Sunday, May 19, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #382






WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
Are you sure this resurrection has lasted more than four hours?--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Evokes that scary yet provocative warning heard on boner pill comercials. You know, the one that says you should see a doctor if your hard-on goes into extra innings. Also touches on the foundation of Christianity. So, Anti-Cap wise, how can you go wrong? Combining religious imagagery with sexual stuff always results in hilarity.)
SECOND PLACE
I am going to write you up as the first reported case of being light in the loafers minus the loafers.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Speaking of loafers, this is just lazy – and really stupid. “Light in the loafers” is an antiquated and highly derogatory way to describe a gay man. And the name “boneguy” could be kind of gay thing so...not that there's anything wrong wity that.)
THIRD PLACE
"You have hermes."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: One of the worst puns ever unleashed here. The link takes us to a drawing that's kind of creepy but somehow makes sense.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"It's time for your annual metaphysical."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Kind of works. We'll take insightful over funny, if we can't have funny.)
"You have bird flu."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Think about it: “flu” is a homophone for “flew,” which is what birds do. And “do” rhymes with and “flu”...so the word play here is obscene ...and pointless.)
"Take 2 Beano and call me in the morning!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Refers to an anti-flatulence pill, so this suggests that the guy has farted so hard it has sent him aloft. [Wait for laughter] Further proof that the Anti-Caption contest is to the Caption Contest what junior high school is to grad school.)
"Take two anvils and call me in the morning."

--Jim Cavanaugh(JUDGE'S COMMENT: Jim is making the point that weights would hold the man down, and anvil sounds like Advil is the name of an analgesic. Nice one, buddy! It seems that Anti-Cap anti-hero JohnnyB has gone on hiatus so I am eyeing Jim as my new favorite person to make fun of. It's a heavy burden, Jim. I hope you're up for it.)
I concur with Dr Sumguy. Plus, a little less fiber."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I had long assumed that Dr. Sumguy was not a real doctor—now I'm not so sure.)
"You're in luck. With Obamacare, invisible step stools are covered."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: No, but ironically stool samples are indeed covered. This reflects the ignorant misinformation advanced about the most progressive health care initiative seen in the U.S. since Medicare. In other news, Michele Bachmann has preformed a mercy killing on her disgraceful rein in congress.)
"Captain Sullenberger, you've been cleared for landing."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is a real reach, but as part of my effort to bat back every obscure reference, I'll bite. No one cleared him to land. He just touched down in the Hudson River. Killed some birds but saved a lot of lives. An amazing man.)
"My prescription is: do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From a song by KC & The Sunshine Band that has obvious sexual connotations. Not unlike Dylan's Lay Lady Lay.)
"People don't live or die, people just float"--Obligatory Dylan (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Of course I got it. It's from “Man in the Long Coat,” which appears on the highly under-rated album “Oh Mercy,” released in 1989. In an apparent reference to the Anti-Cap contest, the song also says: “Feel the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force, Somebody is out there beating a dead horse.”)
"I have your test results. I'm sorry, Major Tom, planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first-ever David Bowie-inspired caption. Very nice. The song includes one of the most sarcastic lyrics ever penned: “The papers what to know whose shirt you wear.” )
"As you can see, the cartoonist put one of those stupid things on my head that indicates I'm a doctor, but he couldn't be bothered to give you nipples or a navel...go figure."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Bitter irony is the mother's milk of humor, I always say.)
"Sorry I took so long. Had to treat a bunch of burn victims in the sewer system."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Always awkward when one cap contest bumps into another, but your point is well taken.)
alinla and Johnny B. A pair of suspenders.

Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I miss Johnny. If you see him say hello, he might be in Tangier...and tell him to come back soon.)
Dylan's birthday is over. You can come down now, al.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If you're suggesting I got high on Dylan's birthday, you know me too well.)









71 comments:

Dr Sumguy said...

"Take 2 Beano and call me in the morning!"

Angus Podgorny said...

Good news. The results are negative.

Anonymous said...

"Highly unusual. You're eight feet tall and don't weigh a fucking thing."

boneguy said...

Face it Fred, you died six months ago.

Tim H said...

"I concur with Dr Sumguy. Plus, a little less fiber."

boneguy said...

Don't tell me you're going to be The Hindenburg again for Halloween!

Dr Sumguy said...

"I'm switching you from Zero-G, to the Atkins diet!"

Steve_O said...

"You have hermes."

Angus Podgorny said...

Are you sure this resurrection has lasted more than four hours?

Dr Sumguy said...

"The cause? ... I think it's your 2 right feet!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Drop your trunks, and we'll check you for 'Aerobacter Cloacae'!"

smuck said...

"You've lost weight."

cta said...

Things are looking up, but you should be aware of the gravity of the situation.

Satireguy said...

"It's time for your annual metaphysical."

Satireguy said...

"So I see the high-fiber diet has been working for you."

cta said...

"I'm concerned. Your cholesterol is a little elevated"

cta said...

"..the really bad news? The Orlando Magic are interested in recruiting you."

boneguy said...

I am going to write you up as the first reported case of being light in the loafers minus the loafers.

Jess said...

"As you can see, the cartoonist put one of those stupid things on my head that indicates I'm a doctor, but he couldn't be bothered to give you nipples or a navel...go figure."

LR said...

"My prescription is: do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight."

Anonymous said...

"Take two anvils and call me in the morning."

Jim Cavanaugh

pg13 said...

"Check with your insurance. That'll bring you back down."

Kathy H said...

"You're in luck. With Obamacare, invisible step stools are covered."

Anonymouse said...

"I can still see that you're bald."

Anonymous said...

"Light weight asshole."

smuck said...

"You have bird flu."

Kathy H said...

"Captain Sullenberger, you've been cleared for landing."

Kathy H said...

"Mr. Blaine, you've certainly let yourself go."

Satireguy said...

"I told you to take off your shirt and pants but not your gravity boots."

Tim H said...

"Sorry, but the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is six months away."

reid savid said...

"What the fuck?"

pg13 said...

"Hmmm, extended levitation. The bed shakes. Your head swivels. You scream 'lick me' in demonic voices. You vomit pea soup. This is clearly Viagra overdose."

REX said...

"I said, 'Turn your head and cough,' not 'Turn your head and loft.'"

Tim H said...

"When I said, 'When I say, "Jump!," you say, "How high?,"' I was, y'know, kidding."

Obligatory Dylan said...

"People don't live or die, people just float"

JB said...

I'm going to have to ask you to return the rectal probe

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"How's that balloon catheter treating you?"

Jess said...

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to fly."

Kathy H said...

Take two...

"Mr. Blaine, you've certainly let yourself go."

Satireguy said...

"I believe I said step on the scale, not hop on the scale."

Satireguy said...

"When I say 'hop on the scale' Mr. Smith, I don't mean it literally."

Pretentious Feaux-literate Prick said...

"Par for the course, Mr. Kundera"

boneguy said...

Given the fact you are still alive, Mr. Roth, you might as well jump.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Wer'e renovating. I'm scaling down!"

Richard H said...

"What are you holding behind your back?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"All of your Disney rides have been canceled!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I'm sorry Mr. Fudgpacker, but we are required by law to alert the DEA."

Anonymous said...

"One more example of the shit they don't teach you in medical school."

boneguy said...

I'm just saying you're not making the conversation about the gravity of your condition any easier.

reid savid said...

"Levitation or no levitation, you still have HIV."

Anonymous said...

"Good. Now can you stick your elbow in your ear and take your head out of your ass for me?"

Jeff G said...

Please stop jumping on my scale.

Tim H said...

"Doing that twice a day will keep you forever young."

boneguy said...

Dylan's birthday is over. You can come down now, al.

Animation said...

"Nice suspension."

Anonymous said...

alinla and Johnny B. A pair of suspenders.

Jim Cavanaugh

Anonymous said...

"Get down from there before you fall and break your neck."

Kevin Hebbeler said...

drop trow. we need an anchor.

reid savid said...

"The gastroenterologist said you definitely shouldn't be able to propel yourself into the air with flatulence."

CPOD said...

"How long were you posted on that fucking space station?"

Anonymous said...

"Don't move. This could be worth big bucks."

Don Don said...

"We all live on the same planet but you are in a different universe."

Anonymous said...

"And that's bad?"

Anonymous said...

"On a two dimensional space it is all perspective."

NJ-to-TX said...

"The clinic has gone upscale."

NJ-to-TX said...

"I have your test results. I'm sorry, Major Tom, planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do."

Anonymous said...

"Sorry I took so long. Had to treat a bunch of burn victims in the sewer system."

Anonymous said...

"Excellent. Now, can you sting like a bee for me?"

boneguy said...

I love to laugh too, Mr Wynn. Now get down.

Anonymous said...

"Nice try, but I said CAVITY search."

Waitless

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don't weight up."

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