Monday, August 18, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #439




WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Well. Obama did promise us trains."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is better than it seems. Apart from being a quasi-classic, President Obama is indeed a staunch proponent of high speed rail. While he has earmarked more than $11 billion for bullets trains and the like, these projects have been stalled by conservatives who see mass transit as some type of Communist plot. There is no denying that Obama DID promise us trains.)
SECOND PLACE
Well built with her headlights on? I’ve got two of those, pal.”--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Like someone would call a bar and provide such a description. Still, you got to like the ambiguity. He could be talking about the trains, the women or,  for that matter, himself.)
THIRD PLACE
Yeah, so they come in here and ask for gin and tonics.
I set ‘em up and say, ‘24 bucks., please.’ Then I tell
them that we don’t get many subway cars in the bar.
And then wiseacre No. 3 pipes up and says, ‘Well, at
these prices, it’s no wonder.’ “But, they’re still here!”--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Once, when I was a reporter in NYC, I went to an after-work cocktail party in some big-ass nightclub. It was open bar from 6 to 8pm, so I was pounding down the drinks the way a journalist should. I ordered yet another cocktail at the instant the open bar became a cash bar. The bartender put down the drink and said, “That'll be...” [I forget how much, but it was a lot more than free.] I said “Um...I'll be right back.” I left and went home to Staten Island. Bought a beer on the ferry for $2. This reminded me of that, is all I want to say. )

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"All they keep syaing is, 'La via del tren subterraneo es peligrosa.'"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An online translation tool says it means “The underground railway is Dangerous." I don't get it, but I think it's kind of classy to have something in a foreign language here so )

"It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry, and it takes two trains to make you want to start shooting up the place."--NJtoTX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I never understood that line from Dylan anymore than I understand this one: “I ride on a mail train, baby. Can't buy a thrill.” Still, it's Dylan I want to encourage that.)

57 comments:

REX said...

Whispering "Yeah, It's fucking weird. They're both trying to pick up the same chick."

boneguy said...

Please come and pick them up. They've drunk one too many Long Island Railroad Iced Teas.

boneguy said...

They're here at all hours since Uber came along.

Anonymous said...

"When is the Number 2 coming?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"I said we don't serve subways, and they said it's O.K., they just wanted a drink!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Hello? ... 'Bud Light Tow to Go' ... Yah ... I've got two!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Now ther'e doing karaoke! ... First 'The 'A' Train', and now 'Empty but Loaded' times two!"

NJtoTX said...

"It takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry, and it takes two trains to make you want to start shooting up the place."

Kathy H said...

"They say they just finished basic training."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's getting bad! ... Now ther'e demanding handicap ramps, and railway coupling condoms!"

Satireguy said...

"No, they're not here."

Satireguy said...

"They asked me to call a cab, that's why."

Dex said...

"Stella?"

boneguy said...

They just got word they've been transferred to the No. 7 line out to Citi Field.

NJtoTX said...

"They suck at picking up women at the station, too."

Tim H said...

"All they keep syaing is, 'La via del tren subterraneo es peligrosa.'"

Kathy H said...

"I told them that they don't have to go home, but they can't stay here."

Anonymouse said...

"They say they're tired of passing Zabar's every day and not being able to go in."

NJtoTX said...

"MTA? Pelham 2 is dead. I need you to come pick up Pelham 1 and 3."

pg13 said...

"Well. Obama did promise us trains."

Anonymouse said...

“Yeah, so they come in here and ask for gin and tonics.
I set ‘em up and say, ‘24 bucks., please.’ Then I tell
them that we don’t get many subway cars in the bar.
And then wiseacre No. 3 pipes up and says, ‘Well, at
these prices, it’s no wonder.’

“But, they’re still here!”

Kathy H said...

"They say that they're not getting any sleep because of all the bedbugs."

Dr Sumguy said...

"The subway guys are here ... I'm waiting for the priest and rabbi ... To complete the joke!"

Anonymous said...

"Idiots are in here crying that both towers of World Trade Center got knocked down or something."

JohnnyB said...

...need a bunch of ambulances! subway cars crashed into the bar and there's a lot of people hurt, bad! Oh my god, please hurry!

boneguy said...

They can't remember if the Bronx is up and the Battery's down or vice versa.

Anonymous said...

...yes, two of them, off their rails, they seem loco, demanding that she ride coach. Send a car.

Tim H said...

"Yeah, and they try to pay with Metrocards and they try to tip with old-dated tokens."

Kathy H said...

"...and they keep playing The Tracks of My Tears on the juke box."

NJtoTX said...

"IRT Broadway–Seventh Avenue clunkers, what the hell do you think? We'd get the classy trains in here?"

Janet said...

"We have to stop meeting like this-!"

Dex said...

"Just a couple of guys from the wrong side of the tracks."

JohnnyB said...

Car 54? Yeah, 1 and 3 are here; where are you?

pg13 said...

"They're getting lubricated."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm calling about a 'Not in Service' ... We're sorry, the number you have called, is not in service!"

Kathy H said...

"...and now they're rating my female customers on the HO Scale!"

NJtoTX said...

The 1 train killed a guy at 137th street. The 3 got some woman in Crown Heights.

Anonymouse said...

"They always order the same drink: Night Train."

Janet said...

"If I hear 'Over the rainbow' one more time I'm gonna scream."

Janet said...

"Ya gotta speak up - with all the clanging going on in here I can't hear a thing!"

Dex said...

"She's gotta nice face, but rail thin."

boneguy said...

"You call it drinking. They call it training."

Jake said...

"Why couldn't the third rail have gotten them?"

Anonymous said...

"We're going to need a bigger Kong."

Satireguy said...

"They say they're tired of the commute."

Satireguy said...

"I tried to cut him off but apparently he's a bar car."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Number 1 had a bumper sticker that read ... 'BABY ON BOARD '! ... We're looking!"

Dex said...

"The bar is sagging a bit - lucky it is light rail."

Anonymous said...

"Take the A train."

Angus Podgorny said...

"Yes, officer, I can definitely see track marks on both of them."

Anonymous said...

“Well built with her headlights on? I’ve got two of those, pal.”

Boof said...

"They're both totally shitfaced, but I'm not stupid enough to tell them that they can't drive."

Tim H said...

"Yeah, their mother told them that their dad was a BMT, but obviously, they're both IRTs, so they're pretty bummed out."

MitchMatch said...

Yeah only two more big ticket items left on sail

MitchMatch said...

Hey lady do you want to see our 5 dollar foot longs?

Kathy H said...

whispering on phone:

"Yeah, he's here with his buddy. They're both disguised, but I can tell that they're both A trains. I'd know that stank anywhere."

Don Don said...

"They say they have changed jobs and now work for San Francisco teats."

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