Sunday, July 28, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #390




















FIRST PLACE
"Who asked to speak with the sousa chef?"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In a contest that yielded almost no caps worth recognizing, this is not as terrible as the others. The pun kind of works and has the added benefit of correctly identifying the musical instrument being played [Hint: it is not a tuba].)
SECOND PLACE
"We're out of tuna. This is the closest thing we've got, lexicographically speaking."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This gets mild props for imagination as well as the use of a word that has never before been used-- here are any place else.)
THIRD PLACE
"And every stop is neatly planned
For a poet and a one-man band."--Obligatory Dylan (cover edition) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well, I admit, that many of my words do come back to me in shades of mediocrity but Bob, these days, is his own cover band. For the record, Dylan has preformed Paul Simon's classic “The Boxer” in concert seven times but has never offered a version of “Homeward Bound” – and yes there are people out there who track that kind of thing.)

HONORABLE MENTION
And now, in honor of Al's 4th year, the "Anniversary Waltz."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: April 4, 2009 was actually the first time I used this blog to cough up my winners. The comments didn't come for a while, but thanks for acknowledging my efforts. I had long assumed that the recognition I am due would come many decades from now.)

66 comments:

boneguy said...

What say you two settle up and we all go back my place and jump in the hot tuba,

Dr Sumguy said...

"Built it myself outta some old PVC and a Toilet Seat ... Wanna hear my favorite ... 'Do Me Baby-Soft And Wet'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Welcome to 'McDonalds Sit Down' ... Speak into the French Horn ... And we'll take your order!"

Shelly said...

"Did you think that this was one of those high-brass places?"

"Last week's special was talking sole. Tonight it's bass, see?"

boneguy said...

Our "visionary" chef thought this would be cool way to bring out the cheese wheel.

boneguy said...

Our dessert is "The Senator Ted Stevens Baked Alaska", presented this evening as a series of tubes.

Tim H said...

"Would you like me to play the specials again?"

Anonymous said...

"Eeeetz eeeeezy. You press your leeeeps together and blowwwww..,no?"

Kathy H said...

"Of course, around here, we call it a Tuba Steak."

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes I slide my head eeeenside the beeeeg opening. You want I show you?"

smuck said...

"I'd recommend duck. Especially when I swing this thing around."

smuck said...

"We're out of tuna. This is the closest thing we've got, lexicographically speaking."

pg13 said...

"May I interest you in some performance-enhancing drugs?"

smuck said...

"It's naat a tooobah."

(It's a sousaphone.)

pg13 said...

"It's like it's talkin' to me all day long, saying 'blow me'."

pg13 said...

"The violinist was fired for being high."

Anonymous said...

"Who eeeese theeeese Bob Deeeeelan guy? I never heeeeeer no name such as that."

Anonymouse said...

"I intend to be the first tuba-playing President of the United States of America."

pg13 said...

"Thanks for the hand, ma'am, but that's not my spit valve."

Anonymous said...

"Tuba or not tuba, that is your question? Actually, it's a sousaphone."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Table for tuba?"

Jim Cavanaugh

boneguy said...

I'll send your waiter over right away to drum up some grub.

Anonymous said...

"My name eeese Diego Gomez, but most peeeeple call me by my neeekname, Horny."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Do I know 'A Mouse Just Peed In My Drink'? ... Why don't you hum a few bars, and I'll improvise!"

Anonymous said...

"How about something in the key of Johnny B.?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Yes ma'am, you do have nice tits, but I was looking at that other set of double d's."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dex said...

"Who asked to speak with the sousa chef?"

Dex said...

"Not sure I know that one, could you fart a few notes?"

Obligatory Dylan (cover edition) said...

"And every stop is neatly planned
For a poet and a one-man band."

Satireguy said...

"Madam, the sousaphone's for you."

Steve_O said...

"I play a C-flat every time he has a rump ripper."

boneguy said...

This little valve releases my accumulated spittle. Which by coincidence is tonight's complimentary aperitif.

Anonymous said...

"Who ordered the French toast?"

Kathy H said...

"I keep hearing people say, '"Restaurant Week; Tuba-Playing Weaker.'"

Anonymouse said...

"I studied two years in Paris, two years in Salzburg, and four years in vain."

REX said...

"Who ordered the blow job?"

Anonymous said...

"I'm Ernesto, and he's Humberto, and we're here to pump you up."

Disemboweled Waiter said...

"Yes, the view out the porthole really is beautiful. Now, will one of you please help me push my intestines back in?"

Grrr Sh-wing! said...

"That was Rhapsody in Blue. What do you expect? It's a fucking tuba."

Anonymous said...

"Who tooted?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Tim H said...

"On tonight's menu we are featuring tubers. Ironic, ain't it?"

gfwrite said...

I know only one Fleetwood Mac song, and it might break both your wine glasses.

gfwrite said...

Your ex in the adjacent dining room paid me to play a medley of marching band tunes.

gfwrite said...

Oh sure. The audiologist will be right over.

Anonymous said...

"I doubt if I could shatter your wineglass, but I might make your tits jiggle."

Kathy H said...

"Most people think I'm a waiter aspiring to be a tubist, but, actually, I'm a tubist aspiring to be a waiter."

Anonymouse said...

"I once played The Flight of the Bumblebee and I blew out my spleen."

Satirewwguy said...

"I'm Brian and I'll be your sousaphonist tonight."

pg13 said...

"I do take requests, as long as it's B flat or F."

Anonymous said...

"I just blew in from Tijuana and boy are my...stop me if you've heard this....."

Anonymous said...

"I recommend you request a song I know, and eat somewhere else when I'm done."

Tim H said...

"To tell you the truth, the owner thought that playing a tuba would distract the guests from the horrible food we serve."

Soblo Mi said...

You don't like the sound of the sousaphone, lady? Well, isn't that just tuba-d.

pg13 said...

"After I play, you WILL have room for dessert."

Satireguy said...

"I've played it for you, now I'm going to play it for him."

Anonymous said...

In my left hand I hold a life-size photograph of your vagina. In my right I hold my penis, which not only must I fold 40 times in order to fit it into my trousers, but can also blow myself.

Kathy H said...

"I would like to regale you with the musical stylings of my cousin, Øystein Baadsvik."

pg13 said...

"I got this gig because I can drown out the talking fish."

pg13 said...

"The embouchure is excellent."

Anonymous said...

And now, in honor of Al's 4th year, the "Anniversary Waltz."

Anonymous said...

"Something from Kenneth Amis?"

pg13 said...

"This is 'Rhapsody in Brown'."

Dex said...

"If you'd prefer, I also can yodel."

pg13 said...

"This is the 'new look' Detroit Symphony."

Satireguy said...

"Due to a misprint, our special tonight is tuna tartare."

Puffin said...

"I'm the fill-in for the mariachi band."

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.