Monday, August 5, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #391
















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Dear, I told you the "naked, mid-level executive climbing through the open window to fuck the young damsel and her dog" fantasy has gotten a little stale."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Fer Christ sake: The dog? Can we at least assume it's a bitch? And maybe it's only getting stale for her. This wins because it does not have a pun.)
"Another tough day at the orifice, Honey?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too horrible to ignore. There were 10 puns entered in the hope of winning this contest. No pun in ten did.)
SECOND PLACE
"Don't be a pane in the ass."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Always a concern, maybe she should insist he use some lube. Reminded me: When I was blocking someone's view in grade school a teacher asked: “Is your father a glass maker?” I responded” “No, but he can be a real pain.” I was like 8 at the time. And thus it all began.)
THIRD PLACE
"Does Huma know you're out?"
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I understand the National Association for the Advancement of Cock Puns [NAACP], has named Anthony Weiner its member of the year. He also gets top honors from the American Social Society Helping Out Lecherous Elected Sleazebags [ASSHOLES]. And please note: I worked on this comment a lot longer than the others, so stop with the groaning.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Watch your nuts."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So close, but Satireguy screwed up! The slam dunk winner woulda, coulda and shoulda been: “I can see your nuts!” When we had a naked courtroom witness seated in a jacuzzi that's what the lawyer said. An instant classic! )


"Fetch the balls, Fifi."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If it's a boy dog, he can lick his own. Besides it's a firm rule of cartooning that only French poodles can be named “Fifi.”)
"The prowlers here are obscene."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Petty good use of a classic, I'll give you another: “Come on in Fred. Everyone knows you're about to get the strap-on.”)
"Down, Max! Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: They cheered when Bob sang this in the early '70's because Nixon was president. Now, not so much.)
You got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This positively works if they live on 4th Street. Also we assume “nerve” is reference to his manhood and that it's standing at attention because the window is not the only thing he's about to enter.)
"Come in...I'll give you shelter from the storm."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Beauty walks a razor's edge, Kathy.)
"Homeward Bound" performed by Bob Dylan in concert during 1991 leg of the "Never-Ending Tour."

http://www.bobdylanroots.com/homeward.html--Obligatory Dylan (rebuttal edition) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm gonna need the exact date, venue and set list [notarized of course], before I admit to an error. Also, as long as I have you, why didn't O.D. or anyone else evoke the Dylan song “Please Crawl Out Your Window”?)
"I knew when I moved back to Staten Island I was asking for trouble."--Giovanni da Verrazzano (sometimes spelled "Verrazano") (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The famed explorer for whom that magnificent bridge is named is why it is often called the “Guinea Gang-plank.” If Giovanni had been Irish it might have been called “The Mick Stick,” if he was Chinese, it'd be the “Chink Link,” if he had been Polish, he would have gotten lost at sea.)
"Hey, al, it says here fusilier is a kind of fish. Oh, and put your clothes on."
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I assume by “here” you mean your imagination. See below, smart guy. )
....not so fast, Cavanaugh. fusilier |ˌfyoōzəˈli(ə)r| (also fusileer)
noun (usu. Fusiliers)
a member of any of several British regiments formerly armed with fusils : the Royal Scots Fusiliers.
• historical a soldier armed with a fusil.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This completely validates me and proves Cavanaugh is dead wrong. No surprise there. Sure, there was some back-and forth after Anon set the record straight, but I have learned that when you strike oil, stop drilling.)
Are you coming or going? Either way, make sure it lands outside.--Levon Delight (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Tacky riddle I heard in jr. high: Why is cum white and piss yellow? So you know whether you're coming or going. This made me think of that. Unfortunately)
"Lost your shirt to al in la in a poker game again, didn't you?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Funny thing: I found this old beat-up t-shirt for the “The Last Waltz” and threw it on eBay, asking $10. It was bid up to $53! Now I have six old Dylan shirts up for auction. Also, I once hit a royal flush on a video poker game in Vegas and won $250 on a 25 cent bet. If I had bet a buck, I would have won $1,200 but I was only playing so I could drink for free. Story of my life.)
"Leave the briefcase, take the cojones."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: At least she didn't say “Michael Corleone says hello.”)
"Get in here and finish your writing and editing!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT:Finish? It's never finished! It's as relentless as a babbling brook. [Yeah, Cavanaugh, I'm talking to you!] But thanks to wireless tech I don't have to come in to put off doing what I'm supposed to do.)
"Did you bet on the Mets again, al?"
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll bet the Mets finish with a better year than the Astros and the Red Sox choke down the stretch. That's the best I can do.)
Al formally took the reins from D. Radosh on August 10, 2009 (Contest #202).--4th Anniversary (rebuttal edition) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Equal measures touching and annoying. There is nothing “formal” about this contest, so I didn't need Daniel's abdication to validate my meddling. Having said that, I'm touched that anyone would give a shit.)

88 comments:

boneguy said...

Jesus, no wonder that sill stinks!

Tim H said...

"Weiner, those glasses don't fool me!"

Kathy H said...

"Down, Max! Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked."

Anonymouse said...

"Now, this is breaking news!"

Sheeesh! said...

"Did you pick up milk, like I told you?"

boneguy said...

JohnnyB! Finally!

NJ-to-TX said...

"I'll cut it off and you can have it as a chew toy."

pg13 said...

"How was the meeting?"

Anonymous said...

"Another tough day at the orifice, Honey?"

Anonymous said...

"Dear, I told you the "naked, mid-level executive climbing through the open window to fuck the young damsel and her dog" fantasy has gotten a little stale."

Tim H said...

"I'm sorry, but Pervs Anonymous is next door."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Whats the difference between a naked poker player coming thru your window and a dog? ... In about 10 years the dog quits whinning!"

Dr Sumguy said...

I never saw one like that before ... But it still works ... Right?"

Kathy H said...

"Where the hell's your tuba?!"

Anonymouse said...

"I got one question: Where do you keep your wallet?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"If you fail 'Chester's" crotch test ... 'Homies No Mas Porfavor'!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Finally caught fucking that admin?"

boneguy said...

Don't give me your "I'm just a friend of the court filing my briefs" horseshit.

Levon Delight said...

Are you coming or going? Either way, make sure it lands outside.

Dr Sumguy said...

"So, You left your briefs in your brief ... AGAIN!"

pg13 said...

"I guess it's 'Make your kid at work day'."

pg13 said...

"Bendovertime?"

Shelly said...

"Look Spike, the vet who neutered you is bringing you a nice juicy sausage."

Anonymous said...

"Don't be a pane in the ass."

LR said...

"The prowlers here are obscene."

Satireguy said...

"Watch your nuts."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Oh No! ... Not another naked survey for mongrel dogs!!! ...... How many times a day do you lick your balls? ... Did you smell your bitches' asshole within the last 20 minutes? ... Is it true that you ate your stool specimen last Monday at 9AM? ... When you humped your mistresses leg did you have an org...............

Dex said...

"Get in here and finish your writing and editing!"

boneguy said...

Our prayers are answered. Fido hasn't eaten and I haven't been eaten for a week.

Anonymous said...

"Work harder for Chrissakes! Alzheimer's doesn't cure itself, Harold."

Anonymous said...

"Finally! A man who'll 'do' windows."

Anonymous said...

"Look, Ginger, there's a full moon."

Anonymous said...

"Hmmm!? And here I thought those windows were double-hung."

Kathy H said...

"Hurry up! They want you to star in the remake of Too Much Johnson."

pg13 said...

"Why hello, handsome. You must have searched 'doggie style' in Craigslist. We won't disappoint!"

Anonymouse said...

"Yeah. Well, I'll tell you one thing: You ain't no emperor."

pg13 said...

"I'm just a decoy. Chris Hansen will be right with you."

Satireguy said...

"Are you coming or going?"

Anonymous said...

"Fetch the balls, Fifi."

smuck said...

"If it weren't for all these break-ins, I'd have no way to feed my blood-sucking vampire dog."

smuck said...

A scene from the never-aired pilot of "Fred and Daphne Hit 40", a Scooby Doo spinoff.

Tim H said...

"No thanks. I gave at the office."

boneguy said...

I don't know what we'd do if God hadn't invented Craigslist.

Anonymous said...

"Shit! They told you to drop the suit?"

pg13 said...

"That does it. I'm calling Orkin."

Anonymous said...

"They call me boneguy because...well, you'll find out."

Anonymous said...

"What exactly do you expect to steal? You haven't any pockets."

Anonymous said...

Look,Fido, another fat burglar.

Giovanni da Verrazzano (sometimes spelled "Verrazano") said...

"I knew when I moved back to Staten Island I was asking for trouble."

Satireguy said...

"Oh no! Not another naked audit."

Anonymous said...

"I'm reading Death of a Sillsman."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Dem Balls, Dem Balls ... Dem Screwball!"

Angus Podgorny said...

See? If you're white and not wearing a hoodie, George Zimmerman won't hassle you.

Angus Podgorny said...

You got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend.

Anonymous said...

"Kill."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Clit .. er .. Lick .. er .. ClicKTaxes .. Your late!"

gfwrite said...

Lost more than your shirt while gamboling, eh Harry?

Kevin Hebbeler said...

Carry your message over to us, then be on your way. My love believes you to be food, and you must give me time to read everything to him.

Anonymous said...

"Window weather stripping, Fred. We need window weather stripping."

Anonymous said...

"Hey, al, it says here fusilier is a kind of fish. Oh, and put your clothes on."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

....not so fast, Cavanaugh.

fusilier |ˌfyoōzəˈli(ə)r| (also fusileer)
noun (usu. Fusiliers)
a member of any of several British regiments formerly armed with fusils : the Royal Scots Fusiliers.
• historical a soldier armed with a fusil.

Anonymous said...

Not so fast, Anonymous. Google Fusilier Fish and get back to me.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

Son-of-a-gun, Cavanaugh, you're right! I stand corrected. And since 'fusilier' can be a fish as well as a soldier, that makes your caption actually funny.

Anonymous said...

Worst. Fathead. Ever!!

Anonymous said...

"Oh, I see my buck-tooth dog already bit your dick off."

Anonymous said...

"Leave the briefcase, take the cojones."

Anonymous said...

"Does Huma know you're out?"

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

Would it not be easier to just get your suit cleaned and the doorbell fixed?

Kathy H said...

"Stop right there! Skippy here may not be up to it, but I have a vicious olinguito in the back, and he ain't been fed yet!"

JimM said...

"You accidently took my glasses this morning and I'm having trouble reading my book."

pg13 said...

"Hey honey, it says here they might know who the Zodiac Killer is!"

Anonymous said...

"Close the window! It appears to be freezing out there."

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...


"Pane in the ass."

Satireguy said...

"Lost your shirt to al in la in a poker game again, didn't you?"

Anonymous said...

"I thought you didn't do windows."

Dr Sumguy said...

"This window could use some dressing!"

Obligatory Dylan (rebuttal edition) said...

"Homeward Bound" performed by Bob Dylan in concert during 1991 leg of the "Never-Ending Tour."

http://www.bobdylanroots.com/homeward.html

4th Anniversary (rebuttal edition) said...

Al formally took the reins from D. Radosh on August 10, 2009 (Contest #202).

cta said...

"Pull the shade, will you? I prefer the silhouette to the sill, all wet."

pg13 said...

"Back from yoga already, Bruce?"

Kathy H said...

"Come in...I'll give you shelter from the storm."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Can we please get a plumber in to fix the toilet?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I take it you finally told your wife about us."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You tested God's 'closes a door' thing again."

Anonymous said...

"Did you bet on the Mets again, al?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Puffin said...

"Can we assume it was a hostile takeover?"

Tim H said...

"So, how were the VMA's?"

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.