Monday, March 2, 2015

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #465




NOTE: Judging and comments  for this contest are guaranteed to be 100% authentic. --  al in la   


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I use Jews for these patch jobs because I'm anti-cementic."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Are they union jews at least? This could easily make the list of most offensive Anti-Caps ever seen here. It is also one of the best puns EVER since in history!)
SECOND PLACE
"And this is where we tread on the upturned faces of the proletariat..."--Evan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Insightful political commentary, probably based on a quote from Marx or something. If the people water-sking saw the galley-slaves rowing their asses off, we would achieve a more egalitarian society. I have always said that. )
THIRD PLACE
"Okay, now close it!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too perfect! Short, sadistic, nonsensical...and remarkably enough, funny. Extra credit: You know the two suits are about to get splayed with human goo.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"It's their fucking fault, not ours."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And vivid and pointed reminder that in the corporate jungle, shifting blame is a crucial survival skill. Also, please note: This is only one of three caps out of 40 entered  to evoke the f-word. That's kind of fucked-up.)
I am haunted by the faces of my victims, until this afternoon when the contractor comes and fills this is--.JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First thing I thought of when I saw this cartoon was “I'll bet JohnnyB, goes with a haunted by the faces of my victims...” cap. And boom! Here it is! The finish is little lame but realistically, where else were you going to with this? Thanks for your continued contributions here JB. Like a cocker spanel who only wants to be groomed by the guy who has been doing it for years, I know you find new judges scary. I'm here for you J.B. )

"In Russia, crack smokes you."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The little squiggly lines over their heads make it look they are indeed smoldering...so this seems okay. )
"This stuff happens when you work for Black Diamond Bay."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Count on the Anti-Capper whose screen name evokes the two crappiest states in the country to provide our requisite Dylan mention. Included in this great song off the album "Desire" is one of my favorite Dylan verses of all time:

I was siting home alone one night in LA
Watching old Cronkite on the seven o'clock news
It seems there was an earthquake that
Left nothing but a Panama hat
And a pair of old Greek shoes
Didn't seem like much was happening
So I turned it off and went to grab another beer
Seems like every time you turn around
There's another hard-luck story that you're gonna hear
And there's really nothing anyone can say
And I never did plan to go anyway
To Black Diamond Bay.)

So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy. What'd you say your name was again, kid?

An instant new classic--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hired to be fired, I suppose.  Truth be told, I was the originator of this highly insightful cap. [I shit you not.] I threw it in the stew when I saw the three magicians a couple of weeks back. Someone had hi-jacked my contest and coughed up results. I was like, "Sure, okay. I guess."  Truth is, when I went to the Anti-Cap today, I half-expected that someone else might have rendered results. This has been the case in the past two weeks, but it would seem the interloper is has already lost interest. I thought now would be a good time to toss in my two-cents. You know! Start my come-back! You see, much the way I really , really want to do the anti-cap, work out more [Alright! Workout!] and take those five huge bags of empties in the garage back to the re-cycling place...I can never seem to find the time. Even so, it may interest some people this silly little blog consistently gets 100 visits a day. So I'm easing my way back in.)















40 comments:

JohnnyB said...

So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy. What'd you say your name was again, kid?

An instant new classic

JohnnyB said...

Would you like to light one of my human candles?

NJ-to-TX said...

"New Japanese CEO - Whose fault do you think it is?"

boneguy said...

Fucking wiccans.

Shelly said...

"Our legal team isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Evan said...

"And this is where we tread on the upturned faces of the proletariat..."

Anonymous said...

"Fuck 'em."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"There's a group that needs some 'Personal Financial Planning'!"

Tim H said...

"You know that class action suit? Well, say hello to the class."

Anonymous said...

"World's. Best. Urinal."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I guess this route never recovered from 'Hurricane Sandy'!"

boneguy said...

Are you sure auditions for "Being John Malkovich 2" start next week?

boneguy said...

I keep telling my son this is what happens if you don't get into an Ivy League school.

boneguy said...

They couldn't prove they weren't robots.

Anonymous said...

"This is nothing. Wait till you see the aftershock."

JohnnyB said...

I am haunted by the faces of my victims, until this afternoon when the contractor comes and fills this is.

JohnnyB said...

My names McCrakin, Phil McCrakin

NJ-to-TX said...

"Stay away from the bathrooms. Tsunami."

NJ-to-TX said...

"This stuff happens when you work for Black Diamond Bay."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Do you smell jet fuel?"

Kathy H said...

"We had Too Many Stars."

Anonymous said...

"I use Jews for these patch jobs because I'm anti-cementic."

Dex said...

"That's Phil, and Phil, and Phyllis, and Phyllis, and Phil, and Phil."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Oops ... Better call Uber ... And get one with a Breathometer!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So this is the human race ... Whata disgrace!"

boneguy said...

We're test marketing our "Hell is For Lovers" campaign

REX said...

"In Russia, crack smokes you."

Anonymous said...

The whole office is cracking up today.

NJ-to-TX said...

"Okay, now close it!"

Stu Pedassel said...

"Look! You can see right down that woman's shirt."

Anonymous said...

"Look! On the lower left hand portion of the page--what the hell is that? "

Anonymous said...

"Life is great! One group's glass ceiling is another's glass table-top on which to drop some Danny Thomas Scrambled Eggs."

Anonymous said...

"Middle managers never die. They just fall in a crack."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Are our eyes popping out of our heads again?"

Dex said...

"People on crack in crack."

Anonymous said...

It's just part of the daily grind.

Anonymous said...

Working in the trenches must suck.

Steve_O said...

"Turns out it's cheaper to toss a couple more temps in than to repair it.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Dawn's crack is bigger than that!"

Anonymous said...

"It's their fucking fault, not ours."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.