Correction: The joke simply is not that funny in any form
{Deleted by author}

Sam Antic said...

Sorry that was mean-Kirk

Tim H said...

"It must be karma. Remember the time I should have called F on Wheel of Fortune?"

Tim H said...

"It must be karma. Remember the time I should have called F on Wheel of Fortune?"

Tim H said...

[Sorry, Sam Antic. I guess I just have an itchy trigger-finger.]

S.A. said...

[Tim H./O.Aces - It's all good. Just flipping you some good natured crap.]

boneguy said...

I'm pretty sure this is where
Sheriff Joe
told us to meet him.

Anonymous said...

"Have we ruled out Bowser squeezing through the vented window, digging a hole and burying that stupid smart car?"

xs

Anonymous said...

"You keep looking for the shit box. I need to work on my pole dancing."

Rob

Gary P said...

"I see dead people."

Anonymous said...

“Relax, Harry. We’re flying Southwest standby and I brought plenty of food."

dwilk

Tiresome said...

"Ford, you crazy bastard, how car you?"

Cube N. said...

"You said it was just around the block."

Miss Pronunciation said...

"At least we have air bags."

Anonymous said...

Christ, what an F-pole.

33percenter

Anonymous said...

Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. Lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Cavanaugh never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. JohnnyB wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.

-Carol Lou Ellen

Anonymous said...

"We're making good time. Glad we ditched your mother at 'C'"

--Dex

Gary P said...

"So... James Arness was supposed to drive us home from here."

Anonymous said...

"F-you, Billy, you crazy bastard etc. etc. etc."

One of us! One of us! One.........

Anonymous said...

"I say we keep moving unless you take Chigurh in your coffee."

Wart Disney said...

Roy Disney finally realizes he should have used those all-access F tickets back in 1974

Anonymous said...

"Oh shit, you're delirious now. Who are you saluting?"

Peter Zo Toole said...

"And now we miss desert!"

Damon said...

"Ah. Now those `U' `C' `K' `E' and `D' poles we saw make more sense."

Anonymous said...

"You keep saying that, but I haven't seen one fucking sandwich in three days."

xs

Ditch Hiker said...

"Behold, what you see is before U."

Anonymous said...

It's baseball's opening day. Better luck next year, Mets.

Stephen Colbert on tonight's Colbert Report

Peggy Sue Dann said...

"Do you think Arabs stole it and sold it into slavery?"

Gary P said...

"We parked in F prime."

Anonymous said...

"Look, Damon. Your Massengil caption is by far the best anti-caption in months. But this competition has long since.... hey where's our car?"

Anonymouse said...

"April Fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!"

Freedom Fry said...

"I thought Paris would be prettier. The Ffull Tower really disappoints."

Hotsy Totsy said...

"Honey, I'm starting to smell by box."

Gary P said...

"Why is that sign yelling?"

Anonymous said...

Was it a caravan or a Caravan?

Rocko

Austin said...

We should have bought that Red Bull after all.

Elmore said...

"Can you see by how many that we've exceeded 100 entries?"

Whyn't Powers said...

This sand is hot!

Anonymous said...

I'm beat. Let's stay at The Sands tonight.

Rocko

Sandy said...

"Why are we stopping?"

Satireguy said...

"Next time let's not shop at the Saudi Mall."

Miley said...

"I thought we took Route 66, not Route 26."

Anonymous said...

You're getting warm, but you still haven't found the G-spot.

Jim Cavanaugh

Richard H said...

"Well, Doug, you were the one who said we had to go shopping in Abu Dhabi after watching Sex and the City 2."

Glenn said...

"Are we illegal aliens? Do you see the border patrol? Are we there yet? Can you hear me now? Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

Anonymous said...

Glenn, we've got to get you out of the sun.

Kathy H said...

"No, you're not deliroius. The Mets are 2-1 this season."

Kathy H said...

["...or delirious...either way..."]

Cold Dead Chuck said...

You're right,Hatcher. Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

Anonymous said...

Johnny Deep

Steve_O said...

"No, I said that I WOULDN'T have sex with you if you were the last person in the world."

B.M. said...

"I told you Burning Man is next week."

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa said...

"No more shopping on peyote."

Erica dong said...

I'm not going to be afraid of flying til next week

Gary P said...

"Tell me that's not a crop duster, Cary."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.