The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #266

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Due to a scarcity of half-way decent caps, I'm wearing a visor.--Cap Anson (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very cute and topical. This is from a note I posted extending the contest. Mrs al in la astutely points out that the shortage of good caps was paralleled by a shortage of interest on the part of the judge. What is not in dispute is the lifeguard's headwear and my unflinching commitment to be the best damn Anti-Cap judge I can be--when I get around to it.)

SECOND PLACE
"Great sex last night. You sure know how to rockefeller to his center." --Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good one Damon. Frankly, it is a little boorish for him to broadcast this from such a high perch, but this references an over-priced skating rink in NYC that is slightly larger than the average living room. If he had send flowers with a card that said something similar [without the "great sex" part] that would have been more classy. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I didn't know they meant Miami, Ohio."--Jan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any good copy editor will tell you there's is also a London in Ontario, a Brooklyn in Minnesota, a Hollywood in Florida and an Al in L.A. )

"Apparently I was whistle worthy, but not sea worthy."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link goes to an ad that promises $13.95 an hour for NYC lifeguards. Yes, you hang out at the beach all day and do nothing, but read the fine print: No iPods, no beer, no magazines and no naps. I'm like "What's the point?")

"Union rules." --Venky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So that explains it. Labor unions have lifted countless working people out of poverty. Having said that, if you go to a playground you can usually tell which kids will be Teamsters when they grow up. They're the ones sitting around watching the other kids play. )

"Sun and Ice-skating at the same time...Dubai fucking kicks serious ass! Oh, yea, secret terrorist training camps, too, and Post-9/11 uber-growth as if the two were tied somehow. Did I mention great weed? Get me a hookah." --G.W.B (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very astute political commentary lurks beneath the surface here. Update: Dubai has fallen on hard times and "W" is a retired government worker living on a pension. )

"Lance Corporal Benjamin "Pat" Patterson, Delta Force-Special Ops, ma'am. You need me here or people die."--Prag (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can stow that sarcasm, Prag. Better a highly trained lifeguard in swim trunks patrolling an ice skating rink, than a North Korean solider in your living room drinking your beer and watching HBO. That's just the way our national defense works, cupcake.)

"One more 'Triple Jumpin Jihadist Blade To The Innocent Child's Trachea' and you're off the ice for good. You hear me? For good!" --Al Q. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The imagry is troubling but this is very creative. It's nice that you specified "innocent child." )

"Since I've been posted here, there hasn't been a single shark attack; that's why." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I learned from Lisa Simpson that this is what we call specious reasoning. And let's not forget that there is a hockey team called the Sharks.)

"No, it's Chip Brinker, ma'am. Hans was my dad. Everyone called me a chip off the old ice block, but I've proved them wrong." --Venky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe a few charity points for the obscure reference, but this is one of those ones that makes you wonder why bother.)

"I just think, 'So what would Brian Boitano do. I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do.'" --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If there is a movie that embodies the Anti-Cap spirit, it is "South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut.")

"I've fallen for another deceitful job offer and I can't get down."--Jan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes we all remember the commercial for Life Alert. Few skate guards get to work sitting down so...)

"Glad to see that you members of the federal employee pool are already acclimating yourselves to the pay freeze" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty dumb, but this is the first cap in history to use the word "acclimating." )

"Apparently The New Yorker has asked a cartoonist from every state to submit ideas in which a lifeguard chair appears in a really wacky environment. This one's from Maine. Only 12 more to go!" --Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could also be the image for New Jersey. Remember The Sopranos episode where the junior wiseguys get paid to sit around in lawn chairs at a construction site?)

Omar Minaya finally lands his dream job. --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The former Mets GM would probably insist that the swimmers in this pool just aren't swimming fast enough.)

“Well, come out when the skating rink glistensBy the sun, near the old crossroads sign;The snow is so cold, but our love can be boldWinterlude, don’t be rude, please be mine . . . or not . . .”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Dylan song from "New Morning" that includes the memorable line "Winterlude, this dude thinks you're fine." )

Foot's chilly, you crazy bastard! How are you expecting me to stay warm?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well at least he left out the "hell" in the second part. Thanks for remembering Jim.)

"Alinla's been giving me anti-cationing advice, which, I think is a good thing. However, I need to get word to him that I'm not really blogger - at least not yet -and kind of accidentally set up a blogger account that I somehow cannot delete.""Oh, yeah? Where's the toilet?" --Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You do not have to link your entry to any blog. You should only post your best caps. Most of what you post is pointless and annoying! Also, I think you meant to say "captioning." Sometimes I feel like a teacher who has to devote an inordinate amount of time to the troublemakers who have no chance of even getting into community college.)

"But on Mondays and Tuesdays I'm a judge."--Dan32 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here's what this cap reminded me of: After college I worked as a skate guard at Sky Rink in NYC. [What else was I going to do with a Poli. Sci. degree?] I also refereed men's league hockey games. After the general skating session concluded I was supposed to sweep up. It only took a few minutes and it was no big deal but the players arriving for their game would see the "ref" wandering around with a broom and dust bin. When I noted that my janitorial duties diminished my authority as a referee, ["Yo ref! Where's your broom?"] the rink manager told me I no longer had to sweep. This infuriated the other skate guard who now had to clean the whole place alone. He stopped talking to me and the players continued to taunt me with a name I will not share for fear it will surface in future caps. Bottom line: To quote Dylan: "If you don't believe there's a price, for this sweet paradise, just remind me to show you the scars." )

Holiday Bonus: Why Not? It's Only Bil Keane.

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #265

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

You got Flies on Glill?!-- Li Po Faith (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a week ruled by increasingly awful puns, this had the added advantage of being confusing and racially insensitive. Yes, it would be much better if the waiter had slanty eyes and two huge buck teeth. Maybe one of those pointy round hats favored by rickshaw drivers and rice paddy workers. Still, it works on Several levels. More important, it took me a while to get it. )

SECOND PLACE
"The old lady at table nine would like a V8."--Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too cleaver to ignore, too dumb to pass muster with the "real contest." A V8 can be a very salty tomato beverage best mixed with vodka or an engine of some sort. So it's a nimble play-on-words. It also gives me a chance to chastise this Utellme character. I will tell U that you frequently post way 2 many caps sometimes in a matter of minutes. Then you delete a few. Try and space them out. Think them through. That's my advice. U capisce? Also, a blog link is dangled but there is no content. It's a good metaphor but even by Anti-Cap standards this is disappointing. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS "Sacre Bleu! This is a drive THROUGH not drive-IN restaurant. Idiots!" --Sam Antic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cap with an international flavor.)

What are you fixing tonight?--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When my mom used to say she was going to "fix dinner," I'd often say "If you got it right the first time you wouldn't have to fix it." No matter how many times I said it she never laughed. Not once. This was decades before I ascended to the lofty perch of Anti-Cap judge. Even early on you could see I had a gift for annoyingly stupid puns and condescending sarcasm aimed at people who make my existence possible.)

She said the valvo is too fatty. She wants valvo lean. --JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, a cute little pun, but at who's expense, Johnny? This is just a vicious, cheap shot at Valvoline, a 140-year-old line of motor oils engineered to maximize performance and prolong engine life. Is there anything that Johnny respects? )

"Table six says their rack of lamb is making a weird sound."--Bev (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I hear "car" and "rack" I think "bike rack." But there is most likely a deeper meaning. My knowledge of a car's inner workings is limited. I have learned that auto mechanics put their kids through college based on people like me--people who come to them because something sounds weird. That's why I picked this.)

"Smog check? All your doing is cutting down on eat-missions" --F'ing Stupid (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just when you think you have seen the stupidest car-related pun imaginable, this comes along. But here's the rub: F'ing came back and posted a correx cap that said "typo "you're." It's like someone wearing a tacky outfit that is impeccably pressed. Anti-Cap yin and yang )

Looks like your stew is boilingSo's your Studebaker! --Auld lang Fart (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here we have another crappy pun but Auld knew which "your" to use. Noted)

"Never mind. They went across the street to the automat." -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Studebaker? Automat? You get the sense that the demographics of Anti Cappers skew toward Civil War vets and Brooklyn Dodger fans. Me? I remember writing about the raging battle between Beta and VHS. So who am I to talk?)

"How's that a la car coming?"--Denny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes we can all see it's like a race to the bottom this week, but "a la car" kind of sounds "al in a cart." So...)

"Hey, the customer wants to know if there is an alternator to the starter course." -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another desperate reach but at least cta just said "the customer wants" instead of, say, "table six." )

"More smoked tourquey!"-- Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe this works if you think the waiter has a thick Brooklyn accent."

Well, I suppose if you ran into a deer on the way in we can technically call it grilled venison.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too many words Jim! See this week's winner for tips on how to be asinine with brevity and originality.)

"Hey guys, forget the ROLLS! These people are trying to DODGE the check. I guess they can't afFORD this place. It's enough to make a grown man SAAB. Well, they're starting to BUG me . . . YUGO talk to 'em."--Cal Worthington (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you ever want to WIN, I BEG you to never enter this type of shit again.)

You spoil that Dodge!--Ills Truck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. Kind of cute given the way some people pamper their cars and all.)

You're taking this Iron Chef thing too literally.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Conceptually, this cap would have worked better if it somehow suggested that the chefs were challenged with the secret ingredient of a pick-up truck. Bobby Flay would fill it spicy apricot sauce and garnish with arugula and toasted almonds. Yes, that's how often I watch that show.)


"Knock it off guys. Bravo just called. They're ditching the Hell's Kitchen Meets American Hot Rod idea and going with Deadliest Catch Meets Project Runway instead" --Richard Hine (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So on this new show is catching crabs from a leggy model a good thing or bad thing? Just FYI: CMT has a show called "Trick My Truck" but, remarkably it has no relation to HBO's "Cathouse.")

Now, boys, we here at Helping Hands Voc-Tech only do one trade at a time. Auto shop is next period. Come, Billy, let's change your diaper. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not unlike the previous cap but I don't get the diaper part.)

"They are all doubled over in pain. Many are throwing up. One guy had explosive diarrhea. This is going to get us a 'C' rating, you know." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Only if the health inspector finds greasemonkey feces in the kitchen.)


"My mother....could get a car thtarted uthing a thafety pin."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's unclear how this relates to the speech impediment but we so seldom get mother jokes so...)

Blown fuse, you silly bastards! How the hell are you missing something so simple?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, of course, is a bastardization of the classic cap: "Fusilli, you crazy bastard! How are you?" I mention this because everyone always sticks a gratuitous "hell" in the last part. Also, fusilli is a kind of pasta and the cartoon is set in a kitchen. You'd think J.C. would have made the connection.)

"You're poking along like a couple of fidgets- do you mind?"
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"The horsepowers here are en terrine."-- LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Two more mangled classics. The first one comes up short and the second one is lame.)

"In Russia, Lada cooks you." -- Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In case you are wondering, Lada is the name of a Russian car that was notoriously unreliable. That's why this is supposed to make sense.)


"They just changed the name of this place to Le Singe de Graisse * "
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* The Grease Monkey --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Everything sounds better in French. Pepe le Pew could tell you that.)


"Hurry up with that tranny. Oh, and the transmission, too." --Kathy H

"The boss says no more extra virgin olive oil changes." --Tim H

"When you're done with that Escalade, start on the escargot." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Allow me to dispatch these there sad sack entries at once. Ever the eager beaver, Kathy's first cap was posted on Monday at 1:21 am [all times PST]. It's a pun that might work if the cartoon included a transvestite, which it does not. Tim [who also goes by the last name "H"] followed four minutes later with his own really, really bad play on words. Perhaps embarrassed by this, Kathy returned at 3:52 am with something so bad it make's Tim look good. I relate this to once again illustrate the dangers of capping too early and too often.)

“Hey, guys, get that piece of crap out of here now! I’ve got a rush order From a Buick 6!”--- left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Lefty is referencing a rollicking blues number from Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited. In it, he says his "soulful mama" is a "junkyard angel" who "walks like Bo Didddley." It is, of course, a love song. )

“There’s this guy out here singing, ‘I went into a restaurant/ Lookin’ for the cook/I told them I was the editor/Of a famous etiquette book’. So I told the guy, ‘Don’t expect Dylan here. All we’ve got is Mike & the Mechanics’.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From "Bob Dylan's 115 Dream" a Dylan song no one has ever covered.)

"The gentleman at table nine says this is the worst abortion clinic he's ever seen."-- Slack-a-gogo (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Though illogical and tasteless and not especially funny, this is about as Anti-Cap as you can get. The unanswered question is how many clinics has the gentleman seen? Someone who wants to stoop to this level of humor might have added that this place is so bad their ads say "No fetus can beat us.")


[Nod to blw...] "We're all waiting for Chef Alinla's wieners."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You see? blw said "winners." Anon improved on it by using a food product with a slightly sexual connotation. That's how we roll around here.)

"Do you multi-taskers know anything at all funny about a doorknob?"-- Cookiepuss (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I did the research. There was nothing funny.)

"Mr. Radosh's car is almost ready? Good. I'll send his chauffeur, alinla, around to pick it up." --Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A few things: It's a truck not a car. At best, I am a driver, not a chauffeur. Most important he is an author and a staff writer for a popular TV show enjoyed nightly by millions of viewers. I have a blog that is mildly amusing to a handful of malcontents who feel the need to abuse me. Do you need further evidence that caps like this are completely unnecessary?)

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #264

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The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #263

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WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
You might like it up there, but I'm no ceiling fan.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A groan-out-loud cap that brings us back to our roots. The edict to post "your worse possible caption" is widely ingored and/or abused. Many don't seem to grasp that "worst" is not the same as "pointless" and that "absurd" and "useless" may be close cousins, but they're hardly interchangeable. Jim should be modestly proud of this victory.)

SECOND PLACE
Jeff: "I'm sorry for saying Chris Coons ran a better Senate race."
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Christine: "Apology accepted. You may come down now." *wiggles nose*--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can almost hear that little twinkle-twinkle-twinkle sound made when Samantha wiggled her nose on Bewithched. But If Christine O'Donnell WAS a witch, wouldn't she react to the man's rude [but accurate] comment by putting a ball-gag in his mouth and dressing him as a French maid...then have him put polish on her toe nails while he wears 6-inch stilettos that have been shackled toget....Oh!...Sorry. I'm back now. Nice cap, Demon. That's all I'm saying.)

THIRD PLACE
"You hate the Ikea lamp set that much, huh?"--Denny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Typically we only have 1st and 2nd place, but sometimes there are those caps that deserve something better than to be exiled to the Island of Broken Toys we call "Honorable Mentions." The point is Ikea has a lot of odd looking fixtures including square lamps. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I thought you said you were going DOWN on me." --LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe he just brushed his teeth thought she said "go UP on me," which sounds like "throw up on me." So in way, she dodged a bullet. This is one of several caps to explore a sex act that an old friend from Staten Island used to call "makin' a deposit on a future payoff." He also referred to it as dining at the Y." Read on...)

"That's a bit too much height for a muff dive."-- Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I can just hear the guy thinking to himself: "Now she tells me." )

"If you don't want to perform oral sex, a simple 'no' would suffice." --Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yeah right, and risk a reciprocal "no?" The literal translation of "quid pro quo" applies here. Also, any woman who actually says the words "perform oral sex" is either a dominatrix or an office manager.)

"Gee honey, your plan to have a threesome with a humongous, invisible, fat chick just keeps getting better. Oh boy, I am sooo horny." --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is imaginative, but not in a good way. It was also posted twice so there clearly is a sense of urgency. Women dismissed as "fat chicks" often do feel as though they are invisible, so there is some unintended poignancy here. )

After that performance, you should hang your head, Tom Dooley.-- Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Oh my! This is from an old Kingston Trio song about a guy who is to be "hangin' from a white oak tree" the next day. The Kon-Man apparently assumes the man was also well hung. How else would the disappointed woman know that her man's manhood is dangling in shame? Another cap too awful to ignore. )

"Oh Honey, not another out of beddy experience" --Gern Blanston (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once we start rewarding awful, ridiculously horrible caps, when do we stop? )

"Christine, please! Cancel this spell and I PROMISE I won't touch your furry mugwump again." --Tea Party Express (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Similar to the 2nd place winner, but not as accessible to the average reader. It is, however, ambitious, topical and historical. O'Donnel is an admitted witchcraft dabbler who may or may not have had a one nighter with some guy who admits he didn't even close the deal. The Mugwumps were Republicans who supported Grover Cleveland over a corrupt Republican in the 1884 presidential election. The 22nd president would later have a baseball player AND an entire city named for him. This cap goes a long way to explain why some guy is stuck to the ceiling.)

"Honey, I'm not too keen on the bed bugs either, but you don't see me going all ape-shit." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: . There has been a bed bug infestation in many cities, so this is another cap ripped from the headlines. Kathy decided to cast the guy as a wimpy little coward, but there is no evidence that the guy is going "ape-shit." From this we can conclude that Kathy would rather stay in bed with insects than use her levitating powers. And don't tell me she doesn't have any.)

"No! Not until you promise never to do that thing you just did with your finger again."--Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This cap suggests the guy is doing the talking, which is not the case. The premise is simply: The women rammed her finger so far up his butt that he leaped from the bed and is now stuck to the ceiling. This frequently happens in the early stages of a relationship, so it's good to set boundaries.)

"I'm your sexy ceiling fan. Yank my chain."-- Damon (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As long as we're doing sex metaphors: Immediately after Nixon's daughter Tricia got married in the Rose Garden, she famously said she was "as happy as a clam." Remarkably, she wed a man named "Cox." You can't make this stuff up. )

"Paul, I thought you wrote 'One man's ceiling is another man's floor,' not "One man's ceiling is the same man's floor.'" --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice try, Gary, but Paul is far removed from stacked living. He and his wife Edie have an opulent yet tasteful estate in New Canaan, Conn. 'There Goes Rhymin' Simon" was one of the first albums I ever bought so I had to give this props.)

"Are you going to fuck around, or are you going to come to bed?"-- David D. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Typically, these activities are not mutually exclusive, but in this one case it kind of makes sense.)

Bed posts have been deleted by the author.--Amy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The italicized phrase "This post has been deleted by the author" is the scarlet letter of Anti-Cappers who screw-up. [Yeah, Utellme! I'm talkin' to you.] It is the terse little message that appears after you've gone crawling back to delete an entry. The choice of words always makes me smirk. Anti-Cappers are to "authors" what roller skating is to space travel.)

"You can come down now. The post has been removed by the author." Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In fairness, this one was posted more than 13 hours before Amy checked in with her's. But Amy married "post" with "bed" to come up with "bedpost," thus making it remotely plausible. [See how it works?] Kathy's continuing efforts are appreciated.)

"I thought when you rubbed the balloon on your head you were going to stick it on the ceiling, but I have to admit, this is much more impressive!" --cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty lame and illogical. It also trivializes the dynamics of static electricity and requires too much thought.)

Bert, that may have amused Jane and Michael, but I'm not laughing. Come down here and give me some supercalifragilisticexpialidocious loving.-- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually no one is laughing. Whether you read this cap fast or slow, it truly sounds atrocious. )

“Instead of hitting home runs, sometimes we're going to hit singles like JohnnyB....but they're really important singles."--Barack Obama (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I've heard that Barry often takes a moment or two to post a few Anti-Caps each week, but I didn't realize he was following Johnny's tumultuous Anti-Cap career. God speed, Mr. President. Mrs. al in la and I still have your "Hope" poster proudly displayed in our humble home [and yes, it is framed]. )

Sorry. I should have told you I live under an MRI facility and didn't know you had your hip replaced.--Eric G. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The"M" stands for "magnetic " so I guess the man in this cartoon has been "drawn" to the ceiling...What? That's no more lame than this cap.)

"I've been up for over four hours. I think it's time to call the doctor. "-- Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT:I was about to point out that it is not the man who is talking, but then it hit me: Maybe this IS the woman who's speaking these words. Think about it: "Up" can mean she can't sleep and the "doctor" she wants to call could be some guy she's doing on the side. Maybe he's a PhD. If that's the case, this works. Nice job, Stevie.)

"The directions say if I stay up longer than four hours to consult a physician."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is similar, but it is not as easily attributed to the woman. So I'll simply note that it is the woman who is doing the talking.)

"Jesus, Demi gets Patrick Swayze, and I get a guy who can't even figure out how to get down to the bed." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This a very clumsy attempt to reference the ultimate chick flick "Ghost." Ironically it is Jesus , not Demi, who now has custody of Patrick. RIP, Vida.)

“There are no mistakes in life some people say. It is true sometimes you can see it that way. But people don't live or die, people just float . . .Say . . . what happened to your long, black coat?” ---Robert Zimmerman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A memorable and mysterious song from "No Mercy," a highly underrated Dylan album.)

He: “A summer breeze is blowin 'A squall is setting in Sometimes it's just plain stupid To get into any kind of wind.” She: “Jeez, enough already with the lyrics, Floater . . . is it ‘too much to ask’?”---little bobby from Hibbing (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you are going to give the answer, why ask the question? I knew this was from "Floater (To much to ask)" which is included on "Love and Theft." The song, released in 2001, also says this: They say times are hard/if you don't believe it/You can just follow your nose. By the way, Anti -Cap-wise, this really blows. )


Johnny B. wins New Yorker Anti-Gravity Caption Contest, floats on air.--Awalkisasgoodasahit (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If there was such a contest, J.B. would be be a lock for an Honorable Mention. )

Peter Parker, you get your ass in this bed this instant!--Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Parker, of course, is Spiderman. If she said this to Superman, she'd find herself being shtuped in the stratosphere. [consensually, I mean.])

(turn picture upside down)
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I don't care how many times you've traced the course of the second shot, you're still no closer to solving the Kennedy assassination.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This has an interactive component and historical significance. Even so, it's not funny and makes no sense. )


Fuceiling, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you doing that?--Rocko

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die from affixation."--Rob

The powers here are unseen. --Tinkerbell (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A trio of Anti-Cap classics. They are all pretty bad [which is why they are down here] but they continue a tradition and deserve modest recognition. Done.)

Thought bubble over the woman's head:
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Shit! Note to self: When you buy an inflatable male love doll with 7-inch vibrating penis and vibrating, rotating tongue,* don't fill it with helium. *actual product --Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The asterisk is a nice touch, but most of them that's readin' this, know all to well that these products certainly do exist. )

For months I have wondered were the anti-caption contest went. Now that I have found it, I am getting back in the game. From up here on the ceiling. -- stcoleridge (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. You found us. No one's saying you can't hang. But now what?...Well...We're waiting.)

Look, al, if judging this anti-cap contest is gonna keep you up at nights, maybe you should let someone else do it.-- Mrs. al in la (JUDGE'S COMMENT: See below.)

Oopsie! I meant to say, up nights. Hope I didn't embarrass you dear, well no more than your lame excuse about tech problems. Really, al?--Mrs. al in la (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My wife confirms that she did not post this. But I knew that because she's not one to say "oopsie!" when something goes amiss. )

Since when is getting wasted a "tech issue"?--mrsal2 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you saw some of the new vaporizes they have now, you wouldn't make such an ignorant comment. )

Artist's rendering of alinla, 10/27/86.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes, my euphoria that day lifted me to the ceiling where I languished while a woman awaited me in my bed. Nice one, Rock. But there's another story: At that same moment, 22 miles away from my Staten Island apartment, in the Shea Stadium visitor's club house, a teary-eyed Bill Buckner wondered, "Where am I going to live?")

If you promise to actually read all the entries this week, al, I'll give you the staple remover. --Miss Judged (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I promise to give them a look-see. Its not like you need the extra time to come up with that slam dunk cap that's going to blow everyone away. I have done the research, the late arriving caps suck just as bad are no better than the early arrivals. As they say in baseball: Think long, think wrong. Now let me down!)

Hey Al,Could you like judge the contest now before you become totally inebriated so like we won't have to wait until Tuesday night to find out the results?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As if! You'd have to be mental to do this with out even a buzz. And FYI, my computer totally freaked. So please. Spare me.)

Are you going to stay up all night?--Amy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The question compliments the playful absurdity of the image while making a gentle yet ambiguous commentary on relationships. In other words, what we got here is a "real contest cap." Sorry you had to waste it, Amy. I hate it. It perpetuates a bias against nocturnal people. When I was a teen trying to get some well deserved shut eye on a Saturday morning, my mom would tap on my bedroom door and say something like "Al! Do you know it's 10:03!?!" [or 11:52, or 1:08. Whatever.] In the groggy voice of a slacker teen who knows how ro push buttons, I would usually respond, "Really? Thanks... [pause for affect]...What's the temperature?" If I ever, just once, knocked on their door to inform them that, say, 3:06 am had arrived, my father would not have asked about the temperature. I tell you that much. One person's why is another's why not, I guess is what I'm saying. More important: This cap was the last one posted before my team and I, including the satellite offices in Bangkok, Oslo and Bolivia, settled for on this week's winners. Amy posted her cap Sunday evening at exactly 4:35 pm No one can say it wasn't thoroughly considered. If you read this far, please leave a comment expressing your distane, satisfation or indifference.)

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #262

Sorry these are late. Despite rumors that I was on a drunken binge at some four-bit fancy house in Nogales, I had a serious computer issue. This prompted me return my two-month old lap top to the place of purchase. The young man who had first crack at it was baffled. He said that it could take weeks (!) to remedy the malady. Luckily his boss diagnosed the problem and it appears to be resolved. So please do not interpret the tardiness of these results as evidence that my enthusiasm for the contest is waning. It is way too late for that.
A s soon as I saw the cartoon featured a woman leading a unicorn into a man’s office, I knew what to expect. There would be captions related to the man and/or the woman having sex with the animal. Naturally the horn protruding from his noggin offers uniquely gross possibilities. As is frequently the case, I was not disappointed.

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"After the unicorn, you have meetings with an honest lawyer, the guy who runs the whole internet, a tea-partier who genuinely likes black people, and Santa Claus." --Smuck (JUDGE’S COMMENT: And later he’ll be hobnobbing with a successful bluegrass band, a NASCAR fan with a PhD. and a regular Anti-Capper who never posts lame crap or exceeds the five-cap limit. This is not great but it makes a point about something. So there’s that.)

SECOND PLACE
"Ever seen a unicum? Watch this."--Denny (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Who hasn’t had someone jerk-off a unicorn in their office? Still, it’s probably better to pretend you don’t get this one than to assume she is about to make a mess on this guy’s carpet.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
In the office of the surreal, the one-eyed man is boss. --philomania (JUDGE’S COMMENT: And in a barren wasteland of banality, this is somewhat funny.)

"Unseat Harry Reid, or bring me a mythological unicorn--glad to see you worked on the easier challenge."--GOP Dex (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Here’s some irony: Reid, a devout Mormon, was spared retirement by gaining the overwhelming support of blacks and Latinos in Nevada. He also ran against an erratic crazy woman. Barry should be so lucky in 2012.)

"Well, something is happening here, Mr. Jones; I thought you would know what it is." JohnnyB (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Our weekly dose of Dylan from a man who, no doubt, has read all of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books. )

TRUE! nervous, very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why WILL you say that I am mad?--Eric (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from Poe’s Tell Tale Heart. If you are out to stump me, try a JayZ lyric or something.)

First Captain Kirk's chair. now a unicorn, for the love of God man, just sign out of Ebay and get back to work --not Bones (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Not bad. As a public service let me add that on Ebay “excellent” is not as good as “mint” which is not quite the same as “new.” Anything described as “very good” is probably a piece of shit. The seller community grades on a curve, as do I.)

I was going to make a uni-corn-y joke, but... --

sam! (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No buts about it, you did.)

I know it's your Birthday and all but don't you think that an un-greased in- house unicorn rim-job is a bit self- indulgent--not really (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is gross, stupid and [I’m guessing] painful. I have no problem with that but birthday is lower case and this cap has too many hyphens.)

Nice try, asshole. You have two eyes, and you're just squinting. You can't hang with us mythical creatures. --Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: So the woman is also a mythical creature. Eric has the soul of a poet.)

He told Noah he had a vasectomy. --boneguy (JUDGE’S COMMENT: I always assumed he missed his connection. )

"A Ms. Eunice Corn to see you, sir." ---

Satireguy

(JUDGE’S COMMENT: A woman saddled with such a name, would surely be taunted—and rightly so. Just ask her brother Jimmy-Crack. This is terrible but not completely unimaginative. )

In tribute to the late Leo Cullum, we're doing bulging eyes for a few weeks. Got a P.C. Vey waiting in the wings. --X.F. Thalamos (JUDGE’S COMMENT: A more fitting tribute would be to submit a funny cap—that’s what Leo would have wanted. )

"Sir, we have another candidate who claims to have read about office Unicorns in the wonderful new novel Russell Wiley Is Out to Lunch by frequent anti-captioner Richard H."

http://www.youtube.com/richardhineauthor#p/u/1/6F94c2BDq_M --

Richard H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: We have had shameless self promotion caps before, but never one that lets you see the author’s video on YouTube. I didn't watch because I imagine a talented wordsmith would come up with a more compelling adjective than “wonderful” to describe his life's work. I am also pissed that he calls himself an "anti-captioner." You are an "Anti-Capper." Now say it with me "ANTI-CAPPER.")

The horns here are equine.--Eric G (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Actually they’re not. But there were scant few classic caps this week. )

“Here we go again . . . Like clockwork, every six weeks Mr. Bullfinch over at the New Yorker goes with a similar theme . . . Frankly, I think it’s a mythtake.”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Get it? “MYTH-take?” How do you guys come up with this stuff? )

"Pssst . . . he's been trying to horn in on your appointment book all day."---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Get it? HORN in? Why blw has never won this contest I don’t know.)

"Sir, he says it's your unilateralism with which he can identify and also wants to know if you're single." --

Utellme (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Two things: This is the first cap in the history of the contest to use the word “unilateralism.” Also, huge props for proper grammar even though it meant rendering a cap that is almost unreadable. )

"Mr. Alderson, you're new manager is here."-- tom_seaver (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Long time fans know they have done worse. Tom Seaver is my favorite Met of all time, so this has all the elements. )

"There's a pinheaded jackass here to take over your office, Mr. Congressman." --Steve_O (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Yeah, we all saw the election results. “Pinhead jackass” is a real reach, but your rage is justified. )

"Apparently, unicorns make John Boehner cry. what a phony, little pussy." --N. Pelosi (JUDGE’S COMMENT: In fairness, he is not the first hypocrite to gain power. He will not be the last.)

"Ooops, sorry. Thought this room was empty."--dwilk (JUDGE’S COMMENT: No doubt she is hoping to have a sexual encounter with a unicorn. That’s why this is almost funny. )

"Sir, Abe Vigoda's here to see you." --Wojohowitzer (JUDGE’S COMMENT: To Wojo, Abe may just be "Fish," the sad old “Barney Miller” detective battling hemorrhoids. To me, he’ll always be “Sally,” a low level mobster in GF I who became a turn coat. Tom Haden couldn’t get him off the hook, not even for old time’s sake.)

"He just keeps singing '“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: They’re here. I include this to show what I have to wade through t get “here.”)

"He just keeps singing 'All the tired horses in the sun. How'm I suppose get all my ridin' done? Hmm...'"--Tim H (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is from the only song to appear on a Dylan album that is not actually sung by Dylan. “All the Tired Horses" is the first cut on side one of the 1970 album “Self Portrait.” It features those two lines sung over and over by a female backing group. The album was poorly received. The Rolling stone review memorably began by asking “What is this shit?”)

The fucking republicans have me believing in this shit again.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE’S COMMENT: This is topical but the GOP marketing effort was mostly focused on fear, not fantasy.)

Behind me? Yeah, right. And the Mets are going to win the pennant next year.--Rocko (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Very funny Rocko but Met fans don’t say “pennant.” We say “wild card.”)

“I told him to hold his horses, but I’ve got someone here with some very pointed questions as to where are the results from Contest #261!!!”---blw (JUDGE’S COMMENT: Tortured syntax and three exclamation points lead me to believe blw is a committed anti-capper.)

Come down and judge the contest, al. Being wasted isn't a "technical issue".--mrs.al (JUDGE’S COMMENT: My wife assures me that she did not submit this and she swears she was not nodding in agreement when she read it.)