Sunday, June 16, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #385








WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"What's the problem officer?"--

Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Authority figures don't like it when you ask them questions, or to quote Dylan [which, remarkably, no one in the contest did]: “The cops don't need you, and man they expect the same.” With the wide-eyed innocence of a child, Jim once again nailed it by spitting out the obvious. Jim is in the running to become our new “it” boy.)
SECOND PLACE
"The remainder of your life will be spent behind bars.”--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Combines what they say in math class with something related to punishment. Seems fitting. )
THIRD PLACE
"Everyone asks Y."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, it's the cops who ask “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Ironically the actual answers: “you're bored,” “you're a bully who enjoys asserting his power” or “you have a ticket quota to fill,” are never cheerfully accepted.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Pull over! ... You'll have to cosine the ticket!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Trouble with this is the driver is already pulled over. Making you sign the ticket is like rubbing your nose in it. )
See? No ratio profiling.--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The cops NYC insist that when innocent black and Hispanic men are pushed against a wall and frisked for no reason it saves lives. You got a problem with that, punk?)
"Believe me, I know what it's like to be charged with reckless deriving."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: We start to realize anti-Cappers are math nerds with a penchant for dumb and obvious puns. Previously we only knew the second part?)
"And derive safely!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I once heard a cop tell law students that if he follows a car for 10 minutes, “Guaranteed, I'll find something I can pull you over for.” He was very smug about that. What can we derive from that?)
Around these parts we have zero tolerance for drunken deriving. (thanks Sumguy)--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Taking someone else's pun and reusing it, then thanking that person is still intellectually dishonest, even if you use the honor system. Thanks indeed!)
"Be careful in area 51 we figure the speed limit as a percentage of the constant of light."--Don Don (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A cap written by someone who is very, very smart but it should have a comma after “careful,” “area,” should be uppercase and “calculate” would have worked better than “figure.” Try again next time, D.D.)
"Don't get smart with me!"--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Cops also like to say “Don't get cute.” It's just the way they roll.)
"I don't care if your fucking name is Heisenberg, there's nothing uncertain about this principle."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Makes absolutely no sense to me, but I'm reasonably sure it's legit.)
Fibonacci, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'm confused, but relieved to see this beloved classic pressed into service.)
"...so based on what happened down at the factory, she'd be about 30-40 feet tall. And you're driving a Chevrolet, so she's gonna want a piece of it."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This recalls evrolet girl. Why the cop is not on her tail, I don't know.)
"Take a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night, and then, boy, you're on your own."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A rare Springsteen-based cap. Gives me yet another chance to say “I'll wait for you. And should I fall behind, wait for me.” )
"Don't pull attitude with me, buddy. It's a simple question, and I'll ask you one more time. Does compactification on a Calabi–Yau 3-fold leave one quarter of the original supersymmetry unbroken if the holonomy is the full SU(3)?"--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Wasn't it the dim-witted Pres. W. who coined the phrase “fuzzy math” when something was beyond his grasp?)
"All of our best people are working on this problem. And we're thisclose to figuring out who won Anti-Caption Contest Nos. 357, 358 and 359."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Go back and check. I think you'll be in for a pleasant surprise!)
"boneguy? ... Straight one mile ... His address? ... 1246 Pig Turd Alley ... He's expecting you ... Al!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Apparently Sumbuy's got issues. I checked the road atlas, and there is no such address. Also, it is firmly established that the only important address in this contest is http://alinla.blogspot.com/ Visit often but don't linger too long.)

75 comments:

Anonymous said...

Stupid sequel idea: Good Will Speeding

boneguy said...

This is the Amber Alert that flashes when a physicist gets kidnapped.

Dr Sumguy said...

"And that's the way to Euclid Ohio!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And derive safely!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"You got a problem with that !!"

boneguy said...

It's the only way we could get Einstein to slow down.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pull over! ... You'll have to cosine the ticket!"

boneguy said...

I came all this way to help some cop who said his differential was broken.

Jess said...

"Don't get smart with me!"

Anonymous said...

"...therefore if (55 X 2) + (14 - 5) = Y, then Y = deep shit."

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, idiot, this indicates that the set of all crossings is closed at the delta."

Shelly said...

"Speeding is not the solution."

"Believe me, I know what it's like to be charged with reckless deriving."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I smell EtOH ... You look pi' "i" ed ... Please exit the vehicle ... And we'll look for a multiple step solution!"

Tim H said...

"It's called Math Transit. Look it up."

Kathy H said...

"No, no, no! Pie are round! Cornbread are squared! Sheesh!"

Anonymouse said...

"You better vamoose, 'cause around these parts I'm known for being fast on the trigonometry!"

boneguy said...

Around these parts we have zero tolerance for drunken deriving. (thanks Sumguy)

Anonymous said...

"The remainder of your life will be spent behind bars.

Anonymous said...

"I fucked your wife"

boneguy said...

I am with the Los Alamos PD, and yes, we do things differently here.

Anonymous said...

"Speeding is to Pigneeds what 87332564 is to $75463328."

Satireguy said...

"I don't care if your fucking name is Heisenberg, there's nothing uncertain about this principle."

Tim H said...

"Wait a second! Did you just say, 'Piganometry?!'"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Go straight on Absolute Value, take a left on Pascal's Triangle, then straight to Fibonacci Fuck Up!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"For 'String Theory' go staight on Gaussian Elimination for one mile, 'Tampon' will be on your left!"

Anonymous said...

"You were timed going 75 Kaczynskis per hour."

pg13 said...

"Your fine is doubled. You're in a school zone."

pg13 said...

"Everyone asks Y."

pg13 said...

"That's the long answer. The short answer is 'You're fucked'."

Anonymous said...

"Do you know Y I pulled you over?"

Dex said...

“Fibonacci, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Dex said...

Well, Obama promised <#απγ∑

pg13 said...

"Wait till you see the sobriety test."

pg13 said...

"One life vs. six chambers. You do the math."

Satireguy said...

"You were doing calculus in an algebra zone."

pg13 said...

"Plus, you aren't wearing your seatbelt."

smuck said...

"Looks like you were hiding something under the Fermat's. I mean, floor mats."

smuck said...

"Don't pull attitude with me, buddy. It's a simple question, and I'll ask you one more time. Does compactification on a Calabi–Yau 3-fold leave one quarter of the original supersymmetry unbroken if the holonomy is the full SU(3)?"

smuck said...

"Look, I'm a cop. You think I understand this here crazy long-division stuff?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"So, your 'Anorexic with a Yeast Infection' ... Stay to the right for the 'Quarter Pounder with Cheese'!"

Anonymouse said...

"The man who wrote this is named JohnnyB. He's armed with chalk and -- I cannot stress this enough -- he shows all work! Be careful out there."

boneguy said...

You mean this isn't hieroglyphics? Call HQ and tell them to stop looking for The Mummy.

Anonymous said...

"Slow down! You're going to fast for me."

LR said...

"...so based on what happened down at the factory, she'd be about 30-40 feet tall. And you're driving a Chevrolet, so she's gonna want a piece of it."

Kathy H said...

"That's right. In these parts, M.P. stands for Math Police. And our motto is...well, I don't remember right now. But I'm pretty sure it's math-related."

Kathy H said...

"Take a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night, and then, boy, you're on your own."

cta said...

"If you want to pay in cash – right now – I can make this all go away."

cta said...

"Can you explain it again? I was following you, until you got here. Then you went too fast for me."

cta said...

"You deny that you were speeding and claim this is your proof?!"

cta said...

"Welcome to the USA. Please show all your work in the border."

cta said...

"You couldn't figure out what it meant? Well, right there, buddy, that's the root of the problem."

Anonymouse said...

"Around here, we teach to the test. You got a problem with that?"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Stochastic is as stochastic does."

Anonymous said...

"It's not a fucking teeter totter!"

Tim H said...

"The support group for Venn diagram enthusiasts is meeting over there."

chucklesinri said...

"Didn't they teach you this in Driver's Ed?!"

Dr Sumguy him said...

"boneguy? ... Straight one mile ... His address? ... 1246 Pig Turd Alley ... He's expecting you ... Al!"

Kathy H said...

"All of our best people are working on this problem. And we're thisclose to figuring out who won Anti-Caption Contest Nos. 357, 358 and 359."

boneguy said...

JohhnyB? He solved the thing in 30 seconds and kissed this fakakta contest goodbye!

Satireguy said...

"And that's why I'm giving you a ticket, moron!"

Anonymous said...

"What's the problem officer?"

Jim Cavanaugh

james said...

"I got enough problems without worrying about you. I've spent 30 years looking for Jimmy Hoffa and now Johnny B. disappears."

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

See? No ratio profiling.

Anonymous said...

"...just cosine the ticket."

boneguy said...

When the ratio of cops to glazed donuts falls below 0.7, we ditch our uniforms and run for the hills.

pg13 said...

Well, sometimes it does take a rocket scientist, smartass!"

28 days later said...

If you think this is bad, just wait for the Aftermath!

Craig N said...

spare me the graphic details
oh wait theres math?

Polly Gone said...

But officer i wasnt doing doughnuts
I was making Smiddy Circles!

Anonymous said...

"This is how public employee unions are planning to ruin the country."

Steve_O said...

"Part of our 'No Motorist Left Behind' program."

Anonymous said...

"...or, since you're white, you can answer our optional question: 'What is 2 + 2?' "

Tim H said...

"Take your Boolean logic and get the hell out of here!"

Don Don said...

"Be careful in area 51 we figure the speed limit as a percentage of the constant of light."

Verena said...

This is cool!

Blog Archive

al in la

My photo
Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.