Monday, November 1, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #262


Sorry these are late. Despite rumors that I was on a drunken binge at some four-bit fancy house in Nogales, I had a serious computer issue. This prompted me return my two-month old lap top to the place of purchase. The young man who had first crack at it was baffled. He said that it could take weeks (!) to remedy the malady. Luckily his boss diagnosed the problem and it appears to be resolved. So please do not interpret the tardiness of these results as evidence that my enthusiasm for the contest is waning. It is way too late for that.
A s soon as I saw the cartoon featured a woman leading a unicorn into a man’s office, I knew what to expect. There would be captions related to the man and/or the woman having sex with the animal. Naturally the horn protruding from his noggin offers uniquely gross possibilities. As is frequently the case, I was not disappointed.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"After the unicorn, you have meetings with an honest lawyer, the guy who runs the whole internet, a tea-partier who genuinely likes black people, and Santa Claus." --Smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: And later he’ll be hobnobbing with a successful bluegrass band, a NASCAR fan with a PhD. and a regular Anti-Capper who never posts lame crap or exceeds the five-cap limit. This is not great but it makes a point about something. So there’s that.)

SECOND PLACE
"Ever seen a unicum? Watch this."--Denny (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who hasn’t had someone jerk-off a unicorn in their office? Still, it’s probably better to pretend you don’t get this one than to assume she is about to make a mess on this guy’s carpet.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
In the office of the surreal, the one-eyed man is boss. --
philomania (JUDGE’S COMMENT: And in a barren wasteland of banality, this is somewhat funny.)

"Unseat Harry Reid, or bring me a mythological unicorn--glad to see you worked on the easier challenge."--GOP Dex (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Here’s some irony: Reid, a devout Mormon, was spared retirement by gaining the overwhelming support of blacks and Latinos in Nevada. He also ran against an erratic crazy woman. Barry should be so lucky in 2012.)

"Well, something is happening here, Mr. Jones; I thought you would know what it is." JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Our weekly dose of Dylan from a man who, no doubt, has read all of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books. )

TRUE! nervous, very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why WILL you say that I am mad?--Eric (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from Poe’s Tell Tale Heart. If you are out to stump me, try a JayZ lyric or something.)

First Captain Kirk's chair. now a unicorn, for the love of God man, just sign out of Ebay and get back to work --not Bones (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not bad. As a public service let me add that on Ebay “excellent” is not as good as “mint” which is not quite the same as “new.” Anything described as “very good” is probably a piece of shit. The seller community grades on a curve, as do I.)

I was going to make a uni-corn-y joke, but... --

sam! (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No buts about it, you did.)

I know it's your Birthday and all but don't you think that an un-greased in- house unicorn rim-job is a bit self- indulgent--not really (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is gross, stupid and [I’m guessing] painful. I have no problem with that but birthday is lower case and this cap has too many hyphens.)

Nice try, asshole. You have two eyes, and you're just squinting. You can't hang with us mythical creatures. --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: So the woman is also a mythical creature. Eric has the soul of a poet.)

He told Noah he had a vasectomy. --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I always assumed he missed his connection. )

"A Ms. Eunice Corn to see you, sir." ---

Satireguy

(JUDGE’S COMMENT: A woman saddled with such a name, would surely be taunted—and rightly so. Just ask her brother Jimmy-Crack. This is terrible but not completely unimaginative. )

In tribute to the late Leo Cullum, we're doing bulging eyes for a few weeks. Got a P.C. Vey waiting in the wings. --X.F. Thalamos (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A more fitting tribute would be to submit a funny cap—that’s what Leo would have wanted. )

"Sir, we have another candidate who claims to have read about office Unicorns in the wonderful new novel Russell Wiley Is Out to Lunch by frequent anti-captioner Richard H."

http://www.youtube.com/richardhineauthor#p/u/1/6F94c2BDq_M --

Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: We have had shameless self promotion caps before, but never one that lets you see the author’s video on YouTube. I didn't watch because I imagine a talented wordsmith would come up with a more compelling adjective than “wonderful” to describe his life's work. I am also pissed that he calls himself an "anti-captioner." You are an "Anti-Capper." Now say it with me "ANTI-CAPPER.")

The horns here are equine.--Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually they’re not. But there were scant few classic caps this week. )

“Here we go again . . . Like clockwork, every six weeks Mr. Bullfinch over at the New Yorker goes with a similar theme . . . Frankly, I think it’s a mythtake.”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Get it? “MYTH-take?” How do you guys come up with this stuff? )

"Pssst . . . he's been trying to horn in on your appointment book all day."---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Get it? HORN in? Why blw has never won this contest I don’t know.)

"Sir, he says it's your unilateralism with which he can identify and also wants to know if you're single." --

Utellme (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Two things: This is the first cap in the history of the contest to use the word “unilateralism.” Also, huge props for proper grammar even though it meant rendering a cap that is almost unreadable. )

"Mr. Alderson, you're new manager is here."-- tom_seaver (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Long time fans know they have done worse. Tom Seaver is my favorite Met of all time, so this has all the elements. )

"There's a pinheaded jackass here to take over your office, Mr. Congressman." --Steve_O (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yeah, we all saw the election results. “Pinhead jackass” is a real reach, but your rage is justified. )

"Apparently, unicorns make John Boehner cry. what a phony, little pussy." --N. Pelosi (JUDGE’S COMMENT: In fairness, he is not the first hypocrite to gain power. He will not be the last.)

"Ooops, sorry. Thought this room was empty."--dwilk (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No doubt she is hoping to have a sexual encounter with a unicorn. That’s why this is almost funny. )

"Sir, Abe Vigoda's here to see you." --Wojohowitzer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: To Wojo, Abe may just be "Fish," the sad old “Barney Miller” detective battling hemorrhoids. To me, he’ll always be “Sally,” a low level mobster in GF I who became a turn coat. Tom Haden couldn’t get him off the hook, not even for old time’s sake.)

"He just keeps singing '“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: They’re here. I include this to show what I have to wade through t get “here.”)

"He just keeps singing 'All the tired horses in the sun. How'm I suppose get all my ridin' done? Hmm...'"--Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from the only song to appear on a Dylan album that is not actually sung by Dylan. “All the Tired Horses" is the first cut on side one of the 1970 album “Self Portrait.” It features those two lines sung over and over by a female backing group. The album was poorly received. The Rolling stone review memorably began by asking “What is this shit?”)

The fucking republicans have me believing in this shit again.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is topical but the GOP marketing effort was mostly focused on fear, not fantasy.)

Behind me? Yeah, right. And the Mets are going to win the pennant next year.--Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Very funny Rocko but Met fans don’t say “pennant.” We say “wild card.”)

“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Tortured syntax and three exclamation points lead me to believe blw is a committed anti-capper.)

Come down and judge the contest, al. Being wasted isn't a "technical issue".--mrs.al (JUDGE’S COMMENT: My wife assures me that she did not submit this and she swears she was not nodding in agreement when she read it.)






105 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"The UNICEF representative is here."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"Are you still horny?"

Anonymous said...

"Kathy H and Tim H won the Halloween costume contest."

dwilk

JohnnyB said...

Is this the one that took out your eye?

JohnnyB said...

Well, something is happening here, Mr. Jones; I thought you would know what it is."

JohnnyB said...

I'm leaving you, Jake. Ed touches something deep inside me that you could never reach.

Gary P said...

"We just wanted to know if you were still up for that threesome tonight."

HR rep for cyclops monocles inc. said...

Hey Cy, Ms Corn is here with the ACLU rep, asking about our diversity hiring. I don't think she's horsing around any more

JohnnyB said...

Well, you have to admit, he has a point.

boneguy said...

We're taking the piƱata thing to a whole new level.

Eric G said...

Your 3 o'clock is here. By the way, your computer's missing.

smuck said...

"After the unicorn, you have meetings with an honest lawyer, the guy who runs the whole internet, a tea-partier who genuinely likes black people, and Santa Claus."

Eric said...

TRUE! nervous, very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why WILL you say that I am mad?

Ekim my faithful companion said...

Kemosabe, looks like Silver been getting some narwhal action

not Bones said...

First Captain Kirk's chair . now a unicorn for the love of God man just sign out of Ebay and get back to work

sam! said...

Nice glasses
---
AAAAAAAA
---
I was going to make a uni-corn-y joke, but...

Billy Nelson said...

You know , everything WAS funny until.....

not really anonymous said...

I know it's your Birthday and all but don't you think that an un-greased in- house unicorn rim-job is a bit self- indulgent

Eric G said...

Nice try, asshole. You have two eyes, and you're just squinting. You can't hang with us mythical creatures.

Anonymous said...

testing 123

boneguy said...

He told Noah he had a vasectomy.

Anonymous said...

"Sir, we've created the talking unicorn you wanted, but he just keeps mumbling that he feels trapped in a metaform". -cta

Kathy H said...

"He says he's here to give the PowerPoint® presentation."

Satireguy said...

"You're fired and take your goddamn unicorn with you!"

Satireguy said...

"A Ms. Eunice Corn to see you, sir."

X.F. Thalamos said...

In tribute to the late Leo Cullum, we're doing bulging eyes for a few weeks. Got a P.C. Vey waiting in the wings.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about the loss, Mr. Paladino. We're here to cheer you up.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Excuse me, doctor -- your 2 o'clock is here for her dilation and extraction."

Anonymous said...

That was me -- Jared S.

Eric G said...

Don't expect me to feel bad for you. I only have one breast.

boneguy said...

I'll tell your one o'clock that things got way narwhal-y.

boneguy said...

I'll tell your one o'clock that things got way narwhal-y.

Richard H said...

"Sir, we have another candidate who claims to have read about office Unicorns in the wonderful new novel Russell Wiley Is Out to Lunch by frequent anti-captioner Richard H."

http://www.youtube.com/richardhineauthor#p/u/1/6F94c2BDq_M

Tim H said...

"That goddamned unicorn is here again. (Oh, Jeez, he's behind me, isn't he?)"

Eric G said...

The horns here are equine.

 Konrad said...

The folks from Univision are thrilled with the mascot for their new x-rated programming.

 Konrad said...

He's been poking holes in the sales presentations again.

Myth Buster said...

"Sir, we found the last unicorn. Should we keep some of its DNA before we run it through the chipper?"

Anonymous said...

"Sir, we in the bio-engineering lab took your scoffing to heart, and hearby present one unicorn AND a flying pig" -cta

Anonymous said...

“Does this comply with your stick-it-up-your-ass-too-iveness mandate?”

dwilk

Anonymous said...

“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”

---blw

Anonymous said...

“Here we go again . . . Like clockwork, every six weeks Mr. Bullfinch over at the New Yorker goes with a similar theme . . . Frankly, I think it’s a mythtake.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Pssst . . . he's been trying to horn in on your appointment book all day."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Your daughter returned it . . . says she’d rather have an iPad.”


---blw

boneguy said...

What are the odds? About the same as the Giants winning the World Series in 5 (or any number).

 Konrad said...

So she says to Christine "You are such a bitch." and Christine screams back "I am not a bitch!" and turns her into this unicorn.

Anonymous said...

"Ever seen a unicum? Watch this."

Denny

Anonymous said...

“I can see the unknown rider, I can see the pale white horse . . . but neither one has an appointment.”

---Angelina, Shot of Love

Chauncy G. said...

"This guy's one horn reduction away from being a viable presidential candidate in 2012. By the way, are we cyclopses?"

tom_seaver said...

"Mr. Alderson, you're new manager is here."

Kathy H said...

"How big do you want that peephole?"

Anonymous said...

"Happy Birthday, Sir! ...What's that? Buttinski in accounting already gave you one? That brown-nosing little fucker! " -cta

Anonymous said...

"Wow, apparently you're the only virgin on the 4th floor!" -cta

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't try going eyeball to eyeball with him.

Rocko

Richard H said...

"Your four o'clock is here."

Gary P said...

"I gave the poachers the $20,000. Will you kill it, or should I?"

Steve_O said...

"There's a pinheaded jackass here to take over your office, Mr. Congressman."

 Konrad said...

If you keep staring at me that way, sir, I'm going to file a sexual harassment complaint.

 Konrad said...

Sorry to bother you, sir — didn't realize the acid had kicked in yet.

smuck said...

"Our research shows that unicorn penises are slightly larger than those of horses. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go see a doctor."

smuck said...

"Just returning your unicorn, Mr. Baker... Ah ha, there's my purse. Oh geez, the novelty tampon with the 4 foot string is hanging out of it again."

N. Pelosi said...

"Apparently, unicorns make John Boehner cry. what a phony, little pussy."

JohnnyB said...

She says you are in her chair.

Anonymous said...

"But a two hour acupuncture session gets you the colonoscopy for free."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

Fuck both of you. I can't get that "one eyed oned horned flying purple people eater" song out of my head.

Jim Cavanaugh

Wojohowitzer said...

"Sir, Abe Vigoda's here to see you."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic."

27 B-stroke 6

Anonymous said...

"Your 3 o'clock has been moved up to 2 o'clock, so move your dick from 12 o'clock back down to 6 o'clock."

Rob

Ole Worm said...

I was thinking we could get a little mythchievous, if you know what I mean.

Ole Worm said...

I know you ordered Hooked on Phonics, sir, but Impaled on Mythology is what they sent you.

Anonymous said...

I'm taking maternity leave. We're going to have a little humancorn.

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Pegasus is out sick. This is the best I could do on short notice.

Harry said...

"Your horse got in the glue box again."

Anonymous said...

We need a new ceiling fan.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

“I only have 'eye' for you . . . but I wouldn’t mind getting a few pokes from this stud behind me . . .”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Ooops, sorry. Thought this room was empty."

dwilk

Utellme said...

"Eye, eye, eye, eye - eye am the Frito Bandito!"

Utellme said...

"Sir, he says it's your unilateralism with which he can identify and also wants to know if you're single."

Utellme said...

"(One-Eyed) Jack, this one's only the first in a unicornucopia of candidates out there v-eyeing for the position of donut holer."

Utellme said...

"You said you wanted someone with a horn and Mr. Marsalis just isn't available."

Ole Worm said...

Sir... I don't know what to say other than... well... I surely did not mean to drive a giant screw into Snowflake's head!

philomania said...

Okay, we're ready for the next spill.

philomania said...

In the office of the surreal, the one-eyed man is boss.

Anonymous said...

"Mr. Reams will now see you."

27 B-stroke 6

Jackie Paper said...

"Sir, Goldilicious and I are going to Peet's. Can I get you anything?"

Anonymous said...

“Good news, sir . . . the Office Carnival is all coming together . . .we’ve combined the Ring Toss and the Petting Zoo . . . you’re due in ten minutes for your turn in the Fright House . . . and I’ll be getting laid in the custodian’s closet from four to six . . .”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Aye, aye, sir. I mean, eye, ack, forget it."

Austin in PA said...

The dry cleaner was closed, but I managed to get to the taxidermist in time.

Austin in PA said...

We were at a bar, and he confided in me that it'd been a while since he'd gotten any tail. Since you're the biggest horse's ass I know....

boneguy said...

The thing shits My Little Ponies.

Anonymous said...

"Unseat Harry Reid, or bring me a mythological unicorn--glad to see you worked on the easier challenge."

--GOP Dex

Richard H said...

"Remember that horse that quit to go to business school? He's back."

Ole Worm said...

Apparently, someone on Facebook sent him to poke you.

Ole Worm said...

It's Saturday night and we haven't even broken a hundred, so the unicorn and I are taking tomorrow off.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"He just keeps singing 'All the tired horses in the sun. How'm I suppose get all my ridin' done? Hmm...'"

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"He says he just won the Breeders' Cup Unicorn Stakes and he needs representation."

Anonymous said...

The fucking republicans have me believing in this shit again.

Jim Cavanaugh

Utellme said...

"She wants to apologize for disfiguring you, but she was startled when you rubbed her flanks at the watercooler. You see, among other things, she's newly divorced and her ankles are swollen. By the way, the Minotaur's on line 8."

Anonymous said...

Do you know of any uses for unicorn shit?

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Behind me? Yeah, right. And the Mets are going to win the pennant next year.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Did you order a horseshoe set?

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"You heard me. Give me all your money or I get it in the back."

Bev

Banksy said...

"Here's the replacement worker for the Simpsons DVD Department."

Anonymous said...

Come down and judge the contest, al. Being wasted isn't a "technical issue".

mrs.al

JohnnyB said...

No, a winning anti-cap from JohnnyB is unbelievable. A unicorn is just hard to find.

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