Monday, October 25, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #261



















 
 
WINNERS
 
FIRST PLACE
Thanks Leo Cullum. You'll be missed.--#99 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Indeed he will. This, of course is a fitting tribute to a beloved cartoonist for the New Yorker who was claimed by cancer last week. The obit in the Times noted that he was a "classic gag cartoonist whose visual absurdities were underlined, in most cases, by a caption reeled in from deep left field." Sound familiar? That's just a fancy way of saying he was an Anti-Capper. [A successful one, I mean.] Think about it: A dog in bar dressed in a suit and tie orders a "scotch and toilet water." Leo's sly wit was absurd but never gross, silly but hardly stupid. He was sophisticated but never an asshole about it. Before finding his true calling, he toiled away for 30 years as a pilot for TWA. Beginning in 1977, the New Yorker published more than 815 of his cartoons. The number of air miles he traveled is exceeded only by the number of snickers, smirks and groans he induced. He was 68.)
 
SECOND PLACE
I swear I'll have my revenge no matter how long it takes or how unnecessarily complicated I make it. --Edmond Dantès (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Smart enough to be a Leo Cullum cap. Also reminds us that there are those for whom pay back is more essential that oxygen. )
 
HONORABLE MENTIONS
What a day. I'm drained.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short, simplistic and smart. Very unlikely to be honored in the real contest. What's not to like? )
 
"Daaaryyl, Daaaryyl, Daaaryyl! I know it's you in that disguise!" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The proximity of the person doing the tauting makes this believable. During the World Series of 1986, before witnessing their team choke, Boston Red Sox fans taunted Daryl Strawberry with this nasty but highly memorable chant. Bottom line: the ball skipped through Buckner's legs and the Mets won. So there. )
 
Having broken out of prison and painted himself white in order to appear in the New Yorker, OJ's capture of Nicole's real killer is stymied by a locked sewer grate. His tireless search of the nation continues.-- M. Fuhrman ("N-word user" ) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all realize which "M. Fuhrman" you are referring to. It is stupid, of course, but very imaginative and historically accurate. We reward that kind of thing here.)
 
Sandy Alderson waits his turn while zombie Mets fans wait to rip him to shreds. --keith_hernandez (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the Mutts new GM. This is funny because Mets fans have a long tradition of unreasonable expectations followed by profound disappointment [except in '86 when they beat the Red Soxs in the World Series.] )
 
I need you to pass a message along to my fiancee. Her name is EVROLET GIRL, you can't miss her -- ctb (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I remember correctly she is a full figure gal. Way to keep her alive, ctb. )
 
"Waaaah! Did poor mister suit guy get fired or something? Go fuck yourself...I live in the sewer."--Zimbo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The above ground guy does seem bummed out. This reminds us that no matter how messed up your life gets, you can still be taunted by some guy in a sewer. )
 
"Get yourself checked for diabetes, John. Your urine gave me a cavity." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is awful but there is a PSA aspect I suppose. )

"Hey, buddy, if you're here about the job on Carly Fiorina's ad campaign, we're down here."-- Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here in California it is common for high school girls to describe any girl they even mildly disagree with as "a total slut." Maybe it's a regional thing. The wanna-be senator has gone after Barbara Boxer, but she isn't the only one slinging mud. A Boxer ad playing as I write this has a series of sad-eyed folks recount how they were ousted from their jobs at HP when Fiorina was at the helm. "She didn't need five corporate jets," says one woman on the brink of tears. .)
 
The owies here get gangrene. Edmond Dantès (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic floats by.)

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di—rect your attention over here.-- Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To paraphrase Twisted Sister" "This cap is trite and jaded, boring and confiscated. If that's your best, your best won't do." Come on Konnie stop resting on your laurels.)


"It's a skygrate, jerkweed."--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That's what it said in the ad when he rented the place. I really don't get "Jerkweed" The best I can tell its a combination of "jerk-off" and "dill weed" which is derivative of "dildo." So I gather it is pejorative. )

"Hmmm? I'm underground, I'd like to return home, and I'm sad. Sounds like the Subterranean Homesick Blues." Marcia Marcia Marcia (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I question whether the guy in the sewer would have the presence of mind to say this. Still, a great effort to link the title of a Dylan song to the image. Best line from that song: "20 years of schoolin' and they put you on the day shift." )

"There isn't any crosswalk, but that's a pretty cText Colorross walk."--Denny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually he doesn't appear to be walking and he seems more sad than pissed off, or "cross" if you prefer. No matter. Denny put some thought in to this.)

"Just walk on by . . . wait on the corner; I love you but we're strangers when we meet."---Leroy Van Dyke (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from an old Dean Martin song that is widely believed to be about Dino's life on the down low.)

See the lonely man there on the corner, What he's waiting for, I don't know. But he waits every day now. He's just waiting for something to show --Phil Collins = Douche. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of works. But why evolke his thoughtful lyrics than take a cheap shot at him? And is "douche" worse than "jerkweed." )

"You see me on the street You always act surprised You say, ‘How are you?’ ‘Good luck’But you don't mean it . . .anyway, I gotta’ go . . . positively . . . could you direct me to 5th Street?"---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This from a Dylan song called "Positively 4th Street" It is not a love song.)

Still haunted by the flattened ghost image of his beloved Shep, Mort is heckled by a mole person"That your dog? Yeah, I fuckin' ATE it!" --Jersey Jeff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a bit strange but if Jeff is really from Jersey I want to know what exit)

Most of this week's entries are, at best, pedestrian.--Mine Too (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes I agree. But rather than curse the darkness, why don't you light a match?)

"Buck up, some day maybe you'll join the ranks of truly effluent society." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is kind of high brow but in a darkly sarcastic way. I surmise that cta is tortured soul.)

Gotta admit, Christian S. had some funny entries.. Sad to see them all gone. -cta
C'mon, al•in•la, Christian doesn't get out much and isn't real clear how rules work. Plus, Konrad probably didn't even mention there were any. --Konrad and Christian's Mom
"This is where you end up, Mr. Schwoerke, if you exceed the five caption limit."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: . These three buttinski caps came after I used my special judge's power to eradicate a swam of Anti-Caps fostered upon us by some ill-informed megalomaniac. He rode into town and thought we would all be thrilled to read a dozen of his caps submitted one after another after another. I admit not all of them sucked, but please don't defend this dolt for poking his multiple snouts into our already crowded trough. )
 



137 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

Tim H, heading to work, attempting to return to form.

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

Don Draper circa 1974.

NAMBY said...

"Psst! Hey mister!...Did you know my opponent is a pedophile who hates America and voted to raise taxes?"

JohnnyB said...

Sewer? I hardly know her.

JohnnyB said...

The drainage grate is over there but the water collects over here. I must alert someone at City Hall.

Anonymous said...

"Jump! Think of your family."

dwilk

Roselli said...

"Hey! Is Oswald up on the 6th floor yet?"

JohnnyB said...

That I am talking to the wrong side of the street corner is a metaphor for the fact that I was unaware the "worst possible" caption meant it had to be either stupid or offensive.

Kathy H said...

"Either that's JohnnyB in that sewer or I'm losing my mind. Phew...It's JohnnyB."

Eric G said...

The odors here are obscene

Eric G said...

All the criminals in their coats and their ties are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise.

JohnnyB said...

I woke up on the roadside daydreaming about the way things sometimes are
Visions of your chestnut mare shoot through my head and are making me see stars
You hurt the ones that I love best and cover up the truth with lies
One day you'll be in the ditch, flies buzzing around your eyes

Sue R. said...

"Go to Hell, you lousy ingrate"

Sue R. said...

"Oh, come on. Help me! I want to be degrated."

HG Stupid said...

"To prevent terrorism, New York put Morlocks on the city's sewer grates."

US citizens said...

"Hey Asshole, at least spit on me or something so I know I'm alive."

My three-year-old daughter said...

"Mayonnaise?" (Why? -- 'because Mr. Pickles')

Eric G said...

Get the hell away from here! The gator thinks your briefcase is his brother and he's getting pissed!

Anonymous said...

"How 'bout we try, 'Sue her, not SEWER!' or I could say 'Your left, not my left.' Fucking cartoonists!"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Chin up, Bucko, at least you're well grounded"

boneguy said...

I used to be Meg Whitman's maid. And no, it won't be easy getting a reference letter from her.

boneguy said...

Don't feel bad for me. At least I scored a corner office.

Anonymous said...

Be patient. Something will trickle down on you eventually.

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"Don't cross the street...".

Anonymous said...

I didn't realize how lonely it would be once everybody else went down the shitter.

Rocko

Guy in sewer said...

"Pssst!"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, asshole, help me out would ya, I'm not "IT."


Steve

Zimbo said...

"Waaaah! Did poor mister suit guy get fired or something? Go fuck yourself...I live in the sewer."

Saitreguy said...

"Well at least you don't have to go to work in a fucking bank."

Satireguy said...

"Spare rage?"

Anonymous said...

"Daaaryyl, Daaaryyl, Daaaryyl! I know it's you in that disguise!" -cta

Kathy H said...

Remake of The Third Man

Anonymous said...

Sorry boys, it's survival of the fittest, not that I believe in evolution or anything.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Ok ok ok, you are Willy Loman. And I should care, why?"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"No, Mr. Bond . . . I expect you to reach grateness."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, ‘How are you?’ ‘Good luck’
But you don't mean it . . .
anyway, I gotta’ go . . . positively . . . could you direct me to 5th Street?”

---blw

 Konrad said...

...I don't hear anything...I don't hear anything...

Anonymous said...

"Your hands are going to get run over, idiot."

 Konrad said...

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di—rect your attention over here.

Phil Collins = Douche said...

See the lonely man there on the corner,
What he's waiting for, I don't know.
But he waits every day now.
He's just waiting for something to show.

T. Winklevoss said...

"Cameron, I think it's time we join Facebook."

Richard H said...

"I used to be where you are, man. Don't worry, it gets better."

Steve_O said...

"You think rats are bad? Try dealing with the RATRACE every day!"

Steve_O said...

"Jean Valjean? Nope. Doesn't ring a bell."

Edmond Dantès said...

I swear I'll have my revenge no matter how long it takes or how unnecessarily complicated I make it.

Edmond Dantès said...

The owies here get gangrene.

 Konrad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Damon said...

"Mom says hi."

Mario's kid said...

"I'm Carl Paladino and I approved this message."

Anonymous said...

"I've gutter be me, I've gutter be meee..."

dwilk

Tim H said...

[R.I.P., Leo Cullum]


...why not Bil Keane.

JohnnyB said...

Are you there, God. It's me, Margaret.

cta said...

"Psst! Hey Buddy! If you had more fiber in your diet, your stools wouldn't be so hard and painful!"

Anonymous said...

"This is where you end up, Mr. Schwoerke, if you exceed the five caption limit."


---blw

 Konrad said...

Chin up! Chin up!
Everybody loves a happy face!
Wear it, share it!
It'll brighten up the darkest...
Fuck it; I hope you rot in hell!!

 Konrad said...

Yeah, go on! Walk on by, walk on by... make believe that you don't see the tears!

Anonymous said...

"Just walk on by . . . wait on the corner;
I love you but we're strangers when we meet."


---Leroy Van Dyke

Anonymous said...

What a day. I'm drained.

Jim Cavanaugh

JohnnyB said...

Correction- forgot the "?":

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

cta said...

"Hey, how come you never come down here and shoot the shit with me anymore?"

cta said...

"Buck up, some day maybe you'll join the ranks of truly effluent society."

cta said...

"Ooh, a banker... What are you, too good to be seen talking to a blue cholera worker like me?"

Kathy H said...

"Just getting a jump on the ol' Second Avenue Subway."

Damon said...

"Get yourself checked for diabetes, John. Your urine gave me a cavity."

Anonymous said...

Psst, Buddy - Got any Windex?

ECB

al in la said...

NOTE:Please respect the five cap rule.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Leo Cullum. You'll be missed.

#99

Christian Schwoerke said...

Hey, al in la,

I didn't realize there was a cap on this or I'd have made some effort to keep my verbosity in check.

Is there some reason that ALL of the suggested captions were deleted?

I'll abide by your rules, but I was informed, word of mouth, of this site, and the info about the cap was not a part of that communication.

--xian

Anonymous said...

The onerousness here is obscene.

Cap'n cap capper

Steve_O said...

"You say you want me to ask Danny Boyle if he's done filming your 'Trainspotting' scene yet?"

 Konrad said...

Vhat? Too guttural for you?

Anonymous said...

Feeling down?

Jim Cavanaugh

Konrad and Christian's Mom said...

C'mon, al•in•la, Christian doesn't get out much and isn't real clear how rules work. Plus, Konrad probably didn't even mention there were any.

Anonymous said...

“Wuh d-ya mean you’ve exhausted all my appeals!”


dwilk

Anonymous said...

Gotta admit, Christian S. had some funny entries.. Sad to see them all gone. -cta

Mr. Lonely said...

“Beatles…Peet’s…National League…Quisp…Pepsi…boxers. Oh, come on! Can we be friends?”

Anti-Cap Nutjob said...

"Hey, when did you get a suit? Maybe you can run the studio! You may now get the curb off. You transferred all your money to Somalia!? We’re trapped in a metaphor! There’s a snake in my boot!"

Anonymous said...

"The real problem we have is Obama."

Anonymous said...

Sorry, "The real problem we have is Obama" was mine -- Jared S.

Anonymous said...

The real problem is we had Bush.

Rocko

Tim H said...

"Hey, Ralphie Boy! Pal o' mine!"

David D. said...

"Excuse me sir, do you mind if I stare at you from the sewer while I masturbate?"

Damon said...

"Rained cats & dogs last night - I stepped in a poodle! Actually, I really did. It was rotten, so my foot went right through."

Damon said...

"So you'll remember, right? A hundred shares of Dow Chemical? PROMISE ME YOU'LL REMEMBER!"

Anonymous said...

"Well, isn't this grate . . . you're the only one who can get me out of here and you won't! You're such a manhole!"

---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

You look a little flushed.

Rocko

Tim H said...

"...psst...I don't want to nitpick, but you have terrible posture."

Kathy H said...

"Will ya let me know when Charlie Sheen has left town?"

Kneel and Buthz said...

"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for a fucking pussy!"

Satireguy said...

"Psst! Hey buddy. Wanna join the underground?"

boneguy said...

Quit thinking about it and jump already.

boneguy said...

Stop fretting. "Nanny McPhee Returns" will be huge on DVD.

Glenn Prick said...

Just lemme know when the "poll watchers" go on break. I'm legit, but they fuckin' sweat me . . .

Utellme said...

"Your mother's down here with us!"

Satireguy said...

"This really grates on me."

Jaime Cullom said...

Stick 'em up !!! I have a *gub* . . .

ctb said...

I need you to pass a message along to my fiancee. Her name is EVROLET GIRL, you can't miss her . . .

Neener Finkelstein said...

Hey Mel you woulda sucked in Hangover 2 anyway. you gotta lighten up 'cause your starting to look like Abe Vigoda

M.Fatts said...

Don't even think I'm giving you your phone back Mister One-ball-in-the-corner -pocket!

Johnny Cat Conner said...

Could you tell Linda Hamilton that her Lion-boy, Vincent is fresh out of Kitty litter?

Edmond Dantès said...

Hey Vickram! It's me, Bernie; bet you didn't expect to see me on Wall Street again?

Edmond Dantès said...

You don't understand — the turtles down here have mutated!

Edmond Dantès said...

Don't turn your back on me, Dad, you're the one who got me Hooked on Phonics.

A friend of Bill's said...

I'm not sure I've hit bottom yet, Bill, there seem to be multiple levels down here.

keith_hernandez said...

Sandy Alderson waits his turn while zombie Mets fans wait to rip him to shreds.

Tim H said...

"When I played stickball as a kid, I was a 'one-sewer' hitter. I guess you can say I've come full circle."

M. Fuhrman ("N-word user" said...

Having broken out of prison and painted himself white in order to appear in the New Yorker, OJ's capture of Nicole's real killer is stymied by a locked sewer grate. His tireless search of the nation continues.

Anonymous said...

Most of this week's entries are, at best, pedestrian.

Mine Too

Anonymous said...

"Curb your enthusiasm somewhere else, pal."

Bev

Jersey Jeff said...

Still haunted by the flattened ghost image of his beloved Shep, Mort is heckled by a mole person
"That your dog? Yeah, I fuckin' ATE it!"

Utellme said...

"Hey, buddy! Como esta? I'm a Chilean miner. Have you seen my wife? Okay, have you seen my mistress?"

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"There isn't any crosswalk, but that's a pretty cross walk."

Denny

Utellme said...

"The hills are alive with the sound of music, aaaah aaaah aaaah aaah!"

Utellme said...

"Brother, can you spare a lime? The service down here is ob-turd."

Utellme said...

"Green light. Red light. Green light. Red light. Green li... Red light! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . "

Steve_O said...

"You and your sister are going to STAY down there until you find the keys you flushed down the toilet!"

Marcia Marcia Marcia said...

"Hmmm? I'm underground, I'd like to return home, and I'm sad. Sounds like the Subterranean Homesick Blues."

Anonymous said...

Why did you guys run off?

Jim Cavanaugh

anatole the rat said...

Bon jour Mon sewer!

Anonymous said...

"It's a skygrate, jerkweed."

Bev

Richard H said...

"Hey, buddy, if you're here about the job on Carly Fiorina's ad campaign, we're down here."

Anonymous said...

"Have you ever read the Wall Street Urinal? Talk about yellow journalism!"


Readiwhip

Anonymous said...

Better yet:

"Have you ever read the Wall Street Urinal? Talk about yellow urinalism!"

Readiwhip

Satireguy said...

"Don't be so quick to judge, buddy. We're all sewer dwellers in one way or another."

Anonymous said...

The golden showers here are obscene.

Rocko

C. Sheen said...

"Nice corner, but I assume you're the worst hooker ever!"

should-b-al said...

"I didn't come to this street corner just to hear you assholes in the sewer talk to each other--say something funny."

Anonymous said...

I'm still holding on to hope, so I'm gonna stay above ground until after the midterms.

Rocko

sam! said...

The sewer rats are eating us! Help!
--
Hey, watch out for that car!
--
AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
--
You look tired.
--
Would you like to buy some insurance?

Boothle said...

"trickle treat, Butt-munch"

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