Monday, November 29, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #266


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Due to a scarcity of half-way decent caps, I'm wearing a visor.--Cap Anson
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very cute and topical. This is from a note I posted extending the contest. Mrs al in la astutely points out that the shortage of good caps was paralleled by a shortage of interest on the part of the judge. What is not in dispute is the lifeguard's headwear and my unflinching commitment to be the best damn Anti-Cap judge I can be--when I get around to it.)

SECOND PLACE
"Great sex last night. You sure know how to rockefeller to his center." --Damon
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good one Damon. Frankly, it is a little boorish for him to broadcast this from such a high perch, but this references an over-priced skating rink in NYC that is slightly larger than the average living room. If he had send flowers with a card that said something similar [without the "great sex" part] that would have been more classy. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I didn't know they meant Miami, Ohio."--Jan
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Any good copy editor will tell you there's is also a London in Ontario, a Brooklyn in Minnesota, a Hollywood in Florida and an Al in L.A. )

"Apparently I was whistle worthy, but not sea worthy."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link goes to an ad that promises $13.95 an hour for NYC lifeguards. Yes, you hang out at the beach all day and do nothing, but read the fine print: No iPods, no beer, no magazines and no naps. I'm like "What's the point?")

"Union rules." --Venky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So that explains it. Labor unions have lifted countless working people out of poverty. Having said that, if you go to a playground you can usually tell which kids will be Teamsters when they grow up. They're the ones sitting around watching the other kids play. )

"Sun and Ice-skating at the same time...Dubai fucking kicks serious ass! Oh, yea, secret terrorist training camps, too, and Post-9/11 uber-growth as if the two were tied somehow. Did I mention great weed? Get me a hookah." --G.W.B (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very astute political commentary lurks beneath the surface here. Update: Dubai has fallen on hard times and "W" is a retired government worker living on a pension. )

"Lance Corporal Benjamin "Pat" Patterson, Delta Force-Special Ops, ma'am. You need me here or people die."--Prag (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can stow that sarcasm, Prag. Better a highly trained lifeguard in swim trunks patrolling an ice skating rink, than a North Korean solider in your living room drinking your beer and watching HBO. That's just the way our national defense works, cupcake.)

"One more 'Triple Jumpin Jihadist Blade To The Innocent Child's Trachea' and you're off the ice for good. You hear me? For good!" --Al Q. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The imagry is troubling but this is very creative. It's nice that you specified "innocent child." )

"Since I've been posted here, there hasn't been a single shark attack; that's why." --
Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I learned from Lisa Simpson that this is what we call specious reasoning. And let's not forget that there is a hockey team called the Sharks.)

"No, it's Chip Brinker, ma'am. Hans was my dad. Everyone called me a chip off the old ice block, but I've proved them wrong." --Venky (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe a few charity points for the obscure reference, but this is one of those ones that makes you wonder why bother.)

"I just think, 'So what would Brian Boitano do. I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do.'" --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If there is a movie that embodies the Anti-Cap spirit, it is "South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut.")

"I've fallen for another deceitful job offer and I can't get down."--Jan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yes we all remember the commercial for Life Alert. Few skate guards get to work sitting down so...)

"Glad to see that you members of the federal employee pool are already acclimating yourselves to the pay freeze" -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Pretty dumb, but this is the first cap in history to use the word "acclimating." )

"Apparently The New Yorker has asked a cartoonist from every state to submit ideas in which a lifeguard chair appears in a really wacky environment. This one's from Maine. Only 12 more to go!" --
Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This could also be the image for New Jersey. Remember The Sopranos episode where the junior wiseguys get paid to sit around in lawn chairs at a construction site?)

Omar Minaya finally lands his dream job. --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The former Mets GM would probably insist that the swimmers in this pool just aren't swimming fast enough.)

“Well, come out when the skating rink glistensBy the sun, near the old crossroads sign;The snow is so cold, but our love can be boldWinterlude, don’t be rude, please be mine . . . or not . . .”---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Dylan song from "New Morning" that includes the memorable line "Winterlude, this dude thinks you're fine." )

Foot's chilly, you crazy bastard! How are you expecting me to stay warm?--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well at least he left out the "hell" in the second part. Thanks for remembering Jim.)

"Alinla's been giving me anti-cationing advice, which, I think is a good thing. However, I need to get word to him that I'm not really blogger - at least not yet -and kind of accidentally set up a blogger account that I somehow cannot delete.""Oh, yeah? Where's the toilet?" --
Utellme (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You do not have to link your entry to any blog. You should only post your best caps. Most of what you post is pointless and annoying! Also, I think you meant to say "captioning." Sometimes I feel like a teacher who has to devote an inordinate amount of time to the troublemakers who have no chance of even getting into community college.)

"But on Mondays and Tuesdays I'm a judge."--Dan32 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here's what this cap reminded me of: After college I worked as a skate guard at Sky Rink in NYC. [What else was I going to do with a Poli. Sci. degree?] I also refereed men's league hockey games. After the general skating session concluded I was supposed to sweep up. It only took a few minutes and it was no big deal but the players arriving for their game would see the "ref" wandering around with a broom and dust bin. When I noted that my janitorial duties diminished my authority as a referee, ["Yo ref! Where's your broom?"] the rink manager told me I no longer had to sweep. This infuriated the other skate guard who now had to clean the whole place alone. He stopped talking to me and the players continued to taunt me with a name I will not share for fear it will surface in future caps. Bottom line: To quote Dylan: "If you don't believe there's a price, for this sweet paradise, just remind me to show you the scars." )

123 comments:

Richard H said...

"Apparently The New Yorker has asked a cartoonist from every state to submit ideas in which a lifeguard chair appears in a really wacky environment. This one's from Maine. Only 12 more to go!"

JohnnyB said...

It may be inconvenient, but it's the truth. This will melt and you'll all be swimming here in an another eon or so.

JohnnyB said...

Excuse me, can you direct me to the white cliffs of Dover?

Bruce said...

"I got bored at Fire Island - they're all shtupping and nobody's in the water. At least the blades here are straight."

Eric G said...

Look closer. I think I feel a lump.

The Hoff said...

Seen my surfboard?Looks like a motel key?

Eddie Z said...

Dude I totally spaced on your lunchbreak and I went back to college

JohnnyB said...

I don't care if you can see up my shorts. If you touch my junk, I'll sue.

JohnnyB said...

I'm sorry, the ball was clearly out.

Anonymous said...

"Look, bitch...,knock my lifeguard stand over one more time I'll rescue your ass."

Rich

Al Q. said...

"One more 'Triple Jumpin Jihadist Blade To The Innocent Child's Trachea' and you're off the ice for good. You hear me? For good!"

A. Burr said...

"I-I-I-I'm-m-m r-e-a-l-l-y f-u-c-k-i-n-g c-o-l-d.

Slack-a-gogo said...

"No ma'am, I'm NOT masturbating. I'm just keeping the whistle warm."

Satireguy said...

"Since I've been posted here, there hasn't been a single shark attack; that's why."

Anonymous said...

"Lifeguard? Duhhhhhh...try hockey ref, lady."

Carly

Erika E. said...

"Don't hassle the 'Hoff!"

Tonya H. said...

"Yes, I saw your Hamill camel-toe."

Anonymous said...

“See the guy behind me? Drowning in debt.”

wrinkle

Ra said...

"Get out of my sun, Monkey-arm-uni-titty."

Anonymous said...

"What time do I get off? I'm getting off right now."

Dan32

Anonymous said...

"I thought I'd be here well into January waiting for the results of Contest #265. Imagine my surprise when alinla had 'em out first thing Monday morning. Now I just feel foolish."


---brian wilson

Anonymous said...

"No, Mom, I won't come down. You told me to get a freakin' job and I did. Now get off my back."


---blw

boneguy said...

It's the last time I use "Bing" to look for a decent summer job.

Anonymous said...

"But on Mondays and Tuesdays I'm a judge."

Dan32

Satireguy said...

"Ma'am, you're supposed to skate with a buddy at all times."

Anonymous said...

"Lance Corporal Benjamin "Pat" Patterson, Delta Force-Special Ops, ma'am. You need me here or people die."

Prag

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Damon said...

"I'm looking out for midget rapists. Just caught one. If you want a good time, put your twat on top of that giant safety cone."

Utellme said...

"Alinla's been giving me anti-cationing advice, which, I think is a good thing. However, I need to get word to him that I'm not really blogger - at least not yet -and kind of accidentally set up a blogger account that I somehow cannot delete."

"Oh, yeah? Where's the toilet?"

Damon said...

"Would you mind grabbing the cord and plugging in my heated ring buoy?"

G.W.B said...

"Sun and Ice-skating at the same time...Dubai fucking kicks serious ass! Oh, yea, secret terrorist training camps, too, and Post-9/11 uber-growth as if the two were tied somehow. Did I mention great weed? Get me a hookah."

Wile E. Chipotle said...

"Wait...you mean it isn't two days before the day after tomorrow?"

Wile E. Chipotle said...

"...So why don't you stop bothering me and go give your boyfriend on the sideboard the butt-ending that he's clearly waiting for?"

Anonymous said...

"The water's frozen? Shit. That's gonna mess up my forward two-and-a-half somy in pike."

Jed

Austin in PA said...

Omar Minaya finally lands his dream job.

Anonymous said...

Foot's chilly, you crazy bastard! How are you expecting me to stay warm?

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Whaddu think? Is toenail fungus best treated using oral or topical medication?

R.L. Ermey said...

"Ice skating is gay."

Venky said...

"Union rules."

Anonymous said...

"I'm cramping, marfan syndrome."

Rob

JohnnyB said...

Christ, what an icehole.

RV said...

"Your doctor sent me to tell you that you have cancer. Obviously, the prognosis is guarded."

"The guy behind my stand says he's 'got yer triple putz you can salchow down on right here.'"

"Are you alone or is Katarina Witt you?"

"In my rink we don't allow any cross-checkin' or Dick Button."

Satireguy said...

"I wouldn't advise skating until thirty minutes after you've eaten."

Anonymous said...

“Go ahead and mock me all you want, you Philistine . . . I tell you, global warming is happening and I, for one, am ready for it!”


---blw

Damon said...

"Great sex last night. You sure know how to rockefeller to his center."

Damon said...

"I saw you splashing those kids. Quit it. Sterile or not, it's gross."

Anonymous said...

“Since you asked, a trace mix of leftover NW and SW swell prevails this morning. Most breaks through the region are flat or very close to it, as top NW exposures pull in a few lingering ankle-knee high waves. Conditions are fairly clean, with just some slight texture in some areas from light North winds . . . oh, and the sharks here are obscene.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"Yo, Mrs. Pettersen. Thanks for breaking my cherry yesterday. Oh, and tell Brad I'll never tell him a 'Your Mama' joke again." -cta

Pair of philias said...

"The enema bag's almost empty...are you ready?"

Anonymous said...

“Ever since we syndicated Baywatch, we’ve been trying to expand our horizons . . . you know, new locations, that sort of thing . . . I guess it’s working out, but it would really help if Pamela Anderson would bother to show up once in awhile.”


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Well, come out when the skating rink glistens
By the sun, near the old crossroads sign;
The snow is so cold, but our love can be bold
Winterlude, don’t be rude, please be mine . . . or not . . .”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"I decided to bring my talents to Cleveland."

dwilk

Ralphie the perv said...

I double-dog dare you to suck my big itchy toe!

Anonymous said...

"Why aren't you wearing a mansierre?

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"If you and your raffish friends slide my chair around this rink one more time I'm gonna' climb down from here and strangle you with my lifesaver! Now hand me my dunce cap."

Utellme said...

"Imagine my amazement when they handed me my uniform."

Utellme said...

"There's a patch of thin ice where that safety cone is. So, if the ice cracks under the weight of some fat-ass kid, I throw him my lifesaver and 'Voila!'. If all else fails, I jump in after him and we both die of hypothermia. It's all making sense now, isn't it?"

Utellme said...

"So you ARE looking up my shorts. Those are not goosebumps on my balls, I assure you. Nevertheless, your climbing up here and putting one, just one, in your mouth for 3 minutes might ease your mind a little."

Utellme said...

I meant "anti-caPtioning".
Typos, flubs, foibles, fumbles, blunders and bloopers have been removed by the author.
See? Now you done gone and made me break the five-cap rule.
I dislike you - you and your whole duckling family.

Anonymous said...

“Recession??? That’s bullshit. There’s always work for a lifeguard. Especially at The New Yorker.”


---left coast wayne

Glenn said...

"I learned a long time ago that people in high chairs shouldn't throw scones."

Glenn said...

"Apparently I was whistle worthy, but not sea worthy."

Gary P said...

"I just think, 'So what would Brian Boitano do. I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do.'"

Anonymous said...

I need a good pair of platform shoes.

Rocko

David D. said...

"No, YOU’RE being inappropriate!"

David D. said...

"Because I’ve got no place else to go!"

Venky said...

"I'll propose if you bring the blow dryer."

Anonymous said...

"I have really poor eyesi WATCH OUT THERE'S A SHARK CLOSING IN ON YOUR LEFT!!!"

Wayne

Anonymous said...

"Look over there. Mother Teresa skating with Ray Bolger. Is heaven great or what?"

J. Assange said...

"The name's Assange...Julian Assange. I am the world's magic mirror, and maybe a rapist."

cta said...

"Yeah, the new guy quit already. I guess he took one look at the job and got cold feet."

Anonymous said...

“I’ll admit, it’s not what I expected when I first arrived here in Surf City . . . but I think I’m beginning to find my niche.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, I’m that Bruce Brown. Of “Endless Summer” fame.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“You can’t br serious! It’s December??? Damn this cheap watch!!!”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

Tzamboni!

Jim Cavanaugh

Jess said...

"Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet?"

Anonymous said...

"Tell me -- does this look like gangrene to you?"

--Jared S.

Amateur Apertures said...

Welcome to our "_OOL." Notice there's no "P." Please try to keep it that way.

Anonymous said...

"I didn't know they meant Miami, Ohio."

Jan

Satireguy said...

"Of course I'm freezing my balls off. Any other stupid questions?"

Anonymous said...

"I said I wanted to get 'some chow' and they thought I said salchow."

Venky said...

"No, it's Chip Brinker, ma'am. Hans was my dad. Everyone called me a chip off the old ice block, but I've proved them wrong."

Anonymous said...

"I've fallen for another deceitful job offer and I can't get down."

Jan

smuck said...

"The only thing drowning here is you, in that oversized, ugly sweater."

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, now that you mention it, this job does bite. Like in 'frostbite'."


---left coast wayne

Beavis said...

"huh-huh, the iceman cum-eth, huh-huh-huh"

Anonymous said...

"Glad to see that you members of the federal employee pool are already acclimating yourselves to the pay freeze" -cta

Glenn said...

"I just thought I'd be less fucking bored."

The Great One said...

Nope. Can't see any black people from up here. But what do expect? We're on a hockey rink and in a New Yorker cartoon.

Manny Syllabic said...

Check ,please!

Manny Syllabic said...

Zam-blow-me! Whoaaaaa!

Anonymous said...

"Watch out for my under toe."

Dan

Anonymous said...

Would you be a dear and give me a toe pick?

Rocko

Steve_O said...

"That's it. Next year I'm definitely switching from the Julian calendar."

Turdface said...

"Heat rises, Asshole."

Anonymous said...

What is it with these motherfucking lifeguard stands in these motherfucking cartoons?

Jim Cavanaugh

Satireguy said...

"I said skate the other way. Don't make me come down there."

NAMBY said...

"Okay, we get it. You nodded off, some little kid drowned and you're totally bummed. But it's winter now and the lake is frozen. Time to come down."

Anonymous said...

"Is ice ever mentioned in the bible? No. Jesus walked on water just like that."

Harry said...

"My job is on thin ice."

Steve_O said...

"Another year of seniority and I get to work the summer shift."

Anonymous said...

"Wait, did you say you only have eyes for me or ice for me? The difference is as big as your tits."

Dan

Anonymous said...

"Got it at the flea market. I think it's a half-way decent cap, but my boyfriend disagrees."

Satireguy said...

"The cone is for you to sit on and rotate, ma'am."

Satireguy said...

"It's a living."

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ward Clever said...

"I'm bored. Say something cleaver."

Anonymous said...

"But on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays I'm a judge."

Dan32

Anonymous said...

So, ask yourself, are you ready to feel my frigid and frantic death grip, the blood rushing from your extremities, the searing and unending pain, the only thoughts not of your loved ones but of your own selfish and ultimately futile struggle against the inevitable as we plummet to the bottom of Lake Rockefeller?
Drowning?
No, I'm talking about every moment of your waking life.
Happy Holidays!

JohnnyB said...

I know when to announce winners: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, Saturday.

JohnnyB said...

I froze a couple of digits. Do you mind?

Anonymouse said...

"It's very simple: The Contest starts just before winter and is judged just before summer."

Anonymous said...

Due to a scarcity of half-way decent caps, I'm wearing a visor.

Cap Anson

Nobler Smeaj said...

"I'm taking my caps to South Beach"

Steve_O said...

"Quit looking up my shorts."

Cliff said...

"What makes you think I'm hot?"

Lawrence Wood said...

"No one's ever drowned on my watch."

Anonymous said...

"No, it has nothing at all to do with global warming"

Anonymous said...

"T.A.Wincheler Name Plates Ltd., Greg speaking."

jazzy

boneguy said...

Make sure to keep on eye on that kid Julian and let me know if he takes a Wiki-Leak on the ice.

JohnnyB said...

Pessimists see me as half naked; optimists see me as half-way decent.

Around the dial said...

"A job like this starts out fun. virtually no pay offset by sun and tit-tays. Then it becomes drudgery. People - their presence, their expectations, their lack of creativity -- they just suck every fucking ounce of joy out what was once fun. I'm so fucking depressed I couldn't leave this chair if my life depended on it...Fuck you, I'm not talking about lifeguarding; I'm talking about judging the anti-caption contest. Lifeguarding kicks ass, dillweed."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.