Monday, May 6, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #380





















  





WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"None with dicks in the last batch, either. Fuck!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Crude yet insightful. Calls attention to the lameness of this cartoon and the dubious nature of the whole Noah's Ark concept. Finding a male and female for every species on earth would be a major challenge. Safe to say giraffe genitalia would be more easily recognizable than, say, that of a flea. But the point of this cap is well taken. )
SECOND PLACE
"We're gonna make an unscheduled stop in Great Neck."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Simplistic but clever in a regional sort of way. Great Neck is neighborhood on the north shore of Long Island. It is near the L.I. Sound so an ark carrying giraffes could conceivably stop there.)
THIRD PLACE
The Bush Library called. They want to change their order to 27 ostriches .--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A pointed political statement that plays into the wide-spread disgust many of us have for Bush. I'm fine with ostriches, but weasels, pigs, snakes or rats would have also been acceptable.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There is no way to verify the accuracy of this, but it advances a running joke. So be it. )


"All I asked for was one fucking cat. You're a dick!"--Emzara (JUDGE'S COMMENT: In fairness, a cat would be easier to clean up after. )
"They think it's a pleasure trip but I'm really taking them to a plantation owner in Virginia."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled reference to slave ships. Still, I doubt the human cargo shackled below ever thought anything good was coming from their trip.)
"What can I say? I'm a Toys 'R' Us kind of kiid."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The toy-store chain does in fact have a giraffe in their logo. Also the red-faced author of this cap went back and added “...kid” in the next cap to correct the type-o. Very conscientious.)
"Let's get a drink. The highballs are on me!"--cta (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This works a little bit because giraffe balls are, by definition, up high. Would have been better if it somehow worked in the word “cocktail.” )
"We're gonna need a bigger...uhhhh....a bigger........shit, I can't think of the word."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: “Vocabulary” is the word you are looking for.)
"All I'm saying is, with The Hangover Part III, giraffes have finally crashed through the brown-spotted ceiling."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The take-away: If you are towing a giraffe in a trailer behind your car, when you approach an overpass, roll down the window and yell “duck!” It will be very messy if you don't.)
"...and sometimes the fucking weatherman is right."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This, I like to assume, is a reference to Dylan's line that says “You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.” We're not getting a lot of Dylan references anymore [hint, hint] so this will have to do.)
"The moment I stepped on board, I said to myself, 'This would make a great New Yorker cartoon.'"--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The only thing great about this lame-ass cartoon is the lengths to which it goes to justify itself. )
"If Derrick's gonna sit on his ass all playoffs, then I need rebounding help."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An apparent reference to Derrick Rose, an oft-injured guard for the Chicago Bulls. Our first ever NBA-related cap. Esoteric but pointless—just like him. )
Bored with simply colorizing, Ted Turner also made the bible more giraphic.--Hanoi Jane (bitch) (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very dated, profoundly stupid and, signature-wise, mean-spirited. Still, it is the only cap that references the New Yorker's occasional use of color, so there's that at least.)
"Alright, here's Comment #100. Now, where's my goddamned prize??!"--I Ain't Got All Day (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It is nice to see that the number of comments has swelled to three figures once again. The real contest reportedly gets upwards of 4,000 entries a week. I would hate that. [Who has the time to sift through that kind of muck?] So think of the Anti-Cap Contest as a boutique and the real contest as huge cold conglomerate. This linked to a ridiculous cartoon of a giraffe, by the way. )
Wow, the whole premise of the Anti-Caption contest has been forgotten. Sad.
(Except this one: "It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history.")--Joshua (JUDGE'S COMMENT: As is the case week-after-week, every Anti-Capper offered an entry in the spirit of amusing everyone else, except this douche bag: Joshua. So what's your point, babe?)

115 comments:

Jess said...

"He said "Get me two of every species." So I said, "How about 25 of one species?" And he said, "Sure! That'll work."

Anonymouse said...

"What can I say? I'm a Toys 'R' Us kind of kiid."

Anonymouse said...

...kid

Tim H said...

"I said, ' carafes!'"

Kathy H said...

"I understand giraffe tastes just like chicken. "

NJ-to-TX said...

"None with dicks in the last batch, either. Fuck!"

Anonymous said...

"I stick my neck out for no one."

Dr Sumguy said...

"And none of them can 'Row' ... Although I expect there'll be good 'Waders'!"

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Carnival Cruises."

boneguy said...

Welcome to the world's first and last gay cruise.

LR said...

"And where we first make landfall and set foot on the dry earth, that place shall be called 'Long Shlong Island'."

LR said...

"It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history."

Anonymous said...

"We're gonna need a bigger...uhhhh....a bigger........shit, I can't think of the word."

boneguy said...

If I can get $2.50/lb., I can pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a street mime.

boneguy said...

I think I dream in black and white....no wait, make that color.

Kathy H said...

"All I'm saying is, with The Hangover Part III, giraffes have finally crashed through the brown-spotted ceiling."

Anonymous said...

"What's that? I'm going overboard? That better be a rhetorical statement."

Dr Sumguyk said...

"Dear, I have a confession to make ... I've had a vasectomy!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Yesterday's tour had twenty Duck Biilled Platypi fucking and flapping like there was no tomorrow!"

Tim H said...

"Thank God that the ferry stand-by line allows up to 25 giraffes. Next stop: Martha's Vineyard!"

pg13 said...

"So I say to the bartender, 'Do you have any longnecks?'"

pg13 said...

"God told me he got pissed off at mankind and wiped everything out. Things should be improving now."

boneguy said...

We're moving the Sophie factory to China.

Anonymouse said...

"We're gonna make an unscheduled stop in Great Neck."

Kathy H said...

"Yeah, they want you to think they can't speak. But, those bastards are cursing like sailors right now!"

Anonymous said...

"...and sometimes the fucking weatherman is right."

Satireguy said...

"I'd say in about a week, we'll be drowning in giraffe shit."

Satireguy said...

"You should see what that asshole Noah has on his ark."

Tim H said...

“I know my papers and yours are in order, but
I’m not so sure about the iraffes-gays."

Reality bites and sucks said...

"The Ark if Noah had married Jeanine Giraffalo."

Dr Sumguy said...

"On my mark, we'll disembark the ark!"

Anonymouse said...

"The moment I stepped on board, I said to myself, 'This would make a great New Yorker cartoon.'"

Hanoi Jane (bitch) said...

Bored with simply colorizing, Ted Turner also made the bible more giraphic.

Emzara said...

"All I asked for was one fucking cat. You're a dick!"

Dex said...

"I said, 'Jew-raft'!"

[nod to Tim H.]

Kathy H said...

"The irony is that I hate giraffes."

Satireguy said...

"They think it's a pleasure trip but I'm really taking them to a plantation owner in Virginia."

boneguy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Sumguy said...

"The giraffe lookout's have been great. ... We haven't hit anything since our near miss with the 'Andrea Doria"!"

boneguy said...

Thank God we brought along a wildebeest . It plugged the hole in the hull perfectly.

Dr Sumguyl said...

"Right about now ... I feel like Leonardo Dicaprio on the bow of the RMS Titanic!" ... Being pursued by the U.S. Border Patrol ... For the illegal importation of 32 Mexicalli Giraffiti ... One of who is known as 'Carlos the Gackle'!"

NJ-to-TX said...

"God just said he's not going to let giraffes fuck human women any more to make more giraffes. Giraffe on giraffe action only. Sorrrry."

cta said...

"Let's get a drink. The highballs are on me!"

cta said...

"We need to find land soon or the steaks are going to be high."

Steve_O said...

"I suck at math."

Steve_O said...

"They were on special."

Tim H said...

"Somebody better invent a zoo, fast!"

Kathy H said...

"I just feel bad for the ones in steerage."

Anonymous said...

Tim H married up.

Dex said...

"I smell Ararat"

Shelly said...

"We've nothin' to fear now but an angry seafarin' bunny with a pirate on its ass."

REX said...

"Because they make good look outs. That's why."

NJ-to-TX said...

"Don't worry, the bridge is really low."

boneguy said...

Can you believe it? All that motherfucker Bush could be bothered to do was fly over us on Air Force One.

Satireguy said...

"I started with two but it turns out giraffes fuck like rabbits."

Anonymouse said...

"This is the easy part. Getting through the subway turnstiles, not so much."

Tim H said...

"Hey. Wanna neck?"

Steve_O said...

"Maybe God's a giraffe."

Steve_O said...

"I was kinda wasted, but I think this is what He told me to do."

Anonymous said...

"You can't seem him, but there's also a gerbil."

Kathy H said...

"Either you stink, I stink, or the giraffes stink. My money's on the giraffes."

Anonymous said...

"You can't see him, but I also have a gerbil."

smuck said...

"I just realized our kids are going to be knee-deep in incest. Just like all these damn giraffes."

Noah-Gump said...

Anyway, like I was sayin', giraffe is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, giraffe-kabobs, giraffe creole, giraffe gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple giraffe, lemon giraffe, coconut giraffe, pepper giraffe, giraffe soup, giraffe stew, giraffe salad, giraffe and potatoes, giraffe burger, giraffe sandwich. That- that's about it.

Anonymous said...

"If Derrick's gonna sit on his ass all playoffs, then I need rebounding help."

Anticapitation said...

"Don't worry. These assholes are one low overpass away from extinction."

Anonymous said...

And then the bartender says "Why the long neck?"

Anonymous said...

So, do you have any life issues that you need help coping with?

Anonymous said...

How's the weather up there? Is it still a flood?

James Buckley said...

Compensating? What do you mean compensating?

Anonymous said...

I could say anything at all and I'd beat JohnnyB, even this.

James Buckley said...

So, have you put any more thought into that 27-way?

Anonymous said...

Day three since going undercover on the giraffes' secret boat. No one suspects a thing.

Anonymous said...

I'm so ossicone.

Anonymous said...

We had to cut dragons and unicorns to make room, but these things are going to catch on, I promise.

Anonymous said...

I think we've got that cruise limbo competition in the bag.

Anonymouse said...

"These bastards are bankrupting me with their damn Sucrets!"

Don Don said...

"Honestly I did not think this thing would float and I did not think the flood would be too deep: So it is a win win situation."

boneguy said...

The Bush Library called. They want to change their order to 27 ostriches .

Tim H said...

"Anna Wintour says that big brown spots are the new "black.'"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Considering the cargo, I'd like to rename the Ark ... The 'USS FLATTUS MAXIMUS!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Next ... Cancel the Komodo Dragons, and pick up the Montana Sheep (Where men are men, and sheep are nervous)!"

Shelly said...

"We can drop one overboard every day to check the water level- for almost a month, anyway."

NJ-to-TX said...

"We seem to have gotten into an ark tangent."

Kathy H said...

"I lent one of them a twenty and damned if I can't remember which one. Y'know. Because they all look alike. Giraffes."

Anonymouse said...

"I keep telling 'em to spread out. I guess they don't understand Aramaic."

Tim H said...

"I don't think that bill of lading said anything about giraffes."

boneguy said...

Have you seen my new reality TV show, Biblical Hoarders?

Kathy H said...

"Call me meshuga, but I'm gonna open a restuarant called Quilted Giraffe."

Kathy H said...

...restaurant

Anonymous said...

"I wanted a couple of Johnny Bees, but there doesn't even seem to be one any more."

Jim Cavanaugh

reid savid said...

"Don't be naive, Beckie."

reid savid said...

"Godammit."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Quick ... Tell Stevie Wonder the navigator ... Take a hard right to starboard ... There's a Giant Schwanzstucker off our port bow!!!"

Kevin Hebbeler said...

If we stack them all on top of each other when we get to Mt. Sinai, maybe we can get at God's prostate.

Cameron Townshend said...

Biodiversity sucks

pg13 said...

"Hey baby, you can just call me Chuck. Wanna see how natural selection works?"

pg13 said...

"Seaman on the poop deck, here I come!"

Anonymouse said...

"The beauty part is that after 24 giraffes at full fare, you get a discount."

I Ain't Got All Day said...

"Alright, here's Comment #100. Now, where's my goddamned prize??!"

Anonymous said...

Not only is Anonymouse having spelling problems, she can't count either.

Dr Sumguy said...

"I think we're going to need a bill of lading ... Long Form!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Estelle, number 26, requests a Tampax, and some 'Even-Toed Ungulate' latex gloves!"

Anonymous said...

"It's not quite camel toe, but it'll do."

Anonymouse's Accountant said...

I have examined Anonymouse's books and have found them in order. Anonymouse counted 26 giraffes: 25 standing tall and 1 poor fella who was seasick and hanging over the rail. The ledger shows that 24 were paid for in full (as noted in the comment) and that the 2 others received a discount.

Anonymous said...

I stand corected.

Anonymous said...

corrected

boneguy said...

I'm sorry but if it's a Dirty Sanchez you're looking for, the party ark left at 3.

Anonymous said...

Minority..what are you talking about?

NJ-to-TX said...

"I didn't say anything about necks. I said I wanted to give you a pearl necklace."

Joshua said...

Wow, the whole premise of the Anti-Caption contest has been forgotten. Sad.

(Except this one: LR said..."It's official- the number of brown giraffes has just surpassed the total number of black people in New Yorker cartoon history.")

Anonymous said...

"Hey! Who's cleaning up the animal crap if you're hanging around up here?" (And Happy Mother's Day!)

Anonymous said...

"I'm tired of looking at genitalia."

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