The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #262

Sorry these are late. Despite rumors that I was on a drunken binge at some four-bit fancy house in Nogales, I had a serious computer issue. This prompted me return my two-month old lap top to the place of purchase. The young man who had first crack at it was baffled. He said that it could take weeks (!) to remedy the malady. Luckily his boss diagnosed the problem and it appears to be resolved. So please do not interpret the tardiness of these results as evidence that my enthusiasm for the contest is waning. It is way too late for that.
A s soon as I saw the cartoon featured a woman leading a unicorn into a man’s office, I knew what to expect. There would be captions related to the man and/or the woman having sex with the animal. Naturally the horn protruding from his noggin offers uniquely gross possibilities. As is frequently the case, I was not disappointed.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"After the unicorn, you have meetings with an honest lawyer, the guy who runs the whole internet, a tea-partier who genuinely likes black people, and Santa Claus." --Smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: And later he’ll be hobnobbing with a successful bluegrass band, a NASCAR fan with a PhD. and a regular Anti-Capper who never posts lame crap or exceeds the five-cap limit. This is not great but it makes a point about something. So there’s that.)

SECOND PLACE
"Ever seen a unicum? Watch this."--Denny (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who hasn’t had someone jerk-off a unicorn in their office? Still, it’s probably better to pretend you don’t get this one than to assume she is about to make a mess on this guy’s carpet.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
In the office of the surreal, the one-eyed man is boss. --philomania (JUDGE’S COMMENT: And in a barren wasteland of banality, this is somewhat funny.)

"Unseat Harry Reid, or bring me a mythological unicorn--glad to see you worked on the easier challenge."--GOP Dex (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Here’s some irony: Reid, a devout Mormon, was spared retirement by gaining the overwhelming support of blacks and Latinos in Nevada. He also ran against an erratic crazy woman. Barry should be so lucky in 2012.)

"Well, something is happening here, Mr. Jones; I thought you would know what it is." JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Our weekly dose of Dylan from a man who, no doubt, has read all of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books. )

TRUE! nervous, very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why WILL you say that I am mad?--Eric (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from Poe’s Tell Tale Heart. If you are out to stump me, try a JayZ lyric or something.)

First Captain Kirk's chair. now a unicorn, for the love of God man, just sign out of Ebay and get back to work --not Bones (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not bad. As a public service let me add that on Ebay “excellent” is not as good as “mint” which is not quite the same as “new.” Anything described as “very good” is probably a piece of shit. The seller community grades on a curve, as do I.)

I was going to make a uni-corn-y joke, but... --

sam! (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No buts about it, you did.)

I know it's your Birthday and all but don't you think that an un-greased in- house unicorn rim-job is a bit self- indulgent--not really (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is gross, stupid and [I’m guessing] painful. I have no problem with that but birthday is lower case and this cap has too many hyphens.)

Nice try, asshole. You have two eyes, and you're just squinting. You can't hang with us mythical creatures. --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: So the woman is also a mythical creature. Eric has the soul of a poet.)

He told Noah he had a vasectomy. --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I always assumed he missed his connection. )

"A Ms. Eunice Corn to see you, sir." ---

Satireguy

(JUDGE’S COMMENT: A woman saddled with such a name, would surely be taunted—and rightly so. Just ask her brother Jimmy-Crack. This is terrible but not completely unimaginative. )

In tribute to the late Leo Cullum, we're doing bulging eyes for a few weeks. Got a P.C. Vey waiting in the wings. --X.F. Thalamos (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A more fitting tribute would be to submit a funny cap—that’s what Leo would have wanted. )

"Sir, we have another candidate who claims to have read about office Unicorns in the wonderful new novel Russell Wiley Is Out to Lunch by frequent anti-captioner Richard H."

http://www.youtube.com/richardhineauthor#p/u/1/6F94c2BDq_M --

Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: We have had shameless self promotion caps before, but never one that lets you see the author’s video on YouTube. I didn't watch because I imagine a talented wordsmith would come up with a more compelling adjective than “wonderful” to describe his life's work. I am also pissed that he calls himself an "anti-captioner." You are an "Anti-Capper." Now say it with me "ANTI-CAPPER.")

The horns here are equine.--Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually they’re not. But there were scant few classic caps this week. )

“Here we go again . . . Like clockwork, every six weeks Mr. Bullfinch over at the New Yorker goes with a similar theme . . . Frankly, I think it’s a mythtake.”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Get it? “MYTH-take?” How do you guys come up with this stuff? )

"Pssst . . . he's been trying to horn in on your appointment book all day."---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Get it? HORN in? Why blw has never won this contest I don’t know.)

"Sir, he says it's your unilateralism with which he can identify and also wants to know if you're single." --

Utellme (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Two things: This is the first cap in the history of the contest to use the word “unilateralism.” Also, huge props for proper grammar even though it meant rendering a cap that is almost unreadable. )

"Mr. Alderson, you're new manager is here."-- tom_seaver (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Long time fans know they have done worse. Tom Seaver is my favorite Met of all time, so this has all the elements. )

"There's a pinheaded jackass here to take over your office, Mr. Congressman." --Steve_O (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yeah, we all saw the election results. “Pinhead jackass” is a real reach, but your rage is justified. )

"Apparently, unicorns make John Boehner cry. what a phony, little pussy." --N. Pelosi (JUDGE’S COMMENT: In fairness, he is not the first hypocrite to gain power. He will not be the last.)

"Ooops, sorry. Thought this room was empty."--dwilk (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No doubt she is hoping to have a sexual encounter with a unicorn. That’s why this is almost funny. )

"Sir, Abe Vigoda's here to see you." --Wojohowitzer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: To Wojo, Abe may just be "Fish," the sad old “Barney Miller” detective battling hemorrhoids. To me, he’ll always be “Sally,” a low level mobster in GF I who became a turn coat. Tom Haden couldn’t get him off the hook, not even for old time’s sake.)

"He just keeps singing '“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: They’re here. I include this to show what I have to wade through t get “here.”)

"He just keeps singing 'All the tired horses in the sun. How'm I suppose get all my ridin' done? Hmm...'"--Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from the only song to appear on a Dylan album that is not actually sung by Dylan. “All the Tired Horses" is the first cut on side one of the 1970 album “Self Portrait.” It features those two lines sung over and over by a female backing group. The album was poorly received. The Rolling stone review memorably began by asking “What is this shit?”)

The fucking republicans have me believing in this shit again.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is topical but the GOP marketing effort was mostly focused on fear, not fantasy.)

Behind me? Yeah, right. And the Mets are going to win the pennant next year.--Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Very funny Rocko but Met fans don’t say “pennant.” We say “wild card.”)

“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Tortured syntax and three exclamation points lead me to believe blw is a committed anti-capper.)

Come down and judge the contest, al. Being wasted isn't a "technical issue".--mrs.al (JUDGE’S COMMENT: My wife assures me that she did not submit this and she swears she was not nodding in agreement when she read it.)