Sunday, September 8, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #395















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"And this is our most popular seller—the Fuller Brush With Death."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Antiquated but nimble word play. As a kid I thought the guy knocking on the door was a “Full-of-Brush man.” Fun fact: both Billy Graham and Paul “Pee-wee Herman” Reubens once peddled this crap door-to-door.)

SECOND PLACE
"I just found out that you're my fodder!"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Works better if we assume the guy has a Brooklyn accent. As always, Tim's comic fodder is scattershot but painless. )
THIRD PLACE
"You'll go down in history as Cannonball Henderson...right along side Aerial Castro."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Aerial is the now-dead psychopath who held women hostage in Ohio. History will not be kind to him. Cannonball, of course, was Ricky's lesser-known younger brother.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"No, no, this is the way we vote in Egypt."--Don Don (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As Don surely knows, it was the lovely and talented Mao Zedong who said “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” )

"How many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever banned?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Those familiar with the classic song from which this cap is derived know Dylan rhymes “forever banned” with “sleeps in the sand.” The man's a freakin' genius is all I'm saying)

"Thanks for doing this. We don't usually get people of your caliber in this line of work."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What a grateful nation should have said to Barry when he was sworn in the first time.)

"You were supposed to attach the fuse, Billy. You crazy bastard."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Nice bastardization of a classic but why would the guy inside the canon be responsible for the fuse?)

"Shut up, Simmons. Everyone knows your gun carriage is a caisson."
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Caisson, it turns out, is a chest or wagon that holds or ammunition. Simmons was a guitarist for KISS. Noted.)

"...and when you reach evrolet girl's face, use this to put her mascara on."--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She is a big woman and it does look like a mascara wand so...)
"Hurry up or Judge alinla will dispense of us early!"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As in happens I'm runing behind again but I'm on the job, more or less.)
"Sit tight, Putin talked Al into delaying the voting"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Topical and clever. As Mrs. al in la can attest, I can be talked into almost anything.)
"Doesn't matter where you land or how creative you are, all we know with certainty is that you'll fly way over al's head."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I don't get it.)

71 comments:

boneguy said...

I can never get over how dapper French cruise missiles are.

boneguy said...

This is the last flight I book with Priceline. Go fuck yourself Shatner.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Before we proceed ... Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I noticed your nick name was 'The Vulture' ... Are you bringing any carrion?"

NAMBY said...

"...and when you reach evrolet girl's face, use this to put her mascara on."

Anonymous said...

"We're weaponising your flatulence, Cornwall, to gas Assad with your pants down."

LR said...

"If you're here for the 10 o'clock colon cleanse, turn around."

boneguy said...

In Le Cirque des Accountants, we've replaced the net with a nice big pile of spreadsheets.

Anonymous said...

"You're being promoted in accordance with Canon law."

Anonymouse said...

"Remember, it's 3...2...1...and then you yell out, Baba Booey!!"

Tim H said...

"I think you can loosen your tie now."

Kathy H said...

"How many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever banned?"

smuck said...

"You were supposed to attach the fuse, Billy. You crazy bastard."

Puffin said...

"Has the penny dropped yet? You're being fired."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Get out - this is Pachelbel's cannon!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And thanks for 'Flying Seat Of Your Pants' ... Our motto ... 'We Value Your Tush'!"

Anonymous said...

"This is your captain speaking—we're about to push back for takeoff. You'll be flying today at a speed of 600 miles per hour and an altitude of fifty feet."

Anonymous said...

"Now remember, half of you was shot out of your dad's weenie, so this should be old hat. Have fun!"

Anonymous said...

"Doesn't matter where you land or how creative you are, all we know with certainty is that you'll fly way over al's head."

boneguy said...

As a gay wedding planner, getting the groom out of West Virginia takes real ingenuity.

Anonymouse said...

"Hurry up or Judge alinla will dispense of us early!"

Tim H said...

"I just found out that you're my fodder!"

Anonymous said...

"Think of it as your first ejaculation."

Kathy H said...

"When you reach the other side, you'll be wearing a three-piece-soot."

Anonymouse said...

"Aim for the snail. But if you hit the centaur, that's O.K., too."

DR Sumguy said...

"Listen up! ... For your in flight menu you have a choice of 'Spill Your Guts' or 'Splat"! ... If you hear your Korean captain say 'Sum Ting Wong' ... Brace yourself!!!"

Anonymous said...

"You'll go down in history as Cannonball Henderson...right along side Aerial Castro."

Dex said...

"If you are in there for more than four hours, call a doctor"

Dex said...

"The Hitler mustache? Too soon."

O.D. said...

"Scoot over Kid Blast"

boneguy said...

I can't think of a better way to kickoff this year's office blood drive.

Tim H said...

"Thanks for doing this. We don't usually get people of your caliber in this line of work."

Kathy H said...

"I'm really sorry that these NASA budget cuts have come to this."

Jess said...

"Open your mouth...Come on...Open your mouth...Hey! I said OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!"

Anonymous said...

"You're the sperm, the cannon is your penis, and we're getting in Bashar Assad's face."

Anonymouse said...

"Look. I didn't kill that chimney sweep and grab his brush just so you could wimp out at the last minute!"

REX said...

"Yes Myron, accountants as cannon fodder. We're going to hit them where it hurts. Now, do you have your calculator?"

Kathy H said...

"This is Los Angeles. We don't need no stinkin' permits!"

cta said...

"All the way to dear Santa Fe? Maybe. But it's kind of a long shot."

Tim H said...

"Did you turn off your cellphone or other electronic devices?"

boneguy said...

You're the most Obama could get from Congress for a military strike.

Anonymous said...

"I hope you die in there, you four-eyed bastard!"

Satireguy said...

"It's actually a used Q-tip from the Jolly Green Giant."

Satireguy said...

"I told you it was a circus around here."

Queer eye straight at the straight guy said...

"Hush, you look fabulous!"

boneguy said...

Go all Hulk on me AFTER this thing fires!

boneguy said...

I always wanted to be a curator but not of a giant garden hose exhibit.

REX said...

"You're one of our most valued employees. What makes you think you're about to be fired?"

boneguy said...

My last four employees are dead. What of it?

Anonymous said...

"Shut up, Simmons. Everyone knows your gun carriage is a caisson."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"And this is our most popular seller—the Fuller Brush With Death."

Anonymous said...

One more bean burrito and Obama will claim you are a chemical weapon.

boneguy said...

What are the chances that we have
an actual Senator whose real name is Ted "Cruz" Missile to be the opening salvo for our next war?

pg13 said...

"You're being relocated."

Anonymous said...

"Didn't I see you in cartoon #288?"

pg13 said...

"Let's take turns blowing each other."

Pat said...

"Well you're the real tough cookie
With the long history
Of breaking little hearts
Like the one in me
That's OK,
Lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes,
Lets get down to it..."

pg13 said...

"Bon Voyage, Monsieur Fusilier!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Aegean Airlines ... Prepare for 'Pederast Off'!"

Puffin said...

"Your relocation to Buffalo has been fast tracked."

cta said...

"Interest in our travel service has had its ups and downs."

cta said...

"You know, with this business trip, you might be spreading yourself a bit too thin."

Don Don said...

"No, no, this is the way we vote in Egypt."

Anonymous said...

"Do you want to be a Palestinian or not?”

Anonymous said...

"Sit tight, Putin talked Al into delaying the voting"

Anonymous said...

"Suck the black Q-Tip, Francis"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Pope Pius X was cannonized and he didn't bitch and whine about it."

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lee woo said...

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.