Monday, July 1, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #387












WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Once again, Mary berates herself for brown-bagging it.--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It seems, sex-wise, Mary is unable to harvest what the earth brings forth. She throws a bag over some creep's head and screws him silly. Now she feels like shit. This is not unprecedented. Why she parades him around in public is a mystery. If you have to, give him cab fare, but send him on his way.)
SECOND PLACE
Opposite day in Saudi Arabia.--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Which means he is one of several husbands she is permitted to have and she, of course, is driving home because he's not allowed to drive. And yes they both drink whiskey and love baseball.)
THIRD PLACE
"For once I'd like to meet a guy who doesn't come with baggage or isn't a total douche bag." -- LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if you did, you would chase him away with your constant whining. And what makes you think a baggage-free, non-douche-bag would be interested in you?)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"So this is the future ... Bring your Own Bag ... (Ordinance #28877)!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would work better if it was a plastic bag, but then you'd have issues with possible asphyxiation. Like many people, I bring my own bags and leave them in the car.)
"Hello, Kathy H. My name is Anonymouse."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Maybe Kathy will give him a link—if you know what I mean.)
"Why don't you let me take a look at your bank account and I'll decide if you're ugly."--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if he checks out he can make a deposit—right? [Remember: substansial penalties for early withdrawal]. A statement on how everything is negotiable. Noted.)
"So 'McAfee' ... Tell me about your quote ... 'If you have the winning cards, why cheat'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Because no one really wins until someone admits they lost.)
"You're kinda cute, but I prefer plastic."
--Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Translation: She prefers a man who is shallow, superficial and produces toxic fumes when burned.)
"Jeff Bagwell, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Evoking a veteran ball player who was nicknamed “Bags,” Kathy reaches way back, deep to left field and comes up with a classic. “A” for effort.)
"Murray Langston, you crazy bastard, how are you?"--Unknown Comic (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would have been slightly better if the signature didn't give it away.)
"NSA, huh? What color are my panties?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: To this Hannibel Lecter takes a few sniffs and says: You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear a black lacy thong from Victoria's Secret, but not today.)
The only decent thing I did when I worked as a postal clerk was to haul your picture down off the wall near the cage where I used to work.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Lyrics from the Dylan song, “Up To Me” which was bumped from “Blood on the Tracks” and later released my Roger McGuinn. Includes the lines “I've only got me one good shirt left, and it smells of stale perfume.” Angus continues his quixotic quest to out-Dylan me. Never gonna happen, buddy.)

"I picked up my bag, I was lookin' for a place to hide."--Obligatory Dylanu (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No sale. This is from The Band's classic song “The Weight.” They toured with Dylan, of course, but there is no evidence Bob ever sang this song. Also, the line is “I WENT lookin' for a place to hide” and there's no “u” in Dylan. Tisk, tisk.)
"Oh, I know. Those winning entries last week were great, but I thought this was the Anti-Caption Contest."--Girl at Bar (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Well obviously it's not the “Anti-Crap” contest or we wouldn't get this kind of stuff.)
This isn't part of the caption, but has anyone else found it absolutely impossible to enter one into the New Yorker's contest? EVERY time I enter one it somehow gets lost in their system and never shows up in the list of my submitted entries. Very frustrating.--John (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Okay. Calm down. They don't want you. We do. You're always welcome here, John.)
Try entering a funny one.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wow. Entered right after John's cry-baby cap. Ignore this John, keep doing what you're doing.)
"I don't know if can take one more week of this."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: You can and you will.)
Three contests unjudged. Three orphaned months ago. It's no wonder you don't show your face, al.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I've said it before: Don't judge me for not judging you.)




95 comments:

Anonymous said...

"So you're a Patriots fan?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"A 2 Bagger tab ... I'm impressed!"

pg13 said...

"So you're good in the sack?"

Anonymous said...

"Hey, lady, my eyes are up here."

Anonymouse said...

"Hello, Kathy H. My name is Anonymouse."

cta said...

"No go ahead, I want to see how you drink with that on."

cta said...

"Why don't you let me take a look at your bank account and I'll decide if you're ugly."

Kathy H said...

"I represent The Paper Bag Players ."

Kathy H said...

"Make that The Paper Bag Players ."

Anonymous said...

How about The Paper Bag Players?

Anonymous said...

"I can make $100.00 with just one weird trick."

pg13 said...

"Plus, you'll get to hear a really cool crinkly sound when we're in a 69!"

pg13 said...

"It's part of my costume for the Paula Deen fan klub."

boneguy said...

No offense, but I'm into old bags.

Dr Sumguy said...

"If you place that bag between my legs, I bet you can smell the ocean!"

boneguy said...

Chuck Barris gave me my big break but alas, I remained unknown.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I love you Henry ... But I'm not ready for little baguettes !"

Dr Sumguy said...

Homeless Jewish women foreplay ... 2 hours of bagging!

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, I ain't going home with you."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don Draper, Dick Whitman, Bag Head - I don't care. Let's just fuck, and then you can go back to your miserable life."

Anonymous said...

"Are you mulatto or is that a natural tan?"

Shelly said...

"You like music from the Scottish highlands? Well how 'bout I play on your bagpipe tonight?"

Kathy H said...

"Is that all you can talk about? The Paper Bag Players??"

boneguy said...

I see Poppa's got a brand new bag.

LR said...

"For once I'd like to meet a guy who doesn't come with baggage or isn't a total douche bag."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I don't date 'Brown Baggers' ... The last one had severe diarrhea!"

boneguy said...

I've always felt that creases give a face more character.

Anonymous said...

" Murray Langston my ass, I know that's you under there Johnny B."

Satireguy said...

"Sorry about the CIA budget cutbacks."

boneguy said...

I dropped the dime on John Gotti. And you?

smuck said...

Opposite day in Saudi Arabia.

pg13 said...

"Paper or plastic?"

Tim H said...

"My favorite movie? The Legend of Bagger Vance , of course. "

Dr Sumguy said...

"How long have you been in the 'Witness Protection Program'?"

boneguy said...

I thought before you agreed to go home with me, I'd show you my bag.

Dr Sumguy said...

"How long have you been in 'Witless Protection'?"

Girl at Bar said...

"Oh, I know. Those winning entries last week were great, but I thought this was the Anti-Caption Contest."

pg13 said...

"No, I've never had a drink thrown in my face. Why?"

pg13 said...

"It's hard to meet someone new when all of my ex's just want to recycle me."

Anonymous said...

"You're Whole Foods online, but Walmart in person."

Satireguy said...

"You have beautiful eye holes."

Satireguy said...

"That's OK. My last boyfriend was a three-bagger."

Anonymous said...

"You sound just like my husband, that good for nothing totally fucked up poor excuse of a loser."

boneguy said...

No I hadn't heard Edward Snowdon had snuck back into the US. How on earth did he manage to do that?

pg13 said...

"I'll be Glad if you undo my Ziploc and touch my Hefty."

Anonymous said...

"You're kinda cute, but I prefer plastic."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"I only have eyes for you."

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"So 'McAfee' ... Tell me about your quote ... 'If you have the winning cards, why cheat'!"

Angus Podgorny said...

Go ahead and take it off, Charlie Brown. Your head can't possibly look like a baseball anymore.

Anonymous said...

"NSA, huh? What color are my panties?"

Angus Podgorny said...

There! That should stop your hyperventilating, you pervert!

Angus Podgorny said...

The only decent thing I did when I worked as a postal clerk was to haul your picture down off the wall near the cage where I used to work.

Satireguy said...

"You're not much of a drinker, are you?"

John said...

This isn't part of the caption, but has anyone else found it absolutely impossible to enter one into the New Yorker's contest? EVERY time I enter one it somehow gets lost in their system and never shows up in the list of my submitted entries. Very frustrating.

Anonymous said...

Try entering a funny one.

Don Don said...

"Snowden,is that you?"

Anonymous said...

"I hear Bolivia is nice this time of year."

CPOD said...

"I'm not a carrier."

Tim H said...

"...but I record under thr name Notorious B.A.G.."

Shelly said...

"I'm a pretty good cook- I'm sitting on my groceries. Come up to my kitchen, I'll show you my best recipe."

Steve_O said...

"You're just like your ad said- tall, mysterious, and filled with self-loathing."

Steve_O said...

"You better be rich."

Anonymous said...

"I don't know if can take one more week of this."

reid savid said...

"Dad?"

cta said...

"Darth, about your new mask... Well, it's just tearable."

Kathy H said...

"Jeff Bagwell, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So this is the future ... Bring your Own Bag ... (Ordinance #28877)!"

smuck said...

"Do you cower here often?"

Anonymous said...

"So, Mom....did you have the sex change?"

smuck said...

"Look, creep, I'm about to pour this drink on your head. I just hope you can't fight your way out of a wet paper bag."

pg13 said...

"Yes, I do create my own ensembles! Armani, Versace, Safeway..."

pg13 said...

"Why do you keep offering to light my cigarette?"

pg13 said...

"What can brown do for you?"

Kevin Hebbeler said...

"You look fresh. Every man I've seen before you has been a full dumpster."

And

"Have you ever considered getting ripped? Your body's good, but I can see your face better ripped."

boneguy said...

Three contests unjudged. Three orphaned months ago. It's no wonder you don't show your face, al.

NJ-to-TX said...

"Oh, come on, my pussy didn't smell that bad last time."

Charlotte Prancebasket said...

Aren't you cold with your head inside an ice block? talk about brain freeze. I like putting ice cubes on my Clytemnestra. (wink)

Nibbles Woodaway said...

"So.. they call you the 'Elephant Man'? I hope that means what I think it means!"

Satireguy said...

"I love a man in uniform."

Jim M said...

JimM said...

"My sheet is in the wash."

Anonymous said...

"Actually, these are my nipples."

Anonymous said...

"Wait wait wait, did you say your ex accused you of shunning her?"

Kathy H said...

"Gosh! I never met a Congressman before. You must be so proud of the work you do!"

Unknown Comic said...

"Murray Langston, you crazy bastard, how are you?"

Anonymous said...

"Your commenting on captions is like dissecting a frog — few people are interested, and the frog dies of it."

Anonymous said...

"Mr. Zimmerman?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

A-buh-dee, a-buh-dee – That’s All, Folks!

Obligatory Classic said...

"Christ, what an eyehole!"

Obligatory Dylanu said...

"I picked up my bag, I was lookin' for a place to hide."

Satireguy said...

Once again, Mary berates herself for brown-bagging it.

Utellme said...

I used to date a plastic bag, but he was so smothering.

Ralphs said...

I don't usually pick up dates at the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

I don't know. Perhaps it was you 'out of the fold' quality.

Anonymous said...

"your"

Chi said...

This is cool!

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BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.