Monday, November 15, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #264


NOTE: It was just another Sunday and as I went about sifting through the heap of Anti-Caps submitted last week, it became increasingly clear that this cartoon is a dud. Just a big knob or maybe little tiny people. So what? I called an emergency meeting with myself and decided to extend the deadline in the hope of attracting a half-way decent cap or two. This would free me up to watch football on TV and ponder the fate of humanity. Naturally, the extension triggered several caps maligning the judging process and, of course, the judge. That kind of stuff is common and more amusing than annoying (but still somewhat annoying). I was impressed to see that more than 40 caps were added since Sunday. I went through them as fast throughly as I could. There were no real stand outs but I appreciate the commitment.

My re-request to those participating is that you post only those caps that have some kind of redeeming value and post no more than five entries each week. Leave a comment expressing your affection, indifference or disdain.



WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Restoration Hardware just merged with Industrial Light & Magic."--HOW'S MY CAPTIONING?1 800 382 5968 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It took nearly 10 days for this entry to appear. It is not really funny or edgy but it explains this obnoxiously big door knob. I also like the signature. I did not call the number so feel free. )

SECOND PLACE"Not the hole, too obvious. The knob - as in, everyone gets a turn. That's why it reminds me of your sister." --Amateur Apertures (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if it was an oven he'd be saying something about how every puts their meat in. Yes, I too was once 14. But tasteless-joke-wise. aren't we suppose to go after mothers? You know, the one who is so dumb that it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes? In a week were the caps were especially bland and listless I thought I make a statement by picking something absolutely awful as the 2nd place winner.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS"Worst. Glory Hole. Ever." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Zagat has yet to weigh in so we'll just have to assume Steve did the research to make such a bold pronouncement. This is picked mainly based on it being even more stupid and gross than the other entries this week.)

"Idiot. I told you to the boss wanted a 'whore with big knobs'" --NAMBY (JUDGE COMMENT: Instead he got a door with big knobs. Get it? Happens all the time. This assumes there is an equally large size knob on the other side of the door. )

"Remind me again. Are we way too small, or is it way too big?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests that he knew the answer but forgot. That what gives this its edge.)

"I AM big. The movies got small and the doorknobs got big too."--Rich (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A classic line from the film Sunset Boulevard. I may be reading to much into it but it makes a statement about how everything is relative.)

"It's actually a cat door for a really big, paranoid (redundant) cat, and we're actually really small. Actually."--Mouse-sized people (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That rare breed of cat that can work a door knob. Maybe if you had gone with "fat cat." )

That was an excellent lunch. Where did you find those mushrooms?--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Naturally Johnny assumes that it is a drug induced hallucination. With each passing week he becomes more of a cautionary tale, as do I.)

"It's left over from the Brobdingnagian merger."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too high brow and not funny. Brobdingnag is from Swift's Gulliver's Travels.)

"I only joined this company because I'm a peeping tom." --Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This tries to make sense of this image and is slightly funny the first time you read it. Read it again and again it becomes really awful.)

"Erin Andrews had it installed."-- Glenn (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. So it's an obscure reference but a really stupid one. Erin Andrews is a reporter for ESPN who was surreptitiously videoed while dressing in a hotel room. The creep(s) posted the grainy, blurry video on-line. So we get the reference, but why the hell would SHE of all people have an over sized key hole installed? Also fun fact: lawyers for ESPN threatened legal action against anyone who posted the video but refused to confirm that it was Andrews bare breasts we were ogling. )

“You will start out standing, Proud to steal her anything she sees; But you’ll wind up peeking through her keyholeDown upon your knees . . .Actually, you may need a stepladder . . .”--blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another cap from blw mentioned Knockin on Heavens Door. Can't go wrong with Dylan. I just hope you people are simply Googling key words in a shameless bid to curry the judge's favor.)
"♪ ♫ ...and one pill makes you small, ♫ ♪ ♫" --Gary P (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever cap with actual musical notes. It a line from White Rabbit, of course. In my high school they were fond of saying reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Yes that's the kind of high school I went to.)
"My baby done changed, yes, she done changed the lockon the door." --stcoleridge (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Without actually hearing this old blues song you just know the next line is "now my key don't fit no more." This was posted twice, once with a comma and again with a semi-colon. That is both sad and impressive."

"This reminds me of that album Strange Days by, y'know, The Doors." --Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I do know. The classic rock station here plays "LA women" at least twice an hour.)

Governor Crist thinks this Doors thing has been blown out of proportion.--Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The governor, who is widely believed to be gay, is trying to get Jim Morrison off posthumously. There is a joke there someplace).

“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is--infinite . . . but that’s the custodian’s job, not mine.”---left coast wayne (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't understand this but I considered picking it as the first place winner just to screw with people.)

"Didn't you fuck Rick Kehoe?" -- Mario (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This actually kind of works on a few levels. Kehoe is a former hockey player and went on to coach the Penguins. Mario I presume is Mario Lemieux. I sort of knew that but Googled it anyway.)

They painted it white after Marilyn Chambers died. --boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another obscure reference. Got it dead porn star, green door.)

We call it Chuck's Knob-Lock, 'cause he couldn't hit it with a baseball from 20 feet away.---Rocko (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Chuck Knoblauch was a second baseman for the Yankees who occasionally had trouble throwing the ball to first base. This gave the Daily News an excuse to run his photo with the headline "Block-Head!".)

"What are we gonna do? It"s Saturday, it's 10:03 am, and young alinla is still asleep in there." --Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This suggests that Tim actually read all the comments last week. Including Mrs al in la and myself that makes three. Good use of your time Tim. It's now Thusday, 12:42 am, so Happy Thanksgiving.)

167 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kathy H said...

"Christ, I forgot my keys."

Anonymous said...

Tim H said...

"What are we gonna do? It"s Saturday, it's 10:03 am, and young alinla is still asleep in there."

Anonymous said...

"He won two Silver Slugger and one Gold Glove awards so we wanted to honor him."

Denny

JohnnyB said...

I guess we shouldn't have shared that bottle with Alice. Go see if she has any cake left so we can get out of here.

Glenn said...

"Erin Andrews had it installed."

smuck said...

"Christ, what a keyhole!"

Kathy H said...

"I'm not sure about the mouth, but the nose looks a bit Jewish."

Tim H said...

"Remind me again. Are we way too small, or is it way too big?"

Anonymous said...

You still wanna polish my knob?

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

I have myself shrunk every recession. It saves a boatload on grocery bills.

Damon said...

"This wall mural reminds us that the modern keyhole is still a big fucking mystery to every artist on the planet."

JohnnyB said...

For your first assignment, the giant wants you to fire the idiot who installed the doorknob down by the floor.

JohnnyB said...

So he says, "I'll hire you as security chief and pay you more than you can steal. And I need my golden girlfr ... goose back."

Mouse-sized people said...

"It's actually a cat door for a really big, paranoid (redundant) cat, and we're actually really small. Actually."

John Locke said...

"I bet you didn't know that I have such a huge Schlage."

Kathy H said...

Romantic sounds are eminanting from inside the room...

"I told that idiot Gulliver to put a sock on the doorknob. Sheesh."

Anonymous said...

"Got a key or something, Goldfinger?"

Bev

Kathy H said...

...emanating...

Tim H said...

"Ever since breaking up with her, I find myself walking past Evrolet Girl's apartment all the time."

Ted Cole said...

We're making a film of John Irving's novel A Widow For One Year, but we're looking for a different title.

Anonymous said...

“You will start out standing,
Proud to steal her anything she sees;
But you’ll wind up peeking through her keyhole
Down upon your knees . . .
Actually, you may need a stepladder . . .”


--blw

Amateur Apertures said...

Not the hole, too obvious. The knob - as in, everyone gets a turn. That's why it reminds me of your sister.

Anonymous said...

"Oh sure, you can go knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door all you want . . . just don't expect to open it yourself."


--blw

Damon said...

"Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window. Unless you get herpes - then he just shows you a big doorknob. I'm cancelling our date."

Damon said...

"I swear, I haven't been picking the lock to your daughter's bedroom and sniffing her panties. May God show a sign if I'm lying!"

Slack-a-gogo said...

Apparently that son-of-a-bitch locksmith husband of yours DOES know what's going on between us.

David D. said...

"Don't go in there."

David D. said...

"Some jackass put a single quote instead of a double quote in the specifications. It's just like that scene in Spinal Tap, except in reverse."

Glenn said...

"You're a knob gobbler. Go for it!"

Anonymous said...

“Well, you’ll have to admit, it certainly has cut down on all the recent burglary attempts.”

--blw

Gary P said...

"♪ ♫ ...and one pill makes you small, ♫ ♪ ♫"

Anonymous said...

“That’s what I like about representational art . . . it’s functional.”

---blw

Joel O. said...

"Hmmm!? God usually has his "Do Not Disturb" sign out."

Anonymous said...

"When you say her tits are the size of doorknobs you mean what?"

dwilk

Stihl Gottite said...

"Heads rolled in Procurement over that one. The boss actually wanted bigger knockers around here."

 Konrad said...

Handle it!

Anonymous said...

"Same guy who did the oversized stapler and oversized coffee mug and oversized..."

Tim H said...

Guy: "Knock, knock."
Gal: "Who's there?"
Guy: "Control Freak. Now, you say 'Control Freak who?' "

Kathy H said...

"This reminds me of that album Strange Days by, y'know, The Doors."

Glenn said...

"If you climb up and look in, it says 'YES' - Yoko's trying to land Justin Bieber."

Anonymous said...

"I AM big. The movies got small and the doorknobs got big too."

Rich

Dark Doorknobsen said...

"What door knob?"

Anonymous said...

“It takes a big man to admit there are certain thresholds that he will never cross . . . well, not all that big a man, I guess.”

---blw

Utellme said...

"If you think that's big, you should see her knockers."

Anonymous said...

“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is--infinite . . . but that’s the custodian’s job, not mine.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

I thought a Masters degree in English would open a lot of doors for me.

Rocko

Eric G said...

I must have misread the personal ad. I thought you were looking for someone endowed with a huge lock.

Utellme said...

"And this will be your workstation, Mrs. Crabitz. You did see 'slob on the knob' in your job description, yes?"

Utellme said...

"If you can procure a ladder, on Wednesdays at noon, you can look through that keyhole and see our CEO making love to any number of women, including his wife. He calls it the 'Hump Day Matinee'. Clearly, he has grandiose ideas as to his own importance."

Utellme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Utellme said...

"This is where we house our patients with severe delusions of grandeur. Those who believe themselves to be dogs or cats trapped in the bodies of humans, are just beyond that rubber flap at the end of the corridor."

Utellme said...

"You are the first woman at this firm ever appointed beyond mid-level management, Mrs. Pierce, and the only woman on this floor. Oh, and this is the ladies room."

Steve_O said...

"That reminds me...how's your yeast infection?"

smuck said...

"You should have seen it here earlier. We had over 500 guests at the party, all quite drunk. It was an Absolut knob scene."

Anonymous said...

The 50 foot woman likes to rub her clit up against it.

Unfunny Jed said...

"Our CEO's grandpa managed props on Land of the Giants, so we have a huge doorknob in the office. That's it...really nothing funny about it at all."

JohnnyB said...

That was an excellent lunch. Where did you find those mushrooms?

Anonymous said...

"That's the Executive Washroom. You'll get to see the inside if you ever make it big here." -cta

Satireguy said...

"And this is the Whitney's new 'modern door hardware' wing."

Anonymous said...

"It's another one of those Claude Goldenberg's, or whatever the fuck that Jew's name is."


dwilk

Pikup Andropov said...

In Soviet Union, door upstages your exit !!!

Satireguy said...

"It's left over from the Brobdingnagian merger."

Anonymous said...

"Not door key, you idiot, dorky."

James
Knob Hill, SF

Mario said...

"Didn't you fuck Rick Kehoe?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm talking here, Fenwick. Just keep your eyes out for the Grim Reaper with a giant egg."

Denny

Glenn said...

"I told them it was a bad idea to put it there, but they put it in the middle, anyway."

Anonymous said...

They say we'll grow to like it here.

Jim Cavanaugh

Steve_O said...

"Worst. Glory Hole. Ever."

Anonymous said...

I hope you aren't looking for an entry level position.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"I'm feeling like a doormat."

-- Dex

holden_c said...

"You still have that key to your chastity belt, you filthy whore?"

Anonymous said...

In Mexico, it's El Knob Grande. Here in the U.S., we call it the giant phony doorknob, and it's a panic! The oversized jumbo knob is much larger than it oughta be--in fact, it's just plain big! Simply attach to an ordinary door and then wait for the fireworks. Your friends will flip when they see how truly big a doorknob can be.

-Ronniewoo

Steve_O said...

"I only joined this company because I'm a peeping tom."

Anonymous said...

"Why send two employees to look for a fucking cat?"

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Here at Microsoft if you want to get inside the door you have to get inside the door."

Rich

Kathy H said...

"Ignore it. I do."

Anonymous said...

I like to make a big entrance.

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"It's not our biggest seller here at Doorknobs 'r' Us, but it sure is a great conversation-starter."

boneguy said...

They painted it white after Marilyn Chambers died.

Satireguy said...

"Because the boss is 25 feet high and has a huge fucking hand. That's why."

Anonymous said...

Governor Crist thinks this Doors thing has been blown out of proportion.

Rocko

David D. said...

"Wow, that's a really big keyhole. It's almost as big as my cock."

NAMBY said...

"Idiot. I told you to the boss wanted a 'whore with big knobs'"

 Konrad said...

Careful around the door hardware, Jones had his head crushed by the deadbolt.

Anonymous said...

"Brittany's brass is on the big side."

Will Bender

Anonymous said...

"The phallic symbol must be somewhere in your pants, Mr. Keystone."

Turn Left

Oy-ving said...

"Don't start up with me. I told you there would be changes when we moved to The Keys!"

Anonymous said...

I want a raise.

Jim Cavanaugh

Bob the B said...

"If it opened, it apparently leads to the insulated king stud."

stcoleridge said...

"My baby done changed,
yes, she done changed the lock
on the door."

stcoleridge said...

"My baby done changed;
yes, she done changed the lock
on the door."

stcoleridge said...

"Well, she says, doctor, that key you got me won't fit that lock no more."

Anonymouse said...

"Ix-nay on the oorknob-day...."

boneguy said...

Before I got the thing, I had no idea Andre the Giant moonlit as a locksmith.

Anonymous said...

"Wait a sec. We have shadows. We must actually be outside."

Anonymous said...

“Yeah, Tim Burton sent it over from the “Alice” set . . . that’s what I like about the movies, they’re bigger than life . . . Of course, anything’s bigger than our lives.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"We're trying to unlock the secrets of the universe and the door."

Brent

Anonymous said...

"I call it tunnel vision."

Brent

Anonymous said...

We call it Chuck's Knob-Lock, 'cause he couldn't hit it with a baseball from 20 feet away.

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"Let's make this the last time we ask Don Martin to design our office fixtures." --Jess

Richard Hine said...

"In the old days, we had a corporate ladder you could climb if you wanted to look through the keyhole. These days, everything's been turned into a fucking team-building exercise."

Glenn said...

"No, silly. The clitoris is more of a button, not a big honking knob."

JohnnyB said...

and this will be your box, Pandora.

Satireguy said...

"We used to have a Keogh plan but now we just have a keyhole plan."

Anonymous said...

"A little tongue oil should loosen her up."

disgusting

 Konrad said...

The problem is, we seem to have misplaced the key.

Anonymous said...

We're not a couple of midgets. Do you mind?

Rocko

Anonymous said...

"You should see the butler."

Lee said...

"They keep it locked now. Last time it opened, 4 people were killed."

Some Knob said...

a lot hinges on what we say here. and may I say you look a-door-able!

Anonymous said...

"Let's go home. It's my night to play TSA screener."

-- Dex

Anonymous said...

"They're starting to eat the dead."

dwilk

Anonymous said...

"Believe me, it takes more than just someone big to get through that door. It takes someone big with something very special. Someone like Alicia. Alicia Keys."


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

“Security? Believe me, it’s big around here.”


---left coast wayne

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, the winners of this anti-cap contest are behind that very door. Alinla is in no hurry to let them out, believe you me."


---left coast wayne

Steve_O said...

"That's the boss's office and yes, he's overcompensating."

Anonymous said...

"Judge's chambers, Marilyn Chambers, torture chambers—they're all behind that door."

expletive

Anonymous said...

"We've been granted a continuance or extension, from the Latin phrase inebrius coitus, so His Honor can continue to extend himself."

migraine

Just a Doorknob said...

"So many shitty non-working doorknobs were submitted to the anti-doorknob contest that we finally just settled on this archaic piece of shit"

Anonymous said...

"Reminds me of my wife...after her mastectomy."

bada bing

JohnnyB said...

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another demention: a demention of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of stupid things and dumb ideas; you've just crossed over into The New Yorker Cartoon Zone.

JohnnyB said...

They thought I could open it because I'm dorky.

Anonymous said...

Did you mean: dimension?

JohnnyB said...

no, but possibly I should have written "dementia"

Giant Fan said...

Didja mention the Giant Fucking Knob or would that be too self - aggrandizing? I'm a Big Fan

Eric G said...

Keep walking. That's al in la's anxiety closet. He's not coming out this week.

Richard H said...

"One would expect a doorknob of that size to generate at least a few notable anti-Cap comments"

Anonymouse said...

"That whimpering you hear is a certain ex-pat Staten Islander, crushed...crushed by the fact that he, once again, has been passed over for the position of Manager of the New York Mets. Let's just leave him be, shall we?"

Richard H said...

"I'm really looking forward to the new swipe-card system"

Bogey said...

"Has FedEx delivered anything today from Key Largo?"

Anonymous said...

"al is keeping the Black Friday specials locked up in there. Some think he's a closet racist."

Pussy version of JG said...

"That was just OK. Try again. This time with a little more conviction...'I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.'..Better?

Damon said...

"No, it isn't Black History Month. Why'd you bring that up?"

JohnnyB said...

In that room are 1000 monkeys with typewriters. So far they've typed the complete works of Shakespeare, yet not one acceptable anti-caption.

Anonymouse said...

"Personally, I think it's one of those hanging chad problems. Odd, given that he's the only judge...."

Anonymouse said...

"Rumor has it that, if this isn't resolved by tomorrow, Jimmy Carter will be asked to come in and oversee the entire process."

Satireguy said...

"What a doorknob!"

Damon said...

"A big wall doorknob gives you more turns, but it takes longer, and you still go nowhere. My work here is done. Analogy Man, away!" [flies]

Steve_O said...

"I never noticed before but, you're right, it IS a big doorknob."

Anonymous said...

“You don’t want to see what’s behind that door. It’s not a pretty sight---a bunch of chefs in the kitchen overhauling an off road vehicle.”


---the Venerable Bede

Anonymous said...

The results are gonna be late. al's on a free 7 day trial of ExtenZe.

Tiny

Anonymous said...

I'm not one to point a finger, but haven't there been scant few notable judge's comments lately?

Not J.D.

Hotdog on Highway said...

"Oh, that's where Mrs. Duggar hangs her uterus."

Anonymous said...

"We keep walking aimlessly 'til that fucker thinks something I say is tasteless, obscene and funny."

Denny

boneguy said...

Every time I get down about being really short, bald and overweight, I watch Marty. It kinda gives me hope.

Anonymous said...

"It's like we're in one of those fucking Harry Potter movies."

dwilk

M. Teresa said...

"Where the hell do suggest we keep Bad Ronald, you Gene-Shalit-look-alike-mother-fucker!"

E.F.S.P said...

"Fuck if I know, al. Doug McClure and Kim Novak thought it best to hide the evil, floating Satan priest behind a big ol' doorknob!? But come on, if he's really that evil won't he just break out and kill everybody. Writers are darn stupid."

Anonymous said...

"Restoration Hardware just merged with Industrial Light & Magic."

HOW'S MY CAPTIONING?
1 800 382 5968

Satireguy said...

"First of all, it's way too big to be a practical doorknob. Second, it's at the bottom of the door rather than the middle. And third, what the fuck is that hippie thing you're wearing on your chest?"

Glenn said...

"Yes, I've looked through it, but all I see is the emptiness of my own soul."

Anonymous said...

"I remember entering this big door in an anti-caption contest. The door won first place, and I came in second."

Anonymous said...

Don't be impatient. al's busy reading the new books by Dubya and Sarah. He's bound to find something obscene, tasteless or inappropiate in those two suckers.

Patience

Gadzoiks said...

And this piece over here is called "Anal Sex". I'm not sure why it's called that...but...ummmm....hey, speaking of anal sex...

Anonymous said...

"It's a doggy door for that exceptionally large dog about town."

Jasmine

Austin in PA said...

It's the world's largest pinball machine, but no one's ever found a quarter big enough to start it up.

Anonymous said...

"We will one day know, huh. And I should care, why?"

Dumbledoor

Anonymous said...

"And the winner of this week's contest gets a big DOOR PRIZE!"

Ta Da and my wife La Te Da

Anonymous said...

"Enjoy your Thanksgiving vacation week. We appreciate your efforts to keep the contest alive. as for this week, we're withholding your paycheck until the results are posted....Oh, wait."

Anonymous said...

"I hate extended deadlines."

Slack-a-gogo said...

...and this concludes the tour of Flavor Flav's rejected neckwear.

Satireguy said...

"Alice doesn't live here anymore."

Anonymous said...

"What's behind the door, you ask? It should be a Thanksgiving feast but at the rate Alinla is going, it could be Christmas dinner---he has a crack team of mechanics working on it now."


---Tiny Tim

Satireguy said...

"Just walk softly and it probably won't open."

 Konrad said...

I feel that everything I say is being judged.

Anonymous said...

They live or die on the backs of Crosby and Evgeni Malkin, which is not such a bad thing in the less than tough Eastern Conference. I have a Life and Health Insurance license surrounded by Missouri, but this job has really nothing to do with insurance.
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