Monday, August 25, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #440







WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Oh Fuck! ... I just spit some Red Man on my 'Jimmy Choo Zinc Metallic Cracked Leather Platform Sandal'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Google search confirms that Doc has used the correct name of shoes that offer no protection from the rain, yet are priced at $1,095. Red Man is indeed a popular brand of chewing tobacco. Together they create a stupid pun. And maybe I'm projecting but it seems the gratuitous use of a four-letter word was Doc's way of saying “Fuck Choo.” Nicely done.)
SECOND PLACE
Man I hate "Run Like Kirk Gibson Day".--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The Dodger slugger, hobbled by bad knees, belted two home runs against the Mets in the 1988 NLCS. He then hit a decisive HR against the A's in the World Series. Sure it was all very memorable and heroic, but as a Mets fan, I choose to recall that when he ran the bases wincing in a pain, he looked like a girl in high heels. I was going to pick this as the winner, but I didn't want to seem like a score loser holding a grudge more than 25 years later. So I picked it to come in second.)
THIRD PLACE
"My favorite player? Pumpsie Green."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As a die-hard hater of the [last place] Boston Red Sox, I knew off hand that they were the last major league team to add a black player to their roster. It was 12 years after Jackie Robinson's debut in 1947 that Pumpsie Green joined a team that could have been called the "All-White Sox” up until then. Another fun fact: The first black player to wear a Yankees uniform was catcher Elston Howard. A NY sports writer famously observed, “The Yankees finally added a negro player, and wouldn't you know it, they got the one who can't run.” Pumpsie, by the way, only played in the majors for five years and, predictably, ended his lackluster career playing for the NY Mets. He is also believed to be the only man in the history of the world to go by the name “Pumpsie.”)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"C'mon! C'mon! My stockings have more runs than you assholes."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Calls to mind the creative taunts I have learned as a Mets fan: “You couldn't beat out a rug!”...“You couldn't catch a cold”...“You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!”...“Put a tent on that circus!” … and, of course, “Hey ump! You suck!”)
"I'd give my left nut to have this contest judged, if I still had one."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of a foul ball, I suppose, but I don't judge lifestyles, just captons—when I get around to it.”)


69 comments:

Anonymouse said...

"Wait'll I get my hands on that equipment manager!"

Tim H said...

"Now I know why Joe Jackson was shoeless."

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, that Kinky Boots is a helluva show."

Anonymouse said...

"Joe, what's the sign for the hit and sashay?"

Shelly said...

"Hey ump, if I knew you were working today I would have worn my 'Bite me' shoes instead of my 'Fuck me' shoes."

Kathy H said...

"That's right. I started out in the Broadway Show League."

pg13 said...

"Strike? It was low again!"

Satireguy said...

"You pull the pitcher. I don't think I can make it to the mound."

pg13 said...

"Take a little break from the chew, Frank. Your saliva has been stinging my sores."

Satireguy said...

"We want a catcher, not a belly scratcher. We want a professor, not a cross dresser."

pg13 said...

"I'm not wearing a cup."

REX said...

"What? A pin-stripe jersey with solid white pants?…I'm gonna challenge that!"

Anonymouse said...

"My favorite player? Pumpsie Green."

pg13 said...

"We'll never win without killer PEDs."

boneguy said...

Ok Sparky, give the "you had me at hello" sign.

boneguy said...

And after the game I'll be the catcher.

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's ironic ... Baseball without balls!"

Anonymous said...

"Tryin' somethin' different. Rally caps don't work worth shit."

boneguy said...

Man I hate "Run Like Kirk Gibson Day".

Coach Lou said...

"He should take a Walk...on the wild side."

Tim H said...

"You think my shoes are odd. Well, what about the fact that we're a football team?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Oh Fuck! ... I just spit some Red Man on my 'Jimmy Choo Zinc Metallic Cracked Leather Platform Sandal'!"

MitchMatch said...

Money Balls or Loose Change

MitchMatch said...

He is the most outstanding swinger in his field. Left of center of course..

MitchMatch said...

He is the most outstanding swinger in his field. Left of center of course..

MitchMatch said...

Boxers or Thong

Anonymouse said...

"I wear my Jimmie Choos in homage to my favorite player, Choo Choo Coleman."

Kathy H said...

"Man, my dogs are barkin'! And my feet hurt, too!"

gfwrite said...

It didn't seem right otherwise, wearing the panties and all.

gfwrite said...

I've scraped gum off the last pair of cleats. I swear it.

gfwrite said...

You think THIS is a bad owner's idea? Whoever that new guy is on the bench is from the Braille Institute.

gfwrite said...

Then he says "If you don't want to get traded, get a Coach purse and spit only in that during the games."

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is awkward ... When they walk me ... It'a be 'slow, heel toe', slow, heel toe'!"

Satireguy said...

"C'mon, ya pussy, be a man!"

boneguy said...

Before integration the only place to play was the All-Transvestite League.

boneguy said...

I figure if we pull Lincecum from the rotation no one will notice my shoes.

Dex said...

"When I click my heels together three times, steal home."

Dex said...

"Go get my glove--it's the white one."

Anonymous said...

"The bitch got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

NJtoTX said...

"All this shit started with Gehrig's ice bucket challenge. He wouldn'ta been the luckiest guy on the face of the earth if I'd a gotten hold of him."

Tim H said...

"That's right, Harry. I'm in a league of my own."

Kathy H said...

"This season, road greys are the new black."

Dr Sumguy said...

"As Lady Gaga said ... 'This Is Who The Fuck I Am'!"

Coach Bag said...

"I wish Deebs would handle my rosin bag that gently"

Kathy H said...

"Baseball Is a Funny Game."

M Piazza said...

"Hey Zim, If I hoist my pants like this don't my balls kinda look like camel-toe?"

REX said...

"Yes Jenkins, I'm also wearing lacy panties and a bra. What the FUCK does that have to do with anything??"

Anonymous said...

Who does a guy have to fluff to get some balls on base?

Anonymous said...

"Swenson, keep looking straight ahead but tell me—do I look taller?"

REX said...

"It's a strange fetish: He runs on the field naked, security gets him down and I go out and put the squeeze play on his balls with these stilettos…He pays extra for that."

JohnnyB said...

I wish the pitchers would stop getting so nervous when i send them to the showers.

JohnnyB said...

Metropolitans? I thought it was short for Metrosexuals.

Anonymous said...

"My feet are killing me."

Jim Cavanaugh

Coach said...

"Oh, right, and if I take my heels off, Baseball isn't gay!?"

Anonymous said...

"C'mon! C'mon! My stockings have more runs than you assholes."

Steve_O said...

"For the last time, Frank, transvestite is NOT the same as gay."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Management has put me in a new position ... 'Switch Catcher'"!

Dr Sumguy said...

"So my zipper was down, and everybody started screaming ... 'FLY BALL, FLY BALL!"

Anonymous said...

After the war, Corporal Klinger caught on with his beloved Mud Hens.

Jim Cavanaugh

Dex said...

"Wow, a change-up. I didn't expect that."

NJtoTX said...

"Walk him down the runway and pitch to the rhino."

Boof said...

"If that sleazy-assed pitcher thinks I'm gonna suck his dick, he's dreaming."

Kathy H said...

"Yep. We just changed our team's name to the Killer Heels."

Anonymouse said...

"Yep! I put the wild in wild card!"

Anonymous said...

"I'd give my left nut to have this contest judged, if I still had one."

Anonymous said...

"This may be my last chance to really spike Jeter: Put me in coach."

Anonymous said...

I'd give my left nut, too. If I had one.

John Kruk

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Leslie Lim said...

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Camille
www.imarksweb.org

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