Sunday, April 28, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #379


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
"Yeah, I swallow."--pg13 (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A thinly veiled reference to oral sex made more biting – so to speak – by the presence of what appears to be two women. The spit-versus-swallow debate has raged since the time of the cavemen. Further proof that distasteful caps rule the roost here. )
SECOND PLACE
"Oh, we'll have our critics, but, frankly, two ugly white chicks building a nest atop a black man's schwanzstucker is neither desperate nor racist"--desperate, racist girl (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very imaginative. Good use of the what I assume is the German word for cock. The tree limb does resemble the business end of a well-endowed black man. And building a nest on his bad boy is not racist, but frankly it does seem a bit desperate.)
THIRD PLACE
"It's been five years since he said he was migrating out for a pack of smokes."--Steve_O (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Five years is a bit extreme. But let's all agree he's not coming back.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"Lesbian love nest? More like lesbian dysfunctional relationship nest. Bitch."--smuck (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Clearly they have issues but you just know they are going to strip down to bra and panties and make out. Sorry, that's just the way guys think. )


"Now remember, Big Bird's safe word is "armageddon".--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Fans of Sesame Street – and their grandfathers-- know that the show begins with “The word on the street.” Now I understand why.)
"When my mother gets back, let her spit regurgitated worm into your mouth. She'll be offended if you don't."--Jess (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Better that than her tuna casserole. )
"As a last resort, maybe this will finally boost your egg production."--LR (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Doubtful, but any port in a storm.)
Funny, ever since I moved in I've lost my taste for balut.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The link takes us to gross imagery that I'm still trying to get out of my head. My advise: Don't click the link.)
"Don't look now Carrie, but there goes Rhymin' Simon."--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I kind of get it. Carrie Fisher was indeed married to Paul Simon for a like an hour-and-a-half back in the 80's. Maybe this suggests it was a fly over marriage. Whatever. The album “There Goes Rhymin' Simon” is a classic.)
"I said I liked the Nets. N-E-T-S.."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This gets props because I was born in Brooklyn. But it is beyond trivial. You can like your Nets even more when they resume playing next fall. I'm still a Knicks guy.)
"You're kicking me out of the nest?! I'm being Tebowed!"--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another NY sports reference. Tim Tebow is the best failed QB we've seen in a long time. Goodbye NFL, hello arena football.)
"No Mr. Bond, she expects us to fly."--REX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: What? Who is she talking to? A long way to go to keep a classic alive. That much I respect.)
"A lost merkin for Evrolet girl means free housing for us."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Another classic reference. Google tells us merkin is a “pubic wig” originally worn by prostitutes after they shaved downstairs. Awkward, inaccurate and confusing, but in fairness it expanded my vocabulary by one word. )

"You're on my egg."--Little Girl Older (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The enduring influence of a little girl who won this contest some time ago. She is probably a sophomore at Stanford by now. )
Oh, the cuckoo is a pretty bird that wobbles as she flies.--Holden_C (JUDGE'S COMMENT: From Bob Dylan’s “High Water (for Charley Patton),” included on his brilliant 2001 album “Love and Theft.” It barrows from he 1927 song "The Coo Coo bird.” Dylan’s rendition, “The Cuckoo,” is included on the bootleg album “Live at the Gaslight 1962”[which I have, of course]. For the last time people: Don't try to out Dylan me!)
"There were 69 comments when the captioner wrote this. He actually thought that was funny."--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Drugs, I guessing. Hallucinogenic drugs. No problem. I don't judge lifestyles, just captions.)
Not an entry. hey alinla, the attached link is to a site devoted to pictures of old Brooklyn. thought you might like it.--Brooklyn pix (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very much appreciated. A random recollection from my Brooklyn youth: At age 10 I delivered groceries for Sam, a Jewish shop keeper. [Which, by the way, paid more than this gig]. One day I noticed he had a faded blue number tattooed on his forearm. With the curiosity of a child, I asked, “Is that your phone number?” He smiled slightly and told me it was from a long time ago, back in the old country. It took me years to realize what that number actually was. Obviously, it stayed with me.)
"I can see Al ... Regurgitate ...Right Now!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: An inside look at how Anti-Captions are rendered. Thanks, man. )





78 comments:

reid savid said...

"This was a stupid idea."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pterodactyl Short Sale"!

Dr Sumguy said...

"Did you lock the car?"

boneguy said...

We're still lesbian.

REX said...

"No Mr. Bond, she expects us to fly."

Anonymouse said...

"So, how do you like Long Branch?"

boneguy said...

I just re-read the CC&Rs and it definitely says no blackbirds.

Dr Sumguy said...

"So, you had to go for the 'Manure-Pedic' mattress!"

boneguy said...

Are you hungry? I'm about to regurgitate some really choice earthworm .

Dr Sumguy said...

"I can see Al ... Regurgitate ...Right Now!"

Kathy H said...

"I don't mind the nest part so much. It's being five inches tall that's a bitch."

Cam Elback said...

Okay , Now THIS is the last straw!

Anonymous said...

Fuck birds!

Tim H said...

"Thank God our furniture fits."

LR said...

"I wanted a lofty retreat like Adolf & Eva's place in Berchtesgaden."

smuck said...

"Lesbian love nest? More like lesbian dysfunctional relationship nest. Bitch."

Steve_O said...

"My son started seeing a shrink a couple of weeks ago."

smuck said...

"All you do is tweet all day."

Hypocritical Idiot said...

"At least there's no more giant fucking rats on our furniture!"

pg13 said...

"Yeah, I swallow."

Anonymouse said...

"The boughs here are obscene."

pg13 said...

"The best part is being able to shit on his windshield."

Kathy H said...

"What do you mean you just joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints?"

pg13 said...

As usual: 100% white meat.

pg13 said...

"I tawt I taw your putty tat!"

pg13 said...

"This time I'll be the Hairy Woodpecker and you'll be the White-breasted Nuthatch."

Little Girl Older said...

"You're on my egg."

Anonymous said...

"So, Mom, when does the bough actually break?"

Anonymous said...

"Now remember, Big Bird's safe word is "armageddon".

boneguy said...

Every time I try to show someone the rest of the house, they die.

Anonymous said...

"The Nest, by Jimmie Spheeris. Check it out."

Dex said...

"We just peeps"

NJ-to-TX said...

"Oh my God, that's the loudest squawk I've ever heard! By the way, what did you do with the 3 giant eggs that were here?"

boneguy said...

Funny, ever since I moved in I've lost my taste for balut.

Shelly said...

"A lost merkin for Evrolet girl means free housing for us."

Steve_O said...

"It's been five years since he said he was migrating out for a pack of smokes."

cta said...

"I think the acid is kicking in."

cta said...

"It's a good thing we didn't buy the ottoman with the set, after all"

Tim H said...

"I said I liked the Nets. N-E-T-S.."

boneguy said...

I call it Post Tsunami Contemporary.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, I know size matters to you, but it's still twice as big as your fucking vagina."

Dex said...

"You're kicking me out of the nest?! I'm being Tebowed!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Looks bad ... FEELS GOOOD ... Nikki and Nora in their new giant pussy pad!"

Jess said...

"When my mother gets back, let her spit regurgitated worm into your mouth. She'll be offended if you don't."

smuck said...

"Well, Obama did promise cheep housing."

REX said...

"Well, it's in our price range and you can't beat the view of the park..."

Brooklyn pix said...

Not an entry. hey alinla, the attached link is to a site devoted to pictures of old Brooklyn. thought you might like it.

Satireguy said...

"They say you have to lay a few eggs to make an omelette."

Anonymous said...

"I can't believe you've got shingles."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's genetic ... My aunt Mary was a 'Red-Breasted Mattress-Thrasher!"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"Would you prefer your eggs cooked or fertilized?"

Anonymous said...

"Did you say incubate or masturbate?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"I'm really sick of your fucking whistling, Ms. Canary."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Your fledgling flight is scheduled for tomorrow ... Did you take your lithium?"

Shit My Lesbian Birds say said...

"Yea, and I totally Shatnered on the groom's tux. Fuckin' epic!"

d said...

"You raise a child in this type of environment and what did you expect?"

Don Don said...

"The cup of bees is a nice visual too but do you know what you are going to say when she gets here?"

boneguy said...

"I was about to say, 'mind the ginormous plasma' ".

boneguy said...

"A Bird in the hand is worth two in my bush."

boneguy said...

"Don't look now Carrie, but there goes Rhymin' Simon."

Anonymous said...

"A bird in the bush is worth two in the hands."

Anonymous Coward said...

"No more couchsurfing...ever!"

desperate, racist girl said...

"Oh, we'll have our critics, but, frankly, two ugly white chicks building a nest atop a black man's schwanzstucker is neither desperate nor racist"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Now that your battered problems have been resolved ... The F.A.A. Has OKed your AM fledging flight!"

Satireguy said...

"He doesn't say much but he's a good provider."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's so 'Ethereal' ... Kinda like being on the 'Starship Enterprise' ... And finding 'The Captain's Log' under the sofa, was totally weird!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's so 'Ethereal' ... Kinda like being on the 'Starship Enterprise' ... And finding 'The Captain's Log' in the porta potty, was totally weird!"

boneguy said...

It's 20% twigs, 80% shredded pre-nup.

Anonymous said...

"Excuse me, but didn't you say raised branch?"

NJ-to-TX said...

"There were 69 comments when the captioner wrote this. He actually thought that was funny."

Anonymous said...

This bird-brain has no clue about human-keeping, does he?

NJ-to-TX said...

"Hey there, Elle Cóndor."

Holden_C said...

Oh, the cuckoo is a pretty bird that wobbles as she flies.

Anonymous said...

"Frankly, Edna, this place is for the birds."

Satireguy said...

"Robin says it's a good starter home."

LR said...

"As a last resort, maybe this will finally boost your egg production."

Richard H said...

"After the kids moved out, the treehouse was just too much for me to take care of"

Ambiguous said...

"Two Girls. One Nest."

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al in la

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Los Angeles, California, United States
BORN: Brooklyn RAISED: Staten Island WHERE AT NOW: Los Angeles, California WHY: We will one day know.