Sunday, December 5, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #267

NOTE: Anti-Cappers were drawn to this cartoon like flies to dog shit bees to honey. By Sunday evening we had 148 entries. That's impressive, but it's not hard to see what inspired this onslaught. There are few words more pun-worthy than "bee." Also, "be" is often haphazardly used in place of "is" or "am" [Try it. It almost always works.] "Be" also means "to exist" as in "to be or not to be" or "I think therefore I be."

Add to that the outside-the-box thinkers who found puns for "swarm" or "hive," and we have fertile ground for a stinking heap of Anti-Caps. As such, I approached the judging process like a cow swinging its tail. I shooed away most while a few reached pay dirt. My feeling is that the arbiters of the "real contest" are too full of themselves to recognize even the best puns. So when I see a razor sharp play-on-words in a contest like this one, I whisper words of wisdom, "let it bee."


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
This menu has nine entrees, but I can only pollenate. --Walt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is almost good enough to restore my faith in caps like this. Anyone can work "bee" in to a sentence but this Anti-Cap took it a step further. A brilliant pun and one of the best caps ever seen in this contest. But don't pat yourself on the back, Walt. That's like being the best hockey player in Ecuador.)

SECOND PLACE
"Given these prices, I'm not surprised you don't get many bees in here."
Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A bit awkward but well intended. The joke works better if an animal is seated at a bar. When the bartender says we don't get many bears or dogs or whatever, the classic response is: "At these prices, I'm not surprised." So the usually reliable Satiredude mailed one in but still scored.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Every plate you break, every dish you fake, every steak you bake, I'll be watching you."--dwilk (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, we recall that classic from The Police which was fronted by Sting. Even so, who the hell bakes a steak? This would have worked better with "cake." You bake cakes, dwilk, not steaks. Still resonates.)

"Ah ha ha ha. A 'bee' pun. What a clever waiter you are." -cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Replace "waiter" with "Anti-Capper" and this is my response to the majority of entries this week. I also notice cta can't spell "cleaver." I feel a connection. )

Phew! It swarm in here.--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of all the terrible puns dumped on us this was in the top 20. Okay maybe top 30. )

"Fuck you. I distinctly said "table for hive".--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim just doesn't know when to stop. I like that about him. )

"Each one's a bad caption. They're wannabees."--Dieter (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't blame the cap, blame the capper. Still, there is a sting of truth here [get it? sting?]. This also begs raises the question: what exactly do they want to be? UPDATE: Why is "begs" crossed out? Go here.)

“I can’t be certain, but I suspect it’s my new cologne . . . Chanel No. Hive.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Isn't that a lady's perfume? There were caps even worse than this one, if you can believe that.)

"Garcon, le EpiPen, merci." (Translation: "Frenchy-homo, I need my fucking EpiPen, thank you" ) --George B. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to a drug injected to treat life-threatening bee bites. The decision to go with "homo" instead of "fag" is progress. But wouldn't s'il vous plaƮt [prononced see vou play] work better than merci, which translates to "please stop hurting me?")

"Hey bees, look. It's Robert Goulet's illegitimate cyclops baby. Sting that motherfucker, STING HIM!" --W Ferrell (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is slightly good, but If Bobby Goulet had sired such a son, why would he be a cyclops? Why would he be targeted for a sting operation? A cap entered by Jess suggested that the waiter resembles legendary N.Y. Met first baseman, Keith Hernandez. That may be true, but a lot more effort went into this one. )

"Forget the food for a minute. My name is Burt and I've got something for your dry skin."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Burt's Bees offers a complete line of personal care items including toothpaste. Let's not pigeonhole an entire product line just to get a cheap laugh, okay? )

"What would I like? I'd like to get rid of these fucking bees" --C. Roster (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The customer's beekeeper get-up suggests that he invited this on himself. Still, you can't help but like the Zen simplicity here. )

I don't care if it is a law, I'm going to smoke while I eat! --Austin in PA (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Smoke is used to pacify bees. It also compels them to gorge themselves on Doritos honey. Sound familiar? )

"Due to a scarcity of half-way decent entrees on this menu I'll probably pick something on Monday, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday at the absolute latest."--Rob (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rob is either making fun of me or supporting me. Either way. )

Yes, I'd like flies with that.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The helmet-wearing guy does have eyes the suggest an ethnic tilt to the far east. Quick tip: It would have been more offensive if he said "ME like flies with that." )

On second thought, I'll try the flies on glill instead. --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Again with the flies. This highly unoriginal cap is a reference to a cap posted in a previous contest set in a restaurant. Noted)

"Sorry, but I think only got Flies on Glill. let me check for you."--Leap O'Faith (JUDGE'S COMMENT: LeapO piles on with more flies and somehow believes it is the waiter who is speaking. )

Waiter, some soup for my flie. -- JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Yet another puzzling cap from a deeply troubled man who also happens to be one of our most dedicated Anti-Cappers. At least Johnny is not lowered himself to the level of Rocko, Eric & LeapO. Not this week anyway.)

They're Johnny's Bees. --Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever entry build on an Anti-Capper's nom de plume. If Johnny actually get's this he will be mildly amused--as was I.)

"Hi, I'm Jeff Tweedy. They're not just songs, man." --J. Farrar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jeff is the front man of the band Wilco. A gifted artist with an unfortunate name. I wonder if he knows Dylan.)

Thank goodness there are no Africanized-Americans here to see this. -- Roger Kaputnik(JUDGE'S COMMENT: In an apparent effort to avoid being offensive, Rog went with "goodness" in stead of "God." Still, "Africanized-Americans" is not a fitting variation on "black people," and "Americanized-Africans" is very 1787. Still, this evokes a quasi-classic, so let's give Rog his due.)

This is a New Yorker cartoon that could benefit from a censer. --Stu Pitt (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Much too high brow for this contest. Still, "censers" are vessels made for burning incense, which is a lot like smoke and smoke makes bees mellow. Now do you get it?)

Just as the strawberry mescaline began to take hold of my psyche, the surly waiter approached. "Who do I have to Mace to get my goddamn Chivas Regal?" I barked. I only hoped that he would return with my drink before the bees set at him.-- H.S. Thompson (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Fear and loathing is a big part of what we do here, so this kind of works. R.I.P Hunter.)

"They only eat fusilli, you crazy bastard." --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Nice little nod to a classic. Should have added something like "How are you going to feed them?" That would have made it better.)

They hang around me 'cause the flowers here are unseen.--Konrad (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A real reach around to justify a classic. [Not that there's anything wrong with that.])

"Close your eyes, close your door. You don't have to worry anymore. I'll bee your baby tonight." ---Tim H. (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A love song from Bob Dylan that appears on the 1967 LP "John Wesley Harding." He casts himself as a baby and offers a set of instructions that include "bring that bottle over here." So maybe Dylan has an adult baby fetish. Who knew?)

“Honey bees are buzzin’, Leaves begin to stir, I’m in love with my second cousin, I tell myself I could be happy forever with her . . .I suppose that’s more information than a waiter needs.”---Floater (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is not the first time someone has evoked this strange little song from the Dylan album "Love And Theft." Let's try and keep it fresh and interesting, okay?)

“Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle in your boots and shoes, Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, you got nothing to lose,Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a swarm of bees, Wiggle on your hands and knees . . .And when you’re done with that bring me the filet, medium rare, with a side of nectar.---Zimmerman (JUDGE'S COMMENT: These are actual lyrics from a 1990 song that appears on the LP "Under a Red Sky." Sometimes it seems Anti-Cappers simply Google Dylan lyrics looking for songs with key words that match the cartoon. I am touched by this, but it is also part of the reason why my expectations are so modest. )

"You use to bee so amused, like Danny Napoleon in rags and the language that you used..."--Carlisle (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Obscure and dumb this still deserves a thumbs up. Danny N. played briefly for the Mets in 60's and this is a riff on the classic Dylan anthem "Like a Rolling Stone" [which I have sung at karaoke, by the way.] How this fits the cartoon, I'm not sure, but when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose, I suppose.)

[Please, Mr. alinla, send a special kudos to Carlisle this week. I never thought I would live to see a Danny Napoleon comment...er, I mean, "Anti-Cap." Let alone amid a pun -- with a twist o' Dylan that you love so well -- added for good measure.]---Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Don't want to be argumentative but it's not "twist o' Dylan." It's the central theme of the cap. And I thought I made myself clear about backseat judging.)

You're Un bee lieve able --Cleaver EMF (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An obvious pun that has the added advantage of referencing the 1989 hit single from the British dance-rock quintet, EMF. That same year, I saw them play at MTV's New's Years Eve Ball. The show was taped in mid-November and "midnight" was celebrated at 10 pm. When New Year Eve rolled around that year, I stayed home and watched the New Year's party I had attended six weeks earlier. It was surreal. True story.)

Who's Ulee, you crazy bastard?!--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Crossword puzzle solvers know that this is a nod to the 1997 Peter Fonda film, "Ulee's Gold" Henry's son and Jane's brother plays a reclusive beekeeper with a dysfunctional family. We also have a classic angle. "Who's Ulee you crazy bastard." sounds like "Fusilli, you crazy bastard!" But where's the "How are you?" Let's not get lazy, Rock.)

Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said "ow!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6RwucrtQeM --Eric G (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link informs us that people in a free country are only sometimes free to raise bees. The New York Times cautions that a there is an "urge to stem the worrisome decline in the nation’s bee population." That's what this one is all about.)

It's a bee keeper's helmet. I'm anti-cap.--Cap Anson (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cap Anson took home the (imaginary ) first place trophy last week by saying the same thing about the lifeguard's visor. So, if last week's cap is "Goodfellows," this is "Casino." That's why it's all the way down here.)

"What do you recommend for a
former ice hockey referee/janitor?" --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Perhaps a Sloppy Joe on the rocks. Kathy apparently read all of my comments last week. She also provided a link in the apparent belief that few others did likewise. She manages to flatter me and put me in my place all at once. In other words: A typical Anti-Capper.)


149 comments:

C. Roster said...

"What would I like? I'd like to get rid of these fucking bees"

Jess said...

"I'll have whatever bee's having."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"It's called a bee-neck sweater."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"...and I might ask why you're dressed like a waiter."

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"I'll have the honey-glazed ham...hold the honey."

Anonymous said...

"In Russia, buzz has restruant."

Austin in PA said...

I'm sorry, but my eye has swelled shut. Could you read the menu to me?

Austin in PA said...

When I asked for a table for 300, I suppose it was too much to assume it would be next to a window?

Austin in PA said...

I don't care if it is a law, I'm going to smoke while I eat!

Anonymous said...

"Due to a scarcity of half-way decent entrees on this menu I'll probably pick something on Monday, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday at the absolute latest."

Rob

Anonymous said...

"I ordered a Stinger. It's a cocktail with brandy and creme de menthe. Now get these fucking bees off me."

Dan

Anonymous said...

"Separate checks... and quit calling me honey."

dog

Bee Arthur said...

"What are you waiting for?

Glenn said...

"They turned creamy white when they started feeding off my pearl necklace."

Glenn said...

"Don't you have any vegan options? I don't eat any animal products."

Tim H said...

"By the way, is that Bizet?"

Eric G said...

On second thought, I'll try the flies on glill instead.

Kathy H said...

"I just had to get out of New York and those goddamned bedbugs."

Anonymous said...

I'll have the Bee Stroganoff.

Jim Cavanaugh

smuck said...

"Don't worry, they're non-Africanized."

Anonymous said...

"Does that contain peanuts?"

Rich

Slack-a-gogo said...

This is a little weird, but it's so refreshing to model for somebody that likes to draw something other than nudes.

J. Farrar said...

"Hi, I'm Jeff Tweedy. They're not just songs, man."

Anonymous said...

"You serve black people don't you? I'll have one medium-rare."

Bev

Satireguy said...

"And bee quick about it."

boneguy said...

It's just my neck that's decomposing. The rest of me is fine.

Satireguy said...

"And could you make it quick since we're going to see Seinfeld's dreckfest 'Bee Movie'."

boneguy said...

Christ, they were maggots 10 minutes ago.

Tim H said...

"Please let me know when the rest of my party arrives: Johnny B. Goode, Alice B. Toklas, Ann B. Davis, and Bebe Rebozo."

Roger Kaputnik said...

Thank goodness there are no Africanized-Americans here to see this.

Stu Pitt said...

This is a New Yorker cartoon that could benefit from a censer.

Kathy H said...

"Actually, they're quite intelligent. Last year they participated in the National Spelling Bee."

Anonymous said...

"Excuse me, I was expecting a lifeguard."


---blw

Anonymous said...

"So, I hear this place is getting a lot of buzz lately."


---blw

JohnnyB said...

And if I decide to keep them, what does that make me?

JohnnyB said...

Waiter, some soup for my flies.

Anonymous said...

They're Johnny's Bees.

Anonymous said...

"I was told this was a very elite, snobbish restaurant . . . in fact, I heard you only served WASPs here."


---blw

JohnnyB said...

No would you tell me about the birds?

JohnnyB said...

Yes, my name is Oblio and, yes, I've been goofin' with the bees. What's your point?

Anonymous said...

“I ordered a glass of mead, dammit! What do I have to do, make my own???”


---blw

Anonymous said...

"We'll have what he's having."

Anonymous said...

When their ship landed on my head, I said "Welcome to my neck of the woods". Big fucking mistake.

Anonymous said...

... and two from column bee.

Rocko

Eric G said...

My eyes are swollen shut, nurse. Can you reach the epi pen in my pocket?

JohnnyB said...

Hey, honey, lend me your comb.

Anonymous said...

"I didn't ask for KY Jelly. I asked for Royal Jelly."

Anonymous said...

"Every plate you break, every dish you fake, every steak you bake, I'll be watching you."

dwilk

W Ferrell said...

"Hey bees, look. It's Robert Goulet's illegitimate cyclops baby. Sting that motherfucker, STING HIM!"

Tim H said...

"Close your eyes, close your door. You don't have to worry anymore. I'll bee your baby tonight."

George B. said...

"Garcon, le EpiPen, merci."
(Translation: "Frenchy-homo, I need my fucking EpiPen, thank you" )

O. Behive said...

"Can you change the muzak? All I hear is a drone"

100th Monkey said...

"Speak up! All I can hear is a drone."

H.S. Thompson said...

Just as the strawberry mescaline began to take hold of my psyche, the surly waiter approached. "Who do I have to Mace to get my goddamn Chivas Regal?" I barked. I only hoped that he would return with my drink before the bees set at him.

JohnnyB said...

No, I'm Judah NECK-O-bee. People always get us confused. Happy Hanukkah.

Anonymouse said...

"Bring me anything but the Nutty Salmon."

Gary P said...

"They only eat fusilli, you crazy bastard."

Anonymous said...

"Tune-up, oil change, check the tires and get rid of the bees."

Dan32

Anonymous said...

[Jan. 14, 1967] "Which way to the Human Be-In?"

Jim Cavanaugh

David D. said...

"I was told that if I got a 'beard', then nobody would be able to tell that I am gay. Is it working?"

Anonymous said...

"Forced buzzing didn't work in the 70s, but it's making a comeback."

Rich

Anonymous said...

Phew! It swarm in here.

Jim Cavanaugh

Obligatory Dylan said...

"I wonder what we're gonna do,
If we don't come up with something new."

Anonymous said...

"You know, once you're labeled as a flaming queen, it's hard to shake the stereotype."


---blw

Anonymous said...

“Honey bees are buzzin’,
Leaves begin to stir,
I’m in love with my second cousin,
I tell myself I could be happy forever with her . . .
I suppose that’s more information than a waiter needs.”


---Floater

Damon said...

"Yes, they're my bees. But tonight, since you're my waiter, they're our bees. Speaking of which, I'll have the roast beef."

Anonymous said...

“Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle in your boots and shoes,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, you got nothing to lose,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a swarm of bees,
Wiggle on your hands and knees . . .
And when you’re done with that bring me the filet, medium rare, with a side of nectar.”


---Zimmerman

Anonymous said...

Yes, I'd like flies with that.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

Be careful. They're pissed off about David Stern taking over the Hornets.

Rocko

 Konrad said...

If you bee hive yourself, I'll leave a nice tip.

Anonymous said...

"So, you found me and are here to take my order. I guess it's true---you can run, but you can't hive."


---left coast wayne

LR said...

"Of course they're not Africanized-Apiarians- this IS the New Yorker."

S. McQueen bee said...

Figures .... Last week I had hives

Cleaver EMF said...

You're Un bee lieve able

Werner Von B. said...

That's what I get for Baren my Jaeger

Jack Torrance said...

Honey I'm Home!

Kooky said...

Can I borrow your Comb?

Hans Delbruck, scientist and Saint said...

I be Normal

Anonymous said...

"Eat shit. 50,000,000 flies can't be wrong."

Davis Sammy Jr. said...

"I gotta me bee!"

boneguy said...

Can you split the bill 600 ways?

LR said...

"You see how the workers are inseparable from the old queen?"

LR said...

"Forget the food for a minute. My name is Burt and I've got something for your dry skin."

Damon said...

"I'm looking for a big meal, with a big taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not small. No, no, no."

LV said...

"I'll wait to order- I'm expecting Sting."

Satireguy said...

"And could I see your honey mead list, please?"

Anonymous said...

"Do you have anything without wheat, dairy, meat, eggs, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts, soy, shellfish, spices, natural or artificial colors, or chemical additives? I've got wicked allergies."

Muffy said...

"You 'like my beard'. You should see my merkin."

Steve_O said...

"No, they're not African bees. This IS a NY cartoon, after all."

Steve_O said...

"What's the matter- never seen anyone covered in festering boils before?"

Glenn said...

"I don't believe you. The manager specifically said he needed to hire a beekeeper. Why would he need a bookkeeper?"

Anonymous said...

"Kinda stupid of me to forget the veil, huh? Even stupider of you to be standing here next to me with no protection at all."

Anonymous said...

“I can’t be certain, but I suspect it’s my new cologne . . . Chanel No. Hive.”


---left coast wayne

Glenn said...

"Order? Oh, I'm sorry. Has anyone ever told you that you have alluring pheromones?"

Anonymous said...

"I'll have the seared Chilean sea bass and... wait a minute, you have cops' eyes..."

Granger

Anonymous said...

"I'll hi-hi-hi-hi-havvve the be-be-be-be-beeeeef tenderloin."

Rich

Anonymous said...

"Fuck the bees, how did my wife's ass get on your menu?"

Dan

Gary P said...

"Apis mellifera carnica Pollman. Why do you ask?"

Eric G said...

Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said "ow!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6RwucrtQeM

Anonymous said...

"100th Cap Alert!"

Vito said...

"I've been sent here to remind youse you have until the end of today to pay off dat debt..."

B. Happy said...

"I got all 'B's throughout my entire schooling; I took it as sign from God."

 Konrad said...

Get these damned bees off me or I'll have your head on a fuckin' platter! By the way, does that come with flies.

 Konrad said...

I used to be Hooked on Phonics till I discovered apiculture. Now why don't you mind your own beeswax and take my order.

Anonymous said...

I just won a Beebody award.

Jim Cavanaugh

Jess said...

"I judge their contest. That's why."

Anonymous said...

"Each one's a bad caption. They're wannabees."

Dieter

Anonymous said...

"They would attack you, but that 1940s mustache must really be throwing them."

Scrunchy Face said...

"Shut up, just shut up. You had me at 'Hello, I'll bee...'".

Anonymous said...

"Ah ha ha ha. A 'bee' pun. What a clever waiter you are." -cta

Anonymous said...

"It was either wear this or a turtle-neck." -cta

Kathy H said...

"What do you recommend for a former ice hockey referee/janitor?"

Anonymous said...

It's a bee keeper's helmet. I'm anti-cap.

Cap Anson

Anonymous said...

"No, these are just honeybees. What stung you on your anus was probably a bumhole bee." -cta

Tim H said...

"Apropos of nothing, but I think Grace Kelly was a truly beautiful person, inside and out. We all lost a real princess."

Anonymouse said...

"I'm just celebrating my New York Times profile."

Waiter heard said...

"Don't worry. Bee happy."

Satireguy said...

"I'll start with vodka stinger and don't skimp on the antihistamine."

Buzz said...

"My friends call me Buzz."

Anonymous said...

"You use to bee so amused, like Danny Napoleon in rags and the language that you used..."

Carlisle

Leap O'Faith said...

"Sorry, but I think only got Flies on Glill. let me check for you."

Damon said...

"Bee nice, hornets time I'll dine elsewhere."

Victim of Me-Play-Joke said...

"Remember me from shitty-service-night two weeks ago? Well it's payback time, Bitch."

Anonymouse said...

[Please, Mr. alinla, send a special kudos to Carlisle this week. I never thought I would live to see a Danny Napoleon comment...er, I mean, "Anti-Cap." Let alone amid a pun -- with a twist o' Dylan that you love so well -- added for good measure.]

PST Jeff said...

Nice mustache, idiot.

Steve_O said...

"Yes, it IS an unusual hat. Thanks for noticing."

Steve_O said...

"Oh god, help me! I'm allergic to insect stings! Why did I ever wear this fucking bee necklace?"

Satireguy said...

"Given these prices, I'm not surprised you don't get many bees in here."

Hamlet said...

"To eat or not to eat, that is the question."

Anonymous said...

Fuck you. I distinctly said "table for hive".

Jim Cavanaugh

Naturopath said...

“Had I known it was family style, my birds would be here too.”

Richard H said...

"If I had to grade this restaurant, I'd give it a B."

Richard H said...

"The last time I came here, there was a fly in my soup."

Richard H said...

"I know that I come here so often I can order with my eyes closed, but maybe you could open yours and pay attention to what you're writing. You screwed up my order last time."

Anonymous said...

"Keith? Keith Hernandez? Is that you? Well I'll be!"

Gary P said...

"I'm not sure if it's Acarine disease or Varroatosis, but I don't want to leave them alone right now."

boneguy said...

It's a suit made of dung. What of it?

Anonymous said...

Who's Ulee, you crazy bastard?!

Rocko

Walt said...

This menu has nine entrees, but I can only pollenate.

Sammy Davis Jr. said...

"Hive got to bee me."

 Konrad said...

They hang around me 'cause the flowers here are unseen.

Glenn said...

"No, not Africanized. They were trained by Idi Amin Dada. They're Dadaists! Hah!"

Gary P said...

"Do you have another menu? This one has bee poop on it."

Doubting Thomas said...

I seriously doubt Al's going to post winners on Monday morning, based on the way thing have been going.

Anonymous said...

We reconnected on Neckbook.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"Not really a recipe. A formula. Negative bee plus or minus the square root of bee squared minus 4 ayyy see, all over 2 ayyy."

Opie said...

"I miss Aunt Bee."

 Konrad said...

I think they're neckophiliacs.

Post-judgement grumbler said...

Misspelling and grammatical errors are forgivable. Misuse of the phrase 'begs the question' is not.

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.