Sunday, April 21, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #378


















WINNERS

FIRST PLACE
'And so the bunny says to the bartender ... "Would you get this guy off my ass" ... HARR ... HARR ... HARR !--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And if the bunny's owner brought him to a salon so they could both get waxed for bikini season, he might say “Get the hair off my ass...and get this ass off  my hare!” Also that IS the way pirates laugh. )
SECOND PLACE
"Look, I invented toilet paper!"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: There's no arguing the logic but the visual I could live without. I guess we can safely assume the porcupine was a non-starter.)
THIRD PLACE
"Dinner's on me."--NAMBY (JUDGE'S COMMENT: And it will probably taste just like chicken. This is also something you say to break the tension when you spill food on yourself. Don't ask me how I know that.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"The sea is lonely, and...Hare, she blows."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So begins a string of puns as deep as a mud puddle. This is the best because it implies a lonely sailor has found a rabbit that knows how to play ball.)


"All the best pirates have shoulder-length hair"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Very terrible. This would have worked better if it said “hare” but it didn't. )
"Where are my 'Buccaneers'? ... Under my 'Fuccan Hat'!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Good. You found your ears. This works a little bit if you assume the captain is a simpleton. )
"Waiter, there's a hare on my shoulder."--Anonymouse (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Would have worked better if he was asking, “What's this hare doing on my shoulder?” To which the waiter could say: “The back flip” or, more Anit-Cap, “Making me crazy with desire.”)
"Shut up, Bob, my hare is NOT a clip-on. But my hair is."--Shelly (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A nod to a classic. Okay, here's mine: “Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your hare is a hop on.” Admit that that's better.)
"Somali, you crazy bastard! How are you?"--

Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Just terrible but the reference checks out)
"I traded in me parrot for a rabbit-at-at-at-at-at-at. You ought to know by now."--Billy Joel (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Our first ever B.J. caption. He's good, but no Dylan. Not even close.)
♪ ♫ ♫ I'm just wild about Harey, and he's just wild about me! ♫ ♫--Kathy H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: The musical notes give this some props but otherwise it's awful. What saddens me is that I'm reasonably sure that Kathy knew that before submitting it. )
"I'm looking for the Bush Libary. He left out an arrrgh."
--
Jim Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: If he is saying this out loud, how do you spot the spelling error? Bush had much in common with a pirate, and not just because they finished 18 games out of first in the NL Central last year. )
"Everybody keeps saying I should call him Revis, but I don't know why."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A reference to the recently traded football star who was dispatched by the Jets to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. If he demands more money and then gets hurt climbing on to the boat, we'll know it's our Darrelle.)


"A hundred years from now some Jew will be wearing a pirate shirt."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A Seinfeld reference, esoteric but bland, yada, yada.)
It may look funny but if this is what it takes to get an HOV sticker, so be it!--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Sucks on several levels. Because so many people got them, the stricker is now essentially worthless in the L.A. area. For scamming the car pool lane, an inflatible lovemate wearing sunglasses is far more practical.)
Cox Cable has pissed me off for the last time.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Too horrible to be ignored. If rabbit ears are your only alternative, Cox will continue to screw you. On this I have done the rearch. )
"It's just a little something to cheer up my passengers on the Staten Island Ferry."--Tim H (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I took the S.I. ferry to work everyday for 20 years. A pirate with a bunny on his shoulder would just annoy people, especially in the morning.)
"Not only can't the sonofabitch come up with a caption, he can't draw either."--Satireguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Claw your way through the broken english, and there us a truth to be found here.)
What do you mean he must be able to quote Dylan or he can't come aboard?--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn't drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, "Good luck")

Be this the right place for Anti-Cap'n?--Angus Podgorny (JUDGE'S COMMENT: It's definitely the place, But, as always, that doesn't make it right.)

96 comments:

boneguy said...

I'm re-christening the boat "Watership Down".

boneguy said...

While on shore, I'm a locavore.

Dr Sumguy said...

"HARRRE"!

Dr Sumguy said...

"His name is 'Arrrvey', and he's not there!"

boneguy said...

Next time set a course for Harare instead of Harehare.

Anonymous said...

"Not with the hare by my chinny chin chin."

pg13 said...

"I couldn't take that damned parrot no more. At least Fluffy's shit just rolls off me shoulder."

pg13 said...

"After twenty straight losing seasons, I didn't want people to think I was a Pirates fan."

pg13 said...

"I'm in compliance with the Endangered Species Act."

pg13 said...

"Softening my image will only enhance my talents as a negotiator."

Shelly said...

"Shut up, Bob, my hare is NOT a clip-on. But my hair is."

"Someday there will be a novel about us- something about the Bunny and its mutant ears."

NJ-to-TX said...

"But I don't want to be a pirate!"

Satireguy said...

"Not only can't the sonofabitch come up with a caption, he can't draw either."

smuck said...

"This should pair well with that pinot noir you told me about."

Aaarchie said...

"Prepare to hop the plank!"

Anonymous said...

"The sea is lonely, and...Hare, she blows."

Anonymous said...

"All the best pirates have shoulder-length hair"

Yosemite Sam said...

"I finally realized the best recipe for hassenpfeffer is love. I can't quit you, Rabbit."

NJ-to-TX said...

"No, you idiot, it's not 'another rodent.' Bunnies are lagomorphs."

pg13 said...

"After I held my sword to his throat, he finally told me where the children's Easter baskets were hidden."

Dex said...

"On top of his head? They're his buccan'ears!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Where are my 'Buccaneers'? ... Under my 'Fuccan Hat'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Me favorite movie ... 'Aarrgo'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

'And so the bunny says to the bartender ... "Would you get this guy off my ass" ... HARR ... HARR ... HARR !

boneguy said...

It may look funny but if this is what it takes to get an HOV sticker, so be it!

Satireguy said...

"Not to worry. The doctor says it's benign."

Anonymous said...

"It's more soothing to the victims of our pillaging and raping."

Steve_O said...

"I got the idea while reading an issue of Playboy."

Jess said...

"Todd, these kinky-sex fetish theme nights are getting out of hand. Can't we just once do it like a normal couple?"

Tim H said...

"It's just a little something to cheer up my passengers on the Staten Island Ferry."

Kathy H said...

"What bunny? "

boneguy said...

Let's set sail and visit my sister with the giant pet rat.

Angus Podgorny said...

Boys, forget the whale.

Angus Podgorny said...

He might come in handy if we cross paths with Jimmy Carter.

Angus Podgorny said...

Listen, you moron. If I say it's a parrot, it's a parrot. Got it?

Angus Podgorny said...

Be this the right place for Anti-Cap'n?

Anonymouse said...

"My name? Captain Ahare."

Tim H said...

"I got him at the Hare Club for Men."

Anonymous said...

"We bonded, James. 007 times and counting."

Dr Sumguy said...

"I hate Halloween!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"The only good thing ... Since I got the patch, I stopped smoking!"

Billy Joel said...

"I traded in me parrot for a rabbit-at-at-at-at-at-at. You ought to know by now."

boneguy said...

What do you mean he must be able to quote Dylan or he can't come aboard?

Anonymous said...

So I says, feel free to pet me bunny, if ya don't mind me stroking yer pussy.

Anonymouse said...

"Waiter, there's a hare on my shoulder."

Kathy H said...

♪ ♫ ♫ I'm just wild about Harey, and he's just wild about me! ♫ ♫

Tim H said...

"Everybody keeps saying I should call him Revis, but I don't know why."

pg13 said...

"You'll see things differently, wiseass, now that I tell you she got an honorable mention at the county fair."

REX said...

"Because he doesn't talk back and he likes to cuddle...If you must know."

Anonymouse said...

"Well, I drank some bad grog, went to see Hair, and ended up with this."

Tim H said...

"My shampoo? Hare 'n' Shoulders."

Call Me Asshat said...

The Bowdlerized, expurgated, Politically-Correct, Fundamentalist-Christian-mother-fuckers-endorsed, Moby Rabbit, turned out to be a rather boring read.

pg13 said...

"Several of my employee peer reviews pointed out that I could stand to increase my bestiality."

Anonymous said...

"Look, I invented toilet paper!"

Satireguy said...

"Don't wait up. Me and the missus are going ashore for the night."

Dex said...

"'Name's Bunny. The rabbit? He don't have a name."

boneguy said...

There have been some complaints so the bitch in HR suggested a different approach.

cta said...

"Yes, it's strange, but I like to go down the rabbit hole."

cta said...

"No, I didn't name him 'Chip'. What kind of asshole do you think I am?"

cta said...

"He's a member of the Hare Krishnas."

Anonymous said...

"I'm looking for the Bush Libary. He left out an arrrgh."

Jim Cavanaugh

Kathy H said...

"Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in morning, sailors take warning. Rabbit on a shoulder, it's a crapshoot."

Anonymous said...

“He got pleasure out of going ten rounds with your grandmother and making sure she went the whole distance.”

Richard

Steve_O said...

"I figured I could just be myself since they repealed DADT."

Anonymous Coward said...

"Did you ever kiss a rabbit between the ears?"

boneguy said...

Cox Cable has pissed me off for the last time.

Dr Sumguy said...

"Nibbles is gay ... She hops with a lymph!"

Kathy H said...

"It's my homage to Coney Island, f/k/a Rabbit Island."

Anonymous said...

"Bad hare day."

Anonymous said...

"Somali, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

Jim Cavanaugh

Dr Sumguy said...

"How did I get me patch? ... I said 'Aye' ... Instead of 'Aye aye'!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Pardon me ... Do ya mind if I fire me cannon thru your port hole?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"Avast ye lubbers ... What the fuck does that mean!"

LR said...

"On me search for the Grail, I got 'im from a cave, which is where I got the skull & bones fer me hat. What's the problem?"

Dr Sumguy said...

"I shivered me timbers thru me best breeches and all I got was ... herpes!"

Dr Sumguy said...

"And I said ... I'll give ye no quarters ... And that's how he got a parking ticket!"

Anonymous said...

"A hundred years from now some Jew will be wearing a pirate shirt."

Dr Sumguy said...

"It's actually 'Avast ye Rubbers' ... It's the new Trojan slogan for their giant condoms!"

Satireguy said...

"What do you mean it's a hare-brained idea?"

Satireguy said...

"I said we should go ashore and fuck LIKE rabbits."

REX said...

"Nope. Couldn't loot. Couldn't plunder. Even worse than the cat. Let's give the raccoon a shot." [After his beloved Polly flew away, Blackbeard tries out replacements.]

NJ-to-TX said...

"Chemo and radiation should reduce the tumor to the point where it doesn't look like a cute little bunny rabbit and I'll finally get some fucking respect around here."

Anonymous said...

"I'm not playing the Mets at Debits Field with this Goddamn monkey on my back."

Richard H said...

"My other clip-on's a parrot"

Greenie Stik-M-Caps said...

"I always wear my hare in a bun."

Anonymous said...

"Meet Ana Log, our new receptionist."

Tim said...

"That's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!"

NAMBY said...

"Dinner's on me."

reid savid said...

"Yargh, get er off, get er off."

Dr Sumguy said...

"Wellcome aboard the 'P.U.S.S. Hasenpfeffer'!"

Don Don said...

"Arr, Salesmen make the world go round".

Dex said...

"It's me iPatch"

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