Sunday, February 15, 2015

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #464

























NOTE: More winners from an anonymous interloping judge.  The effort, though uninspiring, is appreciated.  -- al in la               


WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NJ-to-TX starts strong right out of the gate. For those of you who don't watch the Cosby Show, he is referencing the 17th episode in the 2nd season where Dick Van Dyke played an out of work magician trying to stay sober so that he could marry his sweetheart. Cosby worked his own kind of magic and helped Dyke stay off the booze and get his lady. That episode was so memorable and well acted that many professional critics mark it as the height of the Cosby show before the downward cycle of ratings began. Subtle 70's television references seldom go unrewarded.)

SECOND PLACE
"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is speaking from experience here. I remember the night he took Kathy H (when her name was still Kathy) to a magic/jazz combination show in New Orleans. When the lead magician/saxophonist transformed a flat into a sharp, Tim leaped onto the stage and revealed the trick for what it was: A poorly concealed array of mirrors and fishing line. That was when Kathy disappeared into thin air for a week, an event Tim still attributes to the magician/saxophonist as revenge for revealing his illusion. Tim knows this for a fact because Kathy didn't pick up the phone for the duration of time she was made invisible.)

THIRD PLACE
"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The implications of this comment are terrifying. An incestuous group of only a handful of people comprise the entirety of al in la's fan base. The numbers are undoubtedly inflated because many of you have multiple names and make numerous anonymous posts. And for what? So you can receive validation from an inattentive, and frankly rude, father figure who rarely takes the required five minutes out of his day to hand down contemptuous judgments? I say nay. We can do better. Daniel Radosh would be ashamed. And I should know.)



HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.

2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.

Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool

Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.

Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.

- al in la"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now we are diving into a bottomless meta contest where judges judge each other while pretending to be people they are not. That being said, I find JonnyB's impression of al in la to be quite pedestrian. Leave the judging to the experts, kid.)

40 comments:

NJ-to-TX said...

"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."

Shelly said...

"I brought a couple of prestidigitators- do you mind?"

Shelly said...

"When I rented this flat to male prostitutes, I should have known they'd be bringing their tricks up here."

boneguy said...

My best trick? Posting pics of my junk on Twitter.

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's going to be a modern Filipino themed wedding. The ceremony will be in Tagalog!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Jose! When you're finished with that, would you clean the pool!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"In Soviet Union, illusionist fool you!"

Tim H said...

"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Next, we're going to saw you in half, and then pull a rabbit out of your vagina ... Although we're getting some resistance from the cottontail!"

Anonymous said...

"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid? "

Anonymous said...

"Show them how you make my boner disappear."

Jim Cavanaugh

NJ-to-TX said...

"That magician is quicker and his game
Is much thicker than blood and blacker than ink, dear."

Kathy H said...

"...and this is where the magic happens!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"You think Teller will ever say a word about what he saw? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Anonymous said...

"See, Kathy, the rabbit's still alive. You're just getting fat."

Anonymous said...

"OK, they're pretty lame tricks, but not as lame as Al's in the last anti- cap."

Anonymouse said...

"He came, he sawed, he conquered."

Tim H said...

"...and this is Casual Friday. You can just imagine what they wear the rest of the week."

Kathy H said...

"First lesson of sawing a woman in half: Measure twice, cut once."

BigRed said...

I like to call this my "magician practice room."

BigRed said...

"I brought you here under false pretenses!"

Jess said...

"And our last stop on the George W. Bush museum tour, these are the men who got him re-elected. For their safety, they must remain here."

SalmonOfDoubt said...

I don’t want anyone to believe you when you tell them about tonight. Feeling woozy yet?

Anonymous said...

Next I want to show you my leg collection.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"He saw her before I saw you."

JohnnyB said...

Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.

2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.

Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool

Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.

Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.

- al in la

boneguy said...

These are the replacements for the clowns who ran the Republican National Committee.

boneguy said...

You wanted to see how Wall Street really works.

Dr Sumguy again said...

"Next, we're going to saw you in half, and then pull a Cottontail out of your vagina ... Although the rabbit is now having second thoughts!"

Anonymouse said...

"It's rent stabilized, fully-furnished, and here's the beauty part: The magicians are all union members!"

JohnnyB said...

I took it upon myself to spew forth some winners. Have you ever given birth?

Anonymous said...

"Funny you should say 'Hi Men" because yours is about to disappear."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Next week we're going to saw a man in half. Apparently he's being parted out for a recap of 'Two and a Half Men'!"

Anonymous said...

WINNERS

First Prize: One week in the Northeast.

Second Prize: Two weeks in the Northeast.

Third Prize: Mets season tickets.

Anonymous said...

"You serious? You really didn't know? Come on. Walking on water? The fishes? Twice? Turning water into wine? The whole 'resurrection' thing? He was David fucking Houdini Copperfield!"

The Judge said...

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I have to show you this trick I learned from Bill Cosby."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NJ-to-TX starts strong right out of the gate. For those of you who don't watch the Cosby Show, he is referencing the 17th episode in the 2nd season where Dick Van Dyke played an out of work magician trying to stay sober so that he could marry his sweetheart. Cosby worked his own kind of magic and helped Dyke stay off the booze and get his lady. That episode was so memorable and well acted that many professional critics mark it as the height of the Cosby show before the downward cycle of ratings began. Subtle 70's television references seldom go unrewarded.)

SECOND PLACE
"So far so good. This is usually where my date disappears."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tim is speaking from experience here. I remember the night he took Kathy H (when her name was still Kathy) to a magic/jazz combination show in New Orleans. When the lead magician/saxophonist transformed a flat into a sharp, Tim leaped onto the stage and revealed the trick for what it was: A poorly concealed array of mirrors and fishing line. That was when Kathy disappeared into thin air for a week, an event Tim still attributes to the magician/saxophonist as revenge for revealing his illusion. Tim knows this for a fact because Kathy didn't pick up the phone for the duration of time she was made invisible.)

THIRD PLACE
"So..Kid, you say you want to judge the anti-cap contest uh? Come on in and meet some of our regulars: Johnny B, boneguy, Tim H. and his wife Kathy, who he's sawing in half right now. What'd you say your name was again, kid?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The implications of this comment are terrifying. An incestuous group of only a handful of people comprise the entirety of al in la's fan base. The numbers are undoubtedly inflated because many of you have multiple names and make numerous anonymous posts. And for what? So you can receive validation from an inattentive, and frankly rude, father figure who rarely takes the required five minutes out of his day to hand down contemptuous judgments? I say nay. We can do better. Daniel Radosh would be ashamed. And I should know.)

Honorable Mentions coming in the next post.

The Judge said...

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Winner: "The hours here are obscene" - Boneguy - a classic, however irrelevant, is a classic.

2nd place: "Liberty is just equality in school." - Anonymous Anonymouse - Dylan lyrics, however misapplied are always winners.

Honorable Mention: "Fuck!" - Dr. Sumguy - Profanity, however offensive is always cool

Honorable Mention: "Art LINKletter" - Kathy H - Kathy H's links, however stupid make you want to link up with her.

Dishonorable mention: All puns - Puns, however funny , are never winners. Deal with it.

- al in la"--JohnnyB (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Now we are diving into a bottomless meta contest where judges judge each other while pretending to be people they are not. That being said, I find JonnyB's impression of al in la to be quite pedestrian. Leave the judging to the experts, kid.)

"WINNERS

First Prize: One week in the Northeast.

Second Prize: Two weeks in the Northeast.

Third Prize: Mets season tickets."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A better attempt at judging. I enjoyed the fact that no one in their right mind would want to come in third place for this contest. I know this won't offend any Mets fans because they are nonexistent, much like the chances of the man in this cartoon getting of laid tonight.)

"Um, seriously though, you can, like, stop judging the contests before I get to them, man. I'm, uh, busy and stuff. Right now. Have a heart, man. My fans might realize what they've been missing all this time."--al in la (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No can do, Al. I gave you a long grace period in which to judge this contest, and you squandered it by reposting an old contest equating me with a monkey. I may have hairy armpits, and I do enjoy bananas more than the average human, but I don't think I'm a monkey.)

Anonymous said...

"Good thing February only has 28 days of putting up with this shit."

Anonymous said...

"I find it rather entertaining. Better than sweet fuck all from Al."

reid savid said...

"Everyone say hi to Beckie, it's her first time at Planned Parenthood."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.