Monday, August 4, 2014

New Yorker Anti-Cap Contest # 438






WINNERS


FIRST PLACE
"The meowers here are extreme."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A heavy handed variation on the classic “The hours here are extreme.” Sure it's clumsy and desperate, but not entirely illogical. While no one actually calls cats “meowers,” “barker” is an actual word, most typically used as part of “carnival barker” [“barker channel” is also a common expression in the cable TV business.] I also recall frat guys [among others] describing unattractive women as “barkers.” So, by extenstion, a guy who is a real pussy could be described as a “meower,” I suppose. It's a crule world but who can deny the nimble thought process .)
SECOND PLACE
"Tell asswipe I'll be late for work. I'm having a cat scan."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The take away here is the is a sickly man who hates his boss. Still, “asswipe” is gross and nasty even by anti-cap standards.)
THIRD PLACE
"Same ole, same ole. Oh, and Whiskers ate those fucking birds."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the privious week's content. Two issues: The birds were not fucking and “ole” should only be used when preceeded by “ye.”)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Another peeping tom--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Why would anyone be compelled to spy on this guy? Recently a friend casually observed “If it's on YouYube, there is someone beating off to it.” Now I can't get that sick thought out of my head while watching Abby Cadabby and Mrs. Sparklenose with my graddaugher.)
"Yes, I want it published in the Times."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This linked to something that made it relevant but I can't rememebr what. )
"Just tell Mr. Chase that it's Tony and that I finally found Big Pussy ..."--Janet (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very dumb. But Sunday used to mean “The Sopranos” in my house. I miss that.)

"When I said I hoped to see a huge pussy, I was thinking more of Evrolet Girl."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure, a throw-back reference, but still very troubling. Apparently this man does not have YouTube access.)

"The cat ate the real contest."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very stupid. Cats don't eat contests. There...I said what everyone was thinking. Happy now?)





73 comments:

Evan said...

Sorry, I can't talk right now - Ceiling Cat wants to watch me masturbate again.

Anonymous said...

"Same ole, same ole. Oh, and Whiskers ate those fucking birds."

LR said...

"Help, I've fallen in my jeggings and I can't get up!"

"When I said I hoped to see a huge pussy, I was thinking more of Evrolet Girl."

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, it's working fine, except that The Cat Channel is appearing in my window instead of on my TV."

Tim H said...

"I think it may be my disgusting, fish-smelling feet which is attracting these huge cats."

boneguy said...

For some unknown reason, my allergies are acting up.

boneguy said...

Stare all you want cat. My dog is getting me more beer.

Dr Sumguy said...

OH NO ... Not another cat cartoon ...... deja mew.

Dr Sumguy said...

"He only stares, when I'm on hold!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"The apartment? ... You might say ... I have a 'Cats Eye View'!"

Anonymous said...

Another peeping tom

Dr Sumguy said...

"Oh ... And he's marketing again! ... 'Garfield, a Tail of Two Pussies'!"

smuck said...

"Well, Obama did promise mange."

Anonymous said...

"Ok, ready? LBJ...I think it would go something like this..."

Kathy H said...

"Yep. It's That Darn Cat, again!"

REX said...

"Are you kidding? Too risky!….Yeah?….Okay then, YOU put whipped cream on YOUR balls and let her lick in off.!"

TDK said...

Sir, there has been a mix up. I ordered the black pussy.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Room Service! ... There's been a mixup! ... I ordered the 'Tom Yum Goong' ... Not the 'Thom Kat'!"

Kathy H said...

"I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat!"

Anonymouse said...

"Yeah, I named him Fido just to mess with his head."

Anonymous said...

"Tell asswipe I'll be late for work. I'm having a cat scan."

boneguy said...

Big Pussy didn't believe in reincarnation. Why?

NJtoTX said...

"Just waitin' to get grabbed by a claw and thrown up in the air until I'm dead. You?"

NJtoTX said...

"The drinks are ready and the dogs are going to war."

Satireguy said...

"Yes, I'd like to order one big fucking dog."

Satireguy said...

"Well at least this time it's not a pink elephant."

NJtoTX said...

"That one on the internet was a lot funnier. I'll upload it, anyway."

Tim H said...

"Yeah. Cat's outta the bag. Again."

Anonymouse said...

"I can't decide. Should I listen to Cat Stevens or watch Cat Ballou."

Kathy H said...

"Yes, I want it published in the Times."

Anonymous said...

Remind me not jack off with Fancy Feast again"

Janet said...

"Just tell Mr. Chase that it's Tony and that I finally found Big Pussy ..."

NJtoTX said...

"This acid you sold me doesn't do shit."

JohnnyB said...

This whole "Grumpy Cat" meme is out of control

richard said...

"Remember when you said we're gonna need a bigger cat?"

http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?id=377

JohnnyB said...

I don't know. I guess he wants some of my Nutty Salmon

Kathy H said...

"No. You're just blowing this thing way out of proportion. Speaking of which...."

Kathy H said...

"He says that his grandfather was Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive a Car". Alls I know is that this cat is driving me crazy!"

The Cat said...

"Get off the fucking phone or I'm going to fucking eat you."

Anonymouse said...

"Well, I call it a footstool, but sourpuss here calls it an ottoman. Go figure."

T.S. Eliot... said...

"Yeah...at the window...Betty Buckley...again."

NJtoTX said...

"I just let out a tremendous fart and then the room went dark."

NJtoTX said...

"This stupid framily plan. I guess if I'm lucky, he kills "mister hamster" next door."

Anonymous said...

"There's almost as much shit on TV as there is in my yard."

Anonymouse said...

"Ever since he showed up in the window my posture has been heading south."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Manager? ... Any units available on a higher floor?"

Kathy H said...

"Hello, Cat Control? Send over your best man."

boneguy said...

It looks like my cat got into Mark McGwire's secret stash.

boneguy said...

I think I may have a solution to your giant bird problem.

pg13 said...

"The meowers here are extreme."

Anonymous said...

Hello, is this EVROLET GIRL? I think I found your cat!

-- Schewlly

Dr Sumguy said...

"And it has this strange legend ... 'Objects In This Window May Appear Closer Than They Are'!"

Anonymous said...

"I'm not catastrophizing you dogmatic son of a bitch."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Also the TV's on the blink! ... I think its a 'Katzenjammer'"!

Kathy H said...

"Damn you, Gov. Cuomo!!!"

Anonymous said...

"Go ahead, Al. She's been spayed."

Anonymous said...

"The cat ate the real contest."

Kathy H said...

"I think we're going tohug it out."

Steve_O said...

"On second thought, hold the anchovies."

Shawn said...

I gotta go, my ride is here.

NJtoTX said...

"You follow the rabbit. I'll backtrack the girl. I'll meet you around the other side of the hill."
"Good. I've got a personal grudge against that rabbit, Jim."

gfwrite said...

...Yeah, he's a Japanese rescue cat named Fuckushima.

Anonymous said...

The trapped worked. Come on over and help me eat some pussy tonight

NJtoTX said...

"Hey, Schrödinger, your superposition to a large-scale system appears to have worked on a quantum level... He just got out of the box, how the hell should I know when it happened."

reid savid said...

"Fuck your parliament and your constitution."

Boof said...

"I want to speak to the fucking horticultural genius who sold me the catnip."

Satireguy said...

"We're going to need a bigger dog."

Anonymous said...

"Busy? Crazy busy! No time to judge that damn contest."

Satireguy said...

"We're going to need a smaller cat."

Anonymous said...

"I've got a 26 inch TV and a 48 inch cat, so don't tell me about your fucking problems."

Steve_O said...

"He’s eliminated the rat problem and started on the rugrat problem."

Dex said...

"Meh. I wait now for Katz."

Don Don said...

"Hello TEPCO?"

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.