Sunday, July 21, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #389







WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"So these two pollocks get in a fight, and one gets battered!"--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And the other has to stay after school or something. Cheap, cheesey and obvious but not without it's charm. The fish figures his quick wit will save him from being eaten alive. This is a common but ineffectual life strategy.)

SECOND PLACE
"You want a piece of me?"--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It does not look like the diner is seeking permission. I could never understand why tough guys ask this before a throw down.)

THIRD PLACE
"They call me boneguy because...well, you'll find out."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I always figured it was either a pot or sex reference. Or maybe he is just really, really skinny. Whatever, he is a perennial Anti-Capper. Higher praise I can not offer—not to him at least.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I'm sorry I slept with Luca Brasi, but this doesn't solve anything."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: GF trivia: Luca was portrayed by Lenny Montana, a 6'6” - 320 pound pro-wrestler who was also a real life mob-enforcer. In the original novel he impregnates a young prostitute and murders her, so sleeping with him has a down-side risk.)
"Wanna hear me sing "Take Me to the River'?"--JimM (JUDGE'S COMMENT: References three important cultural icons: The Sopranos, Talking Heads and tacky novelty gifts. )
"My name's Abe Vigoda. What's yours?"--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Barney Miller reference. In GF I his character was called “Sally,” because his name was Sal. I always though a real mob guy wouldn't stand for that. Tom Hagan couldn't get him off the hook. Not even for old times sake. )
"Seafoodie, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How the fuck did “heck” get into this classic cap. And can we all agree the fish is not doing well. )
"The chowders here in the tureen are from the latrine."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Ick! Would have worked better if it said “where caught up-stream,” or something. Clever doesn't always mean gross.)
"Fusilier, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is trying too hard. A fusilier has nothing to do with fish.)
How're you going to eat me without a mouth you fucking douchebag--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: With his nebbish demeanor and wire-rim glasses, the diner reminds me of 1984 Subway Vigilante Bernard Goetz. By provolking a violent, unstable and highly volitile man with an ill-advised tough-guy routine, the fish reminds me of the four teens Goetz shot.)
"I'm Al and I'll be your waiter tonight."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Here are the specials: stupid puns, tourtued classics and rim-shot cornball caps hastily dashed off and dismissed as quickly, the occasional topical reference, Dylans lyrics both obscure and esoteric and many exotic dishes considered an acquired taste.)
[Al, Al, Al - I have never once tried to out-Dylan you. Your knowledge of Dylan is encyclopedic and mine isn't. I offer up semi-obscure quotes precisely because you're the only person I know of who will instantly recognize them and hopefully appreciate them. Most of the other Dylan quotes submitted here are pretty obvious and don't even attempt to work as captions. I figure you deserve better.]--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: RANDON DYLAN NOTES: A recent ebay auction netted me $75 for a tattered and torn long-sleve tee shirt that simply says: “Bob Dylan and the Band 1974 Tour”; A USA Today rock critic once called from a Dylan show and held up the phone so I could hear a song she wanted to identify. I nailed it of course. I got free tickets to a Dylan Tribute at MSG. An exec at MTV which was producing the show had heard about my Dylan bonafides and personally invited me; I wrote a news story that someone in Dylan's office confirmed he probably read. )




84 comments:

Anonymous said...

How're you going to eat me without a mouth you fucking douchebag

boneguy said...

Take it from a carp, carpe diem.

boneguy said...

I just flew in fresh from Miami and boy are my pectoral fins tired.

Dr Someguy said...

"Don't eat me ... I have 'Salmonella!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm a gay Blowfish, and I'm looking for a job!"

Tim H said...

"My name's Abe Vigoda. What's yours?"

Anonymous said...

"I got hooked on phonics."

Anonymous said...

"They call me boneguy because...well, you'll find out."

Shelly said...

"My kids were aborted when their eggs got collected for caviar in shallow water, you know, Roe v. Wade.

NJ-to-TX said...

"I'm sorry I slept with Luca Brasi, but this doesn't solve anything."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Let me know when you start 'Forking Me', so I can close my eye!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So you caught me with your 'Rod' ... I don't want to hear the details!"

Anonymous said...

"Seafoodie, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"

Kathy H said...

"Pisces. What's yours?"

Anonymouse said...

"Yes. I'm the original Sole Man."

Shelly said...

"The chowders here in the tureen are from the latrine."

Anonymous said...

"Here's a little song I wrote, might want to think it note for note..."

boneguy said...

FYI, Hebe. There's no such thing as a gefilte fish.

boneguy said...

This ain't so bad. You should see the poor fucker I just ate.

pg13 said...

"You want a piece of me?"

Anonymouse said...

"I thought this would be a better gig. I mean, I was working for scale."

Satireguy said...

"I'm Al and I'll be your waiter tonight."

Satireguy said...

"Are you sure you didn't order the steak au poivre?"

Anonymouse said...

"Vichyssoise? The chef thought you ordered fishyssoise."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Eat my cloaca first, so I can get 'My Rocks Off'!"

boneguy said...

Make you a deal.
If you nail me to a wall, I'll sing for you whenever you want.

Dex said...

"Eat me"

Anonymous said...

"It's always better when you get hold of a snapper."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm Nemo's half brother 'Chemo' ... Go figure!"

Anonymous said...

"Don't sell your sole to the devil."

boneguy said...

Did you not order the fish schtick?

gfwrite said...

I'm a bigmouth bass and you're a mouthless ass.

gfwrite said...

I swim in poopy water.

gfwrite said...

Dude, I am like so full of mercury you'll have a neurological disorder before you hit the street.

gfwrite said...

Whatever you're doing with your hands it can't be as bad as what I'm thinking.

Jess said...

"So...Top of the food chain and still can't get laid."

Vegan Again and Again said...

"Whatever happened to 'nothing with a face'? Go ahead. It's your sole."

Anonymous said...

"Still waiting for your 'N Chips? It'll be awhile, this place is a shithole."

Anonymous said...

"I sang bass with the Freshwater Four. I suppose this is better than being mounted."

Anonymous said...

"You didn't like that number? Sorry if I'm a little out of tuna."

Satireguy said...

"Mount me, please!"

Kathy H said...

"You're gonna need a bigger plate."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I see you ordered a 'FishEye' wine ... Can I have a sip?"

Steve_O said...

"You should worry less about my talking and more about how thoroughly they cook the food."

cta said...

"Fine do what you must. May cod have mercy on your sole!"

cta said...

"Think of your diet! I consist of tuna-half servings of protein!"

Anonymous said...

"Get me out of here and I'll let you spawn all over me."

pg13 said...

"I spent so much time in schools, and I'm still so flaky."

Tim H said...

"Hey! You and me, a talking fish! America's Got Talent! BOOM! A million dollars!"

Anthony Weiner For Mayor said...

"My name is Carlos Danger. Please don't ask me any more questions."

Anonymous said...

"You're dead meat."

Anonymous said...

"You look like shit, and I feel like crappie"

boneguy said...

I'm sorry to have to ask, but did you just say Yom Kipper or yum, kipper?

NJ-to-TX said...

"I hope your conscience explodes."

Anonymous said...

"My dad played for the Fish—Mercury Morris."

Monsieur Ebert said...

"Fin."

Your Plate or Mine? said...

"I'm not that kind of blowfish, Mister."

Anonymous said...

"That's funny. They keep telling me I smell like pussy."

Monsieur Truffaut said...

"Fin."

Jeff Ross said...

"I've got more bones in me than Lisa Lampanelli."

Shelly said...

"Welcome to the Senate Cafe, where the house specialty is fillet, buster."

boneguy said...

Listen, I got gill netted before it ended. Does Marlin finally find Nemo?

gfwrite said...

After all this time, you'e the best evolution could come up with?

NJ-to-TX said...

"Do I have to get the waiter? We put in the drink order 20 minutes ago. They still haven't given us any menus. Do not even think about giving this guy a tip. And not even any water! This place has really been going downhill. I don't even think it's the same owners."

Anonymous said...

"I got caught in a river bed with a hooker."

boneguy said...

Did you check out the lox at table six? Man, did he get smoked!

Angus Podgorny said...

What the fuck did you expect when you ordered "Responsibly Harvested Sushi?"

Angus Podgorny said...

Coffee, tea, or me?

Angus Podgorny said...

[Al, Al, Al - I have never once tried to out-Dylan you. Your knowledge of Dylan is encyclopedic and mine isn't. I offer up semi-obscure quotes precisely because you're the only person I know of who will instantly recognize them and hopefully appreciate them. Most of the other Dylan quotes submitted here are pretty obvious and don't even attempt to work as captions. I figure you deserve better.]

Anonymous said...

"Yo, Angus! Ever considered not taking yourself so seriously?"

boneguy said...

My honest opinion? Put the bag back on your head.

Dr Sumguy said...

"How about the girl who went fishing with 12 men, and came home with a 'Red Snapper' ... That's me!"

Anonymous said...

". . . and so I says to him, 'I feel like a fish out of water', I says . . ."

Anonymous said...

"Fusilier, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Jim Cavanaugh

JimM said...

"Wanna hear me sing "Take Me to the River'?"

Anonymous said...

"Can you say, “Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster?"

reid savid said...

"Jesus loves you."

boneguy said...

Hey, if the pope says it's OK to be gay, then who in their right mind can possibly take fish on Friday seriously?

Satireguy said...

"I suggest a glass of the chardonnay."

Anonymous said...

Hey buddy, here's my favorite seafood joke. When asked why there was seashell tattoo on her inner thigh, the dumb blonde said:
"If you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean".

pg13 said...

"If you wanted a dead fish, you should have stayed home."

pg13 said...

"So these two pollocks get in a fight, and one gets battered!"

Anonymouse said...

"Catch and Release, already! Sheesh!"

Hooked on Phonics said...

hey you'll!

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.