The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #261

　
　
WINNERS
　
FIRST PLACE
Thanks Leo Cullum. You'll be missed.--#99 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Indeed he will. This, of course is a fitting tribute to a beloved cartoonist for the New Yorker who was claimed by cancer last week. The obit in the Times noted that he was a "classic gag cartoonist whose visual absurdities were underlined, in most cases, by a caption reeled in from deep left field." Sound familiar? That's just a fancy way of saying he was an Anti-Capper. [A successful one, I mean.] Think about it: A dog in bar dressed in a suit and tie orders a "scotch and toilet water." Leo's sly wit was absurd but never gross, silly but hardly stupid. He was sophisticated but never an asshole about it. Before finding his true calling, he toiled away for 30 years as a pilot for TWA. Beginning in 1977, the New Yorker published more than 815 of his cartoons. The number of air miles he traveled is exceeded only by the number of snickers, smirks and groans he induced. He was 68.)
　
SECOND PLACE
I swear I'll have my revenge no matter how long it takes or how unnecessarily complicated I make it. --Edmond Dantès (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Smart enough to be a Leo Cullum cap. Also reminds us that there are those for whom pay back is more essential that oxygen. )
　
HONORABLE MENTIONS
What a day. I'm drained.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Short, simplistic and smart. Very unlikely to be honored in the real contest. What's not to like? )
　
"Daaaryyl, Daaaryyl, Daaaryyl! I know it's you in that disguise!" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The proximity of the person doing the tauting makes this believable. During the World Series of 1986, before witnessing their team choke, Boston Red Sox fans taunted Daryl Strawberry with this nasty but highly memorable chant. Bottom line: the ball skipped through Buckner's legs and the Mets won. So there. )
　
Having broken out of prison and painted himself white in order to appear in the New Yorker, OJ's capture of Nicole's real killer is stymied by a locked sewer grate. His tireless search of the nation continues.-- M. Fuhrman ("N-word user" ) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We all realize which "M. Fuhrman" you are referring to. It is stupid, of course, but very imaginative and historically accurate. We reward that kind of thing here.)
　
Sandy Alderson waits his turn while zombie Mets fans wait to rip him to shreds. --keith_hernandez (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the Mutts new GM. This is funny because Mets fans have a long tradition of unreasonable expectations followed by profound disappointment [except in '86 when they beat the Red Soxs in the World Series.] )
　
I need you to pass a message along to my fiancee. Her name is EVROLET GIRL, you can't miss her -- ctb (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If I remember correctly she is a full figure gal. Way to keep her alive, ctb. )
　
"Waaaah! Did poor mister suit guy get fired or something? Go fuck yourself...I live in the sewer."--Zimbo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The above ground guy does seem bummed out. This reminds us that no matter how messed up your life gets, you can still be taunted by some guy in a sewer. )
　
"Get yourself checked for diabetes, John. Your urine gave me a cavity." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is awful but there is a PSA aspect I suppose. )

"Hey, buddy, if you're here about the job on Carly Fiorina's ad campaign, we're down here."-- Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here in California it is common for high school girls to describe any girl they even mildly disagree with as "a total slut." Maybe it's a regional thing. The wanna-be senator has gone after Barbara Boxer, but she isn't the only one slinging mud. A Boxer ad playing as I write this has a series of sad-eyed folks recount how they were ousted from their jobs at HP when Fiorina was at the helm. "She didn't need five corporate jets," says one woman on the brink of tears. .)
　
The owies here get gangrene. Edmond Dantès (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic floats by.)

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to di—rect your attention over here.-- Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To paraphrase Twisted Sister" "This cap is trite and jaded, boring and confiscated. If that's your best, your best won't do." Come on Konnie stop resting on your laurels.)


"It's a skygrate, jerkweed."--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That's what it said in the ad when he rented the place. I really don't get "Jerkweed" The best I can tell its a combination of "jerk-off" and "dill weed" which is derivative of "dildo." So I gather it is pejorative. )

"Hmmm? I'm underground, I'd like to return home, and I'm sad. Sounds like the Subterranean Homesick Blues." Marcia Marcia Marcia (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I question whether the guy in the sewer would have the presence of mind to say this. Still, a great effort to link the title of a Dylan song to the image. Best line from that song: "20 years of schoolin' and they put you on the day shift." )

"There isn't any crosswalk, but that's a pretty cross walk."--Denny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually he doesn't appear to be walking and he seems more sad than pissed off, or "cross" if you prefer. No matter. Denny put some thought in to this.)

"Just walk on by . . . wait on the corner; I love you but we're strangers when we meet."---Leroy Van Dyke (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from an old Dean Martin song that is widely believed to be about Dino's life on the down low.)

See the lonely man there on the corner, What he's waiting for, I don't know. But he waits every day now. He's just waiting for something to show --Phil Collins = Douche. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of works. But why evolke his thoughtful lyrics than take a cheap shot at him? And is "douche" worse than "jerkweed." )

"You see me on the street You always act surprised You say, ‘How are you?’ ‘Good luck’But you don't mean it . . .anyway, I gotta’ go . . . positively . . . could you direct me to 5th Street?"---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This from a Dylan song called "Positively 4th Street" It is not a love song.)

Still haunted by the flattened ghost image of his beloved Shep, Mort is heckled by a mole person"That your dog? Yeah, I fuckin' ATE it!" --Jersey Jeff (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a bit strange but if Jeff is really from Jersey I want to know what exit)

Most of this week's entries are, at best, pedestrian.--Mine Too (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes I agree. But rather than curse the darkness, why don't you light a match?)

"Buck up, some day maybe you'll join the ranks of truly effluent society." --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is kind of high brow but in a darkly sarcastic way. I surmise that cta is tortured soul.)

Gotta admit, Christian S. had some funny entries.. Sad to see them all gone. -cta
C'mon, al•in•la, Christian doesn't get out much and isn't real clear how rules work. Plus, Konrad probably didn't even mention there were any. --Konrad and Christian's Mom
"This is where you end up, Mr. Schwoerke, if you exceed the five caption limit."---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: . These three buttinski caps came after I used my special judge's power to eradicate a swam of Anti-Caps fostered upon us by some ill-informed megalomaniac. He rode into town and thought we would all be thrilled to read a dozen of his caps submitted one after another after another. I admit not all of them sucked, but please don't defend this dolt for poking his multiple snouts into our already crowded trough. )