Sunday, June 23, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #386





WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"No worries. A veterinarian knows how to get a dog to heal."--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sorry I'm late with these. I was busy with writing stuff for which I receive compensation that goes beyond implied approval. Still, I have fallen so far behind the real NYer cap contest has already posted its top three picks for the above cartoon. One of the candidates is a cap that simply says: “Heal!” This entry from cta is a lot  better than that, but it's too far fetched. The NYer seldom strays from playfully whimsical to really-fucking-stupid, not even for a dog joke. The Anti-Cap, of course, gives pointless the prominence it deserves. Think of it as ruff love. )

SECOND PLACE
"Go analyze your own specimens, you're a Lab."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you believe groaning is  related to laughter, this also has merit. Note that this cap sounds like command to a really smart dog.)

THIRD PLACE
"So 'Doggy Style' bores you ... Why not go back to chasing cars, i.e. 'Autofellatio'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kinky word-play, but slightly confusing. Reminds us of that old adage that says dogs lick their balls because they can. Something to not think about. Moving on...)

HONORABLE MENTIONS
"I must be frank. This diagnosis gives one paws."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A lame pun. A real mutt. But “frank” is another name for a hot dog so there's that. )
Just do your thing, you'll be king, if dogs run free.--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From "If Dogs Run Free," an easily forgotten Dylan song mocking beatnik poets. It appears on the 1970 album “New Morning.” Clearly written when Bob was stoned. Includes the lines: “To each his own. It's all unknown. If dogs run free.”)
"Shut up Rover. Everyone knows your whole fucking everything is a clip-on."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Rover is the quintessential name for dogs who have no spots. An old friend once told me the only commands her dog knew were “shut up” and “go away.” I found that sad.)
"Yes, there are fireworks on the Fourth of July. Is that some sort of problem?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: When I was about 6, I had a dog who hated Fourth-of-July. To this day I hate boom-boom fireworks because I recall my dog panting and nervously running upstairs, than down, than up. Had him until I was about 22. I still miss that dog.)
"Check out Mel's Dogfood Emporium on Rodeo Drive. It's got the best ALPO in LA."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An awkward poke at me — I think. More baffling than insightful.)
"This is just great. A cartoonist who can't draw as well as Hellen Keller wants me to say something funny to a fucking dog sitting on my examining table that might appeal to some loser in LA, or a couple of assholes in New York."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That pretty much sums it up. I'm touched that you listed me first. Remember: Loser is transitional, asshole is indelible. ) 

88 comments:

Shelly said...

"Your peripheral vision is shot."

Anonymous said...

"Roll over so I can check your prostate."

pg13 said...

"Erectile dysfunction can occasionally occur when one's testicles are removed."

Tim H said...

"I must be frank. This diagnosis gives one paws."

LR said...

"The dognosis is distemper of yours. I recommend anger management."

NJ-to-TX said...

"C'mon boy, speak!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Please Mister...whatever mascot you claim you are. Either take the head off and tell me your medical problem, or get the hell out of here and stop wasting time that could be spent treating patients."

Anonymous said...

"Sit. Stay. Lick your balls."

boneguy said...

I'm not sure they make a low-rider big enough for a bobbing head dog your size. In the meantime here's some Zoloft.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Canine Rabbis! ... Get a yam aka, join a temple, stop complaining!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"CATaracts! ... You'll need a guide dog!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"You've been humping your mistress ... She want's you declawed!

D H Larry said...

you didnt complain about my tiny hand when I cleaned out the last of the peanut-butter jar, so lick it Dog Boy!

boneguy said...

Next time try not to eat your stool sample.

Anonymouse said...

"Quite frankly, in this work-a-day world, whose wife isn't a bitch?"

Anonymous said...

"...bark bark bark Ruff Ruff GROU-WEL GROU-WELLL!....Rod Steiger's dog."

boneguy said...

I might be a canine but you, Dr Sumguy, are a real dog.

Anonymous said...

"Let the Elmer's glue dry for 24 hours, and don't ever again hang your head outside a car with power windows."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Try raising your other leg. ... Oh ... A note from Boneguy ... He wants you to lick his ball ... He's on the 3rd hole at Eagle Ridge!"

Kathy H said...

"Take one of these pills a day with water from the toilet."

Tim H said...

"Your DNA test show that you are 99.9 % canis lupus familiaris."

boneguy said...

Christ, your bacon levels are sky-high.

cta said...

"Don't worry about the cost, it'll all be taken care of by Obama-cur."

cta said...

"I'm afraid it's rabies, Mr. Yeller."

cta said...

"Take only one of these per day, unless you're trying to kill yourself. Nah, just kidding! I know you don't have the balls for that."

cta said...

"Ouch, I know how you feel. I've badly screwed the pooch, too."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Your anal glands need resection ... We'll throw in a gallbladder, an appendectomy, and factory undercoat your scrotum for a small additional fee!"

cta said...

"No worries. A veterinarian knows how to get a dog to heal."

Dr Sumguy said...

"As Man's Best Friend, I want you to go to the 7-eleven, and bring back a six pack of Bud!"

boneguy said...

What's the matter pooch? Cat's got your tongue?

Kathy H said...

"Sorry, Sandy, but your understudy will have to go on tonight."

smuck said...

"Check out Mel's Dogfood Emporium on Rodeo Drive. It's got the best ALPO in LA."

Anonymouse said...

"This test says Augie Doggie, but you said that your name was Doggie Daddy. What gives?"

smuck said...

"Shut up Rover. Everyone knows your whole fucking everything is a clip-on."

boneguy said...

Do you know Pitbull?

Anonymouse said...

"How many times have I told you, 'Chocolate cigarettes will kill you!'?"

Dex said...

"Terrible news, you have six months to live. Wait ... in dog years, that's Thursday!"

Anonymous said...

"Turn your head and bark."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

I see nothing wrong, Rover. But where are your pants?

Dr Sumguy said...

"So 'Doggy Style' bores you ... Why not go back to chasing cars, i.e. 'Autofellatio'!"

Anonymous said...

"I was born in April and fought in Nam so I'm a veteran Arian, so get lost."

Anonymous said...

"You have Arffheimers."

Anonymous said...

"My name's Dr. Katz. That's right, you heard me."

Dex said...

"Go analyze your own specimens, you're a Lab."

boneguy said...

"...the bad news is within six months you won't have to play dead."

Kathy H said...

"I'm sorry, but there's nothing more we can do. We are bow-wowting of your treatment."

Dr Sumguy said...

"This is your bill for humping my leg! ... I had to fake 4 orgasms!"

Greg Fitze said...

This will help with the irritation, but stay away from wool pantlegs.

030f390c-de09-11e2-88db-000bcdca4d7a said...

I can give you something for the cat allergy. It's made from bark.

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I'm sorry, but Wednesday is hump day."

valp124 said...

Give this a try, but I believe your best option is getting neutered.

Tim H said...

"As your podiatrist I can confirm that your dogs are, indeed, barking."

Anonymous said...

"This is just great. A cartoonist who can't draw as well as Hellen Keller wants me to say something funny to a fucking dog sitting on my examining table that might appeal to some loser in LA, or a couple of assholes in New York."

Anonymouse said...

"Well, Mr. Snowden, with this disguise I believe you can find asylum anywhere you want. Except Kathmandu. And, possibly, Santa Catalina."

boneguy said...

Why the sad face McGruff? A few courses in C++ and you'll be fighting cyber crime in no time! In the meantime, here's some Zoloft.

Kathy H said...

"Hell, I'd adopt you myself if you weren't so damn sick."

Anonymouse said...

"I was going to offer you our 'good dog' discount, but I see by your chart that you're, well, a 'bad dog.'"

Tim H said...

"The bill? Bob Barker took care of it."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I cannot give an old dog a new dick ... Give 'Erectal Rx' a try!"

pg13 said...

"Your plastic surgery is complete, Mr. Jenner."

Steve_O said...

"All right, I'm ready. Let's go to your fucking costume party."

Anonymous said...

"Dressing like that doesn't make it doggie AIDS. It's still just AIDS."

Anonymous said...

"We'll have the results of your stool study after Marci's teacher grades it."

CPOD said...

"I think your wife wants more out of this procedure than birth control."

Anonymous said...

"Try to understand this. The redness on your penis is never, ever, ever going away."

NJ-to-TX said...

"You're a dog."

Satireguy said...

"And this time don't eat the fucking prescription."

pg13 said...

"For the thousandth time, we didn't find any homework in your stomach."

momo said...

Get up on this table...you can leave your mask on.

Anonymouse said...

"Yes, there are fireworks on the Fourth of July. Is that some sort of problem?"

reid savid said...

[In Chinese] "It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

Satireguy said...

"Take two dog biscuits and call me in the morning."

Angus Podgorny said...

You've got lupus. Canis lupus.

Angus Podgorny said...

Just do your thing, you'll be king, if dogs run free.

Anonymouse said...

"Y'know, wearing a suit and tie and a bag over your head is not that bad of an idea."

Tim H said...

"Well, you've been sitting here for 2 1/2 weeks. I recommend that you move around a bit. Y'know, get a little exercise, now and again."

Steve_O said...

"You've got heartworm, ringworm, and rabies. I won't sugarcoat it- it's going to be ruff."

Anonymous said...

"I wouldn't jump to any conclusions until there are at least 80 anticaps. Then I give you permission to bite his ass."

Kathy H said...

"It says here that the Mets are cancelling their Native American Heritage Night because -- get this -- they didn't want to offend the Atlanta Braves, their opponents that night! That's right. They didn't want to offend the Braves baseball team! That's high-larious! Now, what's your beef again with the Morgantown Mutts?"

Don Don said...

"You have never been sick a day in your like I know but Obama care says you have to pay for your eventual euthanasia, dismemberment and organ transplants to be used in highly profitable research and lucrative back door transplant surgery."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Take one Breath Mint twice a day, and lick your balls anytime you feel like it"!

Anonymous said...

"You've had that costume on for 3 weeks now. Do you need some help removing it?"

Tim H said...

"We've been here so long that this prescription has expired."

Steve_O said...

"Well, in dog years, you'll be dead before this contest is judged."

Hot Dog said...

"I know it's hot. But I still suggest that you close your mouth and not run around with short pants."

Anonymous said...

Hmm ... you could have "November syndrome." I think you'll be in for a pleasant surprise!

Satireguy said...

"Take this note to Al and tell him that it's time to judge the contest."

Anonymous said...

"Go fetch Harry"

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