Sunday, May 12, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #381









WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"I'm Sir Edmund Hillary's nanny ... And you?--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled statement about the toils of child care that's imaginative but only slightly amusing. Sir Edmund Hillary, – or “Eddie Hill” as his boyhood friends no doubt called him – is said to be the first human to reach the summit of Mt. Everest. This suggests he brought his kids in a manner befitting his wealth and privilege. Kind of ironic that a guy with “hill” in his name was a mountain climber. Like a guy named “Bell” inventing the phone, or a guy named “Al” living in Albania, Alabama, Albuquerque or, if you're dyslexic, L.A.)
SECOND PLACE
"Careful, I got this lot by playing with balls."--Hypocritical Idiot (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sure we get it. Here's a helpful foreplay tip: A gentle little stroke or two with perfectly manicured cheery red fingernails? Sure. [French tips are also acceptable.] But don't actually play with them. Guys don't like that.)

THIRD PLACE
"Sure, I can spare an extra diaper."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The guy rolling the rock up the hill does appear to be wearing Pampers. Go figure. This doesn't need the word “extra.” If they're used, trust me you don't want them.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Is this the way to the snowman building contest?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Whimsical but illogical. If it was cold enough to maintain the structural integrity of a snowball, the guy is in his underwear would be freezing his balls off. Did you need me to tell you that?)


"Sisyphus, you crazy bastard. How are you?"--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: First cap entered. Obvious but appropriate. Keeping a classic alive is like rolling a boulder uphill barefoot in your underwear. On this, I think we can all agree.)

"Sure they weigh less but you didn't have to give birth to that rock."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If history has taught us anything, it's that the miracle of birth is both is wondrous and, we're told, extraordinarily painful.)

"You mean I've got to do this over and over again for the rest of my life?"--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Not unlike watching the Rangers flounder in the playoffs year after year. [And if you think I'm referring to the Texas team, you know nothing about me.] NOTE: They actually won game four in O.T., and are still alive as I write this...but still.)
Puerto Rican Firefighter's twins ... Jose, and Hose B.--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: How about Jose si or, if he's bilingual, Jose oui?)
"Each of my babies weighs a stone, so go fuck yourself, SissyPuss."--British Mom (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A play on “Sisyphus,” with a reference to weight measurements common in old Britannia, and a metaphor for over-burdened moms who see child rearing as a an uphill battle. In other words: I get it. Not funny, but I wanted everyone to know I get it.)
Interesting workout, Senator Vitter."--Richard H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Louisiana Senator David Vitter was outed as a client of "DC Madam," Deborah Palfrey. He had a adult baby-fetish and liked wearing diapers. Palfrey committed suicide. Vitter, a staunch family values Republican, remains a sitting senator. What's really interesting is the selective values of scumbags like him.)

"So we get to the top and let them roll back down the hill and that's considered consciousness? Sounds like Susan Smith to me."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: She's even worst than Vitter ...or Chaney, even. There is a special place in hell for that horrible women. All I'm gonna say.)

"Ever play Rock, Scissors, Babies?"--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Baby beats everything. Have one, care for one or cuddle one...you'll see.)
They don't call it Park Slope for nothing.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Actually, they call it Park Slope because it's an inclined area that abuts Prospect Park. Did I mention I'm originally from Brooklyn?)
This Post It is interesting. You will not prompt to me, where I can find more information on this question?--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just a sample of the spam this blog attracts from time to time. It makes the cut because it would be unethical to disqualify it on the basis of merit. [There I said it!] )
So, who was your favorite pitcher, Steve Stone or John Rocker?"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: My answer is Tom Seaver. And in case your are wondering, I have a favorite beer stein but not a favorite vase.)
"What part of 'over the shoulder boulder holder' don't you understand?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very junior high school, but to answer your question: The part that most guys don't understand the part you unhook when you are trying to cop a feel.)
The twins' names? JohnnyA and JohnnyB.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A tribute to the enduring legacy to our highly respected, albeit completely untalented, Anti-capper. He has stayed away before . Trust me, he'll be back. [Right Johnny, old buddy?] )
"And NOW you find out you're gonna have to get used to it". 
[Oh my Gosh, a Dylan reference! Dylan, Dylan, spla-oooge, spla-oooge! I can't be out-Dylaned, now let me go change my undies.] --L a r s (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Dylan does not arouse me. He inspires me. And, good news for you Lars, assholes don't infuriate me. They entertain me. And that, my dead friends, is why I'm back here week after week. Happy Bob Dylan's Birthday everyone!)

71 comments:

NAMBY said...

"Sisyphus, you crazy bastard. How are you?"

boneguy said...

I just started as the nanny. The mother's name is Rosemary and the baby looks just like his father.

boneguy said...

Is this the way to the snowman building contest?

Dr Sumguy said...

Bare Repetition vs Rare Fetal Fission.

British Mom said...

"Each of my babies weighs a stone, so go fuck yourself, SissyPuss."

Kathy H said...

The day rock 'n' roll was born.

Anonymous said...

"It's a little too late, Brad, to try and impress me."

pg13 said...

"Sure, I can spare an extra diaper."

pg13 said...

"How long have you been working for the government?"

pg13 said...

"I see your other balls aren't round either. What do you expect when they try to make cartoons using a wood cut?"

Anonymous said...

"What's next, the Sartre toss?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"You are such a sissy pussy. Sissy puss, sissy puss, sissy puss!"

pg13 said...

"Hey, I saw your infomercial, 'Killer abs in only 10,000 years!'"

boneguy said...

My time machine needs adjusting. I set it for the Rococo Age.

Bullfinch Disney said...

Worst E-Ticket Ride Ever!

Anonymous said...

"How can you go that long without one hand on your dick?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm Sir Edmund Hillary's nanny ... And you?

Anonymous Coward said...

"Yours may be heavier, but you won't have to it through college."

Anonymous Coward said...

"Yours may be heavier, but you won't have to put it through college."

I say PUT. Fail.

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"Careful, I got this lot by playing with balls."

pg13 said...

"Can't get no satisfaction?"

Anonymous said...

"No shirts, no shoes, no cervix."

Tim H said...

"TripAdvisor® says that the view at the top is spectacular!"

Anonymouse said...

"Race ya!"

Dr Sumguy said...

Ton of soil ... Son of toil!

Anonymous said...

"So we get to the top and let them roll back down the hill and that's considered consciousness? Sounds like Susan Smith to me."

Kathy H said...

"Ever play Rock, Scissors, Babies?"

Tim H said...

"Your first time in San Francisco?"

Anonymous said...

Read This Completely I share your opinion. I like this idea, I completely with you agree.

Anonymous said...

This Post It is interesting. You will not prompt to me, where I can find more information on this question?

Dex said...

"The twins are up here"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Know any good Boston Marathon jokes?"

L a r s said...

"And NOW you find out you're gonna have to get used to it".
[Oh my Gosh, a Dylan reference! Dylan, Dylan, spla-oooge, spla-oooge! I can't be out-Dylaned, now let me go change my undies.]

Richard H said...

"Interesting workout, Senator Vitter."

Satireguy said...

"You mean I've got to do this over and over again for the rest of my life?"

boneguy said...

Hey buddy, you'd better get that wicked big hydrocele looked at.

Sexist jerk said...

"Can you push this for me too? I'm just a girl."

Dr Sumguy said...

"RACE? ... To the diaper changer table!!"

Austin said...

Ug wife die childbirth. You?

boneguy said...

They don't call it Park Slope for nothing.

NJ-to-TX said...

"God said, 'Bring them to the top of Mount Olympus, Sophie, and I will offer you a choice.' How about you?"

boneguy said...

The twins' names? JohnnyA and JohnnyB.

Kathy H said...

"I can't wait for Citi Bike."

pg13 said...

"I took a paternity test, and sure enough, you're the father."

Dr Sumguy said...

Puerto Rican Firefighter's twins ... Jose, and Hose B.

typical wife said...

"Hooooneyyyyy, you said you'd get a better job after we got marrieeeed"

boneguy said...

You have so much in common with my kids. They will be crushed by student loan debt.

Angry Sisyphean Baby Launchpad said...

"OK, OK. Who am I? 'No, I don't want to use a rubber. I've got the motility of Abe Vigoda'."

Dex said...

"Balancing career and family? It's a myth!"

reid savid said...

"Well I think they'll roll back down at about the same speed."

Anonymous said...

"I know Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger's a friend of mine....."

Tim H said...

"You're kidding! You're from Boulder, Colorado?!"

Anonymous said...

"When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
till I get to the bottom and I see you again."

Anonymous said...

"What part of 'over the shoulder boulder holder' don't you understand?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"How's the Craigslist boulder doing?"

smuck said...

"Boulder?!? I hardly know 'er! And unfortunately she died."

Steve_O said...

"I'm thinking that this may not have been the best exercise one week after my hernia operation."

Anonymouse said...

"So, who was your favorite pitcher, Steve Stone or John Rocker?"

boneguy said...

Some kid named James insisted on having this giant peach delivered.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Boulder Damn ... Damn ... Damn!"

REX said...

"You've got some ball!"

Anonymous said...

"You have no clue what hard labor is."

boneguy said...

Camus said they're be days like this.

Dr Sumguy said...

"PAIN SCORE ... Raising Boulder 7/10 ... Raising Twin's 10/10!"

boneguy said...

Camus said there would be days like this.

Satireguy said...

"I'll race you to the top....again."

Satireguy said...

"Sure they weigh less but you didn't have to give birth to that rock."

Anonymous said...

"They say things get easier once it starts walking."

Don Don said...

"You had to sacrifice, I have to sacrifice."

Anonymous said...

"Hebrew's had to sacrifice, as a misogynist I have to sacrifice." - “Can women be Misogynist”


“By throwing my babies of this structure (symbolically, but through neglect) so I can be fulfilled as the perfect modern woman….Hell yea!”

Dr Sumguy said...

"What's the difference between American women and Arab women? ... American women get stoned before they commit adultrey!"

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.